Stella Makes Good (22 page)

‘Leave it, Dot,’ Tom said, glancing over at Steve.

Louisa closed her eyes as her mother continued talking.

‘I could see it. Whenever she dropped a pen on the floor she had to tap her right foot three times before she bent down to pick it up. And what about her checking all the locks on the house before she went out? She was stressed. I should have stepped in and done something. I should have known it would end like this.’ Dot started crying. ‘Goodness knows how she got on at the library.’

‘Come on, Mum,’ Louisa said, putting her arm around her. ‘From what Jesse told me, she loves working at the library.’

Steve snorted. ‘How would you know? I told her the job was too stressful.’

‘It wasn’t the job causing her stress,’ Louisa said pointedly. ‘She wanted to be at the library. She looked forward to it.’

‘True,’ agreed Dot.

‘Whatever,’ said Steve.

Dot turned to him. ‘What about you? Did you notice her habits getting worse?’

Steve puffed out his chest. ‘Of course. Even Ollie’s picked up a few of them.’

‘And did you do anything to help her?’ Louisa asked, unable to stop herself. She’d had enough of her brother-in-law, and was more than ready to reveal some significant truths about him.

‘Of course I tried to help her,’ said Steve, indignant.

‘Did you really?’ Dot said. ‘Because I never saw it.’

‘Dot,’ Tom cautioned.

‘You must have seen she wasn’t herself—or were you too busy to notice?’ Dot’s tone had a sharp edge to it.

‘I noticed, Dot. I told her to get help. Just the other afternoon, actually, when she had the fall.’

‘And where were you then, Steve? I was the first to reach Jesse even though I called you straight after Louisa phoned me. I was at your house for a good thirty minutes before you turned up and your office is only fifteen minutes away.’

‘Thank you, Dot, but I can’t leave work mid-meeting. Our company is involved in some highly secretive and strategic movements right now. It’s non-stop. I can’t just up and leave every time there’s a crisis at home. My staff rely on me. And, yes, I did notice something was up with her. That’s why I told her to get help. I can’t watch over her twenty-four seven.’

‘Told her, yes. But did you actually help?’

‘What are you implying? And, by the way, what did you do to help?’ Steve was glaring at Dot. ‘Jesse always seems particularly stressed after talking to you.’

‘Let’s stop right there,’ said Tom. ‘This isn’t helping anyone.’

Steve looked towards the playground. The kids, oblivious to the adults’ conversation, were playing on the seesaw.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘But her behaviour was affecting the children, Ollie in particular.’

‘So you agree it’s gotten worse in recent months?’ Dot said.

Steve nodded.

‘There you go,’ Dot said. ‘There has to be a reason. Once we find the source of her worries, we’ll have the answer to why she’s been so stressed over the past few months.’

Tom nodded.

‘I don’t understand why she didn’t talk to me about it,’ Dot went on. ‘I’m her mother.’

‘Maybe she tried,’ Louisa said.

‘I know what you’re all thinking,’ said Steve. ‘It’s my fault. I’m the bastard responsible!’

Louisa couldn’t have put it better herself.

‘I can hear you lot from inside the chapel,’ said Milly, Louisa’s elderly grandmother, as she walked towards their table.

Louisa got out of her chair to hug her. ‘Grandma!’ She kissed her on the cheek. ‘I’m so happy to see you.’

Louisa loved Milly. Her fondest memories of growing up involved her grandma: Christmas drinks at which Milly got slaughtered after two tumblers of sherry; Jesse’s seventh birthday party where she’d given a pink piglet piñata such a ferocious beating all the other parents had looked alarmed.

‘Despite the metre in height I’ve lost?’ Milly said.

Louisa smiled. ‘You’re just as I remember you.’

‘Don’t give me that nonsense, Louisa. I wasn’t born yesterday. When did you fly in?’

‘A little while ago.’

‘Seen your poor sister then?’

Louisa nodded.

‘And your niece and nephew?’

She nodded again.

Milly looked around the table at everyone. ‘Couldn’t spare a few moments to pray to our Lord? Even short prayers find their way to heaven. You’re all too busy for that I see.’

Dot rolled her eyes. Tom squirmed in his seat. Steve half-smiled.

‘But you’ve got time for coffee and cake!’ Milly was on a roll. ‘Am I the only believer here? I’m in the chapel, praying, asking for guidance, and I walk out and what do I find? You lot huddled together, caterwauling and sipping cappuccinos. The Lord should be our caffeine at this time.’

‘Okay, Mum, that’s enough,’ said Dot, helping Milly into an uncomfortable plastic cafe chair. ‘I’m surprised you’d pray in a chapel anyway, given your newfangled ways. Would you like a tea?’

Milly nodded. ‘Yes, I think I would.’

‘Well,’ said Steve, getting up, ‘I’d better take the kids to school.’

‘But what about Jesse and the doctors?’ asked Dot.

‘I’ll go up now before I leave.’

‘I’ll come with you,’ Louisa said.

Steve glared at her but said nothing.

‘Steve,’ Doctor Thompson said as soon as he saw them, ‘I’m afraid I have bad news.’

Louisa covered her mouth with her hand. Please let her be okay, she thought. Everything appeared to be moving in slow motion. She wanted the doctor to get on with it and tell them the news, but when he started speaking again his words were fuzzy. Louisa stumbled and the doctor caught her.

‘Are you okay?’ he asked.

She closed her eyes in an effort to compose herself. ‘Of course. Go on.’ But she was still having trouble focusing. Jet lag. Her mouth tasted funny and the room was spinning. Maybe if she sat down . . .

‘Pregnant?’ Steve spat out the word.

That got Louisa’s attention. Jesse, pregnant? Man, that sister of hers was good at keeping secrets—rather like Louisa herself.

‘There must be some mistake,’ Steve went on. ‘Jesse can’t possibly be pregnant.’

‘I’m sorry, but whatever the case, unfortunately your wife has miscarried.’

Steve didn’t seem to hear. ‘We had this talk only last week. She’s not pregnant. It’s impossible.’ He sounded livid.

‘Calm down,’ Louisa said, regaining some strength. ‘Maybe she didn’t get the memo.’ She turned to the doctor, feeling light-headed but focused. ‘How pregnant?’

‘Approximately six weeks,’ he said.

‘Six weeks!’ Steve fumed. ‘This just keeps getting better. I don’t—’

‘Is she okay?’ Louisa asked. ‘How will this affect her recovery?’

‘The miscarriage won’t affect Jesse’s physical recovery. But any time a woman suffers a miscarriage there’s the inevitable emotional trauma.’ He looked at Steve. ‘I’m sorry. If you’ll excuse me.’

‘She must have known she was pregnant all this time,’ Steve said after the doctor had left the room. ‘Did you know as well?’

‘Me?’ said Louisa. ‘I knew she wanted another baby, but no, I didn’t know she was pregnant. Maybe Jesse didn’t know either.’

‘Ha! She would have known! And just when the hell was she going to tell me? On the way to the delivery room? Despite everything we talked about, she went and got herself pregnant. Again.’

Louisa sat down beside Jesse. ‘Under the circumstances, it doesn’t really matter.’ Steve went to say something else, but Louisa pointedly ignored him and took Jesse’s hand. ‘Jesse, can you hear me? It’s Louisa. I’m here with you. Can you hear me, sweetheart?’

‘As if she can bloody well hear you,’ said Steve. ‘Look at her.’

‘We’re supposed to talk to her,’ Louisa started.

‘Oh yeah?’

‘Yes, actually. We need to let her know we’re here. Talk to her about what’s happening in our lives. Ask her questions, include her.’ She stroked Jesse’s hand. ‘We’re not going to leave until you get better, Jess.’

‘Great,’ said Steve. ‘When she starts talking back and tells you why she got pregnant, let me know.’

‘She’s not pregnant any more, Steve.’

‘No . . . Well, when she wakes up—’

‘What? You’re going to yell at her for not obeying your orders?’

Steve rolled his eyes. ‘Jesse knows she’s in the wrong. I just want her to admit it. Then we can put all of this nonsense behind us.’

Louisa glared at him, unable to speak.

‘It’s late,’ he said, glancing at his watch. ‘I’ve got to drop the children at school and get to work.’

‘Aren’t you forgetting something?’ she said as he moved past her towards the door.

He stopped and turned around, looking puzzled. He checked his pockets for his wallet and keys. ‘No, I don’t—’

‘Don’t you want to kiss your wife before you leave?’

Steve did a for-fuck’s-sake eye roll and walked over to the bed. He bent and kissed Jesse’s bandaged forehead. ‘See you soon, darling.’ He straightened and glared at Louisa. ‘Happy? It’s not as if she knows I’m kissing her.’

‘I can see this is really tearing you up.’

‘Don’t you dare talk to me about compassion, Louisa. You waltz in here, holier than thou, after an absence of six years, expecting everyone to fall at your feet. Don’t you dare think you’re better than me. If Jesse wasn’t in this state, you’d still be on the other side of the world basking in your debauched lifestyle.’

‘How can you say that?’

‘You’ve never had any intention of coming back.’

‘What would you know? I love Jesse.’

‘Yeah, of course you do, Louisa. She’s got all of your letters to prove it.’ And he pushed past her and out into the corridor.

arly and I were about to enter the hospital cafeteria when Liz phoned. She sounded distraught. I turned and walked outside to our familiar bench in the sunshine. Carly followed me and sat down. I paced as Liz talked.

‘Skyla told me the news. I’ve been trying to get hold of you for days. I can’t believe it. How’s Jesse? Is it bad?’

I filled her in as best I could.

‘You don’t think I caused this, do you?’ she said.

What was I supposed to say? Yes, Jesse was so upset over losing her job, she got distracted by the rain and her tears and drove into a tree. I wasn’t that heartless. Liz was suffering enough.

‘No, Liz,’ I said after a pause. ‘I think it was probably a combination of bad weather and bad luck.’

‘I’ve sent flowers.’

‘She’ll appreciate that.’

‘Stella, you’re not really quitting, are you? We need you.’

‘Thanks, but I can’t really think about the library right now. My priority is Jesse. At the moment I can’t think beyond the next hour, let alone the next day or week.’

‘Of course. Take your time. We’ve got a couple of casuals filling in.’

‘How did that go?’ Carly asked after I’d ended the call.

I shrugged. ‘Liz feels responsible.’

‘We all do.’

‘Yeah. And I know Jesse wouldn’t want me quitting. But I’m still furious with Liz. Eventually, life will have to return to some kind of normalcy. I mean, we can’t wait at the hospital all day and night for weeks on end.’

Carly nodded. ‘But I feel so guilty getting on with the everyday while Jesse’s here. It all seems so pointless.’

‘I know. Every time I think about leaving the hospital, I panic. I don’t want to leave Jesse alone. She needs us, especially when she first opens her eyes.’

The last few days had passed in a blur. All the waiting . . . and then, when we were allowed to see her, the reality that this wasn’t some minor bump to the head. The woman lying in intensive care, all battered and bandaged, hooked up to tubes and machines, didn’t look like Jesse.

‘At least Louisa’s here now,’ Carly said. ‘That’ll make Jesse happy. Coffee?’

I nodded.

Inside the cafe, we walked over to where Dot and Tom were sitting.

‘Great news that Louisa’s arrived,’ I said.

Dot nodded.

‘Any other news?’ asked Carly.

‘There’s never any news,’ said Dot sadly.

‘She’s . . .’ Tom faltered. ‘She’s had another seizure, but they’ve given her medication.’

‘The doctors say that’s not out of the ordinary,’ I said, trying to sound encouraging.

Tom nodded. ‘You’re right. For now, there’s essentially nothing we can do except wait, but it’s so frustrating.’

That’s what we were all doing. Waiting. And I’d never been good at that.

Carly and I left Tom and Dot and went to the counter.

‘You know what? I don’t think I can face another coffee,’ Carly said.

‘Me either,’ I agreed. ‘So now what?’

‘I feel like I’m in the way. I might—’

‘Look,’ I whispered. Louisa and Steve were standing just outside the cafeteria, glaring at each other.

We went to join them. ‘How is she?’ I asked.

‘In a coma,’ replied Steve.

I stood there appalled, not knowing where to look, afraid of bursting into tears at any moment.

‘Hi,’ said Carly, extending her hand to Louisa. ‘You must be Jesse’s sister. I’m Carly.’

Steve rolled his eyes and pushed past us.

Louisa shook her head, then smiled at Carly as she blinked back tears. ‘Nice to finally meet you.’

I put my arm around her. ‘Jesse’ll be okay.’

‘I know,’ Louisa sniffed. ‘She has to be. Now, if you’ll excuse me . . . ’ She went to join her parents.

‘Stella, I think I’ll get going and come back later,’ Carly said, glancing at her watch.

I spotted Mike down the corridor. ‘I won’t be far behind you,’ I said. ‘I’ll just have a quick word with Mike.’

‘Okay,’ said Carly. ‘Let me know if there’s any news.’

‘Will do,’ I said, dashing away down the hall. ‘Mike!’

He turned and waited for me to catch up.

‘How is she?’

‘I wish I had better news,’ he said, giving my arm a gentle rub.

‘Have the seizures been bad?’

‘No. Still . . .’

‘Still, what?’ I pressed.

‘Our biggest concern is that she’s still unconscious; she hasn’t opened her eyes once since the accident.’ He paused and I could almost hear him deliberating over what to say next. ‘Stella, I’m afraid it’s up to Jesse now whether or not she wakes up. The best thing you can do is talk to her—tell her what’s going on in your life, your friends’ lives. I know how hard this must be for you, but at the moment it’s a waiting game.’

‘And the odds?’

Mike grimaced. ‘I don’t give odds.’

‘Even? Sixty-forty? What?’ I hesitated for a moment. ‘What about her brain?’

He glanced down at his hands before answering. ‘We’re hoping for a one hundred per cent recovery, Stella, but there’s no way to tell what her brain is going to do. I’m sorry, but there’s no magic shot and no surgery option. Only time will tell.’

I shook my head. It was hard to take in.

‘Talk to her,’ he said again. ‘Tell her how you feel. And, Stella, whatever happens, don’t neglect your own family. It’s easy to get caught up with what’s happened to Jesse, but, as harsh as it sounds, life goes on, and your children need you as much as ever. Don’t forget that.’

I nodded.

‘Stella . . . ’ He hesitated.

‘What?’

‘Nothing. I need to check on other patients, but I promise I’ll let you know if there are any changes to Jesse’s condition.’

After Mike had disappeared into an elevator, I stood rigid for a few moments, deciding what to do. I wanted to see Jesse, but I didn’t want to intrude on Jesse’s family; I was starting to feel I’d outstayed my welcome. Maybe if I just peered in on her? I wouldn’t stay long. I just needed to check in and say hello.

Arriving at Jesse’s room, I peeked in and was relieved to see only Louisa there.

‘Sorry, I don’t want to interrupt,’ I started.

‘Not at all. Come in.’

I pulled up a chair and sat on the other side of Jesse’s bed. Together, we stared at her.

‘Any change?’ I asked.

Louisa shook her head. ‘Did you know she was pregnant?’

‘Pregnant? She’ll be so happy.’ Then I realised what Louisa had said. ‘Wait.
Was
pregnant?’

Louisa nodded. ‘She miscarried.’

‘No!’

‘Yeah. She was about six weeks along. You didn’t know?’

I shook my head. ‘Maybe Jesse didn’t know either.’

‘Maybe.’ Louisa gripped her sister’s hand tighter. ‘Are you in there, Jess? I’m sorry about the fight with Steve. Despite what that prick says, I do love you, darling.’

We sat in silence until Louisa spoke again. ‘I’ve got so much to tell her, but it feels weird talking to her when she can’t respond.’

‘I know the feeling,’ I said quietly. ‘Would you prefer me to leave?’

‘No, stay. We can both talk to her.’ Louisa took a deep breath. ‘I’m sorry I called your husband a prick, Jess. But fuck! He’s a massive prick. And to think you had sex with him not once but twice. Really. You’re a braver woman than I could ever be.’

‘She’s brave all right.’ I smiled at Jesse, then looked at Louisa. ‘Just before the accident, Jesse told me you’d known Steve a long time?’

‘Back in the dark days, yeah. You must think I’m . . .’ She trailed off.

‘I don’t think anything. Truly.’

‘I know it hurt Jesse, finding out about me and what I used to do. I should have told her sooner. Not kept it hidden.’

‘I can understand why you didn’t tell her.’

‘Yeah, part of me didn’t want to acknowledge it. If I’d told her about Steve’s involvement, it would have meant telling her what I’d been up to as well and I couldn’t bear the thought of disappointing her. So I chose to believe I was doing the right thing by not interfering in Jesse’s life.’

We sat silently for a few moments, both gazing at Jesse. Two clear plastic prongs extended from her nose and I watched as she breathed oxygen in and out through them. A bank of machines monitored her vital signs, flashing red and green on a digital display. The tube to Jesse’s mouth had been removed and her facial swelling had subsided.

Louisa started talking again. ‘So, Jess, after you get out of here, you’ve got to stick to your guns and leave him. I might even stay in Sydney for a while. You can teach me how to cook because I suck big time. I’ll let you in on a secret: I’ve always been jealous of your culinary abilities. Remember Mrs Beetle’s home science class and the end-of-year bake-off? She was so pissed off when your double chocolate mud cake beat her saggy sponge. Remember? I’m sorry I’ve missed out on so much. The kids . . . So much time has passed by.’

She stroked Jesse’s hand then looked over at me. ‘How do you really think she’s doing?’

I shook my head. ‘Who knows? It’s hard to take in, isn’t it?’

‘Impossible. Jesse’s always been so full of energy.’

‘Yeah, she’s always so on. So alive.’

‘But she was struggling before the accident, right?’

‘Yeah, even before the Steve bombshell, she wasn’t doing great, dealing with her anxiety issues. She’d been working hard to keep them in check. Steve’s controlling behaviour didn’t help. And on top of that, she’d just lost her job.’

‘No! She didn’t tell me.’

‘It happened right before the accident.’

‘Poor Jesse.’

‘The manager at the library didn’t want to put up with Jesse’s quirks any longer so she made her redundant. I was furious. Still am.’

‘How does the anxiety manifest itself?’ Louisa asked.

‘She’s got a thing about threes. She’ll stamp her foot three times if she drops a pencil or if she’s stressed. It’s a coping mechanism. Not many people notice. I only do because I see her all the time.’

Louisa looked stricken. ‘And there I was on the other side of the world, completely preoccupied with my own life. Too busy to fly back to Sydney to see her. And for what? I wish things could be . . . different.’

‘You’re here now, Louisa. That’s what’s important.’

‘But it shouldn’t have taken something like this for me to come back and see her and the twins. She’s going to be devastated about losing the baby. Do you think she knew she was pregnant?’

I shook my head. ‘I really don’t know. She talked about wanting another baby, but whether she knew or not she was expecting, I have no idea. I do know that a pregnancy would have symbolised a new beginning for her. New life, new hope.’

‘And now that’s been taken away from her.’ Louisa leaned over Jesse and whispered, ‘Jesse, are you there? Wake up, sweetie. Stella and I are here, waiting to talk to you.’

We sat in silence for a long time, watching Jesse and listening. Outside the room, staff wheeled trolleys and medical equipment up and down the corridor, and I could hear the muffled conversations of people making their way to visit friends and relatives.

‘Jesse mentioned you were seeing someone?’ I said, wanting to break the silence.

‘Philippe, yeah. He’s great but it’s nothing serious.’

‘Do you want it to be?’

‘Nah. I have a tendency to move on when things get too cosy. I mean, marriage and commitment is fine—they’re just not for me.’

Even though my marriage hadn’t worked out, I thought what Louisa was saying was sad. Okay, so I didn’t want a commitment with anyone right now, either, but I knew what it felt like to be in a long-term, loving relationship, and when it worked it was heaven.

Of course, thinking about long-term relationships led me on to Mike . . . and how the idea of taking our friendship any further frightened me. The proper thing to do was have some time on my own and grieve over the end of my marriage. But what if the feelings I was developing for Mike were real? An intense connection like that didn’t come along often. I’d been with Terry seventeen years, and Mike was the first person I’d met since Terry who’d made me stop and think, what if?

Just then, the man himself walked in with two other hospital staff I hadn’t seen before.

‘We’re going to run more tests now,’ he said gently.

‘Of course,’ said Louisa.

‘We’ll keep you posted,’ Mike added, holding my gaze for longer than he needed to.