Still Water (33 page)

"Get the hell out of bed. I'm over it. It's all very sad and depressing, but you need—"

"I know, I need to function. I get it, bro. I was about to get in the shower."

"I was going to say,
you need to work
. Rent won't pay itself, and I'm broke as shit after all my court fees." Seth shook his head. "Jace. I hate that son of a bitch. I'd have rather rotted in a cell than pay him to drop the charges."

"I get it, I'm up. You're broke? Did you ask your dad for help?" I pulled back the sheets and stretched my sore limbs. It actually felt sort of good to be up.

"You know I don't ask my dad for money, man. I used some of my trust fund though." Seth gave me a dark look.

He was right, he didn't, but I figured this was an exception. "This is different."

"Thanks, but you need to worry about this shit storm
you
got going on."

"I know. I'm going to Emma's place to see my little girl." I pushed past Seth and headed to the bathroom. "You going to join me?" The sarcasm was thick.

He laughed. "I see you're getting your humor back… good sign."

The air exhaled noisily from my chest. "I've got to pull my shit together for Molly."

"Sounds like a plan. Have you spoken—?"

"No, she hasn't contacted me, and I can't… I can't hear her voice, it'll just…"

"I got it… go wash the stink off. You're pretty ripe." Seth smiled and left the room with a chuckle. I wasn't able to laugh back. I wanted nothing more than to talk to Lily, to hear her voice, to feel her breath on my neck and fingertips against my skin. My jaw pulsed until it became painful. The love I felt was too much, too much for such a short time. I wasn't stupid, this wasn't normal, but these feelings were real none-the-fucking-less. I just had to figure out a way to endure it.

M
OLLY'S GIGGLE WAS LIKE
a salve for all the wounds I'd sustained this past week. She was sitting on my lap as I tickled her. She was supposed to be getting ready for bed and the look Emma was giving me had me full on belly laughing.

"All right, baby girl, you're mom said it's time for bed." I spun Molly in my arms, and she held on tight to my neck as I stood and started for her bedroom. "You want me to sing you a song, Lolly?"

"Yes, pewees." She burrowed her nose into my neck the sweet smell of lavender assaulted me. This was the new thing I craved, the new memories I was going to make. My chest constricted as bright copper curls flashed through my mind. I closed my eyes and took in a long breath.

"You all right, Todd?" Emma's quiet voice broke the coil that was building.

"Yeah. Sorry." I moved quickly, getting Molly in her pajamas. She snuggled into her bed, and I situated the stuffed animals like she had the last time I was here. "You ready for a song?"

She bobbed her head and smiled. I started to hum at first, trying to find the right tone. The lyrics from "
Fix You"
by Cold play fell smoothly from my lips. The meaning behind the words were sad but hopeful, and I wanted hope for Molly. I needed to believe that I would always be here for her, no matter how hard I was hurting right now. She was my world, my sweet baby girl, and I had to be a whole person for her, I just had to. My fingers dusted over her small face, her soft skin was the most perfect thing I'd ever felt as I tried to soothe my daughter to sleep. Molly inclined toward the touch, and my mouth turned up at the edges.

Once the song was over, I bent down and kissed her on the cheek. "Night, my sweet girl."

"Night, Daddy."

Emma sniffled as I pulled Molly's door shut. "Todd… that was… so beautiful." Her eyes glistened. She raised her hand to my face, her fingertips brushed at the hair that was hanging low on my forehead. "I'm sorry I ever doubted you. You're such a good man."

"I'm trying, Emma." My smile was small. Emma lifted onto her tiptoes, her lips met the corner of my mouth and lingered. She turned her head infinitesimally, her mouth now flush with mine. My hand instinctively lifted to her face as her lips moved gently against me. This kiss was like a slow poison — the physical touch I required, the love I needed to feel. "Lily," I whispered against her lips.

Emma stepped back abruptly. The motion brought me back to reality. The shame started to suffocate me immediately. "W-what." Her hand shook as she brought her fingers to her mouth. "Oh my gosh, I shouldn't have kissed you. I'm sorry, you looked so… and I just care about you… I mean… I forgot about her." She looked down at her feet.

"I'm sorry, Emma. I'm—"

Her head shot up. "Wait… you kissed me back, Todd."

"Lily left me, Em. I'm all mixed up right now. I'm sorry, I'm such a shit. I shouldn't have—"

"She left you?" Emma looked at me with compassion.

"It's a long story, but I'm just fucked up over it." I winced. "Sorry, I shouldn't swear."

"You kissed me back because you wished it was her." It was a statement, not a question.

I didn't want to hurt Emma, but I couldn't be with her like that. She wasn't the one who made everything right for me. "I need some time to get my head straight, but I'm here for Mol, okay? I wasn't lying when I told you I'd be here for her no matter what."

"I'm sorry I kissed you." She gave me a repentant smile. Emma was a good person; she just wanted the wrong guy.

"I'm sorry, too." I wrapped my palm around the back of her head as I gently pulled her to my chest. "You're a good girl, and I'm so glad, so damn appreciative, that Molly has you to look up to."

Emma enfolded her arms around my waist as she spoke, "We can do this."

I wasn't in love with Emma, but right now, in this moment, we were both just two broken people, two friends, two people who never seemed to get what they wanted, but just maybe in each other we could find some semblance of happiness. We had one hell of connection after all, and her sweet little eyes were closed as she slept in the next room. "We can."

I
WAS ABOUT A MILE
away from Emma's house when my phone dinged. My stomach dropped when I saw it was just Colby.

Colby:
Seth said you're in town. Can you stop by?

I wanted to kill him for what he said to Lily. I thought it best if I didn't see him in person.

Me:
I don't think you want to see me right now.

His text was immediate.

Colby:
I know she left. Seth told me. I feel like shit.

Me:
You should feel like shit…

Colby:
Just stop by.

I ignored his text and continued to drive south. My phone alerted again. This time it was Cameron.

Cam:
Please. Your brother is an asshole and feels like a dick. Let him apologize.

Maybe I'd just stop by, punch him in his face, and then leave. I smiled, that sounded perfect.

Me:
On my way.

Cam:
Thank You.

She wouldn't be thanking me in about ten minutes. I was going to lay that little shit out. I made a U-turn, and the engine roared as I pushed down on the accelerator.

Colby and Cam lived up by the University in a small, one bedroom apartment. The apartment complex was always crawling with Frat boys, basically party central. I hated coming here, and, right now, all I wanted to do was put my fist through Colby's jaw. The alarm for my truck chirped twice as I pressed down on the remote lock. They lived on the first floor, so Cam must have looked out her window when I pulled up because she met me at the front door. She hurriedly stepped out from the apartment and shut the door. My adrenaline was thrumming searching for release.

"Whoa, Todd. I know you're upset, and I know how you guys get with each other, but listen… he feels super bad." Cam's eyes widened as she took in my appearance.

My jaw was tight, my shoulders rolled back, and my nostrils flared. "Cammie, get the hell out of my way." She pressed her palms flat against my chest.

"Todd, he didn't… I've never seen you this pissed… you need to breathe." Cam pushed on my chest again, and my muscles flexed. Nope, there was no way I was backing down. I was beyond fucking pissed. All my rage, all my hurt, all this damn loss was flooding my circuits. I was misfiring, and it was because of him, because what he said spooked
her
… Lily, I allowed myself to think the name. The thought of her name, the sound of it, was like shrapnel in my head.

"Get. Out. Of. My. Way." I easily pushed forward, Cam's huff lost on me. Cold fury washed over my body as I stepped through the threshold of their apartment. Colby was just coming from the kitchen when he saw me.

"Hey, we need—"

I didn't let him finish. The force in which my fist hit Colby's face caused the bone to crack noisily and blood to spurt from his nose. My left fist met his stomach, and he fell to his knees gasping for air. My breathing was labored as I tackled him to the ground. We wrestled on the ground, and I was able to get him into a headlock. Colby punched me in the side, and I grunted, losing my grip on his throat for a split second. My hand slipped in something wet and we both fell over onto the ground.

Cam's piercing cry broke me from my testosterone charged state. "Stop! Stop. Please, Todd." She started to cry. "You're not angry at him, you're angry at her.
She
left you. Colby made a mistake, but in the end…" Cam inhaled trying to catch her breath. "…she left you. So be angry at
her
, be sad, go home and hide in your damn room, but don't come into our house… my God, Todd, look what you did." Cam's eyes spilled over with tears.

I took in my surroundings — the numbness faded, my lips throbbed, my fist ached. The floor was covered in blood, and my brother was sprawled on his back holding his nose. Colby's eye was swollen shut, his left eyebrow was split open, and his nose was most definitely broken.
Fuck.
I'd lost my damn mind. "Colby, I'm so sorry."

"Don't Todd, I'd have done the same shit."

"Colby! Don't condone this crap." Cam was incredulous.

"Cammie, I love you, baby, I do… but this is what we do, this is how Todd and I roll." He attempted to smile and winced. "If this shit went down with me and you, babe, sure as shit I'd be beating down this idiot's door. I said some things I shouldn't have. I let Lily believe one thing when I was really just trying…" Colby groaned as he attempted to sit up. I took his hand in mine and helped him up into a sitting position. "I messed up, man. You're my brother. Like I said, I was just trying to gauge where that chick was at, and, apparently, she wasn't all in." Colby's eyes locked with mine. "I'm truly sorry that she wasn't."

Cam kneeled down and started assessing Colby's injuries. My head dropped into my hands. Lily wasn't all-in. She wasn't. If she cared about me like she said she had, she would have made this work. But she never really said she loved me, did she? The one time she uttered the words, it had been a mistake. She didn't mean it. It was a short-lived, passionate, lust-filled illusion I must have created in my head.

"When are you going to start looking out for just you, man? You don't need this shit. You got a kid now. Focus on that." Colby grabbed my hand and pulled me into a side hug.

The ground felt unstable as I stood up on shaky legs. Colby pulled himself up as he gripped my forearm, and Cam helped by supporting his shoulder. "You broke my damn nose." Colby chuckled.

"This isn't funny." Cam's lips made a hard line.

It wasn't funny, none of it was. How was I supposed to go on from this point? I couldn't see a solution. Once again, I'd fallen for a girl who wanted something more than me, and I was left in the wake to fend for myself. This time though, Colby was right, I needed to focus. I'd go through the mechanics of each day, create a happy world for my daughter, work at the bar, make music, produce records, and make other people's dreams come true. But at night, when I was no longer on display, I'd let the certainty of my life engulf me. I'd let the loneliness sink in. I was back at square one. I was damaged, I was worthless, and I wasn't worth keeping.