Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals
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Authors: Jeffery Self
“My survival kit is now complete with Jeffery Self’s hilarious new book! I feel more confident and educated, and frankly, safer among heterosexuals now after reading this guide book!”
—Jesse Tyler Ferguson, star of
Modern Family
“I’ve always claimed that Jeffery Self is the funniest writer and performer of his generation.
Straight People
is the hilarious LOL nail in any counter-argument coffin. Because I’ll kill anyone who disagrees.”
—Joshua Kilmer-Purcell, author of I
Am Not Myself These Days
, star of
The Fabulous Beekman Boys
, and winner of
The Amazing Race
, season 21
“What Jeffery Self knows about straight people would fit in a book. I laughed a lot and learned a great deal. It’s the literary equivalent of a rectal examination.”
—Graham Norton, host of
The Graham Norton Show
“People always say that Jeffery Self is the poor man’s Kristen Johnston, but that’s not only untrue, it’s offensive to both of us. He’s quite clearly the poor man’s Amy Sedaris.”
—Kristen Johnston, star of
3rd Rock from the Sun, The Exes
, and author
of
Guts
“Jeffery Self is hilarious. His originality and wit blow me away every time!”
—Amy Schumer, stand-up comedienne and actress
“Jeffery’s humor combines old-guard theater queen sophistication with 21st century irreverence—and his work often reduces me to tears of laughter.”
—Christopher Rice,
New York Times
bestselling author and co-host of
The Dinner Party Show
Straight People
A Spotter’s Guide to the Fascinating
World of Heterosexuals
Jeffery Self
© 2013 by Jeffery Self
Published by Running Press,
A Member of the Perseus Books Group
All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright Conventions
This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, without written permission from the publisher
.
Books published by Running Press are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the United States by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA 19103, or call (800) 810-4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail
[email protected]
.
Library of Congress Control Number: 2012944545
E-book ISBN 978-0-7624-4898-2
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Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing
Cover and interior design by Jason Kayser
Edited by Jordana Tusman
Typography: Concorde, Helvetica, and Sketchetik
Running Press Book Publishers
2300 Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, PA 19103-4371
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Dedication
To my parents, two of the coolest Heterosexuals I’ve ever met. And to Patrick, my bug.
Here we’ll get to know each other, like really get to know each other. Know what I mean? No. Not like that. Geez. Get your mind out of the gutter. This is a book, for crying out loud!
This chapter outlines the varied breeds within the Heterosexual species. From Hipsters to Married Couples to Sassy Black Ladies, refer to this chapter while Heterosexual Watching to determine what kind of Heterosexual you’ve spotted
.
An explanation of the diverse habitats of the Heterosexual, from those found in metropolitan cities to those living a quieter life in suburbia
.
An exploration of the quirky habits practiced by Heterosexuals, from their gender-specific watering holes (called Straight Bars) to their distinctive mating rituals (known as dating)
.
Heterosexual Migration Patterns
This chapter takes you on a journey through the Heterosexual’s migratory patterns, exploring vacation hot spots, such as Colonial Williamsburg and Orlando, Florida. Pack a suitcase, we’re going on a Straight Person vacation!
This chapter describes the spectrum of feeding patterns distinct to the Heterosexual. Get ready to be hungry! Better yet, go ahead and grab a snack and get one for me, too! Yes, Bugles are a great idea
.
Heterosexuals gravitate toward a unique brand of pop culture, one unlike that of any other species. For example, while Heterosexuals have little time for musical theater, their patience for Dane Cook is seemingly inexhaustible. In this chapter, we explore the ins and outs of Heterosexuals’ pop culture preferences and how to better understand their celebrity icons
.
A complete guide to the calls and songs of Heterosexuals, including tips on how to open up a conversation with Heterosexuals, and a glossary of the terms that you’ll need in order to do so
.
Afterthoughts about Heterosexuals
In this chapter I am forced to say good-bye and, even though we just met, I can already tell I’m going to miss you
.
H
ELLO
, H
ETEROSEXUAL
W
ATCHERS
, S
TRAIGHT
-P
EOPLE
S
POTTERS
, and Opposite-Sex-Couples Enthusiasts! My name is Jeffery Self, and, yes, that is a real name.
I know what you’re thinking: The name
Self
sounds about as made up as
Whoopi Goldberg
, but you’re wrong.
Self
is my given name, but while we’re on the topic:
Whoopi Goldberg
is the most ridiculous of made-up names in the history of such a thing. Especially when you consider that her real name is Caryn Elaine Johnson. I think that I seem more like a Caryn Elaine Johnson than Whoopi Goldberg does, but none of this has anything to do with Heterosexuals except that Whoopi is one of them—but enough about Whoopi;
*
let’s get back to my book, shall we?
het·er·o·sex·u·al watch·ing
noun
. 1. The hobby of watching and observing the endlessly varied species of the Heterosexual, also known as Straight People. 2. The practice of observing this marvelous species that has been called “common,” “prevalent,” and “capable of reproduction.”
Now, you might be wondering about me. That’s to be expected because, well, I’m endlessly fascinating. You’re probably asking yourself or your significant other, or your Wilson soccer ball with a face drawn on it if you’re Tom Hanks in
Cast Away, why
should I learn about Straight People from
this guy
?! He seems like a total D-bag, and Jeffery Self is maybe the stupidest name I’ve heard since Meryl Streep named her daughter Mamie Gummer. What authority does this
Jeffery
freaking
Self
have to tell me anything about anything?
Especially Straight People?
That is a totally valid question, and I’m happy to answer it if you’d lower your voice, lighten your tone, and leave Meryl Streep’s immediate family out of this. Here are 10 of my qualifications that you should know before we get started:
1.
I live in Los Angeles, where some of the world’s most famous Heterosexuals reside. In my short time here I’ve seen: Emily VanCamp shopping for a mattress, the guy from
Entourage
eating a Chinese chicken salad at a restaurant, and even Kirstie Alley standing in a shop window staring at traffic with a look that either said, “I have been wronged by the world one too many times” or “I am Kirstie Alley.”
2.
Not only was I raised by a Heterosexual. I was raised by
two
Heterosexuals.
3.
I live in an apartment building where Heterosexuals live. In fact, I’ve heard my Heterosexual upstairs neighbor having sex more times in the past month than I’ve had all year.
4.
I’m gay. Which means I know everything about pop culture and that I can sing the words to
every
Spice Girls song that has ever been recorded. And guess who are
all
Heterosexuals? That’s right: the Spice Girls. With the exception of Scary Spice; she seems like she could go either way.
5.
I made out with
a lot
of Straight Guys in college.
6.
There is no such thing as a Jennifer Aniston movie that I’ve never seen.
7.
I’m medicated nowadays, so I’m
a lot
less to deal with on a daily basis.
8.
My boyfriend works at a women’s daytime talk show, and we get
a lot
of free women’s lotion and bath products, so I basically smell like your girlfriend. Or more like your aunt Gwen. Who might also be your girlfriend. I don’t know your personal life and I don’t need to. Speaking of which . . .