Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (9 page)

This is just an example of one Heterosexual home. Not all Heterosexual Habitats have the aforementioned things, except for plaid sofas.
Every
Heterosexual owns a plaid sofa. There are a handful of other things you can find in almost every Heterosexual home as well.

It’s highly likely that you’ll find at least one of those items in any of the popular Heterosexual Habitats outlined below. These are the most common habitats of the Heterosexual.

Many Heterosexuals can be found in major metropolitan areas, usually in a one-bedroom apartment or duplex. These Heterosexuals typically vote Democratic, have tried Indonesian food at least once, claim to have seen all of Wes Anderson’s movies, and personally know a bare minimum of three aspiring graphic novelists. These Heterosexuals procreate less frequently than others of their species, based solely on the fact that their apartments are usually a maximum of 500 square feet. Heterosexual archetypes like the Outspoken Liberal (
page 51
), the Single Wannabe Carrie Bradshaw Female (
page 31
), and the Metrosexual (
page 35
) can be found in these environments.

An elite group of very attractive, purebred Heterosexuals reside in golf course subdivisions (sprawling green landmasses Heterosexuals flock to for a quiet, never-ending escapade called golf,
*
which utilizes sticks, balls, and high-priced polo shirts). These golf course subdivisions are their own communities of manicured
lawns, enormous SUVs, and Junior Service Leagues—and some of them even allow black people nowadays! Heterosexual archetypes like Outspoken Conservatives (
page 54
) and Married Couples (
page 38
) can be found in these environments.

Many Heterosexuals prefer the quiet comfort of nature and seclusion. Far from city life, these Heterosexuals build a habitat among the silent splendor of the great outdoors (the place, not the movie with John Candy and Annette Bening
*
). These Heterosexuals reside in a variety of nests, including cabins, AirStream trailers, and double-wides. They are most identifiable by their dirty coats and broad collections of belt buckles and/or bolos. Pretty much any Heterosexual archetype can be found in these places—except for the Metrosexual. If there’s one thing Metrosexuals avoid it is double-wides—as well as Willie Nelson music and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

Located just outside a large city, these suburban neighborhoods are for working-class Heterosexual families interested in strip malls, good schools, T.J. Maxx clearance sales, day care, and reliable places to rent those inflatable play units for children’s birthday parties. These communities were portrayed perfectly on
the hit TV series
Desperate Housewives
(minus the excessive murder, adultery, and Felicity Huffman
*
). Heterosexual archetypes such as the Married Couple (
page 38
)
love
suburbia.

These next locales are specific places and are slightly less common as Heterosexual Habitats than the ones mentioned above, but are still popular enough to warrant discussion.

This is a habitat many Heterosexuals call home. Besides having the highest suicide rate of any American city, Seattle has provided the world with such Heterosexual favorites as Starbucks, Pearl Jam, and iconic Heterosexual music artist Kenny G. If you get stuck in a conversation with Heterosexuals from Seattle, chances are they
love
to talk about how happy they are to live there, so stick with that.

Known for its country music scene, this Heterosexual mecca is home to some of the world’s biggest country music superstars. Heterosexual stars like Martina McBride, Keith Urban, and Carrie Underwood call this Southern city home. For me, Nashville stands out because not only does Keith Urban live there, but so does his wife, Nicole Kidman! One time my mom’s friend Sharon
met
Nicole Kidman in the bathroom of a Cracker Barrel while visiting Tennessee, and if that’s not a reason to live there, then I don’t know what is.

Located just outside of Los Angeles, this area could arguably be included in the suburbia category, but I think it deserves its own mention. The San Fernando Valley is where Heterosexuals working in show business live, due to easy access to sizable houses, pretty lawns, and an abundance of drive-through food options.

The most liberal of Outspoken Liberals (
page 51
) live in Vermont. It’s the kind of place where lesbian-used bookstores that specialize in mysteries written in the 1970s are more common than corporate-owned grocery stores. Heterosexuals living in Vermont have names like Jade, Zane, and Peaceflower Jones.

Obviously, these aren’t the only places you’ll find Heterosexuals. That’s the beauty of Heterosexuals—they’re everywhere. Maybe you know some great Heterosexual Habitats you think I might have forgotten. If so, maybe you should stop being so critical and turn to the next page so I can teach you about the Heterosexual lifestyle. See what I did there? That’s called a transition. It’s also called throwing shade!
*

*
The day that a pack of female hygiene products arrived in the bathroom my older sister and I shared, I was
extremely
confused, but didn’t want to ask because I sensed I wasn’t supposed to. Instead, I opened a pack of women’s pads and wore one inside my briefs for an entire day of school just to see how it felt. And my family was surprised when I told them I was gay.

*
See Golf (
page 92
).

*
Two actors popular with Heterosexuals, but neither popular enough to win Academy Awards.

*
I do not endorse
any
of those three things.

*
What is shade? First of all, this is not a Heterosexual term; in fact, it is far from it. Shade describes the tell-it-like-it-is attitude of gay men, drag queens, and a handful of Sassy Black Ladies (
page 63
). For example, look over at that very gay cashier in the store you’re standing in and watch as he rolls his eyes and judgmentally glares at that woman who’s been staring at blouses in the clearance section for the past two hours. That is shade.

T
HE
H
ETEROSEXUAL
L
IFESTYLE MIGHT SURPRISE SOME OF YOU
. For others, it might be exactly what you expected. If you’re part of the latter group, please go along with this because the rest of the class (by the way, I’ve started thinking of this as a class and I’m the teacher, but a nice teacher, like the cute, young guy teacher on
Glee
, not Jane Lynch and her startlingly broad shoulders) isn’t as worldly as you.

Now that you’ve learned about so many breeds of Heterosexuals, you might be overwhelmed by exactly how to spot one of them. Fear not. If you know what key physical traits to look for, spotting a Heterosexual can be as easy as tying your shoes— unless you don’t have hands, in which case, how did you pick up this book and turn to this page to begin with? You, dear reader, are a true survivor.

This is clearly a Heterosexual Male. How can I tell? Because I’m
very
smart. Also because I have studied the Heterosexual Male so closely that I have received more restraining orders than Michael Lohan. The Heterosexual Male gives himself away through many distinguishing features that you, too, can spot in the Heterosexuals around you.

This Heterosexual hasn’t shaved in at least four days, and has no intention of doing so anytime soon. See the way it grows in full across his chin and upper lip? It’s not because he’s going for the scruffy international look that I’ve been trying to master since 2009; it’s because this Heterosexual spends too much time playing World of Warcraft, and because his girlfriend has always had a thing for truckers.

Jeans are almost always the perfect indicator. The typical Heterosexual Male prefers the comfort of a loose pair of jeans, usually a straight-leg or “carpenter-style” cut, with the added mind-set of the more pockets the better. Oftentimes, these pockets feature an embroidered pattern or design on the back that looks like something Prince would have changed his name to in the mid-1990s.