Stripped Raw (22 page)

“I understand.”

“She was born at twenty-two weeks.”

“She?”

I nod. “We were going to call her Zoe.”

“When was this?”

“Two years ago,” I whisper. “We tried to move on. We went to counseling, but it didn’t work.”

“I think that would rip a lot of couples apart.”

“I won’t let anything take you away from me,” I say.

Her eyes soften, and she plants a gentle kiss on my lips. “No man’s ever been afraid of losing me before.”

“Promise me,” I say. “Promise I won’t lose you.”

“I’m right here, baby. I promise.” She holds my face in her hands. “How did it happen?”

“Pre-term labor.” I lean my head back and close my eyes. “Lily went into cardiac arrest after delivering Zoe.”

“Cardiac arrest?”

“I’ll never forget the look on the doctor’s face,” I say quietly. “I’d rushed to the hospital from the office. I knew it was way too early. I was supposed to be in the room with Lily when she delivered. That was our birth plan, but her condition was too critical. The doctor came out and told me that our baby was born dead, that Lily’s heart had stopped, and a cardiac specialist was working on her.”

“My God!” She strokes my hair, brushing my face with her fingertips.

“He took me in a room and let me hold Zoe while I waited to hear about Lily.”

“I bet she was beautiful,” Kenzie says.

I swallow hard and nod. “I don’t know what color her eyes were.”

“Blue like yours, I bet,” Kenzie says, and she sounds so sure.

“I hope so,” I say. My body floods with guilt. A part of me wants to hold that memory close—the only time I held my baby. But another part of me wants to forget—not remember how she was so small I could hold her in one hand. “I sat there holding the tiny body of my dead daughter for close to an hour before the doctor finally came in and told me Lily was stable.”

“Thank God,” Kenzie says. “Did she get a chance to see the baby?”

“No,” I say. “That’s why she wanted pictures of the house—the nursery.”

“Makes sense, I guess, but why does she want pictures now?”

“The night of the station party was the anniversary of our baby’s death. That coupled with the house selling has been a lot on Lily.”

“A lot on you, too.”

“I was going to tell you. It’s hard to talk about.”

“Lily’s so young to lose a baby like that. I’ve never heard something so horrible.”

“Bulimia,” I whisper like the dirty little secret it is.

“What? She was doing that while she was pregnant?”

“She was purging the whole time we were married,” I say. “Only I didn’t realize it—not until that day. I just kept asking the doctor how this could’ve happened. He looked at me with such confusion, like I should’ve known. That’s when I found out. The pregnancy actually gave her a good cover. She kept telling me it was morning sickness.”

“Kane, there’s no way you could’ve known the difference.”

I push back slightly. “I’m paid to know these things—to notice things about people. I should’ve known my wife was slowly killing herself. I guess I stopped paying attention, or I didn’t want to see, or I was working too much. I don’t know.”

“You can’t think like that.”

“I should’ve known,” I yell, but Kenzie doesn’t even flinch.

“Does Lily blame you?”

“No, but she wouldn’t admit she had a problem, even after the baby died. But she said she could see the pain in my eyes every time she looked at me, and that’s why she asked for the divorce. She thought I blamed her.”

“Did you?”

“No, I blame myself. She was my wife. I vowed to take care of her, and I failed.”

She cups my face. “Tell me.” I lift my eyes to hers and shake my head slightly. “Tell me how bad it hurts.” I admit I’m scared to death. It feels like if I open these gates, I’ll never close them again. Kenzie kisses me gently. “My guess is that the focus after this happened was on Lily and has stayed that way. My guess is you never shared what this did to you. How bad it hurt you?”

She is right, of course. I have never opened my heart to this pain in front of anyone before. Being a man means being strong. It means never losing it—always being in control. But it hurts so damn bad. It has to come out, and I know my heart, my pain is safe with Kenzie. “She. . . .”

“Lily?”

I bite down on the inside of my mouth, trying to redirect the pain. “She’d binge and purge. Then she’d eat a small piece of fruit so the baby didn’t starve. That was her logic, that’s how she was feeding our child.” My head collapses to her shoulder, a few tears landing on her shirt. I’ve never even seen Kenzie cry. Damn, I’m a wimp, but I can’t help it. I can’t hold it in any longer. I cling to her like she is my only lifeline. She just might be the only reason I’m not totally losing my fucking mind right now. “She didn’t tell me that until a few months ago.”

“I’m glad you’re helping her. I’m glad she’s finally getting well.”

“Me, too,” I whisper. “Lily and I tried to get pregnant for so long. I didn’t realize we were having trouble because she was so sick, her body so malnourished. I was so happy when we found out. And I wanted a girl from the beginning. It seemed perfect.”

“Not for Lily, I guess.”

“No, the doctors think the pregnancy made her worse. The thought that she couldn’t control her own body, her own weight.”

“I’m sure that was scary for her.”

“Why didn’t I see it, Kenzie? God, if I hadn’t been working so much, maybe?”

“You loved her, Kane. It’s harder to see things when we love someone.”

“I won’t be that way with you, Kenzie,” I say softly. “I promise, I’ll always pay attention.”

“I know that. No one has ever loved me like you love me.”

I lean my forehead down on hers. “That’s what happens when you lose someone. You learn to love like you are losing them—like they could be taken from you in a second.”

“You aren’t losing me.”

“I could, so I’m not going to take you for granted. Not one kiss, not one hug. I have so many regrets, so I won’t waste one moment with you because it can all be gone. It can all be taken away.”

She holds my face in her hands again, my eyes wet with tears. But through the pain, the tears, she holds my gaze and promises, “Love without regrets.”

“Love without regrets,” I promise back.

KANE

For once, Kenzie
wakes up before me. I never sleep in, but after yesterday, after telling her everything, I needed the sleep. I always believed I needed to hold all that in, and maybe with Lily, I had to. I had to be strong for her, but keeping all that shit locked up never made me feel better. It just took too much energy to hold it all in—carrying a heavy weight on my chest. But last night when I crawled in bed, and Kenzie laid her head on my chest, the weight was entirely different. Wish I wouldn’t have let those few tears slip, but I don’t even fucking care about that. It feels too good to have all that off my chest, to have shared it with Kenzie—to wake up this morning for the first time in two years and actually have a fresh start to the day, not carry the pain of the days and years before.

Time to only look ahead. I get dressed and find Kenzie pouring over intern applications and possible relocation properties. She’s been agonizing over them for days. I pick up some MLS realty reports. “We should look at these three. I can set it up.” She gives me a little nod then turns her attention to the intern resumes. I know which ones I’d interview, but I don’t want to overstep. Besides, Kenzie has a great instinct for people and doesn’t really need my two cents. I reach for my keys, and Kenzie throws me a look.

“Have fun on your date” she says.

“Ah, hell,” I groan. “Do you and Tessa tell each other everything?”

She gives me a laugh. “Pretty much.”

I just shake my head, kiss her on the cheek, and head out. I bolt across town, not wanting to be late—not wanting to keep her waiting. Opening the door to the coffee shop, my eyes find her right away. I motion for her not to stand, and I sit down.

“Right on time,” Tessa says, lifting a cup of hot tea to her lips. “Is everything alright? I was surprised you called me. I was kidding when I said we should plan out the rest of Kenzie’s life.”

“Well, I did tell you I have plans of my own. I hope meeting here is alright. I could’ve just come to Michael’s house.”

“This is perfect. He has Zoe at a play group at the church across the street. I can’t really do the exercises with her anymore, and he wasn’t going to leave me home alone, so this worked out well.”

“Good,” I say, wringing my hands together.

Tessa tilts her head back and forth. “Is Kenzie upset with me or something? You seem different.”

“Kenzie’s. . . .” I know I’m smiling. Thinking of her just does that to me. “She’s. . . .”

“Oh, my God! Is she pregnant?” Tessa screams out. People as far as four tables away look over at us. I can’t believe she just did that. I hold my hands up. “Shh! No, she’s not pregnant.”

“Well, darn. Zoe needs a cousin.”

“Think Kenzie and I will have our hands full with Zoe. . . .” Tessa looks away from me, out the window to the yard. Could I have said anything more idiotic? “Tessa, that came out wrong.”

“It’s not that.” She turns her eyes back to me. “It means a lot to me that you love Zoe so much.”

I reach for her hand. “Kenzie and I will love her like she’s our own, I promise you, but we will make sure she knows who her mother is.”

Tessa shakes her head slightly and lifts her mug to her lips. “This isn’t why you wanted to talk to me.”

“It is a little bit,” I say. “I want your permission to marry Kenzie.” Tessa holds her mug frozen in front of her face, the seconds slowly ticking by. Her eyes aren’t giving away a thing. “I know I’m supposed to ask Michael, but it would mean more to Kenzie that I ask you.” I reach out and gently lower the mug, Tessa’s huge grin coming into view.

“It’s about time,” she says reaching over and wrapping her arms around my neck.

I chuckle. “I think everyone else is going to say it’s too soon.”

“Screw everyone else,” Tessa says. “Why waste time? No one is promised a tomorrow.”

*

KENZIE

I peek up
over my sewing machine, watching Kane typing on my computer. He’s been at it for hours and hours, ever since he got back from his mystery date with Tessa. Surely they weren’t serious about planning the rest of my life? It’s time to pry some information out of him. I probably should cut him a break, considering everything he shared with me about Lily and their baby. It breaks my heart to think about what they went through. But it explains a lot, too—it explains Kane’s heart—the way he loves with everything he is. He doesn’t know another way. His past has made him incapable of loving any less. It’s scary for a girl like me, a girl who’s never had a man love her like that. If I lose him, I know I’ll never recover. His love has ruined me for anyone else. It’s what sustains me. And Kane couldn’t survive another loss, either. So I guess we both better hold on.

And I know which parts I want to hold on to. Besides, he needs a break—his eyes bloodshot, his hair a mess. “How about a. . . .”

“Shh! Give me one minute,” Kane says, holding up his finger. He sticks a pencil in his mouth and types a little more. Then a grin appears. He removes the pencil and throws it down on the table. “Damn.”

“What?”

“I’ve been going over your books.”

“Oh, God, they’re that bad?”

“Come here,” he says and points to the screen. “Look here. This is your projected income for the year. Do you see that?”

“You did something wrong?” I say, starting to check the numbers myself. There is no way this is right.

“I double and triple checked.”

I try to pick my jaw up off the floor as I stare at the screen. I know Kane makes double, maybe even quadruple that number, but that’s big money for me. That means security for me and my family. “I can give Zoe anything she needs.”

“I never doubted that. All she really needs is your love.”

I swear I got lighter. It was like I just lost twenty pounds, the weight that lifted. “I really did it.”

“You did it, baby,” Kane says. “The sales since the Deacon interview pushed you over the top. And there’s no reason to think you won’t just continue to grow each year.”

“I can send her to private school and college and dance lessons and. . . .”

Kane captures me in his arms. “And maybe get out of this shit hole you call an apartment.”

I laugh out loud. “And maybe hire an intern so we can have more time together once you go back to your real job.”

“I’m so proud of you.”

Hugging him tightly, I press my body into his as he grips my booty with both hands. I lean my head on his chest, listening to the rhythm of his heart. I never imagined my little company would make it. I never imagined I’d have someone to share it with. I never imagined a boyfriend feeling proud of me, or how much that would mean to me. I kiss him tenderly on the mouth, take his hand, and lead him towards my apartment—my bed.

Sex is like riding a bike, right? Nerves flutter in my stomach. It’s been a long time since I’ve had sex, but I’m finally ready. And I know Kane’s been ready for weeks, but I wasn’t going to have our first time be around Zoe’s nap schedule. I hold his gaze, his normally bright eyes darkening and his thumb running across his bottom lip. When he reaches out and holds my cheek in the palm of his hand, my nerves settle and I reach for the bottom of his shirt, tugging it over his head, the tan skin of his ripped abs coming into view.