Stripped Raw (27 page)

Walking towards the nursery, the light is on, and the door is wide open. He has to be in there. Maybe it’s best to leave him alone? Maybe he needs this time? But maybe he needs me right now as much as I need him?

My Tiffany Blue heels carry me forward to Kane, to my future. I freeze at the threshold of the door, as if there is some invisible barrier there. I’ve never met her, but I immediately know who she is. Lily’s head is resting on Kane’s shoulder, his arm around her waist as they stare at the crib—together.

I take a small step back. This is intimate. I feel it. I’m losing him. Suddenly, my fear is bigger than my strength, and my heart shatters into pieces. Pieces that will build a wall around my heart to protect me from ever feeling this way again. The thing about heartbreak is with each break—the pieces get harder and harder, until they can no long be penetrated.

His fingertips play with Lily’s blonde hair. “I still love you,” Lily says quietly. “Too much has happened between us for me not to.”

“I love you, too,” Kane whispers.

My hand flies over my mouth. It is the only way to keep myself from crying out. I step out of the shoes, leave them on the floor, and reach into my purse, placing the ring down inside one shoe before taking one last look as Kane’s lips touch Lily’s forehead. Then I take off, running barefoot down the stairs. This time I’m just running away. There’s no one to run to—I guess there never was.

*

What happened to
my life in the last few hours? My head is splitting, my heart rate won’t slow down, and Kane won’t stop calling. My phone rings every thirty seconds. It’s driving me crazy. Don’t crack! I need to be strong right now, but my body isn’t listening. The damn phone rings again.

“Kane, please stop calling me.”

“You were finally saying
yes
. You had on the shoes,” Kane says, his voice giving way.

“And you had your arm around Lily.”

“Shit,” Kane mumbles. “It wasn’t anything, Kenzie.”

“It was, Kane. We both know it.”

“No, it fucking wasn’t,” he barks. “We need to straighten this out. Are you at Tessa’s house?”

“Yeah.”

“Stay there. I’m coming over. I’m only a couple minutes away. Please don’t leave. I’ve got to see you.”

I step onto Tessa’s porch to wait for him. No way am I letting him inside the house or my heart again. I cross my arms, protecting my core—my heart. He pulls into the driveway and hops out of his car, carrying the proposal shoes in his hand. He steps close, reaching for me, but I step back.

“Please put the shoes back on.”

“I can’t,” I say, so softly I barely recognize my own voice. “It wouldn’t be fair to either one of us. Let’s not drag this out or hurt each other.”

“What’re you talking about?”

“This has been fun, but it’s over.”

“Nothing’s over. I’m not sure what you think you saw or think happened with Lily, but. . . .”

“You still love her. I can see it in your eyes. I heard you say it.”

“Of course I still love her, but not like you’re talking about. I told you that.”

“Why were you with her?”

“She called very upset about packing up the nursery. I went over so we could say goodbye together.”

“So she called and you rushed over?”

“Well, not really. She was crying.”

“Where were you supposed to be?”

Kane lowers his eyes and whispers, “Lunch. I forgot our lunch.”

“And I deserve to be first in a man’s life, not second to his work or his ex. Not have to share his time.”

“You’re right,” Kane says. “And you are.”

“No, I’m not. You will always be there for Lily.”

“She’s sick.”

“I know that,” I say. “But what happens when she needs you on my birthday or during Tessa’s funeral? Who will you choose then?” Kane opens up his mouth, but I interrupt him. “You love her. Give your marriage another shot.”

“That’s crazy,” Kane says. “You’re talking crazy. I want to be married to you.”

“But I can’t play second fiddle to her and until she’s healthy, I will. I know myself too well to know I can’t do that. Please don’t make this harder on me, Kane. I’m overwhelmed. I’m going to be a mom soon. I should’ve never asked you to do that with me. That wasn’t fair.”

“Kenzie, this is your old shit getting in the way. What you saw was nothing. You don’t need to leave me before I leave you. I’m not leaving. You can rely on me.”

“I can rely on myself,” I snap, taking a few steps back to the safety of the house and slamming the door.

But he doesn’t leave. Kane bangs on the door with both fists. “Don’t shut me out, please. Let’s work this out. I don’t want to fight.” He hits the door a few more times. “Has Tessa taught you nothing?”

I fling the door open, keys and purse in hand. “How dare you use my sister dying to try to justify what you did?”

“I’m not,” Kane says. “But Tessa has taught me how important it is to not waste time, and fighting is a big waste of time. Time we can’t get back. I don’t want to lose you, Kenzie, not one second. That’s why I’m changing jobs, changing my life. I know what’s important.”

“Apparently, it’s Lily.”

“Dammit, Kenzie. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made you cry when all I ever want is to hear you laugh.”

“I have to get to Tessa and Zoe.”

“Not before we fix this. I love you.”

“I don’t want to fight with you,” I say.

“Kenzie, we’re gonna fight sometimes. It doesn’t mean I’m leaving you. I’m not changing my mind about you or us or. . . .”

I exhale. “I don’t have the energy for this, Kane. Tessa is in hospice.”

He steps a little closer. “Jesus, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I called you a dozen times. I left you a message. You were too busy with Lily.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Look, it’s only a matter of time. I have to devote all my energy to Tessa and Zoe. I can’t have my energy divided right now, trying to fix something between us, worrying if you’re still hung up on your ex. I don’t have the time or energy for that.”

*

Get to Tessa!
Just get to Tessa! I just keep repeating that over and over again in my head as I drive to Michael’s house. My sole focus has to be my sister and Zoe. I pass the hospice nurse leaving as I walk into my stepfather’s house. Tessa is on the sofa, weakly holding a pen and notebook, no doubt making me the list of her jewelry and when to give it to Zoe. Even holding the pen looks like a struggle. I drop my purse to the floor. “Tessa?”

“Kenz?” Tessa smiles slightly, closing the notebook and placing it aside.

Don’t break down. It won’t help her to see you crying. I take a deep breath, knowing I need to stay strong. I walk to my sister and kneel down beside the sofa. “I’m here.”

“For the last time,” Tessa says.

“No,” I say. “I’ll. . . .”

“I don’t want you to see me any worse. Please, Kenzie, I don’t want you to remember me like this.” It breaks my heart, but I agree. I’ll give Tessa anything she wants. She takes my hand. “Sister Sundays were always my favorite day of the week.”

“Mine, too.”

“Promise we’ll still talk on Sundays,” Tessa says. I bite my lip so hard I draw blood. Tears fill my eyes, but I don’t let them out. But Tessa knows me too well. She can see my struggle. “There’s no perfect way to do this, sis. I can see you trying to be the perfect little sister and say goodbye to me in just the right way.”

“I have to make sure. . . .”

“There’s no soul in perfection,” Tessa says. “Just be you.”

“I have so much to say. It’s like a thousand little bombs going off in my head. I don’t want to forget anything.”

“Start talking,” Tessa says, but there is only silence. I have this crazy thought in my head that the longer I take, the longer I can keep Tessa alive. “I’ll start. I need to talk to you about Brandon.”

Okay, that’s the one thing I won’t give to Tessa. I won’t spend my final minutes with her discussing that good for nothing son of a bitch. “Not now, Tessa.”

She weakly exhales. “Okay, then how are things with Kane?”

“We just. . . .” my voice gives way. “I just ended. . . .”

Tessa’s eyes widen. “Kenzie, no! Why?”

This is hardly what I thought we should be talking about, but I tell my sister everything, anyway. Tessa would have spent her dying breath dragging it out of me if I didn’t. And it feels good to talk to my sister this way—one more time—for the last time.

“I thought he was so perfect,” I say.

“Everyone’s fucked up,” Tessa says. “You just have to find out what kind of fucked up you can live with.”

“I’m going to miss the great philosopher you are.”

Tessa smiles. “Kane screwed up. I’ll rip him a new one later. But he didn’t leave you, Kenzie.”

“He would have, eventually. And I can’t get left again.”

KANE

I’m not sure
how long I stood on Tessa’s front porch—hours? Minutes? Time has stopped because for the second time in my life, my world has crashed down around me. I place the shoes on the doorstep, where she can’t miss them and reach inside my pocket, feeling for her engagement ring. I can’t believe what happened. It’s not over. It can’t be. I walk to my car and slowly pull out of the driveway when my phone rings.

“Kane, it’s Tessa,” her voice is soft, pained.

“Tessa, are you alright?”

“I think I should be asking you that? I talked to Kenzie.”

“Kenzie won’t listen to me.”

“You’re cute, but you are a total jerk.”

“Tessa, I swear to you. I don’t know what happened.”

“I’ll tell you what happened. You were with your ex, said you loved her, had your arms around her, and kissed her.”

Suddenly, Tessa isn’t sounding so weak. She sounds like she wants to kick my ass. “On the forehead. I kissed her on the forehead.”

“Asshole,” Tessa snaps. “Same thing as tonguing her to Kenzie.”

“That’s ridiculous. I love Kenzie.”

“But you stood Kenzie up for your ex-wife.”

“Who’s sick.”

“You still fucked up.”

“I know that,” I say. “You know I love your sister, though.”

“I do. But I have to bust your balls a little bit. You hurt her.”

I rub my chest. It hurts like hell to know I hurt Kenzie. “What do I do now?”

“You’re the hotshot lawyer. You tell me.”

“Do what no other man has ever done. Fight for her. Show her she’s first in my life.”

“You got it,” Tessa says. “And if that doesn’t work, I’ll state in my will that my last wish is for Kenzie to bear your children.”

“Thanks, Tessa,” I say. “Not sure how any of us will get on without you.”

“Happily, I hope,” Tessa says quietly.

“What can I do for you?” I ask. “You want me to watch Zoe or call anyone? How can I help?”

“I’m alright. I’m not scared. It’s just. . . .” her voice breaks. “Zoe. I’m going to miss holding her, loving her, being her mom.”

“Tessa, did Kenzie ever tell you about
my
Zoe?” Tessa listens quietly as I tell her about Lily, our baby, how everything fell apart. I’m a little surprised Kenzie hadn’t told her, but I guess Kenzie felt it was too private to share. “I only got to hold her for that one hour,” I whisper. “And she never had a mother hold her.”

Tessa sniffles into the phone. “I’ll find her for you, I promise. I’ll love her and hold her and kiss her. I promise.”

“Thank you, Tessa.”

“Now you go get Kenzie and make this right,” Tessa says. “She went to ride, I think.”

“Okay,” I say.

“So what’s the plan to win back my stubborn baby sister?”

“Don’t worry, I know just what to do.” I feel my throat tighten, but I’m not the boy who didn’t kiss the girl anymore. I’m a man, and I go after what I want. And I want Kenzie.

*