Stripped Raw (29 page)

She obviously still has a lot of work to do to get better. “Lily, you look like a freaking model.”

Lily smiles. “And you’re sweet, too. No wonder Kane loves you.”

“I wish it was that simple.”

“It is,” Lily says. “Look, I’ve leaned on him way too much. That was wrong of me, and it hurt your relationship. That wasn’t my intention. And I’m not going to do that anymore.”

“He still went to you.”

“Because I’m weak,” Lily says softly. “He only came to me because I was falling apart. And my guess is, you’ve never let him see you fall apart.” I take a deep breath. “Let me give you a little advice. Loving someone, really loving someone, means letting them see your vulnerabilities and insecurities. Letting someone love you in your worst, darkest moments.”

Lily stands up, gives me a small smile, and walks back to her car. When she’s gone, I lift the lid on the shoebox.

A pair of tiny, delicate baby booties are nestled in tissue paper with a note resting on top of them.

These shoes are a promise—a promise of the future I want with you.

My phone rings, and I fumble in my purse to find it, answering breathlessly. The world stops spinning. “I understand. I’m on my way.” I hang up and pull up Kane’s number.

*

KANE

My phone vibrates
against the hardwood of my desk, and I look down to see Kenzie’s name flash across the screen. Finally! I don’t care if she’s calling to tell me to go to hell. It’s the first communication from her in a week. I unlock my phone, but the text says only one word. My heart stops—
Zoo!

I know what that means. Tessa is about to die—today. And Kenzie is honoring her sister’s wish. I grab my keys and text Kenzie that I’m on my way and will meet her there.

This isn’t the way I want to see her again, but I won’t let Tessa down. And this isn’t the time to bring up anything about my relationship with Kenzie. This isn’t about me and her. Today isn’t the day to get into all that, but I know how hard that is going to be. It will crush me not to be able to wrap my arms around her and promise to love her through it.

I beat Kenzie and Zoe to the zoo and buy the tickets, waiting for them at the entrance. It’s a beautiful fall day in Dallas—not a cloud in the sky, a slight chill in the air. There’s a souvenir stand in front, and a little brown bear in a bright pink tutu catches my eye. Zoe will love it. I pay for it and pace back and forth in front of the zoo until I see Kenzie pushing a stroller towards me, her eyes on the ground. She looks beautiful, but I won’t tell her. It would fall on deaf ears, anyway. She sucks at taking a compliment on a good day, so it would bounce right off her today.

Zoe lets out a loud screech, flailing her arms for me. Kenzie stops the stroller, and I reach down and give Zoe my hand and place the bear next to her. “Hey there, Dimples.”

Kenzie’s eyes lift to mine. “Thanks for coming.”

I nod slightly and bend down to take Zoe out of the stroller. I might not be able to carry any of Kenzie’s pain, but I can carry her niece around. That might be the only thing I can do to ease her burden, so I carry Zoe and her new bear the whole afternoon as Kenzie pushes the stroller behind us. Zoe is smiling and giggling, having the best time while her mother is dying. It is exactly what Tessa wanted, but the pain coming off Kenzie is palpable. Sure, she smiles when Zoe looks at her, but I know she is barely holding it together. We don’t say much to each other during the afternoon, but I hope my silent support is enough. I hope she can feel how much I love her.

“Ice cream,” Kenzie says softly. “We can’t forget the ice cream.”

I lift Zoe up high in the air and plant raspberries on her tummy as she laughs. “Vanilla or chocolate?” The baby squeals. “How about both?”

“I’ll get it,” Kenzie says, walking towards a little stand.

I sit down at a table with a brightly colored umbrella and place Zoe on top of it, holding her in front of me. She looks up at the rainbow the umbrella is making, reaching out her little hands like she expects to touch it. Kenzie walks back with a double scoop cone and sits down beside me, so close her body is almost resting on mine. She holds the cone out in front of Zoe, tickling her lips with it. Zoe wrinkles her nose and shakes her head.

“Come on, Zoe,” Kenzie says, her voice cracking. “Just a little bit, for Mommy.”

“Let me try,” I say, taking the cone and holding it up to Kenzie’s lips. She’s holding back a smile, but she takes a huge, dramatic bite to show Zoe, who claps her hands. Then I hold the cone back under the little girl’s mouth, and she falls forward, her whole face landing in the cone. We both bust out laughing. As usual, my body reacts to her laugh, and my heart goes wild in my chest. God, how I’ve missed that sound, so much so that it’s nearly painful when Kenzie pushes her lips together, stopping her laugh.

“It’s alright to laugh, Kenzie,” I say gently. “I think Tessa wanted you to share this with Zoe.”

Her eyes close, resisting, and she says, “I think Zoe likes the chocolate.” Zoe’s face is covered in ice cream, and now she’s got her fingers digging into the scoops. “So Lily came to see me this morning,” Kenzie whispers.

My head whips around. “What?”

“You really didn’t know?”

“Jesus, no,” I say, wiping Zoe’s face. “I’m sorry, Kenzie. I can’t imagine why she’d do that.”

“She told me she wants me to be with you.”

“Shit.” Did Lily honestly think that was going to work? If it does, I owe her big time, but something tells me Kenzie will need more than a visit from my ex. “Just what you wanted I’m sure—a blessing from my ex-wife.”

“Actually, I like her,” Kenzie says as her phone rings.

She pulls it out and steps away. I finish cleaning up Zoe, watching Kenzie’s eyes the whole time. I know the moment she hears her sister is gone because her brown eyes go dull and I can almost see the wall around her heart get thicker. It has to, to block the pain. She isn’t ready to feel it right now. She hangs up the phone and walks over, taking the baby in her arms and resting her head on top of Zoe’s.

“Mommy is gone,” she whispers.

“Ma Ma,” Zoe says happily.

“Mommy went bye-bye, to the angels.”

“Bye-bye,” Zoe says.

“That’s right. Ma Ma, bye-bye.”

That was it for me. No way can I just sit here in silence. Wrapping my arms around my girls, I whisper, “I’ve got you. I’ve got you both.” Surprisingly, Kenzie allows me to hold her. It feels amazing to have her so close, but I hate that it’s under these circumstances. I’m not sure how long we stayed that way, but Zoe eventually starts squirming, forcing me to release them. I take her from Kenzie and head towards the exit of the zoo.

Zoe rests her head on my shoulder, the rhythm of my stride lulling her to sleep. By the time we get to Kenzie’s car, the baby has left a pool of drool on my shirt. I put Zoe in her car seat, snugging her bear next to her, then load the stroller and open the car door for Kenzie. She slips inside, and I kneel down outside the open car door, unsure whether she is alright to drive. There is nothing I can say in this moment—nothing to ease her pain.

She stares down at me but doesn’t say a word. She doesn’t need to. I know she’s scared to death to open her mouth. I know she’s scared she’ll start crying and not be able to stop. I’ve been there—right where she is. She takes my hand and gives it a little squeeze then reaches for her car door. I stand up, and she turns the ignition without taking another look at me.

I won’t leave her. She has to know I’m here. I follow her all the way home, hoping she can feel me there. Hoping she knows I’m there. Hoping she can feel my support—my love pushing her forward.

KENZIE

You know that
feeling you get when there is no name for what you’re feeling? That’s me right now. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to bury my sister. Maybe if I just stay in bed all day, I won’t have to. It’s irrational, I know, but I want to avoid this moment as long as possible. That’s why I called the doctors and specialists over and over again—wanting to avoid this day. I don’t want to face a world without Tessa in it.

I hear a small knock on the door before Michael sticks his head in. He tries to smile at me, but his mouth won’t cooperate. “Baby, you’re still not dressed? Sawyer is downstairs, and the sitter just got here to watch Zoe. It’s time to go.”

For a second, I think I just won’t go. They won’t bury her without me. Michael takes a seat on the bed beside me, his dark navy suit wrinkling up. “Did you sleep at all?” I just shake my head. Zoe slept just fine, so I can’t even blame it on her. Michael lets out a deep breath. “Need you to take care of yourself, kiddo.” He earns a little head nod. “Between your breakup with Kane and Tessa leaving us, I’m worried about you—really worried.”

“I’m fine, Michael.”

“I wish you’d call me dad,” he says. “You used to call me that when you were younger. It would be nice to still hear that from one of my daughters.”

Is he fucking serious? He’s going to lay that on me today! I throw the covers off and hop up out of bed. Michael watches me for a second, but he makes no attempts to leave. “We’re going to be late,” I say, trying to usher him out of the room.

“I need to tell you something,” he says. “Warn you about something.”

“Warn me?” He’s got my full attention now. My sister is dead. What possibly is worse than that?

“Brandon is coming today. He’s very upset and. . . .”

“I don’t give a fuck how upset he is!”

“It was Tessa’s wish that he be allowed to attend,” Michael says. “He’s Zoe’s father, so. . . .”

“Of course
you’d
say that,” I say.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.”

“I know this is hard, Kenzie. But Brandon has the right. . . .”

“Guess you know all about what rights fathers have, since you couldn’t get mine to take me. Not going to make that mistake again, huh?”

“What’re you talking about?” Michael asks.

“I know, okay?” I snap. “I know you never wanted me after Mom died. I know you wanted to give me back to my biological father.”

“I’m not sure why’d you say that. I never even
considered
that.”

I throw my arms up in the air. “Don’t lie. Can we just stop pretending? I heard you. Stop acting like you love me—like you want me. I know you don’t.”

“I don’t know what you thought you heard, but I never. . . .”

“I heard you on the phone just days after Mom died. I heard you ask ‘Can her father take her?’ I assume you were talking to your lawyer. I know you were trying to get rid of me before the dirt on Mom’s grave was even settled.”

Michael lifts his arms, trying to wrap me in his love, but I recoil. “Oh, Kenzie, that’s why you became so distant with me?”

“Pretty normal response when you find out the only father you’ve ever known doesn’t want you.”

His head tilts. “It’s just the opposite, baby girl. I was scared shitless that your father would show up and take you from me.”

My head shakes slightly. That can’t be right. I know what I heard. “No, you were on the phone and. . . .”

“You heard me ask if your father
could
take you,” Michael says, “not that I
wanted
him to take you. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you after losing your mom so suddenly. I was panic-stricken, and I wanted to know my rights. I needed to know if I had a leg to stand on if your biological father showed up.”

My breath catches. Everything I believed my whole life is falling into a pile of rubble. “You wanted me?” I ask, my voice sounding small and weak. I hate it when I sound like this.

Michael steps to me and places both his hands on my shoulders. “Any man would be happy to call you his daughter. It’s been one of the greatest privileges of my life to be your father.”

I melt into his arms. “Daddy.”

*

Looking down at
my black pumps sinking slightly into the ground still damp with morning dew, I decide never to wear them again.

Because these shoes say I’m burying my sister today.

The black casket draped in roses is just feet from me. The sound of sniffles and muffled sobs fill the air. But none of it is sinking in. I can’t absorb one thing the minister says, or one consolation from Tessa’s many friends and family members. I don’t want to hear that Tessa is in a better place—I want her here with me. I don’t want to hear that at least she’s not suffering anymore. What about all the suffering Zoe will experience without her mother around? I don’t want to hear that it will get easier with time. Time has stopped because Tessa was time. She was love. She was joy. She was every minute, every second, every fiber of my soul. She was everything.