Stripped Raw (32 page)

But Kenzie isn’t going to cut him a bit of slack. If Brandon is going to be in Zoe’s life, it is going to be on Kenzie’s terms. Unfortunately, she seems to be second-guessing her own terms.

I take her hand and lead her to the elevator and up to my room. It’s a standard room, and I only brought what would fit in the hotel closet and dresser. Everything else is in storage. I pull out a duffle bag and start throwing a few things in. This is hardly how I envisioned my first time in a hotel room with Kenzie. I’d hoped we’d be on our honeymoon someplace exotic.

“What if he takes her?” Kenzie asks, pacing around the tiny hotel room, panicked.

“Then we’ll have him charged with kidnapping,” I say quickly.

“What if she chokes? Do you think he took infant CPR?”

“Probably not,” I say.

“What if he leaves her alone in the bathtub?”

“I don’t think he’s an idiot.”

“What if she cries?”

“She’s going to cry.”

“What if she gets sick?”

“He’ll call us.”

“What if he puts her to sleep on her tummy?”

“I’ll text him and remind him not to.”

“What if. . . .”

Her questions aren’t bothering me. I know she needs the reassurance, but I can’t take watching her pace around one more second with her ass wiggling. We’ve both apologized for what happened, so I guess we’ve made up, but it won’t feel like it until her lips are on mine, until my arms are around her, until she tells me she still loves me. Without warning, I spin her around and pull her to me—hard. Our lips close, I can feel the warmth of her mouth calling for me. The specks of gold in her brown eyes are alive with light, and she wets her lips, waiting for me. I waste no more time, crashing my mouth into hers, parting her soft lips, and caressing her tongue with mine.

My fingers tangle in her hair as I pull her tighter and a low moan escapes. She kisses my lips gently a few times as we pull apart. Her smile reaches her eyes, holding the promise of a new beginning.

“I can’t believe you didn’t just give up on me. I love you so much.”

For the first time since finding those blue shoes outside of my daughter’s nursery, my chest relaxes, and my gut untwists. “I thought I might not ever hear those words from you again.”

“I promised I wouldn’t leave you,” she says. “And we promised love without regrets. But I already have regrets. . . .”

“No regrets,” I say. “Regrets are forever. They’re the things we punish ourselves for over and over again. Like Brandon will have over leaving Tessa. Like I have over not recognizing what was going on with Lily. Regret is the ultimate sadistic mind fuck. So no regrets for us.”

“Okay, no regrets.” She kisses me tenderly on the lips. “Do you think Zoe’s alright?”

“I think she’s fine, but I know you want to get back,” I say, walking into the bathroom. “Just let me get a few things.” I hear Kenzie say something, but I can’t make it out, so I stick my head out of the bathroom. “What?”

She looks me right in the eye. “Pack everything.” I step all the way out of the bathroom, giving her my full attention. “The plan was for us to live together. You weren’t supposed to have your own place. Move in with me?” She’s lost her mind if she thinks I’m going for that. I step around her and open up a dresser drawer. “Did you hear me?” she asks.

I move some things around in the drawer. “I heard you.”

“Well?”

“The plan was never for us to shack up.” I turn around and drop to one knee, holding up her engagement ring. God, I hope she doesn’t turn me down again. “The plan was for you to marry me.”

Kenzie falls to her knees in front of me. “Yes.” She holds out her hand for me to slip the ring on. “Kane?”

Shaking my head, I think I’m in shock. “You said yes!” I laugh in disbelief and slip the ring on her finger. “I thought I’d have to buy you a dozen more pair of shoes.”

She laughs out loud, reaching for her phone. “I’ve got to call. . . .” She gasps and covers her face with her hands.

In her happiness, she’s forgotten her sister is gone. I wrap my arms around her and run my fingers through her hair. “Hey, Tessa,” I whisper. Kenzie’s eyes shoot open. “I finally got your stubborn sister to say
yes
. Maybe it was you with a little divine intervention.” I nudge Kenzie, but she shakes her head. “Kenzie’s not ready to talk right now. I think she’s afraid she’ll start crying and not be able to stop.” Kenzie clings tighter to my chest. “Zoe’s doing just fine and don’t worry about the whole Brandon thing. We’ll work it all out. We’ll do what’s best for Zoe.” I look down for a second. “How’s my Zoe? I hope you found her. I hope you’re holding her.”

KENZIE

“I don’t know
why I agreed to this,” I say to myself as I pick up some of Zoe’s toys off the floor. Brandon has seen Zoe every day for the past several days, but tonight he took her to his place—to sleep over. I’m not sure either one of us will make it through the night. Brandon is good with Zoe, I have to admit that. He’s come a long way in a short amount of time, but I still believe that Zoe belongs with me, and he still believes that Zoe belongs with him. And poor Kane is doing everything in his power to mediate the two of us, not wanting the situation to become any more explosive.

I pull out my engagement ring from my pocket and slip it back on. I take it off whenever Brandon is around. I don’t want him to think that Kane and I are getting married as any sort of custody ploy. Zoe being out of my sight isn’t sitting well with me. I need to be close to her. It keeps me close to Tessa. Heading upstairs, I stand outside Tessa’s bedroom, my hand on the knob. No one has entered that room since Tessa died.

“Kenzie,” Kane says from behind me, startling me a little.

“Think I’ll start going through her things.”

“Tonight?” he asks. “I know you want to distract yourself, but I’m not sure that this is the best idea—tonight.”

“Just give me a few minutes alone in there first.”

His hand slips to my waist, angling me to him. “Kenzie, walking into my baby’s nursery after I lost her was difficult. I really think you should wait a day or two longer.”

But I don’t listen. Instead, I turn the knob, feeling Kane’s hand slip off my waist as I step over the threshold. I know he’s still there, but he’s doing as I asked and giving me a few minutes alone. The air feels stale, sending goose bumps over my arms. But I am surrounded by my sister—her scent circles around me. I want to wrap myself in this feeling and stay here forever. I step towards her bed and freeze. “Kane!”

He’s by my side instantly, and I point down to her bed, at a notebook propped up on her pillow. I remember her writing in it the last time I saw her. She must have asked Michael to put it there. It’s for me—the last thing Tessa will ever give to me. “It’s from Tessa. It was just sitting there.”

“Did you open it?” Kane asks, and I shake my head. “Do you want me to read it?”

“Would you?”

Kane gently picks it up and opens it. He takes my hand, sitting down on the bed with me as he begins reading to me the last words I will ever hear from my sister.

Kenz, you better have those damn proposal shoes on your feet by now, or I’m going to haunt you.

I look over Kane’s arm, trying to see the sheet of paper. “She did not start off her goodbye to me that way.” Kane flips the page towards me, showing me that is exactly how Tessa started it then continues reading it.

I love you, Kenzie. You are the sister that Sawyer never was.

I bust out laughing. “What the hell kind of letter is this?”

“It’s typical Tessa,” he laughs then keeps reading.

I wish I was as good a sister to you as you have been to me, but I don’t think I have been. Seeing you these past few months with Kane, I realize that’s what I want for you. I want you to wear those shoes and marry him. I hope you’ll tell me all about it. The juicy sex details, too. Especially those.

I look over his arm at the letter again and roll my eyes at my sister.

I want you to know that you were the great love of my life, little sister. You and Zoe! My soulmates. The true loves of my life.

I can feel the tears rising up in my body, like I am a vessel about to overflow. As soon as the water reaches my eyes, it will have nowhere to go, no choice but to weep out.

I want you to make Kenzie Lingerie into everything you want it to be. I want you to live, Kenzie. Live for me. Do all the things I never will be able to do. I want you to have lots and lots of babies with that hunk of man candy of yours.

I bust out laughing, hearing Kane read the words
hunk of man candy
.

Let him love you, Kenzie. I know it scares you, but you’ve never let fear get in your way before. I guess by now you know Brandon has been back in my life. I couldn’t help it, Kenzie. The moment I saw you and Kane together, I knew.

Kane pauses, his eyes darting to mine.

I knew I couldn’t give custody of Zoe to you.

“Oh, God,” I cry out, grabbing the letter from Kane and continuing reading myself.

Please don’t be mad at me, sis. I tried so many times to talk to you about Brandon—about all this, but you just shut me down. I was too weak to fight you. I’m not as strong as you are. Understand that I want you to have your own life, not be strapped down to mine. I know you love Zoe, and I know you don’t feel that way about taking care of her, but I don’t want that for my baby sister. Let Brandon raise her. Help ease Zoe into his life. He needs that. It will help him heal. It will help him right a wrong. And knowing Zoe is with her father will make me happy. And it will make me happy knowing you are living your own life. I know what your father abandoning you did to you—how it affected you. I don’t want that for Zoe. I don’t want her to grow up feeling abandoned and unwanted. I know you don’t want that, either. You need to let me go, and that means letting go of the last piece of me—Zoe.

I lower my shaking arm. My chest constricts, and my breathing speeds up as a rush of tears come out. I was wrong. It’s not a weeping. It’s an avalanche. I hop up and pace around, frantic—trying to outrun my tears. “I can’t take this pain, Kane. It’s too much. It’s too real.”

Kane gets to his feet, wrapping me in his arms. “You need time, Kenzie. Trust me, I know.”

“Time won’t erase this ache. Tessa is all around me, lingering. I’ll never get over losing her.” The tears are dropping onto my shirt, my arms, the floor. Kane just holds me tighter, but I struggle to get loose. “No,” I say. “Everyone needs me to be strong. That’s what I do—who I am.”

“Stop fighting the pain, baby. You have to feel it.”

I become aware of my heart beating in my chest, every sense around me heightened. I push away from him and struggle to dry my face. “I don’t want you to see me like this.”

“Kenzie, when are you going to learn that I’m strong enough to handle your pain, your anger? That I’m stubborn enough to stick around when you push me away, and that I love you enough to forget all about my pride?”

“You can’t say things like that to me right now,” I cry at him. “I’m trying to pull myself together.”

“That’s what I’m telling you. Don’t pull yourself together. At least not for me.” He takes me by the shoulders. “Don’t you know how much I love seeing you come undone? Whether it’s laughing so easily, or crying uncontrollably, or coming with passion.”

My trembling stops, my heart settles. “You love me like this?”

“I prefer the laughing or the coming,” he smirks. “But, yeah, I love you in your pain, too.”

“How can you love this? This. . . .” I toss my arms up. “This shit.”

He just shrugs. “I love your shit.” I feel myself smile slightly. “I love your crazy shit, your ugly shit, your angry shit. I love it all.”

Tessa was wrong this time. True love isn’t a man who can handle your piss. It’s a man who can handle your shit. I collapse into his arms and, for the first time ever, let myself totally go—all my walls caving in. “Tessa’s gone, and Zoe’s gone.”

“But I won’t leave you alone,” Kane whispers.

*

KANE

Kenzie’s head is
buried in my chest, her fist tightly wound in my shirt. We’ve talked for hours about how to handle this, and in the end, there’s no way Kenzie will deny her sister’s wishes. But that doesn’t make the pain any easier to handle. I can feel her body still shaking slightly as she continues to cry. Impossible to believe that this is the first time I’ve seen her cry in all these months. Sure, I’ve seen her on the verge of tears before, but she’s always held it in—contained it. It’s taken me a long time to strip away all her layers, to get to the raw, true woman underneath—for her to be able to be physically and emotionally naked with me. But she’s finally let go and trusted me enough to let me be with her through it. We’ve both learned that true strength comes in vulnerability. And only in being vulnerable can you find true love.

That’s the thing about love. Anyone can love you when you’re young, beautiful, and life is perfect. But true love is loving someone in their shit. When you can love the dark, ugly parts of someone—that’s real love. When you can watch them be stripped to the bones, and build them back up—that’s love. Sure, rainbows and butterflies are nice, and I know Kenzie and I will have a lot of those times. But I don’t think she’d ever really trust my love for her until I saw her like this, until she knew for certain that I loved her in her dark and ugly sadness and anger.