stupid is forever (2 page)

Many senators like to deliver speeches in the
Senate — namely, privilege speeches, sponsorship
speeches, speeches of commendation. They speak
for hundreds of minutes and the visitors in the
gallery are able to detect only one argument.

Someone working in the presidential staff in
Malacañang loves to appear on TV, looking very
much like a female llama surprised in her bath.

Celebrities who act as poster boys for stem cell treatment
are bound to lose the temporary youthful look and then
each one becomes a triumph of the embalmer’s art.

On her Magsaysay Award for Government Service:
Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by
pygmies. Here are guidelines for bureaucrats:
When in charge, ponder.

When in trouble, delegate.

When in doubt, mumble.

Of the crime of plunder:
Nothing is politically
right which is morally wrong.

Of the social event known as State of the Nation Address:
Some women wear too much makeup and
some women wear too little clothes.

A politician is a man who will double cross
that bridge when he comes to it.

As Galbraith said, there are times in politics
when you must be on the right side and lose.

Plato was so right: the price of apathy toward
public affairs is to be ruled by evil men.

In a corrupt country, if you want to succeed in politics,
you must keep your conscience under control.

The members of Congress are the people who
will support the President when he is wrong.

"You’re the reason God created the middle finger."

A statesman is a politician who places himself at the
service of the nation. A politician is a statesman who
places the nation at his service. In the Philippines,
another name for politician is plunder genius.

There are no true friends in politics. Someone
said that we are all sharks circling, and waiting
for traces of blood to appear in the water.

Of her political enemy always angling for a government
job:
If left out he would be dangerous, but if
taken in, he would simply be destructive.

Of a wishy-washy politician:
When in doubt on what
should be done, his policy is to do nothing.

There are politicians who, when they were in power, were
rubbish and arrogant. Now that these politicians have
st their jobs, there is nothing as abject and pathetic
they are. They remind me of a retired stud horse.

According to Mencken, the whole aim of practical
politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence

clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an
endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

Ang pulitiko, para sumikat, ay tinatakot muna ang taong-
bayan na may malaking problema, kagaya ng kidnap for
ransom. Pagkatapos nagpapanggap na siya lang ang may
kakayahan na lumutas ng problema. Ang totoo, siya
pala ang may hawak ng mga kidnappers. Ang galing!

Some politicians get elected because they are well known.
The other politicians are defeated for the same reason.

In any Congress, out of
IOO
people,
2
are honest and
Intelligent,
IO
are criminals, and
88
are good for nothing.

Is there a good politician? Is there an honest burglar?

In any country, crooks make money by
underestimating the intelligence of the masses.

I sponsored and defended the Reproductive Health
Law, although I am a Catholic. In the Catholic church,
a woman to avoid pregnancy is allowed to resort to
mathematics. Thank God, now Catholic women
are allowed to resort to physics and chemistry!

Of her political enemy:
He has all the characteristics
of an ambitious politician: a horrible voice,
bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.

During any commencement exercise, I always know
the graduate who will succeed. He is the person who
knows nothing and thinks he has everything. This
graduate will become a successful politician.

There was a time when a circus did not consist of
trained animal performers and acrobatic shows, but
of freaks and monstrosities. One of them was called
"the boneless wonder.” They are now in politics.

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I’m so jealous that you finally found your true love.

Unfortunately, they haven’t legalized self-marriage yet.

People are entitled to change their minds. But
when politicians do so, they always explain it
in terms of incomprehensible principles.

In Philippine politics, I know many men and
women who are able to rise above principles.

When I listen to the defensive language of those
accused of plunder, I marvel that they can make
lies sound truthful, plunder respectable, and
give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.

Then people say that politics is the art of the possible,
they mean the art of speculation, calculation,
intrigue, secret deals, and pragmatic maneuvering.

Members of Congress are eager to participate and be
televised during public hearings, which are more like
police investigations conducted by a scatterbrained
investigator. The honorable men and women of
Congress like to take things apart. Unfortunately,
hey have no clue on how to put them back together.

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Let me quote the epigram that the purification
of politics is an iridescent dream.

Every time the President fills a vacant office, he
makes a hundred malcontents and one ingrate.

Democracy is a wonderful system. It permits
you to vote for a politician, and then to watch
on TV as he is tried for plunder and graft.

The people charged with plunder have
a sickness called spendicitis.

Many politicians refuse to answer media questions,
on the ground that it might eliminate them.

I try to give the politicians in the Senate facts,
and then they draw their own confusions.

The Napoles scandal showed that some politicians
are the same all over the country. They promise
to build bridges where there are no rivers.

When you watch every politician answer questions
from the media, you realize that a politician
approaches every subject with an open mouth.

I know a politician who is so windy that he can give
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation by telephone.

The trouble with my enemies is that too many of them
received an honorary degree from an elementary school

Politicians are fond of saying "we.” The only
people entitled to use "we” are monarchs,
editorial writers, and pregnant women.

"Let’s switch places:you be funny and I’ll be an asshole. ”

In spite of its great accomplishments in modern times,
science has not yet discovered adequate controls for
a number of national phenomena, including climate
change, storm surge, tsunamis, and politicians.

Darwin’s theory of evolution suggests that first came the
baboon, and then man. Politics proves that Darwin is
wrong, and that first came man, and then the baboon.

A political candidate once said that he would
rather be right than be president. But the
Constitution provides that you can be both.

As Theodore Roosevelt said, the most practical
kind of politics is the politics of decency.

Two political candidates were engaged in a heated debate
Candidate I: What about the powerful
interests that control you?

Candidate 2: You leave my wife out of this!

I love this definition from Ambrose Bierce. A politician
is an eel in the fundamental mud, upon which the
superstructure of organized society is reared. When
he wriggles, he mistakes the agitation of his tail for
the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the
statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.

To call a Filipino politician a mediocre
man is unwanted flattery. Many politicians
are men of monumental littleness.

All professionals in our country need to pass a
government exam. Only a politician does not
need any kind of preparation to practice.

The politician is my shepherd, I’m in want,

He makes me to lie down on park benches
He leads me beside the still factories.

He disturbs my soul.

Yes, though I walk through the valley of the shadow
of depression and recession,

I anticipate no recovery, for he is with me.

He prepares a reduction in my salary in the presence
of my enemies,

He anointed my small income with great losses.

My expenses alarmingly run over.

Surely unemployment and poverty shall follow me all
the days of my life

And I shall dwell in a mortgaged home forever.