stupid is forever (8 page)

After a hard day’s work, it’s great to come home and
have someone to yell at, at the top of my lungs.

I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t commit
adultery. I only tell lies to my husband.

When I got married, I noticed immediately that there
seems to be a rivalry between the egos of two people.
So, if you just kill your ego, there’s no problem.
To fight with someone who’s going to be with you
for the rest of your life is so counterproductive.

So I just said to my husband on our honeymoon,
"I’ll go my way, and you’ll go my way.”

There is a recent study that more than 60 percent
of married men in Metro Manila are unfaithful
to their wives. This is because the remaining 40
percent bring their mistresses to the provinces.

Scientists have discovered a food that
diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90 percent.
Ang tawag doon ay wedding cake.

Five tips for a happy man’s life:

Have a girl to help you at work.

Have a girl to take care of you & love you.
Have a girl who can make you laugh.
Have a girl who spoils you.

Lastly, and most importantly,
Siguraduhin na hindi magkakakilala
ang apat na babaeng iyon.

A couple is lying in bed.

The man says: "Right now, for this Women’s Day, I am
going to make you the happiest woman in the world!’’
The woman says: "Oh dear, I will miss you!”

Marriages are made in heaven. But then
again, so are thunder and lightning.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a
coin—they can’t face each other but they still stay together

Marriage is when a man and a woman become as one.
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about something she said. After marriage,
he will fall asleep before she finishes talking.

They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before
marriage, that is love. After marriage, that is self-defense

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore,
marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence—a life sentence.

Husband: Love, may taning na ang buhay ko.

Huling gabi ko na ’to, let’s make love.
Wife: Heh, tumigil ka nga! Maaga pa akong
gigising bukas, buti ikaw, hindi na!

Husband: Parati na lang tayo nag-
aaway! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!

Wife: Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!
Husband: Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!
Wife: 'Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!

Ano sa Tagalog ang: "Eat All You Can,
don’t be shy, feel at home!”

Sagot: "Kain lang kayo ng kain, walang hiya
kayo, pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo to!”

Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa:

Advantage: Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad.
Disadvantage: Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan pa rin!

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the
wrong finger?” The other woman replied,
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”

Marriage: a community consisting of a master, a
mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

When the husband says, "Ako ang tigas sa amin.”
He really means: "Ako ang tigas- saing ng kanin,
tigas-sampay ng labada, tigas-sama sa palengke,
at tigas-sundo sa eskwela ng mga bata.”

When the husband says: "Gagawin ko kahit
ayaw ng Misis ko.” He really means, '"Gagawin
kong maghugas ng pinggan kung ayaw niya,
gagawin kong maglaba kung ayaw niya.”

When the husband says, "Kapag sinabi kong hiwalay,
HIWALAY! ” He really means, "Hiniwalay ko na ang
puti sa de-kolor at baka kumupas ang labada.”

When the husband says, "Lahat ng utos ko ay pasigaw.
He really means, "Hoy, pakibilisan mo naman iyang
kape, please, at giniginaw na ako dito sa labahan!”

Adik sa droga: Payag ka na bang magpakasal sa akin?
Babae: Oo, pero ok lang ba sa iyo
kung meron akong past?

Adik: Ok lang, wala naman akong future eh!

Wife: Ibili mo naman ako ng bagong bra.
Husband: 'Wag ka na mag-bra, maliit
naman boobs mo, eh.

Wife: Eh, bakit ikaw, nagbi-brief?

Husband says: When I’m gone you’ll never find
another man like me. Wife replied: What makes
you think I’d want another man like you?!

Wife: My husband and I have what he calls Olympic sex.
Friend: Wow, you must be having a terrific sex life!
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.

May isang husband na proud na proud na may anim na
anak silang mag-asawa. Sobrang proud siya na ang laging tawag niya sa wife niya ay "Mother of Six.” Pero nai-
inis ang wife niya tuwing sasabihin ito ng husband niya.
Nang minsan pagkatapos nilang kumain sa isang
mataong restaurant, malakas na sinabi ng husband
sa wife niya, "Umuwi na tayo, Mother of Six!”
Sumagot din nang malakas ang wife,

"Sige, tayo na, Father of Four!”

1 0 4

My management style? Spiritual fortitude,
intellectual scholarship, and, (smiling) if all else
fails, physical violence might prove salutary.
(After winning the Magsaysay Award for government service.)

They were not only rebellious, they were malicious
to boot. Naturally I got mad, but I restrained
myself. No, I did not throw a chair at my
employees. (Laughing) The accurate statement
is that I may have rearranged the furniture.
(After scolding a few government employees who declared their
intention to have her removed as Immigration Commissioner.)

I’m very results-oriented, and I do have a kamikaze
attitude. I don’t care if I go down in flames, as long
as my enemies and I go down in flames together. Or
maybe you can call it the Samson-in-the-temple
syndrome. I don’t care if I destroy myself, as long as
I destroy the temple of corruption. That would be a
definite service to the community, don’t you think?

(In a magazine cover story.)

I’m surprised the photographer used that shot. He
and I had an agreement that he would take shots
of me swimming in the pool. I followed all his
instructions, exactly as if I were a trained dolphin.
(Explaining the publication in a major newspaper of
her controversial photo in a bathing suit.)

Nandiyan na ’yan, kasama sa trabaho. Siguro
mabuti na ngang lumabas ’yung litratong yon,
dahil diyan mapapatunayan na pag sinabi ko ang
vital statistics ko, totoo! Patunay na hindi ako
sinungaling, hindi kamukha ng mga kalaban ko!
(Laughing at the same photo.)

I always put myself in harm’s way because
that is where I am most effective.

Every Filipino dreams in his heart of doing a great,
magnificent selfless act of sacrifice for the country.
In my case, I tried for President and I failed. Maybe,
my best service to the country would be if one working
day I strap myself with grenades and just hurl myself
bodily onto the center of the Senate Session Hall.

My favorite poetess is Emily Dickinson. She
was a recluse. I’d love to be a recluse , but I
have to be famous before I become a recluse.
Otherwise, I’d simply be called Anonymous.

Public opinion is untrustworthy. It is also merciless,
pitiless. I am never allowed to have an off day. When
I speak, I must always be brilliant. I can never have a
day when I can sound dumb like everybody else.

Excuse me, I’m not a blushing bride. I’m a veteran wife.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am the UP graduate
who has, in a modest way, focused national attention
on the political malady known as logopaedics,
the branch of medicine that deals with speech
disabilities and their treatment. Kasi ang ibang tao
sa impeachment trial, hindi marunong magsabi ng
totoo, kaya binibigyan ko sila ng speech therapy.
(Commencement speech before the U.P. College of Medicine graduates
on 20 May 2012 at the U.P. Theater in Diliman campus.)