stupid is forever (6 page)

pulitiko. "Ano po iyon, Father?” tanong ng pulitiko.
Ang sabi ng pari, "ito ang sukli mo, 99 pesos.”

What we are seeing is an epidemic of people in high
government office who possess the epidermis of
pachyderms and intestinal fortitude of anacondas.
(On recent corruption scandals in government.)

May tatlong doktor, pinag-uusapan kung anong
pasyente ang pinakamadaling operahan.

Sabi ng una: "Electricians! Everything
inside them is color-coded.”

Sabi ng pangalawang doktor: "Librarians! Everything
inside them is in alphabetical order.”

Sabi ng pangatlo: "Pulitiko ang pinakamadali! They
have no brains, no guts, no hearts, and no balls.”

67

The purpose of a teacher is to teach,
not teaching to flunk a class.

The paradigmatic teacher is one who
inspires you to read on your own.

Question: Anong sinabi ni Papaya nu’ng
tumingin sa kanya si Pineapple?
Answer: Oy ikaw, anong tinitingin, tingin,
tingin, tingin, tingin, tingin mo diyan?

Good news: Wala ka nang pimples!

Bad news: Dahil wala nang space.

Question: Do you know what the word "floral” means?
Answer: "Floral” is the opposite of "singular. ”

Question: What is the singular form
of the word "binoculars”?
Answer: Telescope.

Question: What is the plural form of iced tea?
Answer: Bottomless iced tea.

Question: What is the plural form of rice?
Answer: Extra rice.

Paano mo sasabihin sa kausap mo na maitim ang
kili-kili niya nang hindi siya magagalit?
Ganito: Ano ba ang ginagamit mong
deodorant, Kiwi shoe polish?

Hindi lahat ng sweet ay loyal sa’yo.
Tandaan, sweet nga ang candy, pero
nakabalot naman sa plastic.

Question: Paano mo sasabihin sa isang babae
na mataba siya na hindi siya mababastos?
Answer: Excuse me miss, Mang Tomas ba ang lotion m

Ang homework ay parang panliligaw. Sa bahay
dapat ginagawa, hindi sa paaralan.

Do you want a job where you get to travel a lot
and have lots of money in your hands?
Pwede kang konduktor ng bus.

Condolence nga pala...

Sa mga taong patay na patay sa akin.

Alam niyo ba kung bakit laging busy
ang magaganda at mga guwapo?
Explain ko sa inyo mamaya. Busy pa ako e.

Pedro: Gusto kong maging nurse
para makatulong sa kapwa.

Jose: Ako, gusto kong maging doktor,
para makapanggamot ng kapwa.

Kiko: Ako mayor, para mapagsilbihan ko ang kapwa ko.
Maria: Gusto kong maging presidente para
mapaglingkuran ko ang aking kapwa.

Juan Tamad: Ako naman, gusto kong maging kapwa.

Teacher: Class, anong gusto niyong maging paglaki niyo?
Juan: Gusto kong maging piloto.

Nena: Gusto kong maging teacher.

Maria: Gusto kong maging mabuting ina.

Pedro: Gusto kong gawing ina si Maria.

A true teacher does not terrorize ignorant
students, because a true teacher knows
that it is his job to cure ignorance.

Alam niyo ba ang alamat ng baboy? Minsan sa
sobrang galit ko, sinuntok ko sa ilong ang isang
elepante. Hindi na lumaki ang mga anak nya. Sa
kanya nag-umpisa ang kauna-unahang baboy.

Student: Ma’am, kamusta po ang grades ko?
Professor : Aba, iha, kasing-ganda ng buhok mo!
Parang bagong rebond. Bagsak na bagksak!

Political correctness for teenage students:

No one fails a class anymore; they’re
merely "passing impaired.”

You don’t have detention; you’re just
one of the "exit delayed.”

Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s
just "passage restrictive.”

These days, a student isn’t lazy; he’s
"energetically declined.”

Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk;

it’s just "closure prohibitive.”

Kids don’t get grounded anymore; they
merely hit "social speedbumps.”

Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having
an "out-of-notebook experience.”

You’re not sleeping in class; you’re
"rationing consciousness.”

You’re not late; you just have a "rescheduled arrival time

What not to say as a teacher:

Sa isang examination

Student: Ma’am, puwedeng gumamit ng liquid paper?
Teacher: Ang kulit naman! Sinabi
nang pad paper lang eh.

Pagkatapos ng examination

Teacher: Okay, time is up. One, two,
three. Come your papers to me!

Pagkatapos ng klase

Teacher to students: Okay class, it’s time to go
home. Form a line and pass out slowly.

Wrong word usages

Laity
— Hometown ni Imelda Marcos ang laity.

Mention
— Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang mention.

Punctuation
— Sabi ng isang bata,

"Daddy, pasukan na next week.

Kailangan ko po ng punctuation.”

Tenacious
— Before playing tennis
I
have to put on my tenacious.

Curtain and Kitchen
— Aray! Huwag
mo kong curtain. Masa-kitchen.

Subukan natin ang talino ninyo. Use the word
"ANYONE” in a sentence. Answer: "Nasaan
na kayo? Bakit niyo ako ANYONE?”

I heard one of the questions in the last bar exams
went like this: Should Santa Claus be considered a
criminal? The answer is yes. He is liable for crimes
such as illegal surveillance, unfair labor practices,
animal abuse, and breaking and entering.

Law school is quite easy. It’s like a stroll
in a park. Pero Jurassic Park.

Ano ang sabi ng anak na caterpillar sa tatay caterpillar?
'’Tay, bilhan mo ako ng sapatos!”

Sumagot ang tatay caterpillar:

"Sipain kita d’yan e!”

Paano mo sasabihin sa classmate mo na bungi-
bungi ang ngipin niya nang hindi siya magagalit?
Ganito: Wow, classmate, ang ganda naman ng ngipin
mo! Para silang nag-eexam, one seat apart!

Boss: Why do you think we should hire you?
John: Kasi po bago pa lang po ako

kaya wala pa po akong sungay.

Boss:    In English, please.

John: Ah, uhm, well you see I’m brand
new so I’m not yet horny.

Teacher:    Use the word "beautiful” in a sentence.

Student:    "'My teacher is beautiful, isn’t she?”

Teacher:    Thank you, it’s very flattering.

Now, translate it in Tagalog.

Student: "Ang guro ko ay maganda, maganda nga ba?’

Gardo:    Pedro, nahirapan ka ba sa questions sa exam?

Pedro:    Hindi naman!

Cardo: Ang galing mo naman!

Pedro:    Nahirapan ako sa answers!

75

Stupid is Forever

Teacher: Ano ang similarity nina Jose Rizal,
Andres Bonifacio, at Ninoy Aquino?

Student: Lahat sila, namatay ng holiday!

Madaling magkasakit ang mga sexy; ang mga crush
ng bayan; ang ma-appeal at henyo; ang kind,
thoughtful, smart, sweet, and malakas ang karisma.
Bigla yatang sumama ng pakiramdam ko, ah.

Hindi lahat ng nananalo ay magagaling
dahil may nandadaya.

Hindi lahat ng matalino ay mataas ang
grades dahil may nangongopya.
Hindi lahat ng artista ay sexy dahil di
naman ako artista, sexy lang talaga.

Gaano katalino ang estudyanteng Pilipino?
Common sense pa lang nila, IQ na ng ibang senator.

8o