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“Oh, so it’s a competition is it?”

“Yup, and so far, I’m totally winning.” I scoffed.

“Yeah, so far. But I’m pretty sure I can beat you.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

She heaved a little sigh.

“I miss you. Even though you’re on the other end of the phone. I wish you were like, sitting next to me. Could you sneak out? That would earn you some romance points.” I chewed my lip. I mean, hypothetically I could. Dad was knee-deep in work and left me to my own devices.

“But how would I sneak in if your parents have an alarm system?”

I could hear the smile in her voice.

“I go to bed after they do. I’m the one who sets it.”

I sat up.

“Are you serious right now?”

“Why not?”

I opened my mouth to argue.

“I don’t know,” I said and got up. “Give me twenty minutes.”

I
didn’t think she’d actually do it. I totally expected a text saying
nevermind
, but then my parents went to bed and I didn’t set the alarm and went to my room to wait. Fortunately, my house was a ranch style, so my bedroom was on the first floor. Although, if I’d been on the second floor, it might have been interesting to see her try to get up there. I imagined a trellis would somehow be involved.

But then, almost exactly twenty minutes later, there was a soft tap at my window.

I skipped over and pushed it up, finding a smiling Stella on the other side.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” she whispered as I helped her scramble through the window and into my room.

“I can’t believe it either,” I said, not letting go of her. She stepped forward.

“So do I get romance points?” she asked, a smirk on her face.

“Definitely,” I said, giving her a kiss. She laughed and we tumbled onto my bed together, tangling our limbs. Her hair was still a little damp from her shower earlier.

“This was such a good idea,” I said as she kissed me with desperation. I kissed her back just as hard, both hands fumbling with her clothes. She just had a sweatshirt on with a pair of yoga pants and they were both driving me crazy.

“Such a good idea,” she said, just before she drove her tongue into my mouth. I moaned and she somehow flipped us so she was on top and I was flat on my back. Her fingers tangled in mine, raising them over my head.

“Fuck, Stella.” She pulled back only to bite my bottom lip and laugh.

“I love it when you say that. It turns me on so much I feel like I’m going to die.”

“You saying that turns me on so much I feel like I’m going to die,” I said as she looked down at me, her hair falling. I wanted to push it out of her eyes, but my hands were already occupied.

“I should have put my hair up,” she said, sitting up and letting go of my hands so she could pull a hair tie off her wrist and put her hair back in a ponytail.

“I’ll remember that for next time,” she said before she attacked my mouth again. She stole my breath and made my bones turn to warm caramel and I’d never felt anything so good. I tried to pull her closer, but I couldn’t get her close enough. My glasses were smashed to my face but I didn’t want to take them off because then she’d be all blurry.

“More. I want more,” I said into her mouth and she laughed.

“Are you sure?” she said, looking down at me with swollen lips.

“Yes,” I said, the word more breath than substance. Stella cupped my face with both hands and kissed my forehead. Instead of ramping up, she slowed us down, laying kisses across my entire face until I was trembling under her, my fingers digging into her sides. She didn’t seem to mind. Or notice.

Her lips skipped over my jaw. I made a sound of frustration and she smiled against my skin and just barely kissed my chin.

“You said you wanted more. I’m giving you more, babe.” I took a deep breath as she moved further down. To my neck where the skin was sensitive and her kisses made me see stars.

My blood pounded in my ears as she reached the neck of my t-shirt and pulled it down just enough so she could kiss the top of my collarbone. A breath hissed through my lips.

I wanted her to take my shirt off. I wanted her to take everything off and I wanted to take her clothes off and do everything, but a very quiet voice in the back of my head said that wouldn’t be a good idea.

Not yet.

Not tonight.

So I shifted under her so she’d look up.

“My turn,” I said, crossing my legs around hers and rolling us over again. She squealed a little, but the change in position was definitely nice.

“Oh, I like this,” I said, looking down at her, laid out on my bed.

“God, you’re beautiful.” The only light in my room was moonlight that spilled in through the window and it lit up her hair and made her eyes look mysterious.

“Thank you. You’re beautiful too, Kyle.” I sighed.

“We can argue about who’s prettier, or you can let me kiss you.”

“Fair point.” I laughed as I kissed her forehead and gave her the same treatment she gave me. She held onto my arms as if holding on for dear life and she unconsciously thrust her hips into mine.

I was going to lose my mind.

We were both completely clothed, but I was so fucking close to coming that I didn’t know what to do.

I tried to focus on kissing Stella. Doing whatever I could to get her to make those little whimpering sounds in her throat. I was gentle, because neither of us needed a hickey because then there would be questions. We didn’t need questions.

I tasted the underside of her jaw and the pulse on her neck and the hollow of her throat. It was good. It was all good.

So much different than any of the times I’d kissed a boy. I didn’t even know what those had been, but this was something else entirely. I was never, ever, going to kiss a boy again. Like ever.

I stopped kissing her, just so I could watch her.

“What are you doing?” she asked, looking up at me.

“Watching you. I don’t get to do it that often when I won’t get caught. Or when it’s okay.” I ran one finger from her forehead, down her nose and to her chin, down her neck and stopped just at the top of her sweatshirt.

I could tell she wasn’t wearing a bra and I wanted so much to shove my hands under her shirt and feel them. Feel her nipples against my palms.

“Kyle?” she asked. I had been very obviously staring at her chest.

“I was just thinking about touching you. Here.” I skipped my hands over her boobs and she arched up into me.

“I want you to,” she said, her words uneven.

“I think . . .  I think we should slow down.” The words sliced me to say, but I knew that we were very close to stepping over the edge.

“I know you’re right, but I seriously hate you right now. I’m not getting to sleep anytime soon.” Me neither.

I climbed off her and sat on one side of my bed, with her on the other. We were both still breathing hard.

“How did you get here?” I asked. Probably a little belated.

“Drove my car without the headlights until I got far enough from the house. And I parked a few houses down so your parents wouldn’t get suspicious. I think we’re fine,” she said, taking down her ponytail that had gotten a little messed up, and combing through her hair with her fingers.

“I was thinking what we’d say if we got caught. And then I decided we just shouldn’t get caught,” I said.

“Solid plan.” The air between us cooled a little, which was probably a good thing. I still could barely think of anything other than her, but at least now I was keeping my hands to myself.

“So this is your room,” she said, looking around. It was small, but cozy. I’d done what I could with the space and fixed up furniture from yard sales and discount stores.

“This is where the magic happens. And by magic, I mean me and my hand. Sometimes both hands.” She snorted and rolled her eyes.

“Perv.” I gave her a look.

“You can’t tell me you don’t.”

She fiddled with her hair.

“No, I do. Doesn’t everyone?” Pretty sure. Unless they were too uptight or something.

“We probably shouldn’t talk about that right now anyway,” I said and she nodded.

“You okay?”

She sucked on her bottom lip.

“I’ve just been thinking about . . .  about next year and college and how all of my plans basically went out the window. Thanks a lot, asshole.” She found a shoe on my floor and chucked it at me. I caught it and tossed it back on the floor.

“Why is it my fault? What did I do? She rolled her eyes.

“You’re irresistible.” I tried to hide a smile.

“I’m sorry?”

“You should be. Asshole.” She got up and came to sit next to me again. I put my arm around her shoulders and she leaned into me.

“I don’t like that I can’t see you whenever I want. That we can’t just do this without hiding,” she said. I rubbed her shoulder because I didn’t have a good answer.

“Well, Grace took things really well. Maybe you could try Midori? Or your brother?” She stiffened.

“I’m scared,” she whispered. “I’m scared they won’t love me the same way.”

“Oh, babe. You know that’s not going to happen.”

“But it could. It could.” Never let it be said that Stella Lewis wasn’t stubborn.

“You’re right. It could. But that would mean they didn’t love you enough in the first place. Because if this is the thing that makes them love you differently, then that love wasn’t that strong anyway. Okay?” She sniffled and I moved her so we were facing each other.

“I wish it wasn’t like this,” she said as I brushed her tears away with my thumbs.

“Shhhh, it’s okay. It’s okay, baby.” I kissed her and she melted into me, letting me hold her. It was a different kind of kiss than earlier. A softer kiss. Something more like comfort than desire.

“Do you want me to come with you?” She shook her head.

“No, that would definitely not help. Because then they’d look at you and assume we were together.” Right.

“Or, you could tell your brother on the phone and I could be here and hold your hand. I wouldn’t say a word,” I said, pretending to zip my lips shut.

She thought about that.

“Not right now. But maybe this weekend. Maybe. I don’t know.” She took both of my hands.

“I should probably go. I really don’t want to risk getting caught and the longer I stay, the better the chances are that we will.” She kissed both of my hands and then my lips.

“Goodnight, babe. Drive safe,” I said as I walked her to the window.

“Thanks.” With one last kiss, she was out the window again and I went to set the alarm.

K
yle had planted the seed of the idea of telling Gabe in my head and it was starting to grow. I imagined all the potential scenarios and went over them with Kyle on Wednesday when we were in the library together.

“Okay, what is your absolute worst case scenario?” Kyle asked as she tossed gummy bears into her mouth.

“Um, him telling me that I’m going to burn in hell, that he’s never talking to me again, and that he’s telling Dad. That’s pretty much the worst.” Kyle raised one eyebrow.

So. Fucking. Cute.

“Don’t do that, it makes me want to kiss you.” She started wiggling her eyebrows up and down and I couldn’t stop laughing.

Of course the librarian chose that exact moment to come around the corner in search of who was destroying the peace of her library.

Kyle and I froze. Fortunately, we hadn’t been in a compromising position.

“If you two are just going to come in here and goof off, I’m going to send you back to class. Don’t make me tell you again.” Since we were sitting, she was a lot more imposing. Especially when she wagged her finger at us.

“Of course. Sorry,” I said, trying my best to look contrite.

“We won’t do it again,” Kyle said, moving her leg so it hid the bag of gummy bears.

“It better not.” With one last glare, she turned on her heel and marched off to do whatever she did all day.

“Whoa, that was close,” Kyle said, picking up her gummy bears again. “No more laughing. Or smiling.” She made her face devoid of emotion and it was so ridiculous that I started giggling and slammed a hand over my mouth to muffle the sound.

“You’re not supposed to be doing that,” she said, shaking her finger at me.

“Shut up. You have to stop or else I’m going to laugh again.”

She heaved a sigh.

“Fine.”

“H
ey, I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” Midori said on Wednesday afternoon as we headed to the locker room to change for practice.

“I know, I’ve just been really busy,” I said, my mouth going dry. It was a bad excuse. I’d been using most of the time I usually spent on Midori with Kyle and sooner or later, something was going to have to give.

“Yeah, I can tell. Busy with what?” She set her bag down and whipped her shirt over her head. She already had her sports bra on underneath. I turned my back and fiddled with my bag, grabbing my clothes.

“Just . . .  school. I’ve been stressing about college. And I’ve been working more hours.” I pulled off my shirt, unsnapped my bra and traded it for my sports bra and a tank top. I didn’t turn back around until I was covered again.

Midori was standing with her arms crossed and her eyes narrowed.

“Uh huh.”

I groaned and sat down on the bench where I’d put my bag.

“What do you want from me? Do I have to tell you every single fucking detail of my life?” A few other girls passed by and gave me weird looks, but went to change.

“Whoa, no one said that.” She sat down next to me and I could see the concern on her face.

“What’s going on with you? Are you okay? You’ve just seemed different lately.” Guess Kyle and I were perfect for each other because neither of us could hide anything.

“It’s just . . .” For a second, I almost blurted it out. But I couldn’t tell her before I told Gabe. That was the new plan and I was going to stick to it.

“Can you come over on Sunday? Or maybe we could do something on Saturday night?” That would cut into my time with Kyle, but both of us had been neglecting our best friends and there had to be a way to balance the different parts of our lives and still see each other.

“Yeah, sure. You want to maybe grab some pizza? Just the two of us?” We hadn’t done that in so long.

“Absolutely.” I gave her a smile and she patted my shoulder before grabbing her cheer shoes and slipping them on.

Guess I was telling two people this weekend.

It was like being on a train that wasn’t slowing down.

Kyle. I had to remember I was doing this for Kyle. And for me. Hiding this part of myself hadn’t been fun. Each time someone talked to me about having a boyfriend or a husband or anything like that, I felt like a liar. It made me feel awful and honestly, even before Kyle I’d been sick of it. But I told myself I could hold on until college.

Not anymore. I’d had enough, and it wasn’t just about her. I was tired of not being able to be myself. To be scared of myself. I didn’t want to do it anymore.

I had a weirdly good day at practice, nailing my tick-tock heel stretch three times in a row. I was feeling good when I walked out to my car and there she was again.

“I figured we could make this a thing,” she said, handing me a juice (mango, this time) and a glazed donut.

“It should definitely be a thing, thank you,” I said, giving her a quick kiss and looking around. There were a few cars still in the lot from other cheerleaders and teachers working late.

“I decided I’m going to tell Midori,” I said as we sat in my car and I split the donut in half, offering it to her.

“Oh, yeah? How are you feeling about that?” She took a bite and I licked the glaze off my fingers.

“Good? I guess? I wanted to tell her today because she sort of cornered me, but I want to tell Gabe first. And that probably means I should tell my dad soon. I don’t want to make Gabe keep that secret from him.” She nodded and we munched on our donut halves.

“Grace is still watching me. I think she knows that I have a thing with someone, or at least a crush and she’s taken it upon herself to find out who. Oh, and she’s also started pointing out cute girls. She’s really taking this ally thing seriously.” I laughed. I couldn’t picture Midori taking things that far.

“I think you’d like Grace. And she would like you. Once she found you weren’t actually a raging bitch.” She grinned at me and I wiped some glaze from the corner of her mouth and licked my finger off.

“But I’ve been so careful to make her believe that. Wouldn’t want to ruin things now.” Her eyebrows drew together.

“I still don’t get it. Why you’re so different with me and like that with everyone else. I’m guessing you’re not like that with Midori.” No. Not completely. She got to see bits and pieces of my real self, but Kyle was the only one, outside of family, who saw me. Just me. Unvarnished and real.

“You wouldn’t get it,” I muttered and shoved the last bite of donut into my mouth.

“Oh, that’s nice, Stella. You’re literally the only person I can talk to about liking girls, but I ‘wouldn’t get’ what you’re going though. Yeah, okay.” Her words hurt, but not enough to make me tell her the reason why.

“Look, it’s my thing. Can you just drop it?” I knew exactly what was going to happen when I said those words, but it didn’t stop me from saying them.

I expected Kyle to tell me to go fuck myself and slam the door, but she didn’t. She just sat there and waited.

“I know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to be a bitch to make me leave, but too bad, because I don’t believe you. So I’m just going to sit here.” She crossed her arms, as if she really meant business.

Damn. I’d underestimated her. And her bullshit tolerance when it came to what I could give her.

“Fine, do what you want to do.” The words didn’t come out as forceful as I wanted. I gripped the steering wheel to have something to hold onto and smeared leftover donut glaze on it. Great.

“Stel,” Kyle said, touching my shoulder, but I jerked away from her.

“You don’t even know me. Just because you’ve had your tongue in my mouth and we’ve talked a few times, doesn’t mean you know me.” I couldn’t stop the words from coming. I was just so used to curling in on myself and going on the defensive before someone could hurt me.

I had to hurt them first.

“Good effort. I’d give it an eight out of ten,” she said, giving me a smirk.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” She shrugged one shoulder.

“I like you. And I’m not all that sensitive, I guess.” I opened my mouth to say something else, but short of screaming at her, or throwing her out of my car, she didn’t seem to be budging.

“You are weird.” She grinned.

“Never claimed to be otherwise.”

I fought a smile and lost.

“Ha,” she said, a little sound of triumph. “I win.”

“Brat,” I said, smacking her in the shoulder.

Somehow she’d defused the situation and got me to smile. No one else had done that before and I didn’t know what to do with it.

“But I’m your brat. You know you like it.” I did. Too much.

“Anyway, I’m going home. But I’ll text you later.” She smacked a kiss on my cheek and was out the door, heading to her car.

I shook my head and started my car.