Style (21 page)

I
was definitely going to have bruises when this phone call was over. It was Saturday and I was next to Stella in her bedroom, holding her hand as she prepared to call her brother.

“He’s probably busy,” she said, staring at her phone. “He probably won’t even pick up.”

We’d been going through this same thing for a while now, but I wasn’t going to force her before she was ready. Grace had sort of put a gun to my head and I didn’t want that for her.

“We don’t have to do it today,” I said. She shook her head.

“No, it has to be now. Because I’m going out with Midori later and I promised myself I’d tell Gabe first.” With a nod of her head she hit send for his number and raised her phone to her ear.

I was sitting so close that I could hear it ringing.

He picked up on the third ring.

“Hey, Gabe,” she said, her voice a little shaky. I couldn’t hear what he said in return.

“No, I’m fine. I just . . .  There’s something I need to tell you. Do you have a minute to talk?” She waited and then took a deep breath. We’d practiced what she was going to say all week.

“Dad’s fine. No, I didn’t get kicked out of school. Can you just shut up for a second?” She took another breath and somehow squeezed my hand harder. I wouldn’t be surprised if she snapped one of my fingers. Damn cheerleading muscles.

“Gabe, I’m gay.” Her entire body shook with the words and her hand trembled in mine.

You got this
, I mouthed at her, but she was too busy with Gabe.

“No, I’m sure. Yes, I’m serious. No, I haven’t told Dad. You’re the first.” Second. Technically.

She opened her mouth to say something else, but Gabe must have been talking.

“Shut the fuck up, you did not know,” she said, letting go of my hand.

“No you didn’t . . .  No . . .  No, Gabe . . .  Stop it . . .” Okay, was it going bad or . . . ?

I was dying to know what he was saying. I wished she’d put him on speaker.

“I’m not going to say that because you did not know before me. You’re just saying that because you want to be right.” She rolled her eyes, so that was a good sign.

“Look, I’m not fighting with you about who knew I was gay first. The bottom line is that I am and I like girls and Dad doesn’t know yet, so don’t say anything. I’m going to tell him. Probably tomorrow.” Wow. Her brother, Midori, and dad all in one weekend. She was better than me.

“Oh my God, Gabe. Yes, I did kiss Shannon. No, I do not have a girlfriend.” She gave me an exaggerated wink and I had to muffle a laugh.

“Okay, I’ll tell you when I get a girlfriend so you can do your brotherly thing and interrogate her to figure out what her intentions are. Okay. I’ll talk to you later, jerk. Okay, bye.” She set the phone down on her bed and I pulled her into a hug.

“I’m still shaking,” she said and I could feel it.

“I’m guessing it went well? From what I could hear.” She snorted into my shirt.

“Yeah, you could say that. He basically said that he’s known for years and doesn’t give a shit and just wants me to be happy.” She sat back and pulled her knees up.

“I mean, I
knew
that was what he was going to say. I know my brother. But I still was scared out of my mind. My heart is pounding.” She put her hand on her chest and let out a little breathless laugh.

“I think I need a drink now.”

S
ince we couldn’t have an alcoholic beverage, we had seltzer water with maraschino cherries in it.

“Too bad I don’t have any cherry stuff or we could have made Shirley Temples,” she said as we sat in the living room.

“How do you feel now?” She set her drink down on a coaster and shrugged.

“The same? I guess I thought I would feel different or something. But I’m still me. Still gay.” I laughed.

“Lucky for me.”

She gave me a half-smile that made my heart do flips.

“I’m really proud of you. For doing that.”

“Thanks,” she said, looking down at her hands. Stella painted her nails every week without fail. They were painted a cute mint green.

“Hey, would you do my nails?” I asked. She looked up.

“Yeah, sure. I can do your toes too.”

“Cool.” She skipped off and came back with one of those clear plastic containers and it was filled to the brim with polish. There had to be at least fifty or more bottles.

“Polish much?” I asked when she set it down on the coffee table with a clunk.

“It’s fun. Something to do.” She shrugged and set out the supplies and I scooted closer, flattening my hand on her thigh.

“That’s not going to be distracting at all,” she said, lining up the bottles of polish for me to choose one.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I said, pointing to the same color polish she was wearing.

“This one?”

“Yeah, I want us to match.” She beamed. How cute.

“Okay,” she said, unscrewing the top of the polish and starting on my pointer finger.

“Can I run a hypothetical situation past you?” I asked as her head was bent over my hand to make sure everything was perfect.

“Sure.”

I took a breath.

“What if I told my parents and you tell your dad and your brother already knows and our best friends will know so . . .  what would you think about us maybe telling more people? Or, if not that, just . . .  hanging out? In public?” More and more, I was learning that I was willing to risk/give up a hell of a lot of things to get more time with Stella. I’d do just about anything for more time with Stella.

She looked up as she finished my first nail.

“Hypothetically?” she asked, raising one perfect blonde eyebrow.

“Hypothetically.”

She put the brush back into the jar of polish.

“I think . . .  I think that I’d be okay with that.” I exhaled shakily.

“Really?” She took my polish-free hand.

“Really.” Stella lifted my hand to her lips and kissed the back of my hand like she was from an old movie or something.

“So you’d be willing to hold my hand in public and go on dates outside of either of our houses? Hypothetically.” I felt like I had to keep adding that.

“I’d be willing to pretty much go anywhere with you, Kyle. In case you didn’t know that,” she said, twisting her fingers with mine.

I loved the idea of being out with her, our hands entwined, walking together.

“It wouldn’t bother you to be out with me?” She shook her head.

“No, why?”

“Because I am easily defeated by stairs. And if we were chased by a murderer, I’d probably end up dead.” She stared at me for a second and then it hit her. My limp.

“Oh! Oh, no. I guess I don’t see it as something that’s bad or wrong, or whatever. It’s just you. And I like you. All of you.” That was something I’d definitely considered when it came to dating, but I’d figured I would just find a guy in college, since colleges were generally liberal places. But it had still been in the back of my mind.

“I won’t always be able to keep up with you.” I started to say something else, but she shook her head.

“I like
you
. Whatever form you come in. The packaging isn’t important. And I happen to think your packaging is perfect.” I bit my lip and looked down at my nails again.

“Thanks.”

“You wouldn’t feel weird about being out with me?” she asked, going back to painting my nails.

“No. When I really think about it, no. It feels right. Sometimes I look at you and I wonder how I ever could have thought I was straight.” She giggled.

“Yeah, I feel the same way sometimes. But I haven’t been ‘straight’ for a long time.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Okay, okay, you win. You knew before me.” She looked up.

“It’s not a competition. You got there in the end. And there are some people who go almost their entire lives without figuring it out.”

“I guess you have a point.”

“I do.” Stella concentrated on my nails and I watched her work. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. Just the two of us being together. She finished my first hand and I blew on my nails as she worked on my second hand.

“We’ll have to do another coat,” she said after she’d finished the first. I waved my hands in the air to dry them.

“Want me to do your toes while you wait for those to dry?” she asked. I slipped my socks off.

“As long as you don’t think my feet are ugly,” I said before I put them in her lap.

“Aw, your feet are cute. Cuter than mine. My second toes are longer than my first and I hate it.” I bet it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I’d ask if I could do her toes. Not that I was great at nail polish. I just didn’t use it that much because it chipped after two seconds.

I was glad she couldn’t see my leg, because I wasn’t ready for her to see all the surgery scars. Most of the time I didn’t think about them, but I definitely didn’t want to when I was with Stella.

“So, you’re going to tell your parents?” she asked as she finished my second toe.

“I think so? I mean, it went well with Grace and you told your brother and I think it’ll be okay. I hope it’ll be okay. I just hate feeling like I’m hiding something from them. As much as they drive me crazy, everything they do is because they want the best for me. And they’ve sacrificed their entire lives to see that I didn’t grow up like they did.” Both of my parents had had rough childhoods. They hadn’t given me a lot of details, but I knew enough. And I could read between the lines.

“That’s sweet.”

“Yeah. Bottom line is that I know they love me. And if they love me, they have to love all of me, right?” She nodded.

“Exactly.”

I
was second-guessing my choice of venue for my talk with Midori that night. It meant that anyone walking by or eavesdropping would hear what we were talking about. Fortunately, there was a booth tucked into a corner near the kitchen that the waitress seated us at and if I spoke low enough, no one would hear.

“I wonder if she thinks we’re on a date,” Midori said after she’d taken our drink orders.

“What?” I said, nearly choking on my water. I felt all the blood drain from my face.

“I just said what if she thought we were on a date. It was a joke. I wasn’t serious.” That didn’t stop me from shaking. But this was Midori. My best friend. The girl who had had my back. Literally, in some instances at cheer practice.

“Oh, yeah, right,” I said, pretending to laugh, but probably sounding deranged.

We talked about what to order and homework and the new stunt our coach wanted us to try.

I was trying to figure out how best to tell her when I just blurted it out.

“I’m gay,” I said as she picked up the first slice of pizza. The waitress had just left us, so we were alone.

Midori froze.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I’m gay. That’s what I didn’t want to tell you.” She set the slice of pizza down on her plate and opened and closed her mouth a few times.

“Okay.” She picked up her napkin and set it on her lap and started to eat.

“That’s it?” I asked. She wrapped a string of melting cheese around one finger and then put it in her mouth.

“Is there more?”

“I guess I just expected you to have more of a reaction.” She smiled and took another bite of pizza.

“I mean, I think I sort of knew, but it doesn’t change who you are. I don’t see you any differently. And you’re my best friend. So that’s it.” Oh. Okay?

I opened and closed my mouth a few more times and Midori laughed.

“Stella, it’s not a big deal to me. I know that there are some assholes out there, but I’m not one of them. If girls are what you want and they make you happy, then that’s what I care about.” Well.

“Wow,” I said and she shrugged one shoulder.

“Do you want to talk about it? Or not talk about it?” she asked. I finally picked up a slice and bit into it.

“If we didn’t have to talk about it that would be great. I feel like it’s all I’ve thought and talked about for weeks and I’m a little bored to be honest.” We both laughed.

“Okay then. So, what do you think about fundraising online for the new uniforms? Because car washes are so overdone and I really don’t want to wash a car in a bikini so some gross old guy can ogle me.” I made a face.

“Totally agree.” So we talked about fundraising for cheer and how we couldn’t wait for this year to be over and the ridiculousness of college application essays.

It was amazing.

Before she left, I gave her a huge hug.

“Thank you for being my best friend,” I said.

“Anytime,” she said, hugging me back.

Two down, a bazillion to go.

I
was on such a roll that when I got back on Saturday night from hanging with Midori, I sat Dad down in the living room and told him.

He just sort of blinked at me and told me he’d known since I was five or something.

“You’re my daughter. It’s my job to know you.” He smiled and gave me a hug. I started to cry a little and he held me and told me that he loved me.

“I thought this was going to be horrible,” I said, wiping my eyes. He kissed the top of my head.

“Why? Why would you think that this would change the way I see you?” I didn’t know for sure.

“I’m really proud of you for trusting me with this, Star. And I know that you’ll be happier when you can live openly as yourself.” My stupid heart kept swelling due to these amazing people I had in my life.

“So you’re not going to disown me or take me to ‘pray away the gay’ camp?” I asked, totally joking. He shook his head.

“You know, it always fascinates me that when people are having a child, they say ‘we don’t care what we have, as long as it’s healthy’ but if that child turns out to be gay, or transgender, suddenly that’s not good enough.” I nodded and we sat down and did what we always did and had a lively discussion of gender and heteronormativity and he even gave me a list of books that he’d read. My dad had read a little bit about almost everything, so he always had a ready book recommendation. If you needed a book on pangolins, he’d have a title ready and waiting in his brain to give you. Sometimes he made me feel stupid. But he’d had more years of reading under his belt than I had.

So that was Gabe, my dad and Midori down. The three most important people (other than Kyle) in my life. Everyone else? I kind of wished I didn’t need to tell them. Why was the pressure on me?

I texted Kyle because I needed to talk to her.

So Midori and Dad were fine. NBD.

Wow! That’s awesome. I’m telling parents tomorrow. Might call you sobbing and ask if I can come live with you if things go badly.

Aw, I wished I could go and hold her hand. Or even do it for her. I was getting pretty good at it by now.

You don’t have to, Ky. It can wait.

I know, I know. But I just want to get it over with, you know?

I did. I absolutely did. Now that my family knew, I almost felt . . .  light? Like something that I’d been carrying for a long time inside me had lifted. It was nice.

I wanted that for Kyle too and I hoped beyond hope that she’d get it.

I’m here for you. No matter what. Okay?

Okay. I’ll let you know how it goes. Goodnight, babe.

I sighed and set my phone to charge as I climbed into bed.

Everything and nothing had changed in just a few days. I guess I expected to feel more of a change in myself, but I felt the same, but better. The best word to describe it would be “quiet.”

Maybe it was supposed to be this way. I didn’t really believe in fate or that shit, but this felt right. The timing felt right.
Kyle
felt right.

M
y mom looked like she was going to die from a heart attack when I sat her and Dad down in the living room on Sunday afternoon. I had a whole speech prepared, with answers to any potential questions and I wasn’t going to cry this time. I mean, I was going to try not to cry this time. No promises.

“Kyle, you’re scaring us,” Mom said, clutching Dad’s hand. “Are you pregnant?” she said in a whisper.

And I burst out laughing. Oops.

“This is not funny at all, Kyle,” Dad said, putting his arm around Mom.

“I’m sorry,” I said, trying to stifle the giggles. “I’m really sorry. It’s not funny. I mean, it is in the context.” I bent over, my stomach aching.

“Kyle!” I straightened up and swallowed the rest of my laughter.

“I’m sorry. It’s funny because I’m gay. As far as I know, two girls can’t make a baby, so that’s not something you have to worry about. Yay.” I raised my hands and wiggled my fingers like jazz hands.

They both stared at me.

“You’re gay?” Mom said. “You’re not pregnant, you’re gay?”

Uh oh.

“Yes?”

She let out a huge sigh and fell back against the couch.

“Oh, thank God. I thought it was something bad. I need a minute to get my heart back to normal.” She put her hand on her chest and I looked at Dad.

“Well, thank you for telling us, but you didn’t need to make a huge production out of it. We were both preparing ourselves for the worst.”

“I’m sorry?” I said. What was going on here?

“It’s okay, kid,” he said, getting up to give me a hug. Mom joined him a second later and we had a family hug. I couldn’t remember the last time I did that.

“We love you, Kyle. You’re
our
daughter and we are beyond lucky that we got you.” That made me cry. Guess I couldn’t come out without crying. That was going to be really embarrassing.

“I love both of you,” I said. “I know I don’t seem like it sometimes, but I do. And I appreciate all of the sacrifices you’ve made for me and all that you do.” Mom pulled back from the hug and held my face between her hands.

“If you think about it, we’re even luckier because not everyone gets a gay child. You’re rare. Like a diamond.” She kissed my forehead and I cried some more.