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S
omething major was up with Stella. I’d never seen her so freaked out. Completely freaked. She almost looked like she was going to be sick.

I wanted to know what it was, because I wanted to help her, but she closed right up and wouldn’t tell. Just like she wouldn’t tell me why she was such a bitch in front of everyone else, but not with me.

Stella had her secrets and I guess part of being with her was living with them. I could do it, because I wanted to be with her no matter what. It was a small price to pay for getting to kiss her and laugh with her and hold her hand.

She seemed like she wanted to be alone, so I left her and went home, feeling on edge. My parents asked what was wrong at dinner and I caved and told them. Not everything, but that Stella was being weird and I didn’t know what to do about it.

“Do you think someone maybe said something mean to her?” Mom asked. That had been my first thought too. And my second thought was that someone had maybe threatened her. Who knows? But I was pretty sure she’d tell me about something like that. No, this was something different. And I was pretty sure Stella would have no problem telling someone that they could shove their homophobia right up their own ass.

“She just won’t talk to me about certain things and it drives me crazy,” I said, putting my head in my hands. I sighed and looked up to find my parents giving each other one of those looks that parents did when they didn’t say anything out loud, but you could tell they were thinking the same thing. It was weird.

“Well, maybe you should give her some space? Some time? She might find that she’ll want to come and talk to you, if you give her a little room.” I’d thought about that and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like anything that put more space between us than there already was.

“I just don’t want this to end before it’s even started.”

“Aw, honey, I’m sure it’ll work out,” Mom said. I loved that she was acting like this was just another relationship because, to her, it was.

“Girls are tough,” Dad said and I burst out laughing.

“Doesn’t make them any easier to understand being one, let me tell you,” I said. In some ways I thought it was harder.

I
texted Stella once that night, telling her I was thinking of her and if she wanted to talk, I was there. She sent a goodnight message back and thanked me, but that was it. I knew I was going to see her in English the next day and I had no idea what she was going to say or what I was going to say or what the hell to do.

I made the mistake of looking online and succeeded in confusing myself and making myself more anxious about the whole thing. I stopped before I worked myself into a frenzy and tried to sleep, but it didn’t work.

My alarm rang after only a few fitful hours of sleep and I wanted to tell my mom that I was sick and stay in bed and have her skip work and fuss over me like I was a little girl again. But what if Stella decided she did want to talk and then I wasn’t there? I couldn’t risk it.

So I dragged my ass out of bed and got dressed and threw some concealer on under my eyes, grateful that my glasses distracted people from how bad my dark circles were.

I wanted to chew on my nails, but they were both still polished, which only made me think of Stella even more. To be fair, just about everything made me think of her.

She beat me to English and her head snapped up when I walked in. She looked gorgeous, as always, but I could tell she hadn’t slept well either.

“Hey,” I said, sliding into my seat next to her.

“Hey,” she said, her voice rough.

“Are you okay? I was worried about you,” I said under my breath. “I almost called you so many times.” She looked straight ahead.

“I’m sorry.”

I didn’t want her to apologize. I wanted her to talk to me.

“It’s okay,” I said, feeling a horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. “I just wish you would trust me.” That made her look at me.

“I do trust you,” she said, as if I’d uttered something ridiculous.

“Then why won’t you talk to me?” I hissed. Shit, girls were difficult. Worth it, but difficult.

She looked like she was going to respond, but then didn’t.

“I’m sorry,” she said again, and I could tell she meant it. There was something holding her back. Someone must have broken her trust. Really broken it. There was so much more to Stella than met the eye and I was determined to find out. I wasn’t going down without a hell of a fight. If she wanted one, she had one on her hands. I was stubborn as hell.

S
he had to work at the vet clinic on Wednesday night, so I drove there and waited for her to come out. I didn’t think this would qualify as stalking. If she told me to leave, I’d get in my car, but I was going to give this a shot. I had to.

She didn’t look surprised to see me when she came out, dressed in scrubs with her hair up. I’d never seen her in her work clothes and what looked like crap on most people on her, of course, were painfully cute.

“Just tell me to go, and I’ll go,” I said, holding my hands up to stop her from having the first word. She pulled her keys out of her purse, and when she exhaled her breath clouded in the air.

“I don’t want you to,” she said, and I knew she was really struggling.

“You don’t have to talk to me. I don’t want to put you in crisis. I don’t want to tear you apart. I just want you to be happy.” She started to cry and I pulled her into my arms, letting her rest her head on my shoulder. We were both freezing and she started to shake, but I wasn’t moving. I would freeze to death out here. I would let all my fingers and toes turn black and fall off from frostbite. I would stay here and hold my girl.

I had come to the realization that I liked Stella. A lot. A lot, a lot. I wasn’t going to call it “serious” yet, but it was getting there. This girl was probably going to wreck me and I was going to stand there and let her.

She finally lifted her head and sniffed. She had snot coming from her nose, but it was a testament to her beauty that she still took my breath away. I pulled her toward my car and made her get in, fishing a tissue out from the center console and handing it to her. She dabbed at her nose and her eyes and then stared out the windshield.

“You only know me now. You know me as the ice-cold bitch. I wasn’t always like that and I think you know that. But I never told you why.” I waited, nearly holding my breath.

“I wasn’t popular in school. At all. I was more into books and my mom ran off and I don’t really know why people didn’t want to be friends with me. I tried. I tried so hard and in third grade, a group of girls that I wanted to be friends with started asking me to hang out with them. I was so excited that they invited me to their parties and sleepovers, but they only invited me to torment me. And it wasn’t just stuff they said, there were other things they did.” She shuddered.

“Anyway, I was so desperate to be friends with them, that I took it. I let them treat me worse than garbage. For years. There wasn’t a day that went by that they didn’t do something awful. As we got older, they got better at hiding what they were doing, so teachers didn’t notice. I never told anyone. I had myself convinced that if I only put up with it long enough, they would let me in. They would like me.” She inhaled and closed her eyes for a minute. I reached out tentatively and took her hand. She let me.

“I don’t want to talk about the details, because honestly? I think I blocked a lot of it out. I didn’t tell my dad. I wanted to handle it myself. Gabe knew, but there wasn’t much he could do to protect me. So when I finally got to high school, I decided that I wasn’t going to let that happen again. I wasn’t going to be a victim. I was going to be a stone-cold bitch and not let them see that they could hurt me.” Everything completely clicked into place. I knew she had a good reason and that was definitely it.

“That makes sense,” I said and she looked back at me.

“Really? It doesn’t make me a terrible person?” I frowned.

“Why would it make you a terrible person to protect yourself from people who hurt you for years?” She looked down at our hands.

“I don’t know. I’ve never told anyone this. Midori already knew because she moved here in seventh grade. But other than that, no one else knows.” I was honored. And totally pissed off. I wanted to throttle those stupid girls. WTF was wrong with them?

“I want to throat punch them all,” I said and she laughed, just a little.

“I would like to see that,” she said. “Anyway, things are different now and I guess I just got so used to it that I don’t really know how to stop. And I was scared that if I let people see who I really was, that they wouldn’t like it.” Now that was ridiculous. Her personality was awesome. She was funny and sweet and so, so smart.

“Everyone would love you.” There was a voice that whispered in the back of my mind
you already do
.

“I think that’s an overstatement and you’re a little biased, but thanks. That’s really nice, Ky.” I put my arms out and she let me hug her.

“Thank you so much for trusting me. I know this is a big deal for you. I just want to live up to it.” She kissed my cheek.

“I do trust you. I don’t know if I’ve ever trusted someone like I trust you. I mean, my family yes, but this is different. And then there are ways I don’t trust you.” The bottom dropped out of my stomach.

“What do you mean?”

She stared into my eyes, unblinking.

“I’m afraid that you’re going to break my heart.”

I couldn’t breathe for several seconds.

“Well, that makes two of us,” I said and we just gazed at one another.

“So, this is happening,” she said and I nodded.

“This is happening.”

Neither of us could say it. Not yet.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” I blurted out to stop myself from saying something else.

“Yeah. Yeah, I will.” It felt like a proposal. I almost wished I had a ring. A visual reminder that we were together.

“This is a very intense moment,” I said, stating the obvious. Stella just closed her eyes and brought her face to mine.

“Shut up.”

“Shut up,
girlfriend
,” I said into her mouth.

“Shut up, girlfriend.”

I
couldn’t believe that I told her, but just one day of essentially ignoring her was too much. I had been so miserable at work that even a basket of kittens couldn’t cheer me up. It wasn’t that I couldn’t live without her, it was that I didn’t like the way I’d treated her. I didn’t like the words I’d said and I couldn’t let it end like that. I would hate myself forever.

Even before she showed up, I vowed that I was going to call her and ask her to meet me somewhere so we could talk. But, of course, she beat me to it.

And then we’d talked and I’d told her and it was okay. Better than okay. I told her that I more than liked her and she felt the same and now I had a girlfriend.

My very first girlfriend.

We both had tons of homework that couldn’t be ignored, so we couldn’t hang out for long, so making out in the backseat of her car had to be cut tragically short.

I’d managed to get my hand most of the way up her shirt, brushing the underside of her bra. So. Close.

“We should stop,” she gasped, breaking our kiss. I nodded, and ran a shaky hand through my hair.

“Uh huh,” I said, pushing myself up with my arms. We’d gotten horizontal and if we’d had more time, we probably would have gotten a lot more naked.

My brain was scrambled and I was so turned on that I was in pain. I needed a shower. Stat.

We both scrambled out of her car and we were a little shaky, trying to get ourselves together to actually drive.

Kyle kissed me goodbye and whispered in my ear.

“I’m going to think about you all night.” I shivered and she gave me a sly smile and wave before she yelled “Bye, girlfriend!” and drove away.

“Well, shit,” I said, leaning against my car and telling my heart to calm down.

“Y
ou stayed late tonight,” Dad said when I walked through the door and into the living room. I bet my face was still a little red, even though I’d driven past the house twice to try and get myself looking normal so I could face him. I sat on the couch nearest his leather wing chair where he read for pleasure.

“Um, sort of? I stayed late, but not to work. I, ah, had a talk with Kyle. You remember meeting her, right?” He put down his book.

“How could I forget?” A hint of a smile started to emerge.

“Stop it,” I said, blushing.

“She’s very cute. And smart, I’m guessing, if she’s in AP English.” I nodded.

“She is. She’s number four in our class.”

“Very nice. Is there something you want to tell me about her?” Not really, but if I wanted to have her over, I was going to have to do this.

“Kyle and I are kind of . . .  together. Together, together.” He laughed.

“I get the point, Star. She’s your girlfriend. Is that the term teens still use?” I raised one eyebrow. What else would you call it?

“Um, yes? A new term hasn’t been invented yet, so we’re going with girlfriend for now.” Saying the word out loud made me want to do a bunch of standing back tucks.

“That’s a big step. But she seems like a very nice girl. I’d like to meet her, talk to her more, if you want to have her over.” My dad had never been one of those overbearing types that would threaten anyone that Gabe or I dated.

“Yeah, she’s forcing me to meet her parents, so it’s only fair, I guess.” He chuckled.

“Seems so.” We lapsed into silence and then I couldn’t deal with it.

“I really like her. A lot.” He gave me a gentle smile.

“You seem giddy. I haven’t seen you like that.” Because I never had been. I’d never felt so many overwhelming and fluttery and confusing and wonderful things all at once.

“The timing sucks. Because it’s going to end. We’re both going to head to different colleges and maybe try and stick it out for a while, but then we’ll stop calling and it will just end.” Dad leaned back in his chair. He always did that when he was going to give me some advice. He was very good at it.

“Or maybe it won’t. Usually going into something thinking that you’re going to lose is an excellent way to ensure that you do.” I knew that, but could it really work? How many people actually stayed with their high school sweethearts? I’d heard the statistics and they were low. I bet they didn’t even have any on LGBT couples in those kinds of surveys. Because we didn’t really exist, probably.

“I don’t know. I hate thinking about it. I just want to think about now and then deal with that later.”

“That’s probably a good idea. But give it a chance before you write it off completely. Love doesn’t work out for everyone, I should know, but it can for some people. You might just get to be one of them.” It was a little pessimistic, but Dad was like that. He didn’t sugarcoat reality. Never had.

“Yeah, I guess. Anyway.” I got up and gave him a kiss on the forehead. He wrapped his arm around my waist.

“I’m so proud of the woman you’re becoming, my Star. So proud to call you my daughter.” I had tears in my eyes that I wiped away before I hugged him back and went to the kitchen to make some dinner.

“Y
ou’re totally my girlfriend,” Kyle said later that night as we sat in our separate beds in our separate rooms, pretending that we were together.

“Yup. You talked me into it. I was powerless against you,” I said, being dramatic.

“Oh, shut up. I’m not the hot one.” I snorted.

“I beg to differ, but we’re never going to agree on that one.”

“Probably not.”

I leaned back and twirled some hair around my finger.

“Are we going to be out now? At school and everything?” I asked.

“Can we wait until next week?” she said.

“Absolutely. And I think we should prepare ourselves for people being . . .  less than welcoming. Our families and besties are one thing, but who knows. That’s another reason I didn’t want to come out until I was in college. I figured it would just give everyone ammunition to shoot at me again. But now it doesn’t seem so bad. I mean, I haven’t dealt with it yet, so I might totally regret this.” I laughed.

“Yeah, I’ve thought about that a lot. I mean, I don’t care what people think, but having someone say something horrible about you in front of me is something that would make me so angry, I can feel my blood boiling just thinking about it. Ugh, I don’t even want to talk about it.” I could hear the anger in her voice and I felt the same way. I had protected myself, but I would slay some fucking dragons for Kyle.

“We aren’t the first couple at school, though. There’s Jane and Lexi and then Polly and Tris. I know there are more. They all hang out in a group together.” It was a small school, but I’d always consciously avoided even making eye contact with any of them. Afraid that they would know. Afraid that they could see me. With their gaydar.

“That’s true. Do you think we should make friends with them? It might be nice to talk to someone else who’s been through this. Other than us.” I’d thought about that too. As much as I loved the girls on the cheer team and Midori, this was something I couldn’t share with them. They could sympathize, but they didn’t know what it was like to care about another girl like this.

“But how do we go about it? Just walk up to them and ask to join their group?” That sounded painfully awkward. Definitely didn’t want to do that.

“I don’t know. Let’s get through this week and tackle that next week. I feel like we have to go about this in steps. We’ll get there eventually. I honestly can’t wait for the day when I can just walk down the hallway with you and not worry.” Yeah, me too.

“And when we can go on real dates not in one of our living rooms. I want to show you off, you sexy nerd.” That made her laugh.

“I wanna show you off too, you beautiful thing. People are probably going to think I’ve lost my mind for going out with you. After they get over the initial shock that Kyle Blake and Stella Lewis are gay as fuck.” I burst out laughing and couldn’t stop.

“I’m kind of looking forward to the looks on people’s faces,” she said. I hadn’t thought of it that way. I’d always thought about it in a negative way. But maybe it would be good. It had been so far.

“You have a bad case of the giggles tonight, baby,” she said because I couldn’t stop laughing. “I think it’s time to go to bed.”

I stopped laughing and took a deep breath.

“Okay, I guess. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye, Ky.”

I
sent her a text the minute I woke up with a picture of me doing a kissy face.

Good morning, my girlfriend.