Summer

For my two beautiful daughters

Who decides what’s normal and what’s not?

People around here sigh and say, ‘No one died in six months,
thank God. Maybe the worst is over.’

I say, ‘Wait, it’s not finished, not by a long way.’

‘No one else died. Now we can get our lives back on track.’

‘Ride the bus into school, why don’t you? Go to work, don’t
dwell on the past.’

Fine,
I think, but I keep my cynical mouth shut and put one
foot in front of another along with the rest of Ellerton.

Normal is grey and narrow, normal is not daring to look
back.

At night I dream in widescreen, high definition
technicolour.

Phoenix is there, centre screen, full of life. He’s coming right
at me, smiling, reaching out his hand. I take it and his blue-
grey eyes shining out from under a sweep of dark hair are
talking to me, telling me he loves me. When he rests his arm
around my shoulder, I feel the warm weight of it.

Awake, I’m alone. They try to get near me – Laura, Zoey,
Logan and the rest. ‘Look ahead, Darina. There’s so much to
live for.’ Meaning, you’re seventeen years old, for chrissake,
you only knew Phoenix Rohr for a couple of months. OK, so
you lost him in a street fight and that was tough but you have
your whole life in front of you. Normal, grey stuff. I push them
away. I prefer my multicolour dreams.

Phoenix and me cross-legged on a rock in the middle of
Deer Creek. Silver flashes on the clear water, blood-red sun
over Amos Peak.

Phoenix’s lips on mine, full and soft. I run my fingers from
the nape of his neck down his spine. His skin is smooth, warm
and tanned, there’s no angel-wing death mark between his
shoulder blades where the knife went in. It’s like we’ve been
together since the day we were born.

Awake again, I’m driving out of town. I’m cold, it’s March
and the grey voices are winning.

‘I fixed up more sessions with Kim Reiss,’ Laura, my mom,
just informed me. ‘Please talk to her, Darina. It’s bad for you to
bottle up your emotions this way.’

I’m cold, pushing eighty miles per hour with the top down.
The way the wind flaps through my hair reminds me of beating
wings. The mountains ahead look black
.

What do I say to Kim the shrink in her primrose-yellow
room? I’m cold, I’m hurting, I haven’t seen my Beautiful Dead
boyfriend in four whole months. Sixteen weeks of driving out to
Foxton since Arizona stepped into Hartmann Lake, her angel
wings spread wide. It was late fall, before bleak Christmas and
a blank New Year. I stood next to you, Phoenix, at the lake’s
edge, while angel-winged Arizona walked up to her waist in
the clear green water and a mist came to take her. ‘Go,’ we
said. You held my hand and your hand was cold as ice.

Foxton is where I’ll find you and it won’t be a dream. One
cold day in the deep snow, when your overlord decides it’s time,
you’ll be there at the barn door, waiting for me. Maybe today.

Black rocks rise sheer to either side, a grey strip of road
threading through. The car engine whines and the wind tears
at me.

Today. I picture Phoenix at the barn door, back from the
dead, here on the far side. The frozen chambers of my heart
fire up. I’m in his arms and this time I will never let go
.

1

F
or once I did something Laura asked me to do – I went to see Kim Reiss.

‘Do you think I’m crazy?’ I sit in her yellow room and the words spill out of my mouth. ‘Or is this normal?’

I’m still driving out to Foxton on a daily basis and still the place is empty. I’m searching for ghosts. We’re almost through March; the snow is melting.

‘Tell me how you feel,’ Kim suggests. She’s reading my face, picking up my body language.

‘Broken.’ That’s the best word I can come up with, here in this calm space.
I won’t cry
. The second I think this, I have to reach for the Kleenex. How come I have so little control over my tear ducts?

‘Explain “broken” to me.’

‘Not working. Minus my hard drive.’

Kim studies me. ‘Are you eating? Are you sleeping?’

I shrug.

‘That’s a no. Are you going into school?’

Ellerton High, where there are four empty desks, one each for Jonas, Arizona, Summer and Phoenix. And everyone acts like those kids never died.

‘Yeah.’

‘I take that as another no. Which bits are not working, Darina?’

‘My head. I don’t see things. I don’t listen. I forget everything. That can’t be normal, can it?’

‘What else?’

‘Here.’ I strike my chest.
Come on, heart, wake up
.
Remember to beat
. ‘I don’t feel anything. I don’t know how to act.’

She hands me another tissue. ‘Is there one thing in particular that preys on your mind?’

Phoenix, where are you? When will you come back and
haunt me? I don’t care if you’re real or if I imagined the whole
deal. Just don’t leave me here alone!

I body swerve. ‘It’s almost a year since Summer died,’ I tell Kim.

‘Summer Madison – one of the four teenaged victims. Was she something special to you?’

‘To me. To everyone who knew her. I can’t explain.’

‘I read in the newspaper that she was a musician.’

‘She played guitar. But it was her voice. You never heard anything like that voice.’

‘They say she was ready to sign a record deal.’

I nod. ‘It’s weird – you can go on YouTube and listen to her sing, as if she’s still here.’

‘But she’ll never walk into a room and say “hi” again. Is that it?’

I’m staring at the small, neat scar on Kim’s left cheek.
I don’t want to go where she’s just taken me, I’m wondering,
How come the scar?

She sits alert in her soft cream seat.

‘Did I tell you I was there?’ I ask.

‘Where?’

‘In the mall, the day Summer died. I was drinking coffee in Starbucks. She was coming out of the music store. She saw me and waved, started to walk towards me. Then the gunman opened fire.’

She never made it.

Summer Madison – everyone knows her name. She has a million hits on YouTube; there’s a video of her on stage at a festival when she was fifteen years old.

‘Hey, Darina,’ she would have said if she’d reached Starbucks. ‘I just printed out some sheet music for a new song. Do you want to come over to my place and hear it?’

We would’ve driven out of town to Westra to her house stuffed with guitars and keyboards, her mother’s artwork spilling out of the studio: the smell of wet oil paint; her dad cooking up a storm for their evening meal: the aroma of onions, tomatoes and basil. She would’ve sat me down on the terrace overlooking the mountains and picked up her guitar. She would’ve sung like an angel.

But no. Instead, Psycho Man showed up and sprayed the mall with bullets. I watched Summer go down mid-stride at the foot of the escalator and waited where I was until the shooting stopped. Maybe thirty seconds. When I got to her she was lying face up and blood was oozing over the white marble floor.

‘Darina, I’m leaving for work.’ Laura appeared at my door and winced when she saw I was logged on to Summer’s angelvoice website. Hannah Stoltman plus Parker Simons and Ezra Powell, a couple of techies from Ellerton High, set it up soon after Summer was killed, in her memory and with Summer’s parents’ blessing. Kids use it to review Summer’s tracks:
These songs are five star! So sad she died – I
couldn’t stop crying!

‘I said I have to go now.’ Laura wanted me to be out there meeting my friends, getting over it, normal and grey. ‘Will you be OK?’

‘Yeah, I’m cool.’

‘Jim has the day at home to catch up on desk work. Ask him if you need anything.’

‘OK, cool.’
Why in a million years would I do that?

‘Will you go to school?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Good. How did the session with Kim Reiss go?’

‘Good.’ Did I mention my back was turned?
Tap-tap-tap
. I faked interest in my keyboard.

‘And will you go again?’

‘Next Friday, April first.’
All Fools’ Day
.

Laura nodded and left. Five minutes later I was in my car, heading for Foxton Ridge.

There was snow on the ground and flakes falling gently from a dull grey sky. I parked by the stand of aspens and stood near to the iron water tower staring down at the big empty barn and the ranch house dwarfed beside it. Snow turns things new and bright – except for the fact that there were no footprints or tyre marks in the yard you would’ve sworn the place was inhabited.

Do the Beautiful Dead have footprints?
I wondered. They don’t have heartbeats or blood running through their veins, so it was a reasonable question. I looked up at the sky and felt cold flakes settle on my face then melt.

I would walk down the hill, I would pull open the barn door and look inside. The door would creak. A creature – maybe a mouse or a squirrel – would scuttle up the wooden stairs into the hayloft.

This had happened many times. I was always moving clumsily, weighed down by despair.
Phoenix isn’t here.
Phoenix isn’t here
. Hammer blows, doom and gloom.

My feet crunched in the snow. I passed the razor-wire fence, mended last year by Jonas and Hunter, and slowly approached the rusted truck parked in the yard. It was old and broken down. It would never move again. Catching sight of my reflection in the windscreen, I glanced quickly away. Whose was that skinny, ghostly image wearing mascara and cropped, dark hair, its face pinched with cold? Not mine. I didn’t recognize the scowling, downturned mouth, the dead eyes. I looked again.
Hey, Darina, that is totally you!

Turning my back, I made for the barn door with its crazy pattern of hammered nails, its zig-zag of support planks, the grey, weathered boards. Looking up, I saw the dead moose head staring down at me with giant antlers and glass eyes.

Creak!
The opening door scared the crap out of me.

Come on, Phoenix, where are you?
There in a corner beside the rakes and shovels, reaching up to tear down a
century of cobwebs and stepping forward? Standing on the wooden steps to the loft in a narrow ray of light, flecks of dust doing a dizzy dance around your head?
Smile down
at me, for chrissake. Reach out to me and take me by the hand.

It was weird but I kind of liked Kim’s room. The aspen trees outside the window were pale and bare, but inside there were cosy chairs and a coffee table, a warm rug and a calm, scarred face waiting for me to begin.

‘Thirty seconds,’ Kim said. ‘Between the shot that hit Summer and you reaching her.’

‘A lifetime,’ I told her. I liked the way my therapist had styled her fair hair – shorter than usual, showing her small ears and dangling blue earrings, kind of ethnic but classier … moonstones maybe. ‘I shouldn’t have waited, should’ve been there sooner.’

‘And risked getting shot?’

‘Yeah.’ They said Summer died instantly, so logically it wouldn’t have made any difference. Her eyes were open but she wasn’t seeing anything. I leaned over and spoke to her. ‘I told her I was sorry.’ Did I get through? They say that hearing is the last sense to depart.

Kim waited to see if I needed to lean forward and grab a tissue.

‘No way were we alike,’ I explained. ‘Summer has
this long, blonde hair way past her shoulders. She’s real delicate.’

‘But you two clicked?’

‘Always.’

‘She sounds amazing.’

‘She is.’

‘Is?’

‘Was,’ I said.

‘You’re not the only one who misses her.’

Whenever Hannah was around, she made sure I couldn’t wallow. She’d called at my place with Jordan and Logan the day after the April Fools’ session with my therapist. It was Saturday and they’d decided I needed to get up off my ass.

‘We all miss Summer.’ Jordan made it clear. ‘That’s why we did the Christmas concert and why we plan to do another one for her anniversary.’

‘Don’t bale out again,’ Hannah warned. The three of them were sitting on my bed while I stood by the window blocking the light. Hannah was growing her blonde hair long and Summer-style; I don’t know if she knew it. Jordan was giggling and showing Logan a text on her phone, leaning in close.
Good
, I thought.
Now maybe Logan’s
attention will be off me
. Well, maybe there was a twinge of
jealousy in there somewhere, along with the relief.

‘I came to see the Christmas concert,’ I argued. ‘I just couldn’t take the pressure of standing up there and having people watch me while I played Summer’s songs.’

‘Plus, there was Phoenix,’ Logan reminded them. ‘Darina still wasn’t over him, remember.’

Mr Sympathetic.
Please concentrate on Jordan’s glossy
dark hair swinging across your cheek, her pop-princess perfume
and her fluttering lashes
.

‘OK, maybe I should cut you a little slack,’ Hannah agreed. ‘But face it, Darina, you need to get a life. Come down the mall, help me buy some shoes.’

I went, not because it was an offer I couldn’t refuse, but because I ran out of excuses. Jordan and Logan browsed CDs in
the
music store while Hannah chose shoes. I was there but not there.

The snow had melted on the driveway up to Kim’s place. Piles of the stuff were heaped to either side. Snow is ugly when it gets to this stage – the mounds look like dirty shrouds covering old corpses.

‘We could work out ways of helping you move on,’ Kim suggested at the start of our session. Today she was wearing stud earrings, not danglers, and a pearl necklace. I thought they made her look older.

My face must have been a total blank.

‘Or we could pick up where we left off last time and work through what happened with Summer.’

We could,
I thought,
but I don’t have the answers. I don’t
know who killed her – that’s why she’s back at Foxton, one of
Hunter’s Beautiful Dead.

‘If I was my friends, I would’ve given up on me,’ I told Kim out of the blue. ‘Likewise Laura and Jim.’

Her eyelids flickered. ‘They don’t give up because they
care
about you, Darina. What do you want to do here today?’

Suddenly it was on the tip of my tongue.
Summer is not
dead. And neither is Phoenix. Well, they are, but they’re the
living dead and I still see them. You could too if I took you to
Foxton and we fought our way through the barrier they set up
– the wings and other weird stuff. Except they went away after
Arizona left for the last time and so far they haven’t come
back. They will though – Phoenix and Summer will reappear
with Hunter. They have to – they’re the Beautiful Dead!

I jerked forward and gripped the arms of my chair.

‘Darina?’ Kim said.

Tell her! Let it all out, about how Hunter controls them
and reads everyone’s minds, how he brings them back here to
the far side even though they died, and he protects them and
sets up the barrier so that no one except me can get through,
and that’s only because I’m useful and because Hunter knows
I’m hooked on Phoenix. I’m their link with the far side and
no way am I supposed to share this with you!

Only, the secret is too big and it’s breaking out here in this cream-and-yellow room, with the clock ticking on the wall and Kim standing up and edging towards me to sit me up straight after I’ve gone dizzy and toppled forward against the glass-and-steel coffee table.

‘Drink some water,’ she said, offering me a glass.

Like a robot I took it and sipped. I was dizzy, I’d lost my balance, hearing what I thought was a breeze drifting in through the window. I’d looked and seen the window was closed. The breeze grew stronger and I recognized it. Wings were beating inside the room – many, many invisible wings. It was all good news.

Kim was holding my glass steady, my heart was thumping hard against my ribs. ‘Do you hear that?’ I asked.

But of course she didn’t. Only I could hear a thousand wings beating hard, telling me that the Beautiful Dead had come back.

Night still falls early at this time of year. It was already dark when I drove past the blue neon cross set against the steep hillside at Turkey Shoot Ridge.