Surrender the Dark (19 page)

He nodded. “With help from Dane, they helped me keep the farm until I was eighteen. And then I bypassed college and enlisted, intent on following in my dad’s footsteps. It was the only way I could avenge him. I
rented the farm out to an older couple who eventually bought it, made it their dream. They still live there.”

“You, Dane, and Zach. The three musketeers.”

A ghost of a smile lit his lips. “And Dane’s twin, Dara. She was the D’Artagnan of the group.”

“And they’re all still close to you.” He didn’t say anything and she added, “Or as close as anyone gets.”

“All for one and one for all,” Jarrett said quietly. “They put it on the line for me when it counted.” He looked at her, his smile fading. “Like you. I’d give my life for them. As I would for you.”

Her heart pounded at his quiet declaration. “Now I know why you’re so good at what you do.”

He looked confused. “What, at deceiving, sneaking around, and slipping into places I don’t belong?”

“No, at protecting and defending and instilling your beliefs in others so strongly that they will fight to the death for them, for you.”

He stilled for a second, then he gripped her face tightly between his hands. He rubbed his thumbs over her lips; his fingers were trembling. “But not you. You’re not going to die for me, Rae.” He leaned down and pressed a hard kiss to her mouth. “I hate this. All of it. I know why you have to do this, why I have to do this, and none of it makes a damn bit of difference to me anymore. I want you here, in one piece.” His hold on her face tightened almost painfully. “Swear to me you won’t take any unnecessary risks,” he demanded hoarsely. “Swear to me that you’ll make the drop and get the hell out.”

“I swear.”

His mouth came down on hers and there was no more talking. He turned them both and pressed her against the window. Rae tore her mouth away, inhaling roughly when he trailed ravaging kisses along her jaw, down her neck, and across her shoulder. She clutched at his head, watching the way the moon silvered his dark hair.

She gasped when he grabbed the neckline of the old T-shirt she slept in and yanked it apart. With one swift pull, he split it right down the middle. The night air was cool on her skin.

His lips and tongue were hot.

Rae’s fingers slid from his hair down over the rounded muscles of his bare shoulders. She grabbed at his biceps, pulling him in, arching her hips toward him. He stepped in between her legs, pressing hard where she most needed to feel him. She cried out against his neck when he reached down and pulled one thigh up over his hip. She dug her heel into his buttocks as he moved against her.

Then his mouth was on her again, forcing her leg to drop as he lowered himself to his knees, leaving a damp trail on her breasts and nipples and down the center of her belly. He ran his tongue over the shiny skin underlining each rib, then dipped it into her navel.

He shoved the baggy boxers riding low on her hips even lower, until they pooled at her ankles.

“Your leg,” she managed to gasp.

In answer, he cupped her buttocks and pulled her to his open mouth. His tongue went straight to the heart of her and her knees buckled. She forgot all about his injuries
as she flattened her palms against the cool glass for support.

As he drove his tongue inside her over and over, though, she had to bend forward. She tangled her fingers in his hair, half out of her mind with need, partway to the stars from the sizzling shock of his intimate possession of her.

He pushed her higher, harder, further than she’d ever imagined she could go. She hit the edge just as his fingers curved around her thighs and eased between her legs, and she convulsed against him the instant he entered her.

No longer able to stand, no longer able even to think, she slid to the floor. Jarrett’s fingers slipped from her as he pulled her under him.

She yanked at the string of his sweats, but he ripped it from her hands and pulled them down and off. As he moved over her she ran her hands across his taut buttocks and down the hard curve of the backs of his thighs. She brushed over the bandage on his leg, but was prevented from giving it another thought when she felt him press between her legs. Sinking her fingertips into the slick skin of his back, she slid her legs up until she could lock them around his waist.

She arched her back, wanting him inside her, but he just nudged her open as he suckled at her breasts and kissed the underside of her chin. Then, resting his weight on his elbows, he cradled her face in his hands and lowered his head.

“Rae, look at me.”

The things he was doing to her, making her feel,
were so overwhelming that she had to work hard to focus on his words. She opened her eyes, almost afraid of what she would see in his.

“No walls, Rae. Not this time. Not with me.”

“No,” she whispered. “Not with you. Never with you.”

He kept his gaze locked on hers as he pressed slowly, inexorably inside her. They both groaned at the possession, and Rae knew it went both ways.

When he was solidly inside her, he lowered his mouth to hers. “Come back,” he said against her lips. “Just come back.”

“I will,” she said, the last word drawn out on a long exhalation as he began to move within her.

Rae lifted her hips in response, and his measured movements swiftly increased until they were both driving at each other in a near frenzy to be closer. Her climax overtook her in a blinding rush, and she cried out as she clamped her legs tightly around him. He lifted her off the floor with one arm around her waist and held her close as he drove into her one last time.

Jarrett slid to his side and gathered her tightly against him. His still-hard length twitched and throbbed inside her; she tightened convulsively around him. For several long minutes they lay in each other’s arms, panting heavily.

Rae fought hard to center her mind, to bring rational thought back into her brain, but eventually she gave up for the comfort of his hard chest under her cheek and his strong arms around her.

She was aware enough to realize she might never know such a strong sense of protection and fulfillment ever again in her life. She held him just as tightly, willing each instant of time into a picture-perfect memory. Another moment of time with him to bring back whenever she needed it.

He raked the damp hair from her face and kissed her temple. “Rae.”

She looked up at him, hearing the concern in his voice. “Mmm?” she said, still incapable of actual speech.

“This is a hell of a time to bring this up,” he said, “but we didn’t use anything, Rae. Either time.”

She knew that. She’d realized it shortly after the first time, but had purposely not brought it up. Why? Because the thought of bearing his child was so precious? “I know. It isn’t the right time,” she said honestly. Maybe that was why she hadn’t forced the issue, she told herself, knowing it wasn’t true even as she thought it.

“If anything—”

She kissed him into silence. “It won’t.”

He pulled back. “You’d tell me, wouldn’t you?”

She bit down hard on the automatic cry that sprang to her lips.
Oh God, he really isn’t going to be here when I get back
. She knew that, had known that all along. But for the first time she really
felt
the reality of it.

She ran her fingertips over the hard planes of his face and across his lower lip. He kissed them. She lost the battle and two tears slid from her eyes. “I’d tell you.”

And she shamelessly whispered a silent prayer for a miracle, knowing it would take more than that to bring
him back to her. To find a place for him in her life. Because there was no place for her in his.

With a quiet desperation, she slowly pulled away from him. It hurt, physically, in the pit of her stomach. And oh so much worse, in her heart.

He didn’t move. She gathered her clothes, knowing Zach would arrive soon, knowing she had to put all this behind her and concentrate on the task ahead. Concentrate on the mission, on coming out whole, coming back to pick up with her life. Though Jarrett wouldn’t be here with her to lean on, to trust, to share any of it with.

It was the hardest damn thing she’d ever done. So hard in fact, it was impossible.

And any hope she might have had was crushed ruthlessly with his next words.

“Rae, if you ever need anything, anything—”

Oh hell, she thought, the pain in her chest so real, she thought she might die.
Don’t do this to me
, she wanted to beg.
Not now
. “I won’t,” she managed to say.

“For the rest of your life, Rae,” he pressed on, “there will always be someone who cares what happens to you besides yourself. There will always be me, a phone call away. Anywhere, anytime.”

The knot in her throat was so large she actually started to choke on it. Panic rose within her, scaring her so badly she scrambled to her feet.

Why did he have to do this? Didn’t he know he was killing her? She should have never let her walls down, never let herself want him. She stumbled to the couch and tossed her shorts and torn shirt down, then pulled the sheets into a bunched knot in her arms.

Tears coursed down her cheeks as she grabbed her pillow. She should never have let herself love him.

But God help her, she did. And always would. And she doubted she’d ever be convinced that it was wrong.

Jarrett knew he had to get up, but he couldn’t seem to make himself move. Even after Rae had left the room and he heard the shower come on, he sat and looked out the window.

He swore long and fluently under his breath. Why in the hell hadn’t he kept his mouth shut? He’d managed before, but somehow, this time, the words had just rushed out. He let his head drop, acknowledging the dull ache in his ribs and shoulder and the steady throb in his thigh. None matched the crushing pain in his chest.

He hadn’t meant to make love to her again. Hell, he hadn’t meant to come anywhere near her until Zach arrived. But when he’d given up on any hope of sleep, he’d gotten up to go to the bathroom, but somehow he’d ended up in the living room.

Even then he’d convinced himself he only wanted to watch over her. To protect her for the short time he still could. As the minutes had turned to hours, though, he’d come to realize just how badly he wanted the right to watch over her every night. For the rest of his life.

He’d thought about how genderless she’d been to him when she’d worked for him, so scrupulously had she controlled every facet of herself. As had he. He’d respected it then, admired her for it.

But now … Now he couldn’t see her as anything
but a woman. One he wanted with a desperation and a depth that was blind to reality and fact. He knew her body, mind, and soul, and he understood that the last thing she needed was to learn how to shut down again. Yet that was exactly what he was helping her do by sending her back out there.

What she needed was to be with people, to allow herself to live, to love, despite the risk. The care she gave him, the care she gave the wolf pup, went deeper than her need to heal old wounds and erase the memories of pain.

He pressed his fingers against his suddenly throbbing forehead, then raked them through his hair in disgust. He stood slowly, pulling on his sweats, then collected the pillows she’d moved to the chair and tossed them back onto the couch.

No, he shouldn’t have said anything. No matter how much it pained him to keep it inside and let her go off not knowing, he should have kept silent. He’d regret adding that burden to her for a long, long time, especially when he needed so badly to be the one to ease it.

But he wouldn’t regret making love to her one last time. He had few honest moments, few simple truths, in his life. His decision to become a courier the day his father had died was one. Rae was another. No matter what happened, no matter how intensely selfish, he’d never regret the time he’d spent here, with her.

He wanted to go to her now. The need was so strong that he sat and held tightly to the edges of the couch. He gripped the cushion so hard his knuckles hurt.

Focus, he told himself. Focus.

Soft, even footsteps sounded behind him. He forced his grip to relax, not needing to turn to know who it was.

“Hello, Zach.”

Jarrett stood and turned to greet his friend.

Zach took one look at him and grinned broadly. “Man, you look like hell.”

“I feel about ten levels below that right about now.”

Zach’s face registered momentary surprise as if he hadn’t expected the casual admission, and this reaction from an old friend caught Jarrett up short.
Was
he so closed off from everyone? he asked himself. Even Zach?

“Everything’s set,” Zach said. “The chopper’s on the other side of the ridge, about a half mile from here. We’ll lift off before first light and make the transfer to the cargo plane on the eastern shore before six. I’ll drop her in two miles from the Bhajul border.”

Jarrett walked over to him. “Just make sure Rae gets in covered and back out. If anything goes wrong, Zach, anything, notify me immediately.”

Zach looked at him for a long moment, then said,
“I’ll have her there in one and out in three. She’ll be back here in less than a week.”

“Thanks, Zach. I owe you for this.”

Zach continued to regard him steadily. Despite Zach’s easy charm, Jarrett knew his friend paid close attention to even the smallest detail in planning. It was what brought his clients back for return trips time and again.

His look of concern faded as he broke into one of his wide, natural smiles. “You don’t owe me. Remember the time we first met? I’d climbed up to the top of old Prune-face Prubody’s prize pear tree to get Dane’s model airplane out and broke off one of the branches?”

“Which just happened to crash right through one of her stained-glass windows,” Jarrett finished. “Yeah, I remember.”

“And you were working out back, mowing her grass and doing yard work and caught me.”

Jarrett shrugged, not sure why this was making him uncomfortable. Maybe because such reminiscing felt good, and he was so accustomed to removing himself from situations that tempted him to want more. “It was an accident,” he said.