Surrogate and Wife (15 page)

W
ith his heart pounding and fear choking him, Jake rushed to the hospital.

Nine hours too late.

Guilt tore at him as he ran through the hospital halls to labor and delivery. He'd told Kate he'd be there if she needed him. He'd sworn it. She'd just begun to trust him, and now this?

She'd needed him—their baby needed him—and where was he? At work. Up in the far reaches of the county. Out of cell phone range.

And now he was the last to make it to the hospital. By the time he found her room, Beth and Stew were already inside and Kate was nowhere in sight.

“Where is she?” Jake asked frantically.

Beth sat curled in a chair on the far side of the empty hospital bed, her head tipped back and her eyes closed. Stew, who sat in the only other chair in the room, stood
and crossed to his side. Nodding toward the bathroom door, he whispered, “Taking a shower. The doctor gave her permission after dinner. She was having trouble relaxing.”

“Is she—” The words caught in his throat. Nearly an hour had passed since he got her voice-mail message, his fear multiplying with every passing minute. He cleared his throat and started again. “She's okay?”

Stew nodded. In his eyes was a mixture of sympathy and censure. “The on-call doctor says she'll be fine. The baby, too.” The censure seemed to win out, and he asked, “Man, where were you?”

All the disapproval in the world couldn't make him feel any worse than he already did. “I came as soon as I got the message. But I was out of cell phone range all day. I tried calling Kate's cell as soon as I got the message, but—”

“The nurse made her turn it off,” Stew finished for him. “Something about the equipment.” He nodded his understanding but didn't really look any more convinced of Jake's innocence than Jake felt. “Anyway, now that you're here, I'm going to take Beth home. It's been a long day.”

A few minutes later Stew led a sleepy Beth from the room. Her expression was even less forgiving than Stew's had been. Jake could only imagine how Kate would react to him finally getting here.

But it didn't matter. She was safe. The baby was safe. She could be furious enough to throw things at him. As long as she was safe, he'd happily take it.

After only a few minutes of pacing, he heard the click of the bathroom door opening behind him.

He spun around to see Kate framed in the doorway. She was wrapped in her bathrobe, her hair clipped high on her head a few damp tendrils trailing her neck.

Something inside of him seemed to break at the sight of her. He didn't even try to restrain his urge to
hold her, but rushed across the room and pulled her into his arms.

“Oh, God, I was so worried.” He pressed a quick kiss to her lips before pressing his cheek to hers. “I've never been so worried in my whole life. But Stew said the doctor said you and the baby would be okay.”

Only then did he realize how stiff she felt in his arms. It was like holding a stranger, rather than holding his wife. He pulled back to search her face.

“You
are
going to be okay, aren't you? The doctor—”

“We're fine.” She pulled away from him and walked around him. “The doctor wants to keep me here overnight. Just to keep an eye on me. But the baby should be just fine.” Clutching the robe tightly across her chest like a shield of armor, she sat on the edge of the bed.

Seeing her, alive and apparently healthy, did little to ease his anxiety. He needed to keep touching her. He crossed to the chair Beth had vacated and laid his hand on Kate's knee. “Oh, Katie, I'm so sorry I wasn't here. I just got your first message—” he glanced at his watch “—about an hour ago.”

“It's fine.” She moved her knee from under his hand and swung her legs onto the bed.

“There was a fire outside of Jarrell. It looks like someone started it to cover up a homicide. We were up there all day. Out of cell phone range.”

“It's fine,” she repeated.

But when he reached for her hand, she slid it under the blanket. Further proof that it was, in fact, not at all fine.

“Katie, if I'd known, I would have been here hours ago. I just didn't get the message.”

Finally she looked at him. The sparkle that normally lit her eyes had faded. “Don't worry about it. Kevin was with me.”

Now that he thought about it, the first of the phone calls had been from Kevin. He didn't know if he should be thankful that Kevin had been there for Kate, or jealous as hell.

Next time, Jake vowed, she wouldn't have to depend on anyone else but him.

“From now on, I want you to carry the dispatch number with you at all times. They can reach me when my phone is out of range.”

“That's not necessary. You don't have to be at my beck and call.”

The chilly tone in her voice made him almost as nervous as all the don't-touch-me signals. “Yes, I do. That was the point of us getting married. So I could be here if you needed me.”

“No, the point of us getting married was to protect my job.”

Maybe he had that coming. After all, he didn't mention that mere days ago he'd asked her to stay married to him for the baby, and for love.

“I thought we agreed things are different now.”

She continued as if he'd said nothing, “While we're on the subject of my career, we don't really need to worry about me losing my job anymore.”

Unsure where she was going with this, he said, “That's good. But why?”

“The McCain case will have to be reassigned to someone else. And even Judge Hatcher wouldn't fire someone on medical leave. He wouldn't get much political mileage out of that. And by the time I'm back at work—”

“Whoa. What do you mean medical leave?”

“The doctor wants me on bed rest. Probably only for a few weeks, but possibly for the rest of the pregnancy.
He's got me on terbutaline, too, to stop the contractions but wants me to stay off my feet.”

He sank back against the chair. “You said you and the baby were okay.”

“We are okay. And between the bed rest and the terbutaline there's no reason why I can't carry to term.”

“But there's a possibility you'll require bed remainder for the rest of the pregnancy?”

“Worst case scenario, yes.”

“But that's like four months.”

“Which is exactly why I asked to be taken off the McCain case. It wouldn't be fair to have them wait.”

“I'm not worried about the case. I'm worried about you.” Again he tried to take her hand. Again she pulled away from him. “Your work is important to you. Are you going to be okay with this?”

She gave a faint little laugh, with just a hint of sorrow in it. When she met his gaze, her expression seemed resigned rather than sad.

“Funny, work just doesn't seem as important as it used to.”

Even though she obviously didn't want to be touched just now, he couldn't resist brushing her hair from her forehead and pressing a kiss to the spot of skin he'd bared.

“We'll get through this, Katie. I can take time off, if I need to. Or we can hire someone to stay with you during the day. Or—”

“No, Jake. That's what I've been trying to tell you. We don't need to get through anything.”

His gut seemed to drop about a foot. “What are you saying?”

This time, her expression was emotionless. “There's no reason for us to be together anymore, Jake.”

“Katie—”

“We got married to save my job. But my job isn't an issue anymore.”

“What about us?”

“There never really was an ‘us.'”

“No. I don't believe that.” Unable to just sit there listening to this, he stood and paced to the windows that lined the far wall of the room. “We were going to try to make this work.” He turned around, searching her face for any sign that this was tearing her apart as much as it was him. “We were going to be a family.”

“I know. I'm sorry,” she said, looking away. The breaking of her voice over the word
sorry
was the only sign she felt anything at all.

“No.” He paced back to her. Gripping her chin between his thumb and forefinger, he forced her to meet his gaze again. “Sorry isn't good enough. Talk to me. Why are you doing this?”

“I just think that—”

She yanked her chin from his grasp and twisted to stare blankly at the closed door. She seemed to be struggling, either for words or for the strength to say them. Without meeting his gaze, she continued, “I'm not the woman you want.”

“That's ridiculous. I—”

“No, it's not.” Her eyes slowly filled with tears. “You only married me because you thought it was the right thing to do. You said so yourself. You want some woman you can take care of and protect. Who you can be a hero to. But I'm not that woman.”

He couldn't stand to watch her cry. To watch strong, brave, independent Katie cry. “You're wrong, Katie. I don't want some woman I can protect.”

“Lisa said—”

“Damn it, forget what Lisa said. Lisa doesn't know what I want in a wife.”

“Are you sure
you
know?”

“Look, maybe I did used to date women who are different from you. But what does that have to do with anything? I don't want to be married to some woman who expects me to save her. Why would I want that? That's the kind of relationship my parents had and it didn't work out for them. The only woman I want is you.”

Somehow, he thought if he just kept talking, he'd find the right words. He'd say whatever it was she needed to hear to convince her. But she was slowly shaking her head.

“No, you don't. You want someone who will be a good mother. Someone who—”

“Katie, you'll be a great mother.” She shook her head, but he didn't give her a chance to protest. “Is that what this is about? That somehow you're afraid you won't be a good mother?”

“I just don't have the instincts to be a good mother. I certainly don't have the genetics for it.”

“Being a good mother is more than—”

“Today, when I felt the first labor pains, I almost didn't come to the hospital. I wouldn't have on my own. I was going to try to go to court, but Kevin found me in the hall and made me come in. The doctor said—” Her voice broke and she had to struggle to regain control. “The doctor said I got here just in time. If I'd waited much longer, it might have been too late.”

The anguish in her voice tore at his heart. Damn it, he didn't care if she didn't want to be held. He sat on the edge of her bed and pulled her into his arms, cradling her head against his shoulder. To his surprise, she let him. “But you didn't wait. You came at the right time.”

“Only because Kevin was there.” She sucked in a
deep breath and all but sobbed against his shoulder. “I was just so afraid. I didn't want anything to be wrong. I never want to be that afraid again.”

He pulled back to search her face. “So this is about you not wanting to be afraid?”

“Before all of this, I was so in control. I knew exactly what I wanted out of life. I had it all planned and everything was working out just the way I wanted it to, and now…”

“And now what?”

“And now, I just don't know anymore. But I do know I never want to go through anything like that again.”

He had no idea what might calm her fears. Or even if there was anything he could say. “All I know is that I love you. I can't promise you'll never be that afraid again. I can't promise that things even worse than this won't happen further down the road. But I believe we can get through anything together. If you really trusted me, Kate, you'd believe me.”

I
t was near dawn and the sounds of the waking hospital were filtering through the thick wooden door. Kate lay in bed, propped up on the raised back, watching Jake sleep, in a nearby chair.

She'd begged him to go home, but he'd refused. She knew how tired he must be.

He'd had a long day at work, followed by the stressful drive to the hospital, the fear for the baby, and then dealing with her hysteria.

Her mind flashed back to the heightened emotions of the day before. Desperately wanting Jake to be there with her. Needing him. Waiting for him. Sure he'd arrive any minute.

But then minutes passed into hours, followed by the heartbreaking disappointment of knowing that—despite his promises—he wasn't there when she needed him.

She understood now why he'd been so late. She
couldn't blame him for it. He had no control over cell phone towers or spotty service areas.

Still, she never wanted to feel that way again. So desperate to be with someone she loved. So afraid he wouldn't be there someday.

No, it was better—much better—to end things now.

Shoving aside her grim thoughts, she searched for something to occupy her mind. She didn't want to wake Jake, so TV was out of the question. She flicked on the small reading light beside her bed. Jake didn't stir. As quietly as she could, she crawled from the bed to retrieve her briefcase from the corner of the room. Surely there was something inside she could read.

The only folder inside contained her notes from the McCain case. She'd read them before. There was really no reason to reread them. Certainly not now that she'd be removed from the case.

And yet, when she returned to bed, she flipped through the pages with a sort of morbid curiosity. Now that she wasn't presiding over the case, she allowed herself to become emotionally involved in the unfolding story in a way she hadn't the previous time she read it.

The McCain divorce wasn't that different from any other she'd presided over in her years on the bench. The couple had married young, had a few children, whom they both seemed devoted to. Success and wealth had taken their toll on their relationship, but there was tragedy, as well. No two people climbed the ladder of success at the same rate, so their competitive natures strained their relationship. The poor health of their youngest child seemed to be the straw that broke their relationship.

In the end they simply hadn't loved each other enough to weather life's disappointments.

For the first time in her career, Kate was looking at
a case not from a professional point of view, when she'd have to decide who was responsible for what and divvy up any assets or children. Instead, she found herself wondering: if the McCains could do it all over again, would they? Was whatever joy their relationship had brought them worth the heartache they were living through now?

She had no way of knowing. And yet… She knew the statistics as well as anyone. Nearly fifty percent of all marriages ended in divorce. She also knew that many of those people married a second or even a third time. Even after living through a tough divorce, most people were willing to risk getting hurt again. Apparently even those people who'd been hurt the worst by love were willing to try again.

So why couldn't she?

She looked over at the chair where Jake was sleeping.

All this time, she'd thought she was being so smart for trying to protect her heart. Now she couldn't help wondering, was she smart or merely a coward?

Hadn't she told Jake she would try to trust him? And yet, at the first opportunity, she'd doubted him and pushed him away.

She'd always thought of herself as so fair, but she hadn't been fair to him at all. She hadn't been honest, either. She'd never even told him she loved him.

Almost as if he sensed her watching him, Jake slowly opened his eyes. It seemed to take him a moment to focus on her face. She quickly looked away, hoping he hadn't seen in her gaze how disconcerted she felt.

He moved to her side. “How do you feel?”

Nervous, confused. “Fine,” she said aloud. “Just fine.”

“You slept okay?”

She forced a bright smile. “Great.”

“Despite the fact that you were up before six doing work?”

She tried not to look too guilty as she shoved the incriminating files back into her briefcase. “Okay. Not great. But good enough.”

There was no way he'd get her to admit how much she'd missed having him in the bed with her. How tempted she'd been to wake him in the night and ask him to just lie beside her. No, if she couldn't sleep without his arm draped across her stomach or nestling her breast, then that was her problem.

Since he seemed to be waiting for her to speak, she added, “It's a strange room, and…”

“And you were worried,” he finished for her.

“Yes.” Though
worried
barely began to describe her mess of emotions.
Worried
was just the tip of the iceberg.

Before she could say more, there was a knock on the door. Without waiting for a response, a nurse swung open the door and rolled in a sonogram machine on a squeaky cart.

“Oh, good, you're up already,” chirped the nurse, as if the sound of all that equipment being wheeled in wouldn't have woken them if they hadn't been. “That makes this easier.”

Kate had spent most of the previous day being poked, prodded and generally provoked. So she was already used to having no privacy.

Jake, however, crossed his arms over his chest and scowled at the woman. “Is this really necessary at this hour?”

“Absolutely.” Nurse Cheerful smiled sweetly. “Just as soon as we get a good sonogram, we'll do some pa
perwork, and have her ready to go when the doctor stops by to do one last check.”

“But—”

Kate gently grabbed Jake's arm. “It's okay. They only wanted to keep me overnight. My doctor will continue to monitor my condition.”

Before he could protest more, Nurse Cheerful had whipped aside Kate's gown and was squirting cold blue gel all over her belly.

Since this was her fourth sonogram, Kate was familiar with the process. Blue gel on her belly plus the plastic wedge-shaped wand equaled cool black-and-white shots of the baby.

No matter how aloof she tried to remain, she couldn't help but feel a jolt of excitement every time she caught a glimpse of the baby's face or a delicate hand opening and closing. Today was no different. Except today, Jake was with her.

Nurse Cheerful flipped on the machine and unceremoniously began rubbing the wand over Kate's bared belly. As she worked, the nurse rattled off a series of questions: Have you felt the baby moving today? Have you felt any more contractions?

Kate answered without really paying attention. She kept glancing from the sonogram monitor to Jake. She hardly knew which brought her greater joy—the flickering images of their baby or the expression of absolute awe on Jake's face.

At first he could only stare in openmouthed wonderment. Then finally he murmured, “My God.”

She couldn't help smiling a bit at his open amazement. It so completely reflected how she felt. Without even considering the consequences, she slipped her hand into his and gave it a squeeze.

He pulled his gaze away from the monitor for a second to stare at her, but a flicker of movement on the screen snagged his attention.

“Is that a hand?”

The nurse moved the wand to home in on the tiny hand. “Yup. And she's moving her fingers. That's a good sign.” She moved the wand and the hand slipped out of focus. The image on the screen shifted to include a roundish black splotch, which was divided in two and twitching rapidly. “Heartbeat's nice and strong. Give me a minute and I'll have her heart rate for you.”

“That's her heart,” Jake mused, squeezing Kate's hand. “That's her beating heart.”

Kate tore her gaze from Jake's face to watch the screen. It didn't look like much, but somehow it was one of the most beautiful things she'd ever seen. Their baby was alive and healthy despite all she'd been through.

“Her heart rate is 142. That's good. Pretty relaxed for the day she had yesterday. Looks like you've got a pretty tough little girl on your hands. She's a strong one.”

Jake's gaze jerked to the nurse's face. “It's a girl?”

Instantly the nurse turned red. “You kept referring to her as ‘her.' I assumed you knew.”

“No.” Then Jake pinned Kate with a stare. “Did you know?”

“No. But I kind of had a gut feeling, remember?”

Again, Jake squeezed her hand. “Yeah. I remember.”

The nurse seemed to recover quickly from her faux pas. “Well, your baby girl certainly seems healthy. The doctor will review this when he gets in. Otherwise, I think we're about done here.”

Before Nurse Cheerful could hustle off, Jake stopped her. “Can we see her face?”

The nurse shot him an odd look.

“I haven't been to any of the other sonograms,” Jake explained.

Understanding dawned and the nurse went to work searching for a good view of their little girl's face.

As she watched Jake, Kate felt guilt burgeoning within her. She'd had the first sonogram at seven weeks—long before Beth and Stew dropped their bomb-shell—to confirm the viability of the pregnancy. At that sonogram, Beth and Stew had been with her and it had never occurred to anyone that Jake might be interested in attending. As soon as she'd arrived at the hospital yesterday, she'd had a sonogram to make sure the baby was okay, but he hadn't been there for that one, either.

At eighteen weeks, she'd had a routine anatomy sonogram. She purposely hadn't mentioned it to him. Having him come to doctor's appointments with her seemed entirely too intimate. Too much like what real married couples expecting a baby did.

Now she realized what her defensiveness had deprived him of. An irreplaceable opportunity to see the child he'd helped to create. A child who'd always been his to keep.

His hand was warm and strong around hers. Each time he tightened his grip on her hand, she felt a complementary tightening around her heart.

She looked from his face to the gray-scale face on the screen. The baby opened her mouth to yawn, then curled her tiny fist up to her mouth and popped her thumb inside.

As she sat there, watching her husband watch their daughter sucking her thumb, Kate realized the horrible answer to her question. She was a coward.

But she didn't want to be one anymore.