Tales From a Broad (12 page)

I was having a magical moment of my own. It
was so nice to see my niece expanding her horizons. At that moment,
I was so glad we’d taken the trip together.

“Now, here’s where things took a turn. I had
bought a crepe at this stand back by the hotel. You know, one of
those yummy thin pancakes they stuff with Nutella and fruit spread.
Mmm! I carried it around for hours and ripped into that bad boy
like it was my j-o-b after I finished the steps. When I went to
reach into my bag for a napkin, there was nothing there. Some creep
must have swiped it, from right under my nose. My wallet was
gone!”

“Wait. You mean to tell me someone took your
money? Why didn’t you call me? We have to call the bank.” My mind
immediately went into protective overdrive. Morgan would kill me if
Tess lost money, or worse, had her identity stolen on this
trip.

“It wasn’t so bad. You have all of my credit
cards,” Tess reminded me in an accusatory tone.

“Oh. Right,” I said with a grimace. On our
way out the night before in Amsterdam, she had wanted to leave her
credit cards in the hostel. I had insisted on holding them for her
and forgotten to give them back.

“Well, I guess it worked out for the best,
didn’t it? Maybe you’ll remember that next time you question your
older and wiser aunt’s decisions,” I teased and sighed in relief
that I wasn’t going to have to tell my older-but-never-wiser sister
I had put her daughter’s financial future in jeopardy.

“Don’t be. Talk about a happy accident ...
Anyway, I went from floating to freaking. How would I find my way
back to the hotel without speaking any French? My map was totally
gone.”

“So, what did you do?” My heart was in my
throat. I had to remind myself she was fine. After all, she was
sitting right in front of me telling the story.

“What did I do? I planned to take the
Montmartre Funicular back down, but without any money, I had to
drag my sorry ass back down the 234 steps. By the time I got to the
bottom, I probably looked like a sweaty beggar as I walked past the
cafés, searching for a friendly face. I felt someone staring at me
and looked to my right where I locked eyes with a very attractive
man. We’re talking Chace Crawford handsome.”

“Who?”

Tess paused for a moment and looked at me in
disbelief. “We’ll get to that later. Anyway, the guy was leaning
against the wall of a café, and I knew right then and there I’d
discovered the hottest piece of French bread in all of Paris. So, I
walked right up to him.” With that, Tess covered her mouth in mock
horror.

I laughed out loud. “Only you.” I shook my
head. “Did he work there?”

“Yes. He had the whole black pants, black
shirt thing going on, the red apron tied around his waist—in fact,
he actually wiped his hands on it. I think I made his hands sweat,”
she said in amazement. Tess stood up and I couldn’t help but notice
how awesome her legs looked in the jean shorts she was wearing.

“Gee, you think?” I said.

A blush crept across her face. “I told him I
was lost and asked if I could trouble him for a glass of water.
That’s when he led me into the café. He disappeared behind the
counter and held up two bottles. ‘You like sparkling or flat?’ he
said in a very sexy French accent. This is where I almost had a
panic attack. Aunt Lu, I had no money!”

“What did you say?” I cringed.

Tess walked off towards the closet. “I told
him that I had no money and was hoping for tap. He looked so
confused. It may have seriously been the most humiliating moment of
my life. He had no clue what I was talking about. I had to point to
the sink.”

I watched her take the ironing board from the
closet and wondered if I would have to put on a dress tonight, too.
She plugged the iron into the wall and plopped on her bed.

“Then he was actually relieved. He thought I
wanted him to do a dance!” Tess laughed. She folded her legs into a
cross-legged position and hugged a pillow on her lap.

“He practically threw the two bottles at me.
Then, oh my God, you’re
not
going to believe this one.” Tess
buried her head into the pillow and giggled.

I was really enjoying her little show and sat
on the edge of the bed for more.

“He went over to his tip cup and pulled money
from it. Aunt Lu, it was as if I were watching a train wreck. He
set the money down and proceeded to fill a bag with baguettes. He
truly thought I was a homeless woman.”

Tess and I both started to laugh
simultaneously.

“Nooooo!” I yelled.

“YES. At that point, I was
hanging
over the counter, basically contorting my body into a pretzel, just
so I could have him see me through the bread displays. I pretty
much had to shout, ‘I’m not looking for money ... or food!’ I told
him that I just needed directions to get back to our hotel. When I
said ‘
Le Palais
,’ he was all like, ‘
Tres
fancy.
Clearly you don’t need my little tips,’” Tess said in her best
French impersonation.

“He was joking, but as he stuffed the money
back into the jar, he kind of looked ashamed. I told him how the
hotel was a gift from you and we were just taking a break from
hostelling.”

I looked at Tess and sighed. I affectionately
caressed the hotel’s plush robe. “I’d like to think we are taking
more than just a break. Once you go hotel, you never go back.”

“This is pretty nice,” Tess nodded. “Anyway,
he asked me to go out tonight. See the city as a local. He’s
picking me up in an hour.” She began to twirl her hair, a nervous
habit she’d had ever since she was a little girl. “Is that
okay?”

What was I supposed to say? I knew Morgan
would kill me if anything happened to her, but I also couldn’t tell
a twenty-four-year-old what to do. “Well, do you think he’s normal?
I hate the thought of you out with some random French guy. What do
we know about him?”

“Nothing,” Tess admitted.

I massaged my temples. “Oh, that’s
reassuring.”

“But his dad owns the café, so you’ll know
where to find him if anything happens to me,” she offered. She got
off the bed and walked back towards the ironing board.

“Tess! Don’t even say that. Promise me you
will stay in public places.” My voice sounded just like
Morgan’s.

“I promise.”

“Remember, you don’t owe him anything.”

“I know,” she sang. “My mom would say the
same thing.” She picked up the iron.

“Now, what happened with Mark? You mentioned
his name before.”

“Oh. This is where I question if I’m doing
the right thing by going out on the date. I ran into him on my way
back to the hotel. He had gone sightseeing with Chaz, but
apparently Chaz wanted to stay behind at Pere Lachaise Cemetery.
Seems he wanted to spend the day mourning the loss of Jim
Morrison.” She rolled his eyes. “You know, since they were so close
and all.”

I bit my lip to keep from laughing. That Chaz
was something else.

“We ended up walking around, and Mark totally
opened up about his relationship. Lately, things haven’t been
working out so well, and they’re at a major crossroads, too. Jen,
that’s her name,” she said with her nose crunched, “wants to meet
up with him at some point on this trip, but he’s not sure he even
wants that.”

“Interesting.” I made a mental note to ask
Simon about their situation the next time we bumped into each
other.

“He actually asked me if I wanted to have
dinner with him tonight too. I kind of wanted to cancel on Pierre,
but I felt bad, especially after he had been so nice to me. I told
him I had a date with a guy I had met earlier.”

“Good girl.” I nodded in approval.

“He seemed kind of surprised, but was pretty
cool about it. Do you really think I did the right thing? I mean,
Mark does have a girlfriend who might be meeting up with him, for
God’s sake. I don’t need to date anyone who’s confused, even if
he’s totally awesome, right? Ugh.” All of a sudden Tess looked
absolutely tortured.

“Right. Mark is a great guy, but I don’t want
you to fall for someone who has a girlfriend. Nor do I want you to
fall for a Frenchman and move to Paris. Your mother would kill
me.”

I remembered the conversation we had the day
before in the Amsterdam diner and clenched my fists. “Just have fun
tonight,” I said with authority. “Remember, we’re here for new
experiences.”

“Aunt Lu, why am I suddenly attracted to
multiple men? This is so unlike me.”

“And it’s like me to encourage you to date a
stranger?” I laughed. “Enjoy it. You’ve been in a relationship for
a long time. It’s totally normal,” I reassured. “I wish I had your
problems.”

Tess frowned. “Do you mind that I’m going? I
feel bad leaving you alone.”

“Don’t be silly! I was only joking. Do I look
like I’m in any rush to part with this robe?”

Tess looked me up and down and smiled. “No.
You did change out of the robe today, right? It’s pretty much all
I’ve seen you wear since we’ve come to Paris.”

“Yes, and it was hell getting out of it.” I
nestled my cheek against the soft fabric. “I didn’t think it would
go over so well at the vineyard.”

“Speaking of that, tell me about your day.
What was it like to be a grape picker?”

“Draining and staining.” I wiggled my
purple-stained fingers and then pointed towards the bathroom. “Go
get ready. I’ll fill you in on my day later.”

Tess smiled in anticipation. “You’re the
best, Aunt Lu!” She skipped off to take a shower.

The water turned on as I sat back and kicked
my feet onto the bed. A feeling of contentment washed over me,
something I hadn’t felt in a really long time. I didn’t have my
usual feeling of doom and gloom.

I looked forward to living vicariously
through Tess that night, but since she wouldn’t be home for hours,
I needed to pick someone else’s adventures to live through. I
picked up the remote and scrolled through the in-room movie
selections. I decided I was finally in the mood for a little
romance.

Chapter
Six

The Eiffel Tower and a bottle of red.
Feeling oh-so-French!

Facebook Status June 9 at 8:00pm

I picked my phone off the nightstand and
sent Tess a text.

How r things?

She responded immediately.

Just buckling up on a scooter. Imagine me,
cruising on the back of a Vespa!

My reply:

Remember—safety first & hair second.
Wear a helmet!

I felt bad for checking up on her, but I
knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if anything happened to
her.

I placed my phone on the nightstand next to
the bed and couldn’t help but feel a stab of envy. I could just
picture Tess, riding off into the sunset, her long hair flowing out
from beneath the helmet that I prayed to God she’d worn. Blessed
with perfect tresses, Tess wasn’t one to obsess about her hair, so
hopefully tonight would be no exception. Besides, she had looked
beautiful enough for a little hair flattening to go unnoticed.

She’d been so excited for her date. When the
clock struck seven, she had pretty much skipped to the door.

“I feel like Cinderella going to the ball.
Are you sure I look okay?”

“Honey, you look more than okay.” I
smiled.

Together, we had pieced together the perfect
date night outfit for a Saturday dinner in Paris. She wore an
off-white strapless cotton eyelet dress, my new Burberry sandals,
and a handful of gold bangles she’d bought this afternoon, before
she’d lost her wallet.

Tess raised her shoulders and smiled. “Well,
here goes. Don’t wait up.”

She walked past the dresser and did a double
take when she spotted a long gold chain hanging from a knob on one
of the drawers. She gently took it off, and I watched her unhook
the clasp, and wrap the chain around her waist.

“Oh, I’m waiting up, alright.” I cast aside
the magazine sitting on my lap. “How could I sleep knowing you are
out God knows where with God knows who?” Up until then I’d been
playing it cool, but I could no longer hide the concern that had
slowly crept up on me.

“Aunt Lu, I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

I looked at her makeshift belt and nodded.
“Nice.”

“Merci
.” Tess curtsied and put her
hand on the doorknob.

“Wait, just a minute.” I sat up in bed with
a start and readjusted my robe. “Where are you going?” I sounded
like the wicked stepmother.

“Um, to meet Pierre,” she said in a
condescending tone. I almost expected her to follow her words with
a loud, “
Duh!
”

“He’s not coming to the room? What kind of
gentleman is that?” I hated him already.

“What kind of lady has a stranger pick her
up in her hotel room?” Tess crossed her arms like a defiant
teenager.

She had a point. I couldn’t argue that
one.

“Besides, he
is
coming to pick me up.
We’re meeting down in the lobby.”

Okay, so maybe he was a gentleman, but I
still wasn’t completely satisfied. It looked as if I had no
choice.

“Well, then I’m coming with you.” I swung my
legs off the bed. It was time to part with the damn robe.

“Aunt Lucy, I’m not two.
Please
.”
Tess clasped her hands together and held them in front of her.
“What would I say? Uh, Pierre, this is my aunt. She needed to scope
you out to make sure you didn’t look like a serial killer?” She
looked at me and rolled her eyes. “That’s
so
embarrassing.”

“Okay, fine. Then I’ll follow you down to
the lobby. Just in case I have to identify him to the police.
Please, Tess. Humor me.”

“Fine,” she groaned. “Promise me you’ll stay
far behind.”

“I promise. Just give me one sec.”

Tess sighed as I hobbled over to the
bathroom. I quickly threw on black leggings and a faded tank top
hanging behind the door. Because I’d been washing my clothes
somewhat half-assed at a Laundromat, the off-white tank had become
more of a very off-white.