Tales From a Broad (15 page)

Simon opened his mouth to speak and quickly
shut it, pressing his lips together. “You know what? The beauty of
an ex is that his issues are no longer yours.” He reached across
the table and tapped his buttery slice against mine.

I looked Simon in the eyes and took a
revengeful bite. He laughed and playfully tapped my foot under the
table as he glanced down at the paper menu.

“The French sure know how to do it,” I
murmured, swallowing the monster bite I had been chewing. “I pick
and choose my battles, and I refuse to pass up their butter. I’ll
have something that is starred low vat to offset the damage.”

Simon paused with the bread to his lips.
“Did you say low vat?”

I sat up a little straighter in my seat.
“Yes I did. See? You’re not the only one who can find your way
around a French restaurant.” I picked up the menu and gave it a
quick scan.

Simon glanced at his menu and began to read
aloud. “Items that are starred indicate low vat. Is that what
you’re talking about? The lentils?”

“Oui
.” I tossed my hair over my
shoulder and took another bite. “They were starred at last night’s
restaurant, too.”

The corners of Simon’s mouth twitched as he
placed the menu down. “Um, Lucy, VAT means Value Added Tax. It’s
like a sales tax.”

I felt like the bread had suddenly lodged
its way into my esophagus. I took a sip of water and wished it were
the wine we had ordered. “Are you sure?”

Simon held up a hand in oath. “One hundred
percent.”

I sunk back into my chair. “Do you mean to
tell me I’ve been eating lentils for nothing? I don’t even like
lentils. Fuck, is all I can say.”

“I think you meant to say ... vuck?”

I closed my eyes in shame and rubbed my eye
sockets.

Simon gently tapped my foot under the table
with his. “You are so cute, Lucy.”

I peered at Simon through open fingers.
“Cute?”

“Yes. Especially that first time I spotted
you in London on your mad quest for a charger.” He sighed and
omitted a slight chuckle.

“Let’s not go there.” I slid my fingers down
my face. If Simon’s foreign tongue added a few years to his age,
then my lack of common sense knocked a few years off of mine. It
looked like our age gap was narrowing.

The waiter appeared with a carafe of wine
and two glasses.

“Oh, thank God. Saved by the wine,” I said
with relief.

After the waiter poured the wine, I
gratefully accepted a glass from him.

Simon raised his glass. “To the best
non-date ever.”

And that it was. When the check was placed
between us I couldn’t believe that three hours had passed. When he
reached for it, I wasn’t sure what to do. I knew Simon’s camp
counselor salary must be low, so I felt I should offer, but at the
same time, I didn’t want to offend him either.

“Simon?” I watched him unroll a haphazard
wad of euros that he had taken from his pocket. “Can we split
this?”

Simon redirected his gaze from the crumpled
ball of bills and gave me a firm look. It pretty much demanded I
let him treat me like a lady. Which, he continued to do the entire
walk back to the hotel. It felt so nice to be taken care of that by
the time we got back to the hotel, I really didn’t want the night
to end. We stepped into the elevator, and Simon pressed the button
for our floor.

“I had a really good time tonight. Thank
you.” I smiled as the doors closed.

“Thank
you
. That place was totally
worth the wait. The food, the wine, the company...” Simon elbowed
me gently.

“Don’t forget the ab workout.” I placed a
hand on my stomach, sucking in my food and wine induced bloat. “I
can’t remember the last time I laughed that hard. My abs are
actually sore.”

“Better than a movie in bed, right?”

“Well, that depends with whom.” I
winked.

The wine must have gone to my head. I bit my
cheek as the elevator ascended and wondered what I was supposed to
do next. Was I supposed to kiss him on the cheek? Give him a hug?
Shake his hand?

The elevator stopped, and the doors opened.
We stepped out, staring at each other awkwardly, and Simon shoved
his hands into his pockets. I guess shaking hands was no longer an
option.

I felt a yawn coming on and clenched my jaw
to suppress it. “I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty beat from
all that manual labor,” I said after the urge had passed, smiling
brightly to hide my confusion.

“I won’t keep you.” Simon smiled down at
me.

I couldn’t help but feel disappointed by his
words. I’d enjoyed his company so much that I wasn’t in a hurry to
part ways, although my inner voice was screaming that I should be
the mature older woman and step inside the room with a polite
goodnight and thank you. I hadn’t felt this carefree in months and
didn’t want to burst my lighthearted feeling and happiness bubble
with a random hook up that would lead to nowhere. Not that he was
rushing to take advantage of me either. But still.

He put his hands on my shoulders and gave me
a soft kiss on my left cheek, followed by an even softer one on my
right. Genius.

“Two kisses are better than one,” Simon said
as if he had read my mind. His hands remained on my shoulders as he
locked his eyes with mine.

All of a sudden, I didn’t want the date to
end, nor did I care about protecting my heart. Instead, I wanted
him to kiss me—on the lips. “Yes, but three is my lucky number,” I
said before I could stop myself.

Simon dropped his hands to my waist and
pulled me close. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sweetest kiss I
had ever received. I felt like I was having an out of body
experience. My knees went weak, my stomach did flip-flops, and I
saw colorful swirls from behind closed eyes.

Did I wish it were Cooper? No. To my
surprise, I was exactly where I wanted to be. I pulled back to look
up at Simon. His smile caused my stomach to do another flip. This
time, I wrapped my arms around his waist and leaned my head on his
chest. We fit together so well.
Why, why, why
did he have to
be so goddamn young? I was only going backwards in the looks
department. He, on the other hand, would just get hotter and
...

Ding
. The elevator doors opened and
interrupted my mental anguish.

“Aunt Lucy?”

My eyes flew open in alarm, and I looked up
at Simon. “Oh my God,” I whispered.

I fixed my gaze on Simon as he looked over
my head. He turned his attention back to me and gave me a subtle
nod.

No,
I mouthed. I took a deep breath
and turned around. Simon’s hands remained on my waist, and I pushed
them away.

I stood face to face with Tess and Mark.

“Hi. Um, what are you doing?” I said in what
I hoped was a casual tone. “Did you guys have a fun date?” I subtly
used my knuckle to wipe my bottom lip.

“Well...” I could tell Tess was trying not
to laugh. “It wasn’t exactly a date, more like a bail out.”

Wait a second. Her date wasn’t with Mark. I
shook my head in confusion. “I’m sorry ... how did...” I pointed at
Mark. “What happened to the Frenchie on the Vespa?” I blurted.

“Long story,” Tess said with a look.

I glanced at Mark, and he shifted
uncomfortably. We all looked as if we were up to no good.

“And what about you guys?” Tess asked.

“We just grabbed a bite. It was no big
deal.” I looked at Simon, and he quickly looked away.

“In fact, I’m so tired.” I felt another yawn
coming and welcomed it with an open palm. “I’m going to...” I
pointed my finger to our room.

“Right,” Simon said.

“Um, thanks again for dinner.” I bit my
lip.

I reached up and gave him a kiss on his left
cheek. One good old American-style cheek kiss. My lips brushed
against the stubble on his cheek. It hadn’t been there at the
vineyard that morning.

“It was just a bite. No big deal,” he said
with a wink.

“Bye, Mark. Thank you so much.” Tess smiled
brightly.

“Maybe we’ll catch up with you guys
tomorrow,” Mark replied.

I was surprised to see him give Tess a quick
peck on the lips. I unlocked the door and went into the room. When
I heard the door click shut I turned around to face Tess.

“Lucy, you got some ‘splainin’ to do!” Tess
cried. “This time you’re going first.”

“It was so not what it looked like,” I said
with a hand on my chest. I walked to the bed, kicked my shoes off,
and massaged my sore ankle.

“Oh, I hope it was exactly what it looked
like.” Tess kicked off her own shoes and plopped onto her bed.

“You do?” I said, amazed.

“He’s so cute, Aunt Lu. And nice.” Tess eyed
the items Simon had brought over. “What’s all this?”

“Oh, just a few things Simon brought
over.”

Tess looked up and gave me a knowing look.
“See, what I mean? So nice.”

“I know. He’s wonderful. You don’t have to
convince
me
of that, but I’m practically old enough to be
his mother!”

Tess gave me a look. “His mother? Really? I
know people start young these days, but I don’t know any
ten-year-old mothers.” She gave me a sideways look. “C’mon. He’s
not
that
young.”

“Okay fine, but he’s young enough for a
thirty-year-old hottie with a tight butt and perky boobs to turn
his head. He also happens to be unsettled, and that’s a bad
combination. It’s one thing to date a younger man, but a camp
counselor? No ma’am. That’s just crazy. We really are worlds
apart.”

“He wouldn’t understand the pressures of the
business world and the deadlines I face. Or hope to face again,” I
said, making a face. “Life isn’t one big party. I want a child in
my life, but not in the form of a boyfriend I would have to
support. This is definitely not the conventional route.”

Tess lay on her side and propped herself up
with an elbow. “First of all, take a breath. You sound manic. Who
are you trying to convince here? You just met the guy, and second,
I thought we were trying not to take the road we’re ‘supposed’ to
take,” she said making air quotes.

I dismissed her with a wave, even though her
words rang true.

“Why don’t you just have fun? Don’t analyze
it. You might learn something about yourself.”

“I already have. I’ve learned that I’m
capable of having fun with another man. Yay!” I clapped my hands.
“This might actually be the first day when Cooper didn’t consume my
brain. Instead of twice an hour, he may have only crossed my mind
twice the entire day.”

Tess narrowed her eyes and studied me.
“Maybe Simon is the antidote to Cooper. You were looking pretty
chummy when we saw you.”

“Hey, speaking of
we
, what were you
doing with Mark, anyway? What happened to Pierre?”

Tess flipped on her back and looked up at
the ceiling. “He was a nightmare, Aunt Lu.” She sat up to face me.
“He might seriously be the Don Juan of Paris.”

“The Jean John?” I joked. I ripped open the
box of French nougat Simon had brought me and held it out to
Tess.

She sampled one. “Mmm. This from Simon,
too?”

I nodded and popped a chocolate in my mouth.
She smiled and shook her head with disbelief.

“Shut up.” I laughed and a chocolaty dribble
slid out of my mouth. I used the back of my hand to wipe my chin.
“Okay, go on.”

“Very chewy.” Tess used her tongue to work a
piece of candy stuck to her tooth. “We went to a wine bar, and
Pierre must’ve turned his head every time someone with boobs walked
past.
I
felt like the biggest boob. I pretty much watched
him ogle women.”

“Eww,” I groaned. “So how did Mark come into
play?” I put the box of nougat onto my lap and debated my next
selection.

“Basically, Pierre had too much drink, and
instead of taking me back to the hotel, he took me to his cousin’s
apartment.”

My mouth flew open in horror, and Tess
nodded her head somberly.

“Problem was, by the time I realized it, we
had made so many twists and turns I didn’t even know where we were.
The apartment was totally vacant. Suddenly he was miraculously
sober and asking me to spend the night.”

“Oh my God, Tess. I can’t even listen to
this.” I pushed the box of candy off my lap. I had suddenly lost my
appetite. “You could’ve been date raped. I told you to stay in
public...”

“I know, and believe me, that was my
intention. But how was I supposed to know where he was taking me?
We’ve only been here for two days.” Tess stared at me and chewed
her lip. “Do you want to hear more? It gets worse.”

“Go on,” I sighed. I made a mental note not
to let her out of my sight for the rest of our trip. Maybe the rest
of her life.

“I went to use the bathroom, and when I came
out he was lying in bed wearing nothing but underwear. Total
tighty-whities.” She wrinkled her nose in disgust.

“NO,” I yelled.

“‘
You like?’ he said with a ridiculous
come hither look on his face. All I could think about was Mark. Not
Jack, the boyfriend I am on a break from, but Mark. I passed up a
date with a nice guy for that loser?”

“Oh, sweetie.” I sighed.

“So, I told him I didn’t feel so well and
had to go home. Then suddenly, he was drunk.”

“What do you mean? Did he start drinking
again?”

“No. He said, ‘Since you aren’t feeling well
and I am already undressed, can I just take you back to the hotel
in the morning? I’m in no condition to drive.’”

“What a jerk.”

“Yup. So I went outside to take a deep
breath. Never mind, date rape. I wanted to commit date
murder.
I tried to call for a taxi, but couldn’t seem to
reach anyone who could speak English. I didn’t even know how to
pronounce the cross streets. All I knew was that I was somewhere in
between scared shitless and freaked out,” she said with a bitter
laugh. “That’s when I texted Mark.”