Tear Stained Beaches (12 page)

Looking back on the events of that day, I asked Meghan if Chase had offered any other explanation for his behavior. She paused, trying to answer the question, but not able to get the words out.

“I really think you should ask Chase.”

“Tell me what he said Meghan.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because, before all of this, you and I were friends and I think my actions have hurt you enough, I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” I could tell she meant what she was saying, but I didn’t care. After all I had been through, I needed answers, and it was clear from the way lies rolled off Chase’s tongue like water from a hose they wouldn’t be coming from him.

“Listen Meghan, I’m pretty sure I can’t feel any worse than I do right now. I need to know, please?”

She was hesitant. I could tell she blamed herself for my pain, and the mere thought of causing any more to me was devastating. She leaned forward, rubbed her eyes with her hands and started talking.

Chase had told her his life was spinning of control. That for a while he thought maybe he just wasn’t ready to get married. That the pressure and responsibility of taking care of a family and preparing for children was too much for him. He told her that when he was with her all of the pressures of the every-day world disappeared. He was tired of being angry all the time, never sleeping, and working his life away. Meghan was his escape.

Before she could finish, I had to know. “Did he tell you he loved you?”

“He told me he cared deeply about what we had.”

“That’s not what I asked you.”

Again she hesitated. “No, he never said that to me.”

I’m not sure if that was supposed to make me feel better or not. I was numb. Perhaps though, if I could feel something, I would think it may have given me some sense of relief. That at least something maybe still belonged to me. Looking at Meghan, I could tell she was hurt. I didn’t blame her. I knew how charming Chase was, how easy he was to fall for. Her heart was broken too. Maybe not as bad as mine, but what did it matter. Any broken heart hurts.

“He told me he loved you. That everything was all messed up now, that he didn’t know what was going to happen next, but the one thing he did know was that he loved you. And he was going to do whatever it was he had to do to fix what he broke.” She started to cry. No one will ever know how hard that was for me. This woman, this poor innocent, wanted-to-believe-in-
love woman was crying in front of me, because she was in love with my husband and he broke her heart.

Thinking about all the time she wasted. Time spent getting to know someone who didn’t really exist. Falling for someone you could never really have and then finding out all of this. In a split second her life had changed, just like mine. I could feel her pain, and I certainly could see it. The feeling of not being enough for someone, of knowing you would do anything for them and they not the same for you. I didn’t want to, but I felt bad for her. I wanted to hate her, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t blame her for what she didn’t know.

She sat quietly. Her gaunt face looked as tired as I felt. She stood and walked to the railing, leaning her elbows on it, and pointedly avoided looking at me.

It took all I had in me to do what I did next. I walked over to her as she tried to choke back tears. I placed my hand upon her shoulder. Leaving it there for a while as we both said nothing. It was all I could do to comfort her. The more she tried not to cry, the more I cried. I knew Meghan wasn’t responsible for this, and that she was just as much a victim to this as I was. But, as we stood there crying, I knew. The friendship we formed was over. It could never be mended. There was no way to get past this. I lost a great friend that day. As if there wasn’t enough to cry about: I cried for that too.

It wasn’t long before my compassion dried up and I pulled away. I brushed away the tears that remained and smoothed out my yellow jumper with unsteady hands.

“Thank you for that. I needed it,” I said.  Staying silent, she nodded. “My emotions are all over the place right now. This is a lot for me to handle, but I appreciate you telling me the truth. It’s something I obviously have not been getting lately.”

“I understand.” She muttered as she slowly made her way to the stairs. With no goodbye, or even a look back, she made her way down the deck to the beach.

“Meghan,” I said loudly, making sure she could hear me. She turned to look at me. “You were a good friend. I appreciate all you did for me; it’s just, right now: it’s too hard. I hope you know I don’t blame you for any of this. I know it wasn’t your fault.

“You really are too good for him. You deserve better.” With that, she turned again and made her way down the beach. That was the last I ever saw of Meghan. I never spoke to her again.

Chapter 22

I knew what was next for me, as I walked back into the cottage. Relief had washed over me after my talk with Meghan. The fact that I could comfort “the other woman,” that I was strong enough to thank her for what she had done for me, and forgive her for what she didn’t know, no matter how much it hurt. I had fought a few of my demons that day, and now, it was time to face the rest.

I picked up the phone and dialed his number. When he picked up, I asked him where he was. He said he was wandering the streets of the island, not sure where to go. I could hear the tears in his voice as he spoke, but unlike with Meghan I didn’t feel sorry for him. He had done this to himself.

“Go home Chase,” I managed to say.

“I can’t go home without you Haylie. I just can’t.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. Did he feel bad because he’d gotten caught? Or did he feel bad because he’d learned his lesson the hard way? Relationships were not always black and white, cut and dry. There is always so much history, so much emotional impact on a life that makes it so hard to just walk away when someone hurts you.

              “I’m going home Chase, but it will be without you. I can’t even look at you right now. When I get home, I don’t want you there. I’m not ready to deal with you yet.”

              “Where am I supposed to go Haylie? A hotel?”

              “A hotel, a friend’s house, or a cardboard box Chase. I really don’t care right now. That’s not my main concern. I just don’t want you to be home when I get there. Figure it out.”

              “Ok, I’ll do that for you, but we need to talk about this.”

              “And when I’m ready, we will. I’ll let you know when that is. Until then, leave me alone.”

He agreed, and with that I pulled the phone from my ear and started packing. It was time to face my reality. No one can run forever.

For the rest of the day I didn’t do much. Packing didn’t take long, and my appetite had vanished. Just thinking about food made my stomach churn, so wasting time sitting for a meal was out of the question. Instead, I walked to the end of the beach where the water met the shore. I sat there with my arms wrapped around my knees and stared off into the emptiness in front of me.

I replayed the events of this morning over and over again. Watching Chase on the deck from afar, and the way his face looked when he finally saw me standing there. I saw Meghan, all happy and smiling, walk out the door, and then the devastation in her face when she realized the truth. That was my life. That really happened to me. I had to keep convincing myself as it seemed so surreal. How could a man look himself in the mirror in the morning and be proud of who he was, knowing he was being untruthful and disloyal to the woman who made him her whole world.

Before all this happened, men having affairs would cross my mind, but I always had the
things like that don’t happen to me
mentality. I guess, looking at it now; it seems anything can happen to anyone at any time. No one is immune to anything. Do I really have to be watching my back all the time; always be on the defensive? Trusting no one but myself was a cold cross to bear, but at that moment, I wore it. It was time to worry about me.

Chapter 23

The weather the next morning seemed fitting. It was dark and gloomy. Not a hint of sun in the sky. I didn’t sleep well the night before, so was up early getting ready for the trip home. I grabbed my belongings, locked up, and returned the key to the rental office.

Before driving out of town, I stopped at the little coffee shop where I had run into Meghan after my first dinner at the Pier Shack. I watched from across the street first, making sure she wasn’t there. Then I jogged to the door, hoping she wouldn’t make her way in behind me. It seemed I had come during the early morning rush; the line was long when I arrived. I had my guard up the whole time I was standing there, thinking I’d hear her voice at any minute, but I never did. I breathed a sigh of relief as I grabbed my coffee and headed to the car.

It took me a while once I started it up to actually put the car in drive. I knew what I would be going home to. I was so strong yesterday, pushing him away, but how strong would I be once I got back to our house? Once I was surrounded by the memories of our life and all we had built. Would I be able to stand my ground?  Would I be able to walk away, pick up my life and start over, or would he know just what to say to make me stay? I had no idea what to expect. The constant back and forth of emotions made it impossible for me to wonder what choice I even wanted to make, but if I wanted to find out, I had to go. I turned the steering wheel, easing the car into the traffic and headed towards the highway.

I pulled into my driveway late afternoon and, sure enough, Chase’s car was nowhere to be seen. I didn’t grab any of my things from the trunk, just walked inside. It was so dark and quiet. The sun wasn’t shining and it made the house so dim. I felt around on the wall and flicked on the lights. Everything seemed to be just the way I had left it. The blanket still folded up on the middle of the couch with the pillow on top from the last night I had been here. Peaking into the kitchen, I saw the dishes sitting in the dry rack and the dish-rag on the kitchen counter. I could even see the note I left, sitting right next to it.

I sat on the couch. Fiddling my fingers, I looked around. The vaulted living room ceilings, arch
ways leading into the den to the right of the fireplace; it was the simple charm I loved about this house. The columns that separated the living room from the kitchen, and crown molding that was throughout, gave the house that southern feeling we had always said we wanted. Yup, we sure had it all.

I glanced over at the fireplace; I could see my reflection in the glass. I looked pale and my eyes were swollen from exhaustion. My hair was a mess. I looked sad. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a picture atop the mantle. There, I saw a girl I hardly recognized anymore. Her smile stretched from ear to ear and her eyes were bright. Her hair pulled back into a neat and curly side ponytail, holding the hand of the man who made her whole world spin. It was our wedding picture. How blissful we looked that day as we stood hand in hand. The colors were so crisp and vibrant. It was the epitome of a perfect day. I thought for a moment about Chase’s proposal, and the big secret plan he put together all by himself. 

On weekends, once I’d graduated college and was working full time, we’d hit the hiking trail and go on short road-trip getaways to local wineries. It became “our thing.” Every chance we got, we would visit a new winery, stretching our reach further and further around the state of North Carolina. We would drive for hours some weekends, just to find a new Moscato wine for me, or a Cabernet for him. Life was simple and fun. It just worked with us. Sure we had our disagreements, but fighting was not something we did often.

As the weather grew colder, we spent more time indoors. While I was working late nights in front of the tv creating marketing presentations, Chase worked hard to plan a romantic spring getaway for our two year anniversary. Being that I was originally from New York, I never really explored much of the Carolinas outside of our winery road trips, and Chase wanted to take me somewhere special. He booked a cute little bed and breakfast in the mountains of western North Carolina. He would read me all types of activities we could do as we tried to narrow down our choices. I looked forward to it all winter.

By the time spring came, we were both in desperate need of a vacation—me from work and Chase from preparing for the bar exam that was just around the corner. We packed the jeep and hopped on Interstate 40 for the four-hour drive west.

“This is going to be a great vacation.” I clapped my hands together.

“Yes it is.” Chase smiled.

“I think we should make sure we go hiking. I hear this is the best time of the year for it.”

He nodded and reached over to pat my thigh.  He was quiet most of the drive, lost in his own thoughts. I figured he was nervous, still thinking about taking the bar, so I didn’t want to push too much.

After four hours we reached our bed and breakfast. While Chase unpacked the car, I checked in. A beautiful stone front porch met me at the entrance of the inn. As I walked into the parlor, I could see a wood-burning fireplace
—what a charming place. The Victorian inspiration was breathtaking. 

When I arrived at the front desk, a silver haired woman with a warm smile stood behind it.

“Welcome to the Misty Trail Bed and Breakfast. How can I help you?”

“I’m checking in. Last name is Julian.”

“Yes, you’ve reserved the Blue Ridge Suite for three nights. Here are your keys and there is a welcome basket in the room. You’ll also find brochures to the many attractions we have around here.”

As I grabbed the keys, Chase snuck up behind me with our luggage and we made our way up to the third floor. The room was gorgeous. There was a glass chandelier dangling elegantly in the foyer above us as we walked in and the French countryside décor made us feel like we were thousands of miles from reality.

We woke early the next morning to get ready for our visit one of the popular, historic estates in the area. We took a private carriage ride around the gardens, toured the winery and dined at the estates only restaurant. It had been a perfect day. I was about to be very surprised though at just how much more perfect it was going to get.