Tear Stained Beaches (14 page)

“Well, you’re the one who wanted to talk. I’m waiting.” I ground out through clenched teeth.

“I’m sorry.” Finally, he spoke—just two words. Two words he thought would make everything all alright. I repeated them back to him, hoping he would understand how ridiculous they sounded.

“I’m sorry. That’s all you have to say? Tell me, Chase, what exactly are you sorry for?” I couldn’t help it; I didn’t wait to hear his answer. “Sorry for throwing away our marriage, eight years of our lives, lying to me? Or are you just sorry that I found out?”

I could tell he knew nothing he would say was going to make this any better, but he was going to give it all he had.

“For everything. For hurting you, for lying to you. All of it. If I could take it back, I would. ”The words stumbled out of his mouth through his tear soaked lips.

“But you can’t.” I jumped up, and paced around the room. “You can’t take it back. You ruined everything. Do you even know how hard it is to just look at you right now? All of those thing you did with her. How could you?”

“I know.” His voice quivered as I interrupted him.

              “No you don’t. You don’t know. All those nights I went to bed alone. All those times I sat here crying. My life has been miserable these last few months. I didn’t even want to wake up in the morning.”

              “Haylie, I’m so sorry. I’m going to fix this, OK. Whatever happened, it was wrong. I know that and it will never ever happen again. I love you so much.”

              “You love me? Really? You have one hell of a way of showing it Chase. If I hadn’t found out, this would all probably still be going on.”

              “No it wouldn’t. I went to Kettlewood Island to end it with her. When you left, I realized what a mess I’d made. That I was running from a life I should’ve been thankful for. I just got so caught up in the stress and the pressure that I cracked. But I see now that nothing Haylie, nothing in this world is worth losing you.”

              He walked towards me and reached out to place his hands on my arms. I lifted my hands to stop him, as I backed away. He was sorry, he loved me and he couldn’t take it if he lost me. That was everything I thought I wanted to hear. Those were the words I thought were going to put everything back together again: but they didn’t. I was hurt, angry and lost. I couldn’t look at my husband without feeling pain. I didn’t want him to touch me, or hold me, or comfort me. It was gone. He stood there, waiting for me to say something, anything that would let him know we still had a chance.

              “I can’t lose you Haylie. You are everything to me.”

“Oh, so suddenly you had a change in conscience. Is that it?”

              “I made a mistake. I let all my fears of failing and not being good enough take over, and I made a mistake. Everything happened so fast. I turned into someone I didn’t recognize anymore, and I did a lot of things I’m not proud of. I know I can’t take them back, but that’s all it was Haylie; a mistake. It’s over now, but you and me, we have so much history, so much to look forward too. I need you to forgive me. I need you to tell me we can fix this.”

His voice trailed off. He lowered his head and brushed the sides of it with his hands. The tears were flowing now like rivers down his face. The strong, bold man I married, who never showed any signs of weakness, was actually crying.

I thought the day I saw him out on Meghan’s deck was the hardest thing I’d ever have to experience, but I was wrong. Watching Chase cry was excruciatingly hard for me. It wasn’t because I felt sorry for him, but because of the inner struggle it created inside of me. I so badly wanted to grab him, pull him in and hold him, tell him everything was going to be okay. But the truth was I had my doubts about how genuine those tears were. He had been so manipulative, had lied so many times, those tears could have all been part of this new persona to reel me back in. It was so sad, not trusting the man I loved. I fought with everything in me not to move from where I was now standing, not to share his tears.

“I’m your wife. You should have come to me. When have I ever not been there to help you?” He shook his head, telling me there never was a time, which made his story that much worse. I would have done anything for that man, and he knew it. “Calling her is one thing Chase, but sleeping with her: that is unforgivable.” I thought about how Meghan had said she’d met with her mystery man on more than a few occasions. My whole body shivered at how, after every one, he would come home to me, kiss me, and touch me like it was nothing at all. Through his tears, he managed to speak his plea.

“I’m so sorry for all of it. If I could take it back I would. I swear. I love you so much Haylie. If you just give me another chance, I promise you I’ll be the husband you’ve always wanted. I won’t ever let you down again. Just let me prove it to you.”

“Tell me something, Chase. Did you think you’d get away with it?”

“I don’t know what I thought Haylie. I obviously wasn’t thinking at all.”

Love is a funny thing. It can make you the happiest person in the whole world when it’s good, but when it all goes bad, it can crush you beyond recognition. We sat there for a long time, me trying to figure out what to say, and him hoping they would be the words he wanted to hear.

Tears welled up in my eyes. The words he was saying, the pleas he was making; I knew for me it would never be enough. My faith in him was shattered. Never would I be able to look at him the same way again. I’d always wonder when he went out where he was, and who he was with. Inside of me would be crawling with anxiety every time he wasn’t near me. I couldn’t live like that. I know my vows said for better or for worse, and I know this was certainly the worst, but I knew in my heart that I would never be able to forgive, forget and move on. I knew every night he wrapped his arms around me I’d wonder if he wished it was her. Every time the phone would ring, I knew my heart would pound at the thought of who it might be. I wasn’t prepared to do that for the rest of my life.

It was the first time since my suspicions had begun that I spoke those words. It was starting to become clear to me. For so long, I had wondered how we would move on, how I would ever get past this and if our love could withstand it all, but in that moment, looking at him face to face, my heart finally spoke the truth. Every woman has a line in their relationship. It may be imaginary, but it’s there. Every woman’s line is different. Some actions may weigh heavier on one person than another, but in the end it’s all the same. Cross that line and the consequences can be life-changing and devastating. It’s the type of line that once you cross it, you can never go back. Chase knew, based on my stories about that high school boyfriend who broke every ounce of innocent trust I had as a teenager, where my line had been drawn and like it or not, he had crossed it.

              “Things get tough Chase, that’s the way life is. But when it does, you don’t just go running away from it all into the arms of the first girl willing to go to bed with you. That’s not how it works. A marriage is supposed to be forever. You made a promise to me, and you broke it. This wasn’t just a one-time thing; you saw her over and over and just lied to my face like I was nobody.”

He tried to interrupt, but I was on a roll and knew if I let him speak, I may lose the courage to say what it was I needed to say. Finally, I said what it was he was waiting for—the answer to his plea.

“You can never take away the memories I have of us; I will hold those deep inside. And someday, when my heart heals, I may even be able to forgive you. But I just don’t have it in me for second chances. I’ve done those before and they always turn in
to three or four. It never ends.”

“Not me Haylie. It’s gonna be different this time. I’m done. No more. Just let me show you;
,
you owe me that much.”

My mind flashed back to that day in the park when our relationship first became official. How he had spoken those words to me as we sat on the bench waiting for the sun to go down, vowing he would never be like those who came before him. Assuring me that if I agreed to be his girlfriend I would never feel that kind of pain again. And the night he proposed, how, while we lay in bed, he promised he would spend the rest of his life doing everything he could to make me as happy as I had made him.

“I owe you nothing.” I shook my head. “I gave you everything, and you took it all away.”

Chase knew how important loyalty and honesty was to me. He knew it was a deal-
breaker for me. He had made me a promise he couldn’t keep. I couldn’t forgive and forget something like that. Now it was my turn now to say those two dreaded words.

“I’m sorry Chase, but I just can’t.I can’t get past this, I don’t have it in me. You and me, what we had, the life we built, it’s over. I’m done.” That’s all I could manage to get out without my voice wavering. I wanted him to know I meant it, that there was no changing my mind.

He nodded as his lips trembled. I told him to give me a few days to pack my things and he could have
his
house back. It was my way of twisting the knife a little deeper, even though there were no words that could hurt him as much as his actions had hurt me. He fought me for a little bit, telling me I could have the house, how he ruined everything and he didn’t deserve anything; but I didn’t want it.

I wanted to prove to myself that I was going to be ok without him. That I could stand on my own two feet and make my own life and be just fine. Picking up and starting over on my own was what I needed to do for me. I declined his offer, but we agreed I could stay in the house until everything was finalized. So that was it. My marriage was over.

Chapter 26

During the months it took to prepare the terms of the divorce I shared the news with my family and friends, who were completely blindsided. My mom cried, my friends swore up and down and called him words too vulgar to repeat, and my brother and father thought through every version of pain and suffering for him they could think of. I promised all of them that I was fine.

Once the divorce proceedings began, it felt like a million pounds had been lifted off of me. Suddenly I didn’t have to wonder where Chase was, or who he was talking to. I did wonder how he was doing from time to time, but the anxiety that he had created with Meghan had completely disappeared.

By the time my lawyer’s office called me to come in and sign the final papers, all of my stuff had pretty much been moved into my new apartment. There were only a couple of boxes that would be able to fit in my car on the final trip from Oak Creek. My family came down to help, and they were planning on staying awhile until I was settled in. Chase didn’t come anywhere around the house once they arrived. He’d text me every now and then, but I’d only respond to the ones that were relative to the situation. I chose to ignore the: I miss you’s and I’m sorry’s as it wouldn’t do any good for either of us. It was hard at first. I was so used to the life I was living that having to just pick up and go was quite an adjustment. Pretending someone didn’t exist was hard.

The divorce took about a year to be finalized. We had agreed upon everything during the settlement, so there wasn’t anything to contest. I didn’t ask for much. Just my stake in the house and a few pieces of furniture I knew he could do without. For the most part, I didn’t want anything that reminded me of what could have been, so once I put my deposit down on a chic new industrial-
looking loft apartment in uptown Charlotte, I went on an Ikea shopping spree.

I traded the suburbs for the city life. One entire wall of my new loft was lined with windows. I enjoyed a pristine city view and I made sure to have two bedrooms for visitors. Mostly, though, to be sure I had enough closet space for my shoe and purse collections. To try and curb the loneliness, I went out on a whim and rescued a dog from a local animal shelter. He was the cutest little eight-week-old mutt I’d ever seen. They didn’t know exactly what breed he was, but I guessed he had a little lab in him. I named him Marcus.  During the whole process, he certainly kept my mind from always wandering to my troubles.

I left Marcus at the apartment with my family, on what would be my final visit to the house in Oak Creek to collect the last couple of boxes. I did a final sweep of the house by myself. My mom insisted on coming with me, but I needed this time alone. I walked through each room, saying goodbye to the memories that were made in each one. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, building a life by myself, starting over and opening myself up to the possibility of love again. But I knew I had made the right decision. I knew that I wanted to feel secure in a relationship, and I just wasn’t ever going to feel that with Chase again.

I think I stood in the living room the longest. That was the place Chase and I stood when we first uttered the words “this is our house.”  We were so excited the first time our realtor took us here. We had gone through so many open houses and nothing had felt like home. Then we walked into this beautiful white colonial at 12572 Cherry Blossom Court, and we just knew it was the one. Chase threw his arms around me, pulled me in closely as confirmation that we both agreed. I could still see us as we spent much of that afternoon walking into each room just like I was doing at that moment, except back then we were planning where the furniture would be placed and what colors we would paint the walls.

Most of the furniture was still as it had been, but the feeling just wasn’t the same. I no longer felt like I belonged there. All the work I had put into making it a home, all the dreams I had hoped to build in it had disappeared.

When I finished I placed the key on the ebony-colored bench that sat just inside the front door. Looking at my left hand, I realized something I hadn’t in the last few months. I was still wearing my wedding ring. I slid it off of my finger and let it rest between my thumb and index finger as I admired it. It really was a beautiful ring. I remember during the weeks that followed our engagement I used to stare at it for hours.