Tears of Leyden (18 page)

The air chills me but I feel overheated in my nightgown. A chant constantly repeats itself in my head.
He is dead...no...he must be...he is dead...he must be.
I try to shake the feeling of being approached by a Spanish soldier. I force myself onward, only knowing this to be the way.
As I pass certain alley ways, I constantly feel my heart leap as another dark figure dashes across the opening. I found soon enough that it was only a Dutch man, for the person did not follow alarmingly.

I hurry forward, not letting myself stop to think of better courses than the one I am on. I walk for at least a few generous minutes before I am troubled by anything. As I walk, the usual grey haze above me clouds the dark blue sky, and the night’s silence would be peaceful if not for my state. The streets are thankfully empty, and a faint trail of moonlight fights its way through the overhead fog. It remains quiet like this long enough for me to gather courage for my duty, but when I gain it, I lose it again.

I hear the soft sound of footsteps over cobblestone and am not able to identify from where. I turn off my path feeling fretful. I step quickly over the ground towards the other end of the narrow alley. I had made a mistake. I wish silently that I was back on the main streets, out of the dangers hidden in the shadows. Then, I feel it. I know something is close to me, stepping over the same stones right behind. I panic.
What if it is a Spanish soldier?
I feel my heart pound and hasten its already fast speed as my legs move faster too.
What use am I if I am caught by a Spanish man?
Then, it hits me.
General Gage.
I force down the want to run and continue hastily through the alley.

I am halfway there, when suddenly I am grabbed. An arm snatches me around the waist and in less than a moment a hand covers my mouth, stifling my gasp. I am too terrified to scream. I grab pathetically at the hand, desperately trying the free myself. My trapper pulls me back against him and I grow breathless. I squirm, trying to break away from his hold, too frightened to consider the familiar sent closing in on me. I pull and writhe as I realize it could be the Second Commander…
maybe it is what he smelt of.
My capturer bows is head and I know I am lost.
I am dead, Leyden is dead…who am I fooling? Nadeje is undoubtedly dead. God this whole world is dead to me…

“Lyra,” it is a breath, lightly blown along my neck as his nose brushes a bit of my skin.

I stop breathing as I recognize the sound. I remember the smell, the solidity of his body along the back of mine, the trembling blows against my neck from his breathing, and the securement of his arm. I feel my heart waver.

He lays his face against my neck. “It’s me…”

My hands go slack on his as my soul lifts like light. I unsurely turn my head to the right where he remains, and the hand covering my mouth slips away. So does my resistance. My legs feel like lead as I recognize the shaded features. I feel my anguish vanish for just one second.

“Mr. Gilch?” My voice is broken, soft and weak.

His eyes remain searching mine. “Nadeje,” he requests softly.

My hands tighten as his arm wraps me closer. “They let you go…” I whisper. I feel relief flood through me. “They let you go free.”

I finish it as I turn into him, letting him pull me closer. My chest trembles as I breathe, and I feel heat rushing through my head. All feelings disappear apart from the ones coming from him near me. All else is gone.

When he does not respond I glance up. “They did release you?” He watches me with no given expression. I feel my stomach churn and though I cannot see it, I know my face drops its color. “How?”

His face is calm. “Practice,” his arms are steady around me. “I have been trained to be a soldier, Lyra.”

I watch him, my heart again pounding.

“You’re alone,” he says it gently.

I feel my momentary panic slowly fade. “Not entirely…I am guarded…”

He seems to have known this. “What are you to do?”

I see the serious emotion on his face. “Go towards the east wall…when I arrive I am supposed to…” I hesitate. “I am to remain in my protector’s care.”

His face softens and I know he has read the details off my face. “Lyra, you know I won’t let that happen.”

I feel light headed with his words. I know his capability cannot possibly stretch so far, but still a heavy burden seems to be lifted with his promise.

I swallow. “You need to get out of the streets.”

It is a whisper, but a look of formality crosses his face. “You wish me to leave you in the streets?”

I feel my heart beat faster but try to control it.
He can at least be safe.
“No…but…”

“Then my plans could differ,” his face is firm, and as usual calm.

I feel my stomach topple. “Nadeje…”

He cuts in after seeing my whole expression and apparently reading the reasoning in it. “In times of need there are no times of greed…you must accept to receive freedom…”

I shake my head pleadingly. “This isn’t time for your book, Nadeje…”

His eyes are filled with something unknown to me, intense and cored with reason. “The book is me, and I have place in this.”

I press at him. “Philosophy can’t be the answer for everything…”

His body is unmovable and he adamant. “Lyra, I won’t let this take you away…”

I watch him trying to hide my inner happiness with his words, and the fear. “Nadeje…”

His hands tighten. “I can’t let them hurt you…I can’t lose another person after I just…” He swallows. “Lyra, I need you to be with me.”

I stop, all discrepancies falling aside to his words. “Nadeje!” It comes out a sharp whisper. My face is undoubtedly painted with shock.

His face becomes too tender, too soft, too much. He watches me through distant eyes. “Stay with me…I can take you with me. Don’t let them…please, let me protect you.”

I shake my head as his face becomes pleading. “Nadeje…please go. I am all right…”

His face grows to a complete beg. “No…no. You’re not happy with your own words…”

I hate his ability to discern me. “I don’t need to be…if they…”

“Lyra, let me…”

“I
won’t
let you if you are risking your own life and Leyden…what of my home? What of my people? I cannot leave them without doing my duty…”

His face is a mess of emotions. “Lyra, I love you.”

Everything vanishes. I have stopped breathing and no longer feel his arms. I lose my arguments. I feel like life itself in the past two seconds has left me. I watch him in total shock and oblivion. I am stolen of speech.

Slowly I come back in, drawing attention to his gentle hands, to the cold, reigning myself back in with his breaths…
which reminds me that I need to breathe
…though I cannot. He watches me, soft and needful;
never have I seen him look so lost. I feel my heart begin its gentle thuds again. I take a centimeter of breath, but it stops and I cannot find the air any longer. I shake my head. I know not why or how, but logic takes over my body.

“Nadeje…”

He watches me, looking drained by the movement.

“No…” I am too taken to come up with anything more.

His expression grows a hundred times softer. “Don’t let them hurt
me
by hurting
you
if that is what it will take…please…Lyra, I can’t let you go so easily…”

I shake my head as he watches me.

“Lyra…please.”

I feel my eyes grow glassy from happy tears. I push away that happiness. “You wrote yourself not to attach yourself to something so strongly that you can’t let it go…”

“Lyra…”

I push it further. “The safest place for you to go is when the Spanish leave.”

He becomes pained. “You wish this?”

I do not respond. I can’t, for my answer will go against my own argument.

He swallows hard. “Lyra, I need you…please…don’t go from me.”

I let out a rattling breath. “Nadeje…”

“I love you…Leifde, I love you.”

Suddenly, before I cannot do it, I tear away. “Nadeje, I can’t love you!”

After I have done it I know I have been cruel.

I feel it stab into him, and seeing his face know there is no mistake that I have torn open a wound. I feel my heart beating fast in my chest and try to calm it, but it is no use. I have broken him and undoubtedly broken myself. He watches me and I can see the pain in his face, the twisted emotions expressed in his heart. I feel the air still around him as he remains frozen, not even breathing. I see the pain bleed from inside to his face, and realize how badly I have mistaken my actions. As it hurts him, I feel it biting into me. The pain is worse than expected and everything goes blank. I feel a longing for his warmth to border me again become extreme.

I had moved too fast, without thought or contemplation. Now I am shaken and cannot think.
What have I done?
I feel that I cannot speak, but somehow it comes, though it sounds strained.

“Nadeje…”

I hear the fear in my own voice and can only hope that he hears it too.

He stares at me from a sharp place, as though woken up from a daze to lightening. Only, I am the lightening, and I have struck him intentionally;
little did I know the intention could lead to such regretful ruin.

I can see the remains of his dreams scattered and fallen to the depths of his thoughts. I feel my hands reach to him without bidding. “Nadeje…Nadeje…I didn’t mean…never meant…”

He shakes his head. “I am in love with you.”

I feel my heart waver.
God what have I done?
“Nadeje…please…I didn’t…”

Suddenly, he grabs my arms and grips me tightly. His hands are tense and grip foreign, but I feel no fear and only nerves. He watches me through clear eyes, the pupils large and intense in the dark shadow light.

“Tell me you do not love me,” he says it firmly, but I can hear the strain behind it. “Let me feel your disinclination for me…”

He grips me harder. Then he jerks me close, harsh and needful as he catches me to his body as though I am his requirement for survival. As soon as our bodies touch, the breath leaves me and all tears and agony break me to pieces as he pulls me close.

“I love you,” he breathes as though sick, as though weak. “I love you and don’t care if you can’t love me now…I can
make
you love me…I’ve
felt
you love me…I know you…God, don’t let this be sin…please God…
I need you
...” I feel his face brush my ear and I am shaken. “I love you…please forgive me for this…” He rubs his face along my neck, whispering and panting against my skin. “I love you…I love you…” I can feel his hands trembling as though uncertain of his right or wrong, as though worried to hurt me. Even his voice is shaking ever so gently. “
Leifde
.”

I can’t mask it. I don’t even know the emotion myself. I am crying…it is all I know other than that he loves me. I feel the tears pour as I feel it:
utter happiness.
I feel all tension leave me with every tear that falls. Yet as tears fall, I feel no sorrow fall with them; only happiness. I cannot ignore it as it intensifies. I feel tears chill my cheeks and wet his shirt but all the same I want to giggle, to laugh, to smile. I feel him and can’t help it;
I feel joy.

“I love you…never let me go without you…I will never leave you…I will take you anywhere, just let me show you this part of life…Lyra, my Lyra,
my
Lyra…” He nuzzles me devotedly, leaving more tears running down my face.

Feeling my sharp inhalation, he draws back his head a little and I willingly let him see me. He finds all my tears and in seconds his eyes come to mine. He looks into me with concern. “Lyra…?” His voice is gentle and worried.

All I can do in response is smile. I see his concern fade as my lips turn up and I can’t make them do anything else.

He watches me. “Lyra…”

I smile again and can’t help but let more tears fall. “Joy,” I half whisper it.

His eyes grow uncertain.

“I am feeling joy,” I half whisper, half giggle it this time as more tears spill down my cheeks causing me to choke.

His face becomes softer, and once more I am able to see the light in his eyes. His hands stop their trembling, and instead I feel a tremble inside greater than any experience. Ever so gently, he brings me closer. I sink in here, letting my body lean soothingly along his. He tilts his face to the side of mine and lightly traces his fingertips along my hair. Somehow, he turns my head and slowly he kisses the tears along my cheek. I let him willingly.

“You wish this?”

It comes as a gentle hum, one which sounds sweet to my ears.

“I wish this,” I say back.

“Tell me what it is you want.”

I open my eyes to slits against his cheek. “Take me somewhere safe,” I whisper. “Take me and keep me away from harm…” I hesitate. “Take me with you.”