Tell Me No Spies (32 page)

“Shit.”

We sat in silence for
a few moments. Tension coiled up in my belly like a poisonous
snake.

“This is stupid,” I
burst out finally. “What the hell are we doing? We’re living out of
a fucking car, for chrissakes. And why? You guys haven’t done
anything wrong. Arnie, I’m taking you home, and Dave, you’re going
to the hospital for a checkup. Then you can both get on with your
lives.”

Arnie’s hand closed
over mine as I reached for the shifter. “We had this conversation,
darlin’. Dave’s in trouble with the law, an’ I got a contract out
on me. An’ neither of us is gonna leave ya. So fuck that.”

“I really don’t think
Kane will press charges against Dave,” I argued. “Not after he has
a chance to explain. And we don’t know for sure there’s a contract
out on you.”

“Yeah, an’ by the time
we find out for sure, Dave gets arrested an’ I get dead. I ain’t
likin’ that scenario,” Hellhound growled. “If I gotta die, fine,
but I ain’t gonna die of bein’ stupid.”

My tension exploded
into violent irritation, and I threw up my hands. “Well, that’s
just fucking fine! If you refuse to show any fucking sense of
self-preservation, anybody got any ideas about where we should go
today? Maybe a nice trip to the zoo? Calaway Park? Or we could all
get ice cream and sing fucking campfire songs. That’d be fun.”

“Uh, Calaway Park’s
closed for the season,” Dave said nervously.

“Well, I guess it’s
the zoo, then,” I snarled. “Everybody hold hands and stay
together.”

Arnie broke the short
silence. “Ya okay, Aydan?”

I clenched my hands
around the steering wheel to prevent myself from punching something
else with my already aching fists. “Fine,” I grated.

Most men would have
wisely shut up at that point.

“Bullshit,” Hellhound
said.

I loosened my grip on
the wheel, one finger at a time. “I’m going for a walk,” I said
very quietly, and got out of the car.

I’d only taken a few
strides when I heard the car door open and close behind me. Seconds
later, Hellhound caught up to walk beside me. Overhead, the sound
of the police helicopter swelled, but it passed over us without
pausing and its rhythmic roar began to wax and wane as it flew
circles near the railroad track.

After a few dozen
paces, Hellhound spoke. “What’s wrong?”

“Where do I start?” I
growled.

“Why’re ya mad at us
for tryin’ to help?”

“I’m not mad at
you.”

He caught my arm and
swung me to face him. “Ya told me I could treat ya like my guy
friends. So don’t gimme this ‘nothin’s wrong’ chick bullshit. What
the hell’s wrong?”

I bit down my first
response. Then my second. On the third try, I managed speech about
the same time I managed to unclench my fists. “I didn’t say
nothing’s wrong,” I said evenly. “I said I’m not mad at you, and
I’m not. I just want you to be safe. I’m upset because you won’t
cooperate.”

“I told ya, darlin’, I
ain’t leavin’ when ya need me.”

Frustration burst out
of me. “I don’t need you! For chrissake, go away and be safe!”

I should have known
better than to hope he’d get mad and leave. Instead, he eyed me
soberly. “Ya keep sayin’ that. Why’s it such a big deal for ya to
not need anybody?”

I scowled. “I didn’t
say it’s a big deal, and I don’t keep saying that, I just
said-”

“Back in March,” he
interrupted. “Ya said, ‘I don’t need you or anybody else to babysit
me. I can take care of myself. I always have. I always will.’” He
frowned down at me. “Why’s it such a big thing for ya?”

“You and your goddamn
photographic memory.”

He said nothing,
watching me.

I blew out a breath
between my teeth. “Look, every single person I ever needed is dead.
The part of me that needs people died with them. I’m not trying to
hurt you, I’m just saying, I don’t need you, or anybody. I’m not
capable of it anymore.”

He took my hand in a
gentle grip. “Aydan, ya know I don’t want ya to need me, an’ I
ain’t askin’ ya for that. I just want ya to trust me enough to let
me help ya.”

I took a deep breath
and met his eyes. “You know I trust you.”

“I don’t think ya do,”
he said quietly. “Ya get naked with me, but ya never let down your
guard.” He stroked the hair away from my face and looked deeply
into my eyes. “Who beat the trust outta ya, darlin’?”

I stood a little
taller. “Nobody ever beat me. I wouldn’t put up with that.”

“There’s ways to beat
people up without ever layin’ a hand on ‘em,” he said.

The gut-punch of
memory made me wrap my arms around myself to absorb the blow. I
quickly pasted on a neutral expression.

“Yeah, thought so,”
Arnie said softly. “Robert?”

I kept my voice
matter-of-fact. “No. My first husband. Steven.”

“Didn’t know ya were
married before Robert.”

I shrugged. “Wasn’t
worth mentioning. Look, can we talk about getting you and Dave out
of trouble?”

“How long were ya
married to Steven?”

I sighed. “Too
long.”

“When did it
start?”

“What?”

“When did he start
abusin’ ya?”

“I don’t know, it was
gradual. Look, it was just words.”

Words. And silences.
Sometimes I had wished he would hit me, just so I could have
visible evidence of the pain. The old coldness settled into my
bones with the memory of silent endurance slowly fading to numb,
deadly emptiness.

Arnie’s voice brought
me back to the present. “When I was a kid, I couldn’t figure out
why Mom stayed with the ol’ man, when he was always yellin’ an’
whalin’ on her. That fuckin’ asshole. Kane’s mom explained it when
I got a little older, how they break ya so ya don’t have the
strength to leave.”

I shrugged and studied
my shoe while it scuffed at the pavement. “It wasn’t that big a
deal. I stayed because I’d promised I would, not because I was
afraid to leave. When I finally found out he’d been cheating on me,
I divorced him. Done deal. Good riddance.”

His voice was a soft
rasp. “See, that’s what I mean. Ya always gotta hide what you’re
feelin’. Ya never let anybody in, do ya, darlin’?”

I shrugged again.
“Nobody wants to hear about that shit, and I don’t like talking
about it. Works fine.”

I could feel his eyes
on me, but I didn’t look up. After a moment, he sighed. “How’d ya
ever wanna get married again?”

“I didn’t.”

I could hear the
puzzlement in his voice. “But ya married Robert. An’ it sounded
like ya loved him.”

Weariness washed over
me. “I never wanted to marry him. I didn’t want to get married
again, period. But he was always there, and he just kept… nudging
me. Not pushy, but just always… there. After six years, I
thought…”

I kept my voice
steady. “I thought he must really love me. And I… after all that
pain, I couldn’t bear to hurt a good man. So I agreed to marry him.
And I tried my best, goddammit. I loved him as much as I had left
to give…” The bitterness nearly choked me. I swallowed it down and
kept my tone light. “Joke’s on me.”

Arnie’s arms closed
around me. “He musta loved ya,” he murmured. “Ya can’t fake it for
that long.”

I dropped my head
against his chest. “He could. He was undercover for twenty-four
years.”

After a moment, I
straightened up and pushed away from him. “Anyway, it doesn’t
matter. Just because I don’t talk about this stuff doesn’t mean I
don’t trust you. If it makes you feel any better, you’re one of the
two people in the world who know that shit about me.”

He nodded
understanding. “Robert.”

“No.”

His mouth dropped
open. “But, darlin’, ya were married to him.”

“It didn’t come
up.”

He examined my face
incredulously for another moment. “If ya didn’t tell your own
husband, who the hell did ya tell?”

“Kane.” I blew out a
long, tired breath. “I didn’t want to, but he… I had to.”

“Oh.” I saw my hurt
reflected on his face. “Jesus, darlin’…”

I looked him in the
eyes. “So I trust you, okay?”

“Okay,” he said
slowly. “If ya really trust me, then trust me to stick around an’
help ya.”

I clutched his hand in
both of mine. “Arnie, you don’t get it! I stand to lose damn near
everybody I care about here. You, Spider, Nichele, Dave, Bruce
even, if they find out whose car we’re using.” I hesitated, but
left Kane off the list. That was already over. “I’ve only got a few
friends left in the world, and I don’t want to lose the ones I’ve
got. Please, just…”

“Aydan, get your head
outta your ass!” he snapped. “Think about somebody besides yourself
for a change!”

I gaped at him in pure
shock. “I’m thinking about you, dammit!”

“No, ya ain’t. All
you’re thinkin’ about is how bad you’re feelin’. How the hell d’ya
think I’m gonna feel if I walk away an’ let ya die? How the hell
d’ya think I’m gonna live with that? I ain’t lettin’ that fuckin’
asshole Jim kill anybody else I care about.”

I eyed him with
confusion. “What do you mean ‘anybody else’? I thought your da… I
mean, your old man, killed your mother.”

“Yeah.” Arnie clamped
his mouth shut and turned back toward the car.

I trotted beside him
and gazed up into his impassive face as he strode along. “Who did
James kill?” I asked softly.

“My high-school
girlfriend. It was his gang initiation.”

I opened my mouth,
found absolutely no words of comfort, and took his hand instead. We
walked back to the Caprice in silence.

Dave eyed us anxiously
when we got back in the car. “Is… everything okay?”

“Fine.” I blew out a
sigh. “Sorry, Dave, I just had a little too much adrenaline in my
system. I’m not mad at either of you, I’m just scared for you, and
I’m mad because I can’t keep you safe.”

He reached forward and
patted my shoulder. “It’s okay. You kept us safe. You got us out of
there.”

I gave him a smile.
“Thanks, Dave.” I caught Arnie’s eye. “Both of you. Thanks.”

Arnie winked. “What’re
friends for?” He cocked an ear skyward. “Sounds like the bird’s
bugged out. Let’s just wait a little longer an’ make sure,
though.”

We sat in silence for
a few minutes, and I turned over possibilities in my mind. At last,
I turned to Arnie. “So is there anything else we need to do before
tonight? What time are you meeting your guy?”

“Nine,” he said. “An’
no, that’s all I can think of for now. I’ve tapped out all my
sources.”

My gut clenched. “What
if he doesn’t know anything? How long do you think James will hold
Nichele before he kills her? We’re running out of time.”

Arnie laid a
comforting hand on mine. “Don’t worry, darlin’, she’s prob’ly got
more time than ya think. Unless somethin’ pushes Jim, he won’t kill
her ‘til he’s got all his loose ends tied up. He’s smart, an’ he
won’t rush it.”

“So until we’re dead,
Nichele’s probably safe.”

Arnie shrugged. “Yeah.
An’ hell, if we’re dead, we ain’t gonna care anymore anyway.”

“Way to look on the
bright side,” Dave snorted.

“Never mind, Dave, at
this point, I’ll take any bright side I can find,” I assured him.
“So… how do you guys feel about a road trip?”

Hellhound eyed me
dubiously. “Prob’ly not a good idea, darlin’. It’s a helluva lot
harder to hide on the highway than in the city, an’ the police
prob’ly got a description of the car now. They’ll be watchin’ for
it tryin’ to leave town.”

“You really think
they’ll have a description?” I argued. “The guys who were shooting
at you wouldn’t hang around to talk to the police. I didn’t see
anybody else in the neighbourhood, and the police wouldn’t know to
talk to the train engineer unless he called it in.”

“Pretty risky all the
same,” he replied. “Why d’ya wanna go on a road trip? An’ where
to?”

“Home…”

“Aydan, that’s nuts,”
Dave interrupted. “They’ll be watching your house for sure.”

“Dave’s right,
darlin’,” Hellhound agreed. “Kane’ll be watchin’ the surveillance
cameras, an’ if Jim’s hit man is any good, he’ll be watchin’ your
place, too. Why d’ya wanna go there?”

I scrubbed my knuckles
through my hair in frustration. “I can’t do anything else to help
Nichele right now, and I really want to see if I can find out
anything more about my family. Aunt Minnie told me some things
about my Dad that made me wonder. I’ve still got all his papers in
my shed. He never threw anything away. I want to look through them
and see if I can find any clues.”

“Clues about what?”
Hellhound asked gently. “He ain’t likely to’ve written down ‘I
think they’re tryin’ to kill me’ somewhere.”

“No, you’re right,
but…” I shot a quick glance at Dave, trying to frame my words
carefully. “Some of the things Aunt Minnie said made me think he
might have known what was going on.”

Hellhound’s keen eyes
darted to Dave and back to me. “Okay…” he said slowly. “An’ ya
think there might be somethin’ in his papers?”

“I haven’t a clue. But
I’m going to go nuts if I have to just sit in this car for…” I
checked my watch. “…ten hours doing nothing. I’ve got some people
to call, too, but…”

“Callin’ people
prob’ly ain’t too safe right now,” Hellhound objected. “Kane’ll be
monitoring everybody ya know.”

“Yeah, I know, but I
don’t think he’ll think to listen in on the people I have in mind,”
I told him. “Anyway, I want to check Dad’s papers first. The calls
are a last resort.”

“Okay, well, let’s
think this through, then,” Arnie said. “Ya said the papers are in
your shed, not in the house.”

We both knew there was
no way he’d forget what I’d said, but I obliged him with a yes.

“So that’d be outside
the surveillance cameras.”

“They’re watching your
house all the time?” Dave burst out.