Tenacious Love (Banished Saga, Book Four): Banished Saga, Book Four (14 page)

Clarissa tried to move, to free herself from Gabriel’s firm clasp, but he refused to release her. “Why do you think I want to listen to your empty words now?” she asked. “Nothing you say will ever bring him back. Will ever restore the months I lost when I needed you—” Her voice wavered as her lips quivered.

“I tried, that day. I tried.” Gabriel rested his forehead against hers once more as tears leaked out and dripped off his chin. “As I held our boy in my arms, and you screamed and wailed, I tried to tell you.”

Clarissa arched her back, at first to escape his implacable hold, then so as to meet his gaze.

“Dammit, I came in that day and begged you to listen to me. I begged you,” Gabriel said, his brilliant blue eyes tear-brightened.

“How would you expect me to react? Calmly? Rationally? My son left with you for an adventure on his birthday and never came home.” She raised a clenched fist, slamming it against his chest as she hiccupped through her sobs.

“Our son,” Gabriel hissed, backing away, but grabbing her hand and holding it to his chest over his heart. “Dammit, he was ours.” He bent forward, meeting her gaze.

“I know,” she whispered after a moment. “It helped me cope with your disappearance by believing he’d been more mine than yours. That I’d loved him more.”

“Rissa,” he choked out, his body stiffening as though she’d stabbed him.

“But he worshipped you, Gabe. He was never happier than when he was with you.”

He closed his eyes. “When I came home that day, covered in Rory’s blood, to the decorations and cake and everyone shouting ‘Happy Birthday,’ I wished it had been me.” He opened his eyes and stared into Clarissa’s. “And then, when you attacked me, screaming over and over ‘Why did it have to be Rory?’ refusing me to comfort you …” Gabriel cleared his throat, although he was unable to take the raspiness from his voice. “If Rory’s death broke my heart, your screams tore it from my chest.”

“Gabriel …”

“You threw yourself at me. Called me a disgrace of a father. Said he’d have been alive if he’d been with anyone but me.”

“No. I couldn’t have,” Clarissa whispered, her cheeks paling. “You have to know I didn’t really mean it.”

“And you were right,” he whispered, leaning forward to kiss her forehead. “Rissa, forgive me.” She shuddered, and he felt a nearly imperceptible softening of her shoulders and body. She leaned back, staring into his eyes for a long moment. He saw her gaze slowly alter from an irate disappointment to a reluctant concern.

Her hand held rigidly at her side now loosened and rose to brush his ebony hair off his forehead. “What else have you done that needs forgiveness, Gabriel?”

He grasped her hand, kissing her palm. She shook at his first show of tenderness since the morning their son died. “I’m so sorry, Rissa.”

“Tell me. We can’t continue like this.” A tear slowly tracked down her cheek.

He forced himself to meet her gaze and stiffened as he took a deep breath. “Our son is dead because of me. I killed Rory.”

Clarissa stared at him with unseeing eyes for a moment before collapsing to the ground.

He moved with her, kneeling in front of her.

She raised tormented eyes to his, her mouth opening and closing like a fish gasping when exposed to air, but no words emerged. When Gabriel rocked backward as though he were to rise and leave her, she grabbed his forearm and shook her head. “No, explain what you mean,” she demanded in a hoarse whisper. “Explain how you could believe this.”

“He was my responsibility. And I failed him. I—”

“Everyone, everyone including the doctor, said there was nothing we could have done to save him. How do you think you could have?” Clarissa asked, tears pouring from her eyes again. “It was a horrible accident.”

Gabriel shook as he whispered his confession. “I heard his cry. I thought it was a shriek of joy. Because of that I didn’t run to him as I should have. As you would have. I took my time. And in those moments, he drowned.” Gabriel paused, swiping away tears. “He’d fallen, hit his head on a sharp rock and then fell into the stream. The minute I found him, I tried to revive him. I swear. But it was too late.” At Clarissa’s horrified expression, he gripped her arms tighter than he intended.

She jolted, her gaze meeting his as tears formed a stream down her cheeks. “Oh, Gabriel.”

“I shouldn’t have let him run ahead of me in the woods. If we hadn’t been playing chase, if I hadn’t encouraged him to run faster, he never would have fallen. He never would have hit his head. He never would have drowned if I’d reacted as I should have.”

Clarissa raised a quivering hand, placing it over Gabriel’s mouth. She shook her head. “Our baby died, Gabriel. He died.” Her shoulders heaved as she held back a sob. “He tripped and fell and died. There’s no one to blame.”

“Dammit, I’m his father. Was his father,” he growled as he had to use past tense. “I should have protected him. I failed him.”

“Gabriel …” Clarissa stroked his cheek, focused on him and his torment. “Chase was his favorite game to play with you. How many times did we hear that little shriek of joy of his as he ran away from us to play hide-and-seek or chase? He always made that sound. Why should you have known instinctively that this one was different?”

Gabriel shuddered at her understanding, at her soft caress. “How you can bear to look at me, knowing the truth?”

“Our son loved you, and you loved him. That is the truth I will keep in my heart.” She traced away his tears. “Rory always dreamed of being as tall, as fast, as strong as you.” She smiled as his eyes flashed with immense pain and longing. “He loved having you catch him and swing him in the air, even if he was growing so big it made it nearly impossible. He loved his time away with just you, imagining he could outsmart you and outrun you. He would have hated you encouraging caution.”

“I failed you and my pledge to you on our wedding day.” He closed his eyes as tears cascaded onto her palm. “I promised to love, honor and protect you. I’ve failed on all accounts.”

“That’s not true.” She kissed him on his lips, causing him to shudder.

“It is.” He opened his eyes, full of self-loathing, to meet her gaze.

She ran a hand over his cheek, into his hair and gripped his nape. “Whether you believe me or not, I love you.” She stifled a sob. “I’d begun to fear I’d never say that again to you.”

“Will you ever forgive me?” He forced himself to meet her eyes.

“It will take time, Gabriel. You hurt me. Dreadfully. Losing Rory nearly destroyed me. Losing you …” She closed her eyes and shook her head. “It nearly killed me.” She let out a deep sigh.

“I always prided myself on being strong. On meeting whatever challenge life threw at me.” Gabriel’s voice broke.

“There can be a strength in tears. In needing to lean on others as our world falls apart.”

“I couldn’t understand why you’d still want me when I was unable to protect Rory. To protect you in Washington. How could you have faith I’d be there for our children after I’d failed you and Rory?”

Clarissa took a deep breath. “You don’t need my forgiveness, Gabriel. You need to forgive yourself. Until you do, I don’t see us moving forward.”

“Rissa, please,” Gabriel begged.

She caressed his cheek, a forlorn smile moving over her face. She leaned forward and kissed his forehead before rising.

He gripped her hand, refusing to allow her to move away from him, coming to a crouched position now. “I’ve always tried to be strong for you. To protect you. To shield you as best I could.” His voice shattered. “Now I need your strength, Rissa. I need your courage. I need …”

“You need me.” Clarissa’s voice broke as fresh tears coursed down her cheeks, lowering to sit again next to him.

“Desperately.” Gabriel’s shoulders shook with sobs he could not stifle.

“Cry, my love. Cry,” Clarissa urged. She tugged Gabriel into her arms until he eventually laid his head against her lap and sobbed.

“I see him everywhere, Rissa. It’s as though he’s always with me, and I turn to answer a question or wink at him or ruffle his hair, and, only at that last instant, I realize he’s gone. That I’ll never see him again.” He sniffled, rubbing his face into the cloth of her dress.

“Do you think it’s not the same for me? For the children?” Her blue eyes haunted by the loss of their son met his. “At first we never discussed him, never spoke his name, because it only made me cry.”

“What changed?”

“When we returned from Washington, I heard the children talking. Geraldine was telling Billy and Myrtle that, now we were home again, they must only speak of Rory when we were absent.”

“Damn.” Gabriel’s voice was filled with regret and self-recrimination.

“I realized, in a way that neither Savannah nor Sophie had been able to show me, how my actions were harming those I loved most.”

Gabriel raised curious eyes to his wife. “But the pain didn’t go away?”

“Of course not. I learned how to bury it.”

He nodded. “And it would have been a burden more easily carried had we shared it.”

“Yes.” Her whispered agreement acted as a pinion to Gabriel.

“How can we recover from such a loss?” Gabriel asked. He scooted around until he was leaning against the counter and Clarissa was sitting between his legs, half facing him.

“I don’t know. Talking with each other, sharing our grief, remembering Rory will help, I think,” Clarissa murmured as she burrowed into Gabriel’s embrace. “I’ve missed you so much, and the entire time you were right here.” Her voice cracked as she fought fresh tears.

Gabriel’s arms wrapped more firmly around her. “Thank you for loving me, darling.” Gabriel kissed the top of her head.

“I think we should speak with Aidan and Savannah. They’ve both survived the loss of a child.”

“I agree. I want us to have a full life again, my darling. And to do that, we need to somehow control our grief.” He sighed again, this time with a hint of peace as Clarissa snuggled into his arms, his large palm caressing her head, shoulders and back. “Ah, my love,” Gabriel murmured, kissing her beside her ear.

G
abriel and Clarissa
were in Aidan and Delia’s living room, the children at the park with Araminta. Jeremy and Savannah had settled on a settee across from Delia and Aidan, who sat on matching tufted wingback chairs while Colin stood, leaning against the wall to the dining room. Open windows allowed the gentle breeze to enter and cool the room, while a pitcher of untouched lemonade waited to be poured on a table in front of Delia.

Savannah studied Gabriel and Clarissa intently. They sat with the fingers of one hand interlaced. Gabriel reached over with his free hand to caress Clarissa’s arm and their joined hands. Savannah smiled as she noted Jeremy relaxing after witnessing Gabriel’s actions. It was the first public sign of true tenderness between the couple in eight months.

“Why did you want us to gather?” Colin asked. He frowned as he watched Clarissa and Gabriel.

Gabriel took a deep breath. “I wanted to thank everyone for your support and understanding after Rory died. I—Clarissa and I’ve finally spoken about what happened that day. I think it’s helped.”

“What did occur, Gabriel?” Aidan asked. “I understood your devastation at the loss of your beautiful boy but never your sense of self-hatred.”

Gabriel closed his eyes, as though envisioning again what happened. “Rory and I went to the creek to spend time together alone while the house was prepared for his party.” He opened his eyes to address his family. “You know how he loved to play hide-and-seek and run ahead of me to see if I could catch him. I wanted him to feel like a big boy as he turned seven and let him run farther ahead of me than I should have. He made that little shrieking sound. The one he always made.”

Jeremy grunted his acknowledgment, and Colin shifted, his gaze distant, obviously thinking of his beloved deceased nephew.

“I thought it was because he was excited from our game.” Gabriel shuddered.

Clarissa gripped his arm and then caressed it. “It’s all right, darling. You did nothing wrong,” she murmured.

Gabriel met his uncle’s unwavering gaze. “It wasn’t a chirp of joy. He’d fallen, near the creek. He hit his head, and, because I took too long to get to him, he drowned.”

“Goddammit.” Colin turned away and marched through the dining room and out the side door.

“Ignore him, Gabe,” Jeremy commanded.

“You blame yourself.” Aidan spoke with certainty, bringing Gabriel’s attention back to those still in the room. “You think your inaction caused your son’s death.”

Gabriel nodded. “Yes, well, partly. I believed that until I spoke to Clarissa.”

“You will always miss Rory,” Savannah said. “You will always mark the time by how long it’s been since you’ve held him or how old he would have been now.” Savannah blinked her eyes to clear tears that had formed, as though she were thinking of her long-deceased daughter, Adelaide Hope.

“What I need …” Gabriel paused, clearing his throat. “What I need is your support. You’ve lost children, and I—we—need your help as we come to terms with our loss.”

Clarissa took a deep breath before speaking. “I’ve lived with a shroud of grief around me, and I realize I can’t live this way. It’s not the life I desire—not for my children, not for Gabriel, not for myself.” She rubbed at her cheek as her tears fell. “I know I will always mourn Rory. There will be moments when I think the pain is insurmountable. But I must believe I can find joy in the future.”

“Never lose your ability to hope, Rissa,” Delia said. She rose from her chair and came to kneel by Clarissa’s side. She stroked a gentle hand over Clarissa’s head and then down her arm. “Never fear that we will not understand that grief comes in waves. That, no matter how long Rory’s been … dead, you’ll still have days where the pain is almost as fresh as when you first heard the news. We’ll be here for you.”

Clarissa sniffled, glancing around the room to see Aidan, Savannah and Jeremy nodding.

Delia rose and moved to Gabriel’s side. “As for you, Gabriel, I can only imagine what you suffered, discovering your son as you did, envisioning some way you could have saved him.” She brushed the hair off his forehead, and he met her gaze with tears brimming in his eyes. “I wish you’d shared this burden sooner so that we could have prevented months of torment.”

“Thank you, Delia,” Gabriel said. “Thank you all.” He nodded to everyone in the room before emitting a tired sigh. “When we return home tonight, I’ll discover if the children will be as understanding.”

“All they want is your love, Gabriel. Show them you love them, and they will forgive you,” Aidan said with a gentle smile.

“Thank you, Uncle.” Gabriel squeezed Clarissa’s hand and then rose alone, striding through the dining room and exiting the kitchen door. He paused for a moment to enjoy the faint breeze as he searched for Colin. Gabe rounded the side of the stable, nearly tripping over Colin.

“Col?” Gabriel sat next to him in the stable’s shadow, the quiet nickering of the horses soothing.

Colin sat with his knees bent and his head down.

A soft snuffling noise sounded, and Gabriel belatedly realized Colin was crying.

“I’m sorry, Gabe,” he whispered.

“Why?”

“For not staying and listening to what else you had to say.” Colin swiped at his cheeks and punched at the stable wall with his other hand as he stood, nervous energy not allowing him to sit for long. “I’m so damned angry.”

“As long as you know your anger is best directed at me and not Rissa.”

Colin spun to face Gabriel, his blue eyes widened in shock. “Of course it’s not. It’s directed at fate, at God, at whatever caused us to lose Rory. But never at you. I know you would never have harmed him.” He squinted as he saw Gabriel shake his head in disbelief. “I’ve watched you wishing yourself dead these past months. I’ve seen you turn away from the support of those who care about you. I despaired at ever having back the man I considered brother, who was lost in a vortex of despair and self-hatred. I’ve witnessed Clarissa’s transformation into a bitter woman I barely recognize.” He met Gabriel’s wounded gaze. “You have no need of my anger. You’ve done a good enough job on your own.”

“Then why are you so upset now?”

“At the senselessness of it all!” Colin kicked at the stable wall. “I shouldn’t have favorites. It’s not right.”

Gabriel stood at Colin’s whispered admission and canted forward to better hear him.

Colin swiped at his nose as he faced Gabriel. “Although I tried to hide it, Rory was my favorite. I always dreamt that, when I had a little boy, he’d be like Rory. Eager to spend time with me. Loving, considerate, filled with enough mischief as is healthy in a young boy but never with any spite. I hate that he’s gone.” Colin turned away as his shoulders shook, his arms braced against the stable walls.

“Col, I’m sorry.”

“If it’s for Rory’s death, save your breath. But, if it’s for not being there for Clarissa—for any of us when we needed to mourn, to remember and to rejoice in what a miracle Rory was—then, yes, you should be begging our forgiveness.”

Gabriel paled, holding a hand to his chest as though in physical pain.

“I may never know what it is to love a child of my own, and I pray every day that I never lose a child after seeing how you and Clarissa have suffered. But I hope, with every breath, that I never hurt those around me as you have in your agony at his loss.”

“So you are angry at me,” Gabriel said with a grim satisfaction.

Colin glared at him, firming his jaw. “For how you’ve acted, yes. For how you’ve thought you were the only one entitled to grieve. For forgetting you have three other children desperate for any sign of caring from you.”

Gabriel nodded, taking a step back, his gaze haunted and distant. “I couldn’t bear to be near them. To love them any more than I do. For what if something happened to them too?”

“Whether you loved them more or not, anything could happen to them, Gabe. And then you’d have to live with the fact that you’d ignored them for the better part of a year.” Colin’s stance became less belligerent, and he reached out to grip one of Gabriel’s arms. “And I don’t believe you could love them any less than you do.”

“Of course not! They mean everything to me.” He closed his eyes in defeat. “I couldn’t live through losing any of them.”

“You’re stronger than you think, Gabe.” Colin squeezed his brother-in-law’s arm before letting go. “Just as I advised Clarissa not to swaddle them in a protective cocoon, stifling their childhood, I’d recommend you enrich their years with your presence. For that is all they desire.”

Gabriel gripped Colin in a tight embrace, slapping his back a few times before releasing him. They turned to rejoin the others in the house, Gabriel fighting his panic at the upcoming reunion with his children.

* * *

“
G
abriel
, what are you doing?” Clarissa asked as she came to an abrupt halt upon entering their son’s room, the room previously shared by Rory and Billy. Bright light entered the dormer window, casting sunlight on Billy’s bed.

Gabriel sat on Rory’s empty bed, against the far wall, his elbows on his knees, his eyes fixed with a distant gaze. They had just returned from his uncle’s house, and he awaited the arrival of the children from the park. “Forgive me, Rissa,” Gabriel said as he moved to rise.

“No, sit,” she said as she pushed on his shoulder and settled next to him. “What are you doing in here? You’ve barely entered this room since Rory’s death. Billy has to beg you to tell him a story before you’ll creep inside.”

“I’m sorry. I thought the room would still be filled with him.” He glanced around. “But it isn’t.”

“I cleaned away his things months ago.”

“Did you keep anything?” Gabriel couldn’t hide the hopeful pleading in his voice.

“Yes.” She rose, moving to a small trunk in a corner of the room. She lifted the lid, creaking from disuse. “I have his christening blanket, his favorite book. A few toys.”

She moved aside as Gabriel knelt beside her. He lifted out the christening blanket and pulled it to his face, sniffing deeply. He lowered it, his shoulders stooping with disappointment.

“I had it laundered. I—I’m sorry, Gabriel,” Clarissa whispered.

He shook his head, shoulders bowed as he looked at the few remaining items that had belonged to their son. “Forgive me.” He raised wet eyes to meet her worried gaze. “For not being here with you when you had to clear away his things. For my reluctance to enter this room. For my disappointment that you laundered his christening blanket and I can’t smell him.” He choked. “I miss him so much, Rissa.”

“I know, darling. So do I.” She leaned toward Gabe, awkwardly moving so that she was nestled against him, tucking her neck under his chin.

“I know they say the pain will become bearable. I fear they lie.” He pulled away, flushing at his admission. He glanced into the trunk, a wistful half smile flitting across his face as he reached in and pulled out a small train. “I remember whittling this for him. He always had it with him.”

“It was his favorite.”

Gabriel ducked his head as he cupped Clarissa’s cheek with a shaking hand. “Thank you for saving this for me. Thank you for having faith, no matter how faint, that we would survive this. Together.”

Clarissa leaned forward, her forehead resting against his for a brief moment. “I’ve missed us, Gabriel.”

“So have I,” he whispered. He kissed her gently on her forehead before leaning away as their son Billy raced into the room.

He came to a halt as he saw his parents on the floor in front of Rory’s trunk, his light-blue eyes going round.

“Billy.” Gabriel stood and walked toward him, picking him up. He frowned as Billy remained stiff in his arms. “What were you doing?” Gabriel turned toward the door, the approaching footsteps of his daughters thundering down the hallway.

“We’ll catch you, Billy!” Geraldine shrieked.

Billy’s eyes widened in fear, and he squirmed to be released from Gabriel’s hold.

“It’s all right, son. Playing catch and hide-and-seek are fun games.” He cleared his throat on the word
catch
. Holding Billy firmly with one arm, Gabriel raised his other hand to stroke Billy’s head. “You’ve grown so much.”

“I’m three!” Billy said, relaxing in his father’s hold and resting his head on Gabriel’s shoulder.

“Almost,” Gabriel said, kissing the top of his head. He smiled at his daughters as they barreled into the bedroom. “I caught him first.”

“Papa,” Myrtle gasped.

“What are you doing in here?” Geraldine asked.

“Hoping to catch one of you,” Gabriel said with a teasing smile as he set Billy down and lurched toward them with outstretched arms and a laugh.

Myrtle shrieked and jumped away, running down the hall. Geraldine stood rooted to the spot, her eyes luminescent with unshed tears before she beamed at her father and spun from his grasp a second before he reached her. Their delighted shrieks echoed down the hallway.

“I’ll find you!” Gabriel called as he ran at half speed after his daughters. He stopped as he reached the hallway and turned to Billy. “Help me find them, Billy boy.”