That Baby (4 page)

She frowns. “Like if I could do it again, would I so soon?”

“Yeah.”

“I think so. Maybe. I don’t know. Being pregnant can be, um, challenging. Your body is changing. Your hormones are changing. You have the strangest thoughts.”

“Like what?”

“When I was throwing up all the time, I sort of blamed Danny.”

“Because he got you pregnant?”

“Yes, they say it’s normal though. To sort of hate your husband.”

“You hate him?”

“No! Gosh, it’s hard to explain. And don’t you dare breathe a word of this to him.”

“I won’t.”

“It’s just that sometimes you don’t feel good. And it doesn’t seem fair that
you
are having
his
baby and he doesn’t have to go through any of it. He can do anything he wants and you have all these restrictions. It’s a weird combination of precious time and living hell.”

“Your morning sickness is subsiding though, right?”

“Yes, that helps. During the second trimester most women feel pretty good.”

“Do you?”

She sighs. “I feel better. I wouldn’t say great.” She pats her belly again. “The baby is kicking a lot. Which is both amazing and slightly terrifying. I’d say that’s how pregnancy has been for me. Conflicting opposites. It’s like you’re overwhelmed with joy that a baby is growing inside you. You feel an incredible sense of wonder. But then you also feel out of control. You look down and wonder how the hell you have a baby growing inside you. You’re shocked at how much your stomach can stretch. It’s the most natural thing and also weird as can be.”

“In a few more months, you’ll be holding your baby in your arms.”

“And it will all be worth it,” she says. “So back to getting pregnant. They say if you want a girl you should be on top, and if you want a boy, the man should be. But that contradicts other things they tell you. Some say after sex you should put a pillow under your butt. This tilts your pelvis in a way that gravity helps the sperm swim toward the egg.”

“I don’t think I’m ready for all that yet. We’ll just continue to have fun and if it happens, it happens.”

“Speaking of happens. You never did tell me what happened before the wedding. When you and Phillip broke up.”

“When my parents died, I locked up my feelings and put them away. Granted my personality tends to be of the act-first, think-later side, but I told myself that being reckless and having the you-only-live-once mindset would make my parents proud. But it was an excuse to do whatever I wanted. I'm lucky I lived with Phillip and Danny in college. Otherwise, I think I would have been wilder. I kissed a lot of guys, but I didn't sleep with very many because I didn’t want to bring them home.”

“The boys aren’t around. Who all did you sleep with anyway? You’ve never told me.”

“Well, Matt Fuller was my first. Freshman year in college. Then after he broke up with me, I revenge dated his best friend. Then Bradley.”

“The smoking-hot bartender,” Lori adds.

“Who I was supposed to have my first one-night stand with. But I guess I'm lucky I met Bradley too. Instead of a bunch of random one-night stands, he became
all
my one-night stands. I went home with him a lot, but that's all it ever was. Just hot sex.”

“And a shot named in your honor,” she smirks.
 

“I'm not very proud of that night.”

“We thought you should postpone the wedding,” she admits.

“You did. Why?”

“Because of what happened at the bar. We only heard about it from Nick, but it was obvious things were unraveling.”

“They were.”

“What made you give Phillip the ring back? I was afraid to ask before.”

“I thought we failed couple’s counseling. I almost drove down here that day. Thought you and I could drink margaritas and bash boys.”

“Except I can’t drink.”

“Ha. I forgot about that!”

“Was that the
tick tick boom
?” she asks gently.

“Danny tells you everything, huh?”

She nods. “So where did you go? Phillip was really worried because he couldn’t find you.”

“I went to our old elementary school. Sat in the car for a long time just staring at the swings.”

“That's where it all started,” Danny says, interrupting us.

“Where’s Phillip?” I ask.
 

“He went home to shower.”

“Where what started?” Lori wants to know.

“Don’t you remember when we got engaged and I told the story of how Phillip kissed me on the swings in fourth grade and told me that he wanted to marry me someday? I think I was just getting through life, waiting for that day. Waiting until the time was right. After Richie Rich—guy number four, if you’re still keeping track—I thought maybe. Phillip and I had gone to two formals together, but we never kissed. Then there was the disaster known as your wedding.”

“Hey,” Lori slaps me on the arm. “Our wedding was perfect.”

“For you. Not for me.”

“So then, the drummer,” they both say.
 

“
Guitar player
. Number five. And then Phillip. My number six and hopefully last.”

“So the swings?” Lori says.

“I hooked my charm bracelet to the swing and left it there. It felt like the right place to bury our relationship.” I look at Danny. “Then I went to visit my parents’ grave.”

Danny's eyes get big. “You said you’d never go there.”

“I know, but I went anyway. Laid in the snow and cried. I felt really ashamed. Here all I wanted to do was make them proud by being strong but . . .” Tears threaten, so I shake my head.
 

“It's okay,” Danny says. “They're proud of you now.”

“I know. It just took me a while to get here. And then I was remembering how Phillip was with me when they died. I went to touch the cross charm on my bracelet and I freaked when it was gone. When I went back to get it, Phillip was there. So, I told him everything—how I’ve always loved him being the most important thing. He told me his original plan was to propose at the swings. Then he said that he was going to do it right, dropped to one knee, and proposed. I said yes. Then I was fine.”

“So the honeymoon was fun?” Danny asks with a smirk.

“It was amazing.”

“Did you like our XXX honeymoon gift?”

I laugh. “Your gift. Yes. Although we didn't know what to do with half of it.”

“Phillip said the same thing,” Danny says. “I’m gonna go shower.” He kisses Lori and heads toward their bedroom.

“And I think I’ll go home and see if I can catch a peek of my husband in the shower,” I tell Lori.

January 27th

Symptoms.

I’m half asleep when I roll out of bed to pee.
 

I stop mid-pee, stand up, and look into the toilet.

That can’t be right.

I shut the door, lock it, flip on the light, and peer into the bowl. The tampon that has been in all night is pure white.

How could that be?

Now that I think about it, yesterday was way lighter than my normal period.

Weird.

I finish peeing, flush, and go back to bed.
 

Phillip pulls me into his arms and kisses my neck.
 

“Morning, Princess. You feeling good enough to go for a jog?”

“It’s so cold. I think we should go back to sleep. Or back to the Caribbean until spring.”

“You know once I wake up I can’t go back to sleep. That’s why you always wake up to fresh coffee.”

“Maybe you should jog by a donut shop,” I suggest.

He laughs into my neck. “You must be feeling better if you’re hungry.”

“A chocolate frosted cake donut sounds really good. And some hot chocolate. I think I am feeling better.”

“Danny said if you were up to it, you should go over to their house this morning. The designer is going to be there shortly to go over the final choices for their kitchen remodel.”

“Oh, fun! Why didn’t Lori tell me?”

“She didn’t want to ask when she knew you weren’t feeling well and with our disappointment yesterday—”

“Are you disappointed, Phillip, really? Or do you think it’s for the best?”

“I’d have to say I’m a bit disappointed. But you’re going off the pill now, so it will happen soon. I’m sure of it.”

I jump up out of bed.
 

“I think I will go over there.”

I quickly get ready and head over just as the interior designer is pulling in the driveway.
 

I greet her and help her carry samples into the house.
 

“Jade! You made it!” Lori squeals with excitement, giving me a hug and leading us into the kitchen.
 

The designer is sorting through samples.
 

I push my shoulder into Danny’s when I see him yawn. Lori is super excited about her kitchen remodel. He needs to at least pretend to be interested.
 

He leans down and rests his chin on his palm and tries to focus his blurry eyes as the designer shows them cabinet, counter, floor, tile, and fabric samples.
 

“What do you think, Jade?” Lori asks.

“I thought you wanted a six burner stove? The drawing only shows it sized for four.”

“Oh, good catch,” she says as the designer corrects the plans. “What do you think, Danny?”

Danny wraps an arm around her. “Whatever makes you happy, makes me happy.”

She sighs. And not in a good way. “I want you to love it too.”

“I love the white cabinets. The flooring. The stainless appliances. I’m not sure about grey tiles for the backsplash though. They remind me of a bathroom.”

“Subway tiles are very popular right now,” the designer states.

“I thought we agreed on something classic, not trendy?” Danny asks.

“Maybe you should go with tumbled marble. Something softer?” I offer.

The designer digs in her bag. “These are the other options I brought for counters. Why don’t you decide what countertop you want first?”

Lori and Danny both point to the white marble. I point to the thick white quartz.

“Isn’t the marble more classic?” Lori asks.
 

“It is, but it also stains. You’re getting ready to have kids. Kids spill. Juices, tomato sauce, and especially wine will stain this. Some people like a patina, but I think it would bother you.”

“You can seal it but it’s something you have to do regularly,” the designer informs.

“I’d hate the maintenance,” Lori decides. “Let’s go with the quartz.”

“Then I would suggest these for the backsplash,” the designer says, pulling out a gorgeous pale blue glass subway tile. “We can do this tile in different shapes, but I like this the best.”

“I like it too!” Lori says. I can tell she’s getting really excited.
 

“And it goes perfectly with these fabrics.”

After the designer leaves, Danny offers to make breakfast, citing it will be the last time in their old kitchen.

“Phillip went for a run,” I tell them. “But he’s bringing back donuts.”

“I’m hungry for an omelet,” Lori says. “With grilled onions and peppers. I even have some leftover fajita chicken we could put in it.”

“Sounds awesome,” Danny says. “You cut. I’ll cook.”

“Is there anything I can do?” I ask.

“Sure, I’ll do the peppers, you do the onions.” Lori hands me a knife as Danny starts grilling bacon.
 

And it smells so . . . gross.
 

All of a sudden, I’m hit with a wave of nausea.
 

“Uh, excuse me,” I say, running to the bathroom and throwing up the little bit of water I’ve had this morning.

“I’m sorry,” I say, coming back out. “I’m still not feeling well.”

“If I didn’t know you’d gotten your period, I’d think you were pregnant,” she says. “Why don’t you sit down while we cook?”

I plop down on the couch, grabbing a magazine off the end table. Under it is what Danny calls the pregnancy bible.

Wait.

Could I be pregnant?
 

Was the little bit of spotting I had yesterday technically a period?

I think back to all the periods I’ve ever had in my life. The shortest since I went on the pill lasted two days. Yesterday when I got it, it was really light. But I was so surprised by how sad I felt that I didn’t notice.

I pick up the pregnancy book and thumb through it, looking for any shred of information on this subject.
 

The first chapter is about what to do
before
you conceive.

“What are you looking at?” Lori says, startling me.

“Oh, I was just curious about some things.”