The Barbarian's Mistress (8 page)

Vali came back to the carrus and stood looking at her. They were the same height
now. For once she felt his equal, not a child to his adult.

‘Why did you cry?’ he asked sadly, his pale blue eyes troubled.

She wanted to look away and shrug again, but she knew he wouldn’t let her get away with that again. So she lifted her chin and tried to gather what little courage she had.

‘I feel like I’ve lost a friend. As if the Vali I knew died, and you’re a hard stranger whose taken his place. Maybe that other Vali wasn’t real. But he was to me, and I loved him. I cried because I lost someone I loved again.’

He blinked rapidly for several seconds and then his eyes flamed blue fire. ‘I would have killed him for what he did to you. Is that what you wanted?’

It was her turn to blink rapidly, in her case with shock. She knew he meant Publius. And, of course she wouldn’t have wanted him to kill her brother. He would have died too, if he had done such a thing.

‘No, of course not.’

‘If I let myself feel any more than I did for you, I would have had no choice. It is what I was bred to do. It is what my people require, my gods require. You protect what’s yours, what you love, at any cost. If you don’t, then you’re a coward, without valour.’

She tried to understand his thinking. Valour was just as much a part of the Roman ethos as it was his. And she could see how he had been caught between a rock and a hard place back then. If he had killed for her, more than his own life could have been forfeit. Depending on the way the law was carried out, all the slaves of the household might have been forced to pay the ultimate price for his act of violence. Rome was very harsh with slaves who killed their masters. The legal question would have been whether Publius could be considered Vali’s master. But the risk would have been too great. Just for her.

‘I understand. You were right to protect yourself that way. But it doesn’t make me feel any less sad. I was a child, and I loved the person you appeared to be. Don’t concern yourself. It’s time I grew up.’ With that she climbed down from the carrus and
turned her back on him so she could pull the blanket out from under the seat.

She heard him stride away into the trees.

Chapter Seven

By the time they drew up for the night, still on the interminable marsh, they had fallen into an uneasy, polite co-operation. They moved in synchronicity, dividing the tasks required to set up for the night, caring for the horses, unpacking their goods, collecting firewood and setting up  the fire, laying out the meal -- all done with utmost courtesy and consideration. 

It felt like torture.

After sleeping through the hottest part of the day, Vali had felt better able to deal with his mixed feelings toward his mistress. He was still angry with her for condemning his actions, still felt guilty for hurting her, still considered himself a coward for taking the option he had all those years ago. But somehow he was able to balance those feelings against the needs of the present. But as the afternoon progressed, the mosquitos took their savage toll, and Lara’s polite but distant silences began to tell on him.

By the time the leg of pork they’d purchased in Forum Apii was nearly ready, Vali was close to breaking. He wanted to escape. He wanted to just get up and walk away, leaving his little mistress, with her harsh judgements, behind. With money in his pocket, and his citizenship printed on vellum, he could take off and forget all this. Forget her.

‘I’m sorry,’ she began, her voice croaky. ‘My attitude today has been deplorable. You did nothing wrong. You were a slave in an impossible situation, being forced to do terrible things. How could I expect you to put all that aside and care for me? My ignorance is my only excuse. I have no idea what it must be like to be a slave. I fool myself into thinking that I do, because of the way I’ve been obliged to live, but how arrogant is that? Comparing my luxurious, safe little life to what you and others have suffered was naïve, at the very least. You did the right thing.’

He turned the spit in silence, feeling a pain in his chest so intense that he couldn’t trust himself to speak. Finally, when he felt ready, he turned to her on the blanket behind him.

‘You’re right, you can’t possibly know what it’s like to be chained and filthy on a slave ship you think is about to sink, knowing that the weight of the manacles will drag you, and all of those poor bastards linked to you, down to the bottom of the sea. You can’t know what it’s like to stand on a slave block, your body ogled by everyone, being evaluated for your teeth, muscles and balls. You don’t know what it’s like to have an old woman’s hands on you, stroking you until she has you hard enough so that you can service her like a bull. What it’s like to…’

His little mistress put her hands over her ears and turned away, curling up into a ball at the far end of the blanket. Fury fought with compassion as he saw what he had reduced her to.

‘And I’m glad you haven’t.’ He stopped himself before he said too much more.

For a long time the only sounds he could hear were the marsh frogs and mosquitoes, the crackling fire and the occasional hiss of fat as it hit the flames. The smell made his mouth water, but with his emotions roiling like a storm tossed deck, he doubted he could keep any of it down.

Why did she have to be so understanding, so kind, so damned self-deprecating? It would make things so much easier to keep his distance, and his soul intact, if she was more like her mother.

He shook his head, trying to force out of his head the images of her mother’s aging, but still beautiful face, twisted with passion as he forced his way into her yielding body, his violent, painful thrusts sending her over the edge, as he cried out his own triumphant release. There was no real triumph in that scene. No victory over his oppressor. Hurting her only pleased her more. It just fed her depravity, and brought him down with her.

While that ugly, explosive orgasm played out in his memory he felt a gentle arm slip around his shoulder, as a chaste kiss was dropped onto his stubbled cheek. Lust, desire and need detonated in an instant.

Shifting around, he claimed her lips with his own, mother and daughter overlapping in his mind. Startled, her mouth dropped open and gave his tongue access. He could taste her sweetness, smell the heady scent of woman, feel her soft, giving body under his hands. This was what he wanted. What he’d been fighting since the moment he’d seen her in Rome a few nights ago. This!

But she didn’t respond. She remained acquiescent and frozen in his arms, as he intensified his assault on her mouth. He was able to draw his shattered senses together long enough to realise it.

And let her go.

‘The meat,’ he said shakily, turning away.

‘O..of course,’ she stammered, moving away from his side quickly, so he could see to their meal.

It was just cooked, and could probably have done with a few more minutes, but Vali couldn’t wait any longer. He needed to do something, anything to take his mind off his stupidly rash actions. How could he have expected anything but shock from her? She wasn’t her mother. Had she ever experienced a kiss before? His crude invasion must seem no different to what Publius had done to Ninia; repugnant, unpleasant and fearful.

‘We… we should reach the port of Tarracina tomorrow. I think we’d be better off selling the carrus and horses and taking passage with a merchant ship sailing down the coast. Any spies would have been looking for us at Ostia. If we didn’t take ship there they would assume we were travelling overland. It’ll take us no more than a day or so to get to Pompeii by ship, and be much more comfortable for you.’ He was proud of how steady his voice sounded, almost as if nothing had happened between them. Icily polite.

Her choked out, ‘Whatever you think is best,’ only made him feel more of a cur. Shouldn’t she sound relieved that she’d be able to get away from him sooner? Instead, she sounded hurt, rejected. He couldn’t understand her.

Using his dagger, he sliced off several jagged chunks of meat and dropped them onto the wooden dish they’d been sharing. Then he doused the fire and climbed to his feet. He needed distance from her, so he could get control of himself again. Being near her confused and confounded him, made him think and do things he shouldn’t.

‘Where…?’ Her voice wavered, and she didn’t finish her question.

‘Taking a piss. Eat while it’s hot.’

In the time they’d taken to prepare their meal, the night had fallen like a humid cloak around them. The air was heavy and still, the sky crowded with dark clouds that hid the moon and stars from sight. It felt like rain.

The spindly trees they had camped beneath would provide little protection from the e
lements if it rained. If Lara was soaked she would likely catch a chill. But he had nothing with them to protect her. In the darkness he looked at the trees. If he cut the fir leafed branches and made a lean-to against the carrus, it might provide enough shelter for a passing storm. He cursed his lack of foresight. At one of the marketplaces he had bought from in the last two days he should have thought to get a waterproof covering, if only to keep the dew from them in the morning. But all he had been concerned about was his stomach.

As more recriminations piled up in his mind, he hurriedly cut and gathered branches. Then he dragged them back to camp, tripping over several times in the dark on the uneven ground.

He saw her huddled outline on the edge of the blanket, much as she’d been when he’d left. This angered him. She was supposed to have eaten. Why did he bother providing for her if she wouldn’t eat?

‘Move the blanket next to the side of the carrus,’ he snapped at her. 

She jerked upright in shock and scurried to do his bidding. Then he leaned the longest branches against the side of the chariot with the blanket beneath. He took the shorter, more flexible branches and wove them between the uprights. While he worked, she didn’t question him. Instead, she seemed to anticipate his needs and began to move their possessions under the low-slung carrus.

By the time the wind began to get up, they had a small lean-to ready for habitation, and they were able to crawl inside. Vali wrapped his cloak around his shoulders and braced himself against the carrus wheel, drawing his mistress in beside him so he could wrap the cloak around her too. They both bent their knees up to keep them away from the edges of the prickly fir.

Once they were settled, they waited silently as the storm grew outside. Vali felt the tension in Lara’s body as if it was his own. She was frightened of him, obeying him out of fear rather than affection, as she’d done before his revelation. How could he blame her for being nervous around him, after the punishing kiss he’d forced on her. She must be waiting in terror for him to attack her again.

The sudden downpour was expected, but its ferocity was shocking. The branches around them shifted and bent under the pounding onslaught. His companion snuggled in closer, despite herself, as the wet wind lashed at the edges of their makeshift shelter and drips found their way through the thick foliage.

Vali tightened his arms around her, feeling the first taste of contentment in the very long day. With her soft body pressed against his side, it was easy to forget the tensions between them. It was easy to forget that they were on different sides of an impenetrable wall. It was easy to think of them simply as a man and a woman, united against the elements.

He could smell her, beneath the dirt and sweat they both wore. His nostrils flared as he caught the warm musky scent. Without realizing he was doing it, he rubbed his cheek against her hair that still smelled faintly of citrons. She lifted her head, as if trying to see his face in the pitch blackness. His hand that clutched his sword to his right side suddenly released that prize and felt for another.

Tentatively, his fingers traced her cheek and pushed her bedraggled hair back from her hot, damp face. When she lifted her chin a little higher, he cupped her jaw in the palm of his hand and held it in place as he lowered his lips to where he knew her forehead would be. He kissed her gently there. Then, when she made no move to draw away, he kissed her small nose.

Vali dare not do more. If he claimed her mouth, it wouldn’t take long for his harsh desires to resurface, trapped as they were in this warm cocoon. And if he loosened the reins on his desire he would terrify her even more. He wasn’t sure he could be with her as she needed, gently, tenderly. Those finer feelings had been driven out of him, if he’d ever felt them at all. Whether he wanted to or not, he would hurt her, destroy her sweet innocence, and any lingering trust she might feel for him.

As if to support his noble self-control, the cold reality of their situation came home to him as one of the woven branches snapped and flew away, letting the rain find access to their snug shelter. Reluctantly, he put her aside, reaching up to close the breach as best he could.

Already the wind was easing and the rain seemed less heavy. The summer storm, so suddenly upon them, would soon pass.

When he settled down again, she dropped her head onto his chest and burrowed in, trying to escape the increasing amount of water that was getting through their bower. He let himself stroke her hair, but made no move to touch her further. It was enough that she was now relaxed against him, all tension evaporated. A start.

Lara pressed her head into Vali’s warm chest, relaxed for the first time since that long ago morning. She was so tired, so bone weary she didn’t know how she stayed awake, even with the storm raging around them, and the cold splashes of water that made their way through their makeshift shelter onto her head. The coarse wool cloak was protection, but even that would soon be soaked through.

She tried not to remember Vali’s anger earlier. It didn’t help to think about that awful savaging of her mouth. If there had been any doubt in her mind that this Vali wasn’t the man of her childhood, then that attack had been evidence enough. Even after she’d apologised, he’d remained closed to her, keeping her at a distance, furious with her.

But now it was as if the old Vali was back. He held her so gently, so protectively. When he’d rubbed his cheek against her hair, she hadn’t known how to take that gesture. And looking up to try to see his expression, to read his mood, hadn’t helped. The darkness around them was absolute. When his hand had come up to stroke her cheek, she wanted to cry. This was her Vali, this gentle giant, touching her with tentative strokes, afraid he would scare her away. When he’d pressed a soft kiss to her forehead and then to her nose, she had felt her heart begin to beat faster. Not with fear. It beat with expectation, excitement, wanting him to kiss her mouth next.

But he had gone no further, kept it brotherly. And though she was disappointed, it was far better than what he’d done before. How could she keep him like this? What did she have to do to help him let go of his rage and become this man. There was no reason for him to wear a mask now. So this Vali was real. And somehow she would help him win the battle with the other.

As the rain eased up and the wind dropped, Lara felt exhaustion take over. Her last impressions, before oblivion claimed her, were of a steady heartbeat thundering against her ear, and the slow, reassuring strokes of fingers through her hair.

When she woke again, it was to find herself lying full length against her Norseman, the canopy above them gone. Still groggy with sleep, she looked up at the twinkling stars. There seemed to be so many of them it would take a hundred lifetimes to count them all.

Vali’s breathing was deep and relaxed. If she moved, she knew he would be awake instantly. So she remained where she was, head pillowed on his heavily muscled shoulder, arm stretched across his chest, holding him to her in sleep, just as he held her, his left arm curled around her, big hand placed possessively on her hip. The cloak was damp against her skin, but the night was hot and so it was bearable. In fact, for all the hardness of the ground, the smell of their filthy bodies, the incessant mosquitoes buzzing around their heads, and worries about her father, she realised she was happy. Content. Free.