The Best of Down Goes Brown (15 page)
Read The Best of Down Goes Brown Online
Authors: Sean McIndoe
Democracy Doesn't Work: A History of All-Star Voting
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The NHL has allowed fans to vote their favorite players into the All-Star Game since 1986, and the results always give us plenty to talk about. It's become expected that fans will stuff the ballot boxes, start write-in campaigns for unlikely players, and generally look for ways to make sure the final results contain a surprise or two.
Debating the All-Star votes has become an annual tradition that dates back to the inception of fan-chosen teams. Here's a look back at some of the more memorable moments in fan voting over the years:
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Montreal Canadiens fans launch a ballot-stuffing campaign they discreetly refer to as “Operation let's get a mediocre defenseman elected to the All-Star team and then see if the Maple Leafs will massively overpay him in free agency.”
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The NHL scoffs at accusations that high-ranking league officials may have tampered with the results of the balloting, after announcing that a record 100 percent of fans voted for Gregory Campbell.
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Despite your careful efforts to punch the ballot just right and then hand it to the patiently waiting usher, you are devastated to learn that your childhood hero has not been selected for the game. Years later, you pinpoint the experience as the exact moment you learned the lifelong lesson that voting for things that are important to you is a complete waste of time.
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Three weeks after the All-Star game is played, mailed-in ballots from Blackhawks general manager Dale Tallon begin arriving at league headquarters.
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Claude Lemieux is flattered to learn that he has been named a starter on the Western Conference team thanks to a write-in campaign organized by Detroit Red Wings fans, although that feeling fades somewhat when he realizes that the same campaign has also elected Eastern Conference starters Rob Ray, Tie Domi, and an angry Doberman.
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Rick DiPietro casts a vote for himself, then spends six months on injured reserve due to the resulting paper cut.
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Defenseman Mark Eaton is the runaway vote leader in fan balloting, causing the league to rethink that season's heavily criticized “Delaware vs. The World” format.
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Attempts by Calgary ownership to encourage fans to flood the league office with write-in votes for Flames players goes awry when the players mistakenly assume the slogan “This Year, Let's All Mail It In!” is the team's new mission statement.
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A concerted write-in campaign by Ottawa Senators fans results in the entire starting lineup consisting of variations of the phrase “Leafs suck.”
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Sidney Crosby attempts to cast his vote, but is thwarted in his efforts to punch the ballot after being unable to locate its crotch.
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The NHL's first attempt at online voting proves unpopular with fans, mainly due to its requirement that fans log on to the website, click on their favorite player's name, and then mail their computer to the league's head office.
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Chris Nilan is named to the Wales Conference All-Star team by head coach Mike Milbury, which would be the funniest joke in this entire book except that it actually happened.
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The league's efforts to encourage grade school children to vote backfires when the two starting goaltending spots are won in a landslide by Ron Tugnutt and Daren Puppa.
Take the Quiz: Should you Rebuild?
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To rebuild or not to rebuild? That's the question facing several teams every year. And while fans and media often talk about the decision like it should be easy, it's actually one of the toughest calls for a front office to make.
After all, if you start the process too early, you could miss out on a chance for one last run. And if you start too late, you may find your assets have lost their value. Either way, making the wrong decision could literally set a franchise back years.
If you're an NHL general manager and you're wondering whether the time is right to blow up your roster and start over, take this handy quiz.
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What would you describe as the main reason that you're hesitating to declare a full-fledged rebuild?
Realistically speaking, we have no need to rebuild right now since the team is already winning.
Strategically speaking, it may be better to hold off until the off-season when we won't feel pressured to make any rash decisions.
Financially speaking, we're not sure how ticket-buying fans would respond to a rebuild right now.
Grammatically speaking, we're pretty sure we'd need to have actually “built” something before we could rebuild it.
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You can tell a lot about the direction your franchise is headed by how the team's youth is developing. When you ask the youngest player on your roster what he thinks it takes to be a winner, he:
Looks around the dressing room and says, “I just need to watch the way these guys prepare every day, and do what they do.”
Mumbles some clichés about hard work and perseverance.
Shrugs his shoulder and says, “Playing a game against us sure seems to work.”
Adjusts his hearing aid and yells, “Speak up, sonny!”
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Most teams don't begin a rebuild if they still have a chance at making the playoffs. Based on the current standings, your team will make the playoffs as long as:
There isn't some sort of work stoppage, since you've already mathematically clinched your spot.
You can stay healthy and avoid prolonged slumps, since you have a solid lead.
There's a surprise mid-season realignment that for some reason puts you in your own conference.
The league starts giving bonus points for regulation losses too, but only to your team.
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Attempts to rebuild can sometimes be blocked by veteran players with no-trade clauses. Do you think your star players would consider being moved?
Players would be reluctant to leave, but would be willing to accept a trade if it was in the team's best interest because of how well they've been treated by the franchise.
It wouldn't be an issue, as we've wisely ensured that we don't have any no-trade clauses on the roster.
It wouldn't be an issue, as we've wisely ensured that we don't have any star players on the roster.
Does scrawling “Get me out of here” on their no-trade clause, wrapping it around a rock and throwing it through my bedroom window every single morning count as waiving? Because if so, we're probably all set.
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A rebuild may be unnecessary if you already have a strong crop of prospects in the minor leagues. What would you consider to be the single-biggest issue with the current state of your farm system?
We have so many elite prospects that we struggle to find ice time for everyone.
We have fewer top prospects than we'd like, since we've traded some away in exchange for some of the top-tier NHL players in our current lineup.
Whenever we try to call up a prospect, he says, “No thanks, I'll stay down here in the AHL where I have a better chance at winning the Stanley Cup.”
We have no prospects because we heard you were supposed to trade all of them for rentals, although come to think of it, that really seemed to confuse the kid working the counter at Hertz.
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It's important to have the support of ownership before undergoing a change in strategy. What does your team's owner say when you mention that you'd like to rebuild for the long term?
Expresses concern because the current roster is already so strong.
Assures you that you're free to do whatever you think is best because he has absolute confidence in your judgment.
Insists that he be allowed to run any potential trades by his most trusted advisor, the GM mode in
NHL 95.
Mumbles, “Uh, yeah, long term,” before going back to giving Bob Gainey a tour of your office.
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Scoring:
Tally up your answers and check below to see how you did.
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Mostly As:
Keep your team intact, since it sounds like it's one of the best in the entire league.
Mostly Bs:
Stay patient, but be prepared to move quickly if the team's performance takes a turn for the worse.
Mostly Cs:
Act quickly: Package your veteran players in an attempt to clear out salary cap space.
Mostly Ds:
Act quickly. Package your personal belongings and stray office supplies in an attempt to clear out your desk.
Mostly scribbles in the margins of the initials “NTC” with little hearts drawn around them:
Yes, you do need to rebuild, but it's too late, Johnâthe Maple Leafs fired you in 2008.
A Tale of Two Homecomings
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December 2, 2010, was a memorable night on the sports calendar due to an interesting scheduling coincidence. That was the night that former Cleveland Cavalier star LeBron James and former Senators sniper Dany Heatley both made their heavily hyped returns to the cities they'd abandoned.
James was the bigger story, of course. His decision to join the Miami Heat as a free agent had been front-page news around the world for months. But Heatley's situation had also created plenty of bad feelings in Ottawa and beyond. And the similarities didn't end there.
Here's a look at two of sports' most notable villains, who briefly shared a night in the spotlight thanks to the schedule makers:
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His decision to leave may have been influenced by Cleveland's reputation as “mind-numbingly boring” and “soul-crushingly dull” and “completely and utterly devoid of anything even slightly resembling a pulse.”
His decision to leave may have been influenced by Ottawa's reputation as “a great option for people who can't handle the excitement of Cleveland.”
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Once it was apparent he would be leaving, Cleveland was forced to reconsider the massive “We Are All Witness” banner that had dominated the downtown skyline since 2005.
Once it was apparent he would be leaving, Ottawa was forced to reconsider the “Stanley Cup Champion” banners Daniel Alfredsson has been pre-ordering prior to every season since 1999.
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By moving to Miami to play second fiddle to Dwyane Wade, revealed himself to be an athlete so lacking in competitive fire that he'd be willing to passively ride another player's coattails to a championship.
By moving to San Jose to play second fiddle to Joe Thornton, revealed himself to be no such thing.
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Die-hard Cavalier fans booed him mercilessly as soon as he stepped onto the court.
Die-hard Senator fans booed him mercilessly as soon as he accidentally blocked their view of Spartacat's hot dog gun.
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Attempted to rehabilitate his image in commercials for the league's biggest corporate sponsor, Nike.
Attempted to rehabilitate his image in commercials for the league's biggest corporate sponsor, Frankie's Used Car Emporium in Skokie, Illinois.
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Apparently based his preferred destination on such considerations as “How will this affect my endorsement opportunities?” and “How will the local tax laws impact my earnings?”
Apparently based his preferred destination on such considerations as “This place isn't Edmonton, right?” and “No seriously, you're absolutely positive it's not Edmonton?”
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Along with Wade, made it a top priority to ensure that former Raptor power forward Chris Bosh would also sign a free agent deal in Miami.
Prefers to pick up his own coffee and dry cleaning.
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Would famously make a handful of chalk disappear into thin air before every home game.
Would famously make $4 million of Eugene Melnyk's money disappear into thin air every Canada Day.
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After only a few weeks in Miami, was briefly embroiled in controversy after he appeared to lower his shoulder and initiate physical contact with his own coach.
Has never been accused of initiating physical contact with anybody.
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Helped lead Cleveland to the franchise's first and only appearance in the final in 2007.
Helped lead Ottawa to the franchise's first and only appearance in the final in 2007, although if you're talking to a Senators fan it's easier to just pretend that you think accomplishments by a different team with the same name from a hundred years ago still somehow count.
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Explained his decision during an hour-long special broadcast on national television, outraging fans and media and doing significant damage to his well-crafted reputation.
Wisely avoided that scenario by never explaining his decision, to anyone, ever.