The Best of Down Goes Brown (12 page)
Read The Best of Down Goes Brown Online
Authors: Sean McIndoe
The Details of Don Cherry's Contract
Â
It's quite possible that Don Cherry is the most popular media personality in hockey, but it's almost certain that he's the most controversial. In fact, Cherry is such a larger-than-life figure that even his contract negotiations can become headline news.
The pattern is familiar by now. Every few years we hear speculation that Cherry is on the way out. Inevitably, that's followed by word that he's signed on for another few years. The news thrills some fans, and infuriates others. And then we all move on.
Since this is hockey, any press release announcing a new deal always includes a line noting that “the terms of Mr. Cherry's contract were not disclosed.” And while that may have been true initially, DGB spies were able to get their hands on a copy of the most recent agreement.
As you'd expect for a star of Cherry's stature, the deal includes a long list of special provisions and clauses:
Â
- From now on, Cherry must agree to avoid the appearance of bias by being careful to refer to the Toronto Maple Leafs as “they” instead of “we,” such as in, “Boy, I really really really hope they win tonight.”
- The deal is in the ten-to-twelve-million range, assuming we're talking jacket patterns.
- As in previous contracts, Cherry must pretend to understand Ron MacLean's show-closing pun at least twice per season.
- The deal has a no-trade clause, for reasons nobody quite understands, but we assume is related to that time the contract was left alone with John Ferguson Jr. for a few minutes.
- Cherry will have rights to use footage from the show in some sort of hockey-highlight video bearing his name, on the off chance he ever decides that's something he might want to do.
- The CBC agrees to continue to only employ stylists who don't know that goatees went out of fashion in 1996.
- Cherry will lead an annual seminar for all other former players and coaches in the broadcast industry entitled “A beginner's guide to having an actual opinion about something.”
- In addition to
Hockey Night In Canada
, Cherry will be contractually obligated to make guest appearances on other hit Canadian television shows, such as ⦠um ⦠geez ⦠is
Bumper Stumpers
still on the air? - Cherry agrees to try to turn down the death metal rap that's always blaring from his dressing room by a few decibels, but he's not making any promises.
- Coach's Corner
will continue to have a fake opening that just leads to another commercial, which will fool you into prematurely shushing everyone in the room and then feeling like an idiot every single freaking time. - The contract will include a small raise for Cherry's support staff and administrative assistants, and a massive raise for the poor sap who has to do his closed captioning.
- The CBC agrees to assist in international efforts to track down every existing copy of the 1993 novelty single “Rock'em Sock'em Techno,” load them onto a rocket ship, and shoot them into the center of the sun.
- Cherry will somehow continue to be allowed to be the only person on the planet to hold offensively outdated and moronic views, such as expressing a preference for his own country.
- In an effort to silence the chorus of critics who constantly demand that he be fired, each Cherry appearance will now be preceded by a brief reminder that he's just going to end up being replaced by Mike Milbury.
- Cherry will be limited to no more than five sick days per year, although Bruin fans know that he'll probably get confused and accidentally use six.
An In-depth Comparison: Daniel Alfredsson vs. Zdeno Chara
Â
Â
Daniel Alfredsson and Zdeno Chara have a lot in common. Both are well-respected veterans. Both play in the Northeast Division. And both established themselves as stars while playing in Ottawa.
At the 2012 all-star weekend, they had something else in common: They each received the honor of being named as a team captain. That meant they got to draft the teams, choose the skills competition lineups, and lead the all-star squads that would bear their names. It also ensured that they're officially linked in the NHL's history books.
But while they share some characteristics, these are two very different players. Let's take a closer look at the two all-star captains.
Â
Born in 1972, on December 11.
Born in 1977, from March 13 to 18.
Â
Has a wingspan of over seven feet if he spreads his arms out.
Has a wingspan of over seven feet if we're counting his hairstyle from 2003.
Â
Once infuriated Maple Leafs fans by pretending that he might throw his stick into the stands before revealing that he was only kidding.
Â
Continuously infuriates Maple Leafs fans by pretending that he might let Phil Kessel get a shot on goal that night before revealing that he's only kidding.
On several occasions over the years, has had to fight the other team's toughest players to send the message that his team can't be intimidated.
On several occasions over the years, has had to fight the urge to grab the team's general manager and scream, “No, seriously, why don't you at least try getting us a half-decent goalie for once?”
Â
Is often referred to by teammates and opponents as “Alfie.”
Is often referred to by teammates and opponents as “Whatever you want us to call you, just dear God please don't hurt anybody.”
Â
Was a guest at the unveiling of a statue in his likeness in his hometown of Trencin in honor of his greatest moment, his Stanley Cup win.
Senators fans will probably present him with his own statue honoring his greatest moment, just as soon as they figure out how to sculpt a writhing Darcy Tucker onto the ground first.
Â
Has a deceptive skill set that can sometimes cause defenders to fail to realize how much speed he can generate until he's already blown by them.
Has a deceptive skill set that can sometimes cause team ownership to choose to spend all their money on re-signing a future minor leaguer instead.
Â
Has the hardest slap shot in NHL history, according to the radar gun at the skills competition.
Has a surprisingly decent slap shot himself, according to an angry Scott Niedermayer.
Â
His career has forced hockey fans to rethink their views on European players and their ability to serve as team leaders.
His career has forced hockey fans to rethink their views on slamming people's faces into metal stanchions, since most of us had assumed there was some sort of rule against it.
Â
Is an avid cyclist who has occasionally ridden stages of the Tour de France course.
Is an avid cyclist who has occasionally ridden stages of the Tour de Wait Why Are All the Senators Always Riding Stationary Bikes in Every Post-Game Interview?
Â
When he made his selections at the all-star draft, he was greeted with a warm ovation from an appreciative home crowd.
When he made his selections at the all-star draft, he was shouted down with loud boos, profanity and personal insults, although eventually the Canucks players quieted down and let him make his pick.
Â
Is fluent in English, Slovak, Czech, Polish, German, Swedish, and Russian.
Lives in Ottawa, so can presumably say, “The vegan restaurant is located between the shawarma place and the other shawarma place,” in both official languages.
Â
No halfway competent general manager would ever trade him away.
No halfway competent general manager would ever trade him away.
Take the Quiz: How Will Your Team Do this Year?
Â
Â
The start of the season is one of the best times of the year to be a hockey fan. Training camp is done, final rosters have been announced, and the games finally matter again. Very soon, we get to start separating the contenders from the pretenders.
But what if you're the type of fan who doesn't like suspense? What if you can't be bothered to watch eighty-two games just to find out whether your favorite team will be any good this year?
You're in luck. By taking the quiz below, you can find out right now whether your team has what it takes to succeed. Simply grab a pen, circle the answer to each question that best applies to your team, and then consult the answer key at the end.
Spoiler alert:
Don't read any further if you want to be surprised.
Â
What is your team's official marketing slogan for the coming season?
“Come and watch us on our quest for the Stanley Cup.”
“Win or lose, you'll always see an honest effort.”
“Hey, as long as everyone has fun and nobody gets hurt there's really no reason to keep score, right?”
“Of course we have no chance, but at least the fans don't know that. Uh, remember not to write that last part down.”
Â
During an exhibition game, you notice your team's coach is using one of those fancy new tablet computers
behind the bench. When the camera zooms in on the screen, what would you expect to see him doing?
Drawing up a detailed play that's specific to the current personnel and game situation.
Reviewing video of a play that took place earlier.
Googling the phrase “How does âicing' work?”
Posting his résumé online.
Â
Your team's prized prospect is often referred to as:
Alexander Ovechkin without the mercy.
Chris Pronger without the mean streak.
Martin St. Louis without the size.
Steve Mason without the limbs.
Â
Whenever experts discuss your team, what is the most common phrase they use?
“The presumptive Stanley Cup champions.”
“The dark horse contender.”
“The complete and utter travesty of a team, an embarrassing collection of unskilled impostors, seemingly lacking in even the most basic human capacity for shame.”
“The Edmonton Oilers.”
Â
How often does your team take a “too many men on the ice” penalty?
Never. The coaching staff has enforced an unshakable teamwide commitment to discipline.
Occasionally. But only because of confusion caused by those two all-star forwards being identical twins.
Often. Your players have difficulty with complex concepts, such as “six.”
Never. The league has ruled that, due to their talent level, it is technically impossible for your team to ever be using “too many” players.
Â
When asked by a reporter for what he would like to be able to say about his team at the end of the season,
the general manager replies:
“That we won it allânothing else will be acceptable.”
“That we always gave it everything we had, even if it was in a losing cause.”
“That we finished near the top of the league in ties.”
“At the end of the season? You should probably ask somebody who'll still be employed here.”
Â
Whenever you hear experts say that your team will contend for a championship, they immediately add:
“Then again, I'm really just stating the obvious here.”
“Of course, that's only if they're able to stay completely healthy.”
“This concludes my demonstration of the sort of thing people say when they've suffered severe head trauma.”
“e5.”
Â
What is currently hanging from the ceiling in your team's dressing room?
A replica of last year's championship banner.
An inspirational quote about never giving up during difficult times.
Streamers, balloons, and a sign reading “Congratulations on winning a face-off.”
The starting goaltender.
Â
Scoring:
Total up your answers, then check below to find out how your team did.
Â
Mostly As:
Plan the parade!
Mostly Bs:
Get ready to enjoy the ups and downs of an interesting season.
Mostly Cs:
Oh well, at least you can look forward to a top-five draft pick next year.
Mostly Ds:
⦠and every other year, forever.
Behind the Scenes at NHL Referee Tryouts
Â
All right everyone, gather around. Welcome to day one of the training course to become an NHL referee. I'll be your instructor, and I'm going to teach you everything you need to know to earn your orange stripe.
I see we have a good turnout today. Wow, there must be hundreds of you. I can see why, of course. You're talking about a chance to be front and center in the greatest hockey league in the world. Who wouldn't want this job? Let's get started.
OK, everyone get in line and head out onto the ice. Once we're all out there, we'll ⦠what's that? Yes, there are people in the stands booing you. Right, sure, one of them seems to be screaming horrible things about your mother. No, of course they don't know you and have never met you. What does that have to do with anything? Do you want to be a referee or not?
Hmm. Did a few of you just turn around and leave? That's weird. I guess they must have forgotten something in the locker room.
OK, let's get started by practicing some close calls down in the corner. Now, this is all going to happen really fast, so be ready. Get into the perfect position. Make sure you have a clear view. Watch carefully, and ⦠make your call. Hey, look at all those hands in the air. Two minutes for hooking? Nice call. Go over and report it to the timekeeper. I'll admit that was a tough one, but hey, you have to learn to call it like you see it.
All right, we're just going to pause here for a moment so the broadcasters can analyze the play in super slow motion from ten different angles and explain to a few million viewers how you got it wrong. Just give them a minute. Don't worry, if your call went against the home team they'll show it on the giant scoreboard so everyone in the arena will get to see it too.
Let's run another play and see how you decide to call it. OK, this time I see that you decided not to call a penalty. Interesting. It was another close play, but if your judgment says it wasn't a penalty then that's absolutely what you should â¦
Oops, I heard a whistle. Oh look, apparently your partner at the other end of the rink decided to call a penalty on that play that happened right in front of you. That's right, the one you were standing five feet away from. He thinks you missed it. What's that? No, of course you can't overrule him. Why would we let you do that? No, you just stand there while he makes the call and basically tells everyone watching that he thinks you screwed up.
Hey, am I imagining things or did we lose a few more people? Weird.
OK, one last important thing to go over. In some cases a play may need to be reviewed, and you'll need to wait for the war room in Toronto to analyze the instant replay. What's that? How will you know when a review is taking place? Oh, we've taken care of that. You'll hear a special horn blast that will alert you. Let's listen to it now ⦠there you go. Nice and loud. Hard to miss.
Is there a question in the back? Yes. Yes, that's right. You get to have a job where 20,000 people get to hear a special sound effect every time your supervisor thinks you may have made a mistake. Cool, eh?
OK, so you hear the horn and you skate over to the timekeeper's area. He'll hand you a phone through the hole in the glass. Try not to get the cord tangled. Yes, that's right, the cord. Because the phones are from 1972, that's why. Be careful with those things. They're valuable antiques.
I'm sorry, what was that? Why can't you just watch the replay yourself? Ha ha. Don't be silly. What kind of league would do that? Right, the NFL, exactly. What do they know?
OK, now it's time to announce the ruling to the crowd. Take a few steps back, face the camera, and look like you absolutely hate this part of your job. Now remember, when you're announcing the decision make sure you only actually say every third word. In the rare event that you've been given a microphone that actually works, you wouldn't want the fans to understand anything you were saying.
Let's all practice that. Perfect. You guys are really good. Well, the four of you who are still here. I could have sworn there were supposed to be more of you.
OK, so far you've been verbally assaulted by strangers, second-guessed by broadcasters, undermined by your colleague, and embarrassed by your boss. Hmm. We may not have time for the part where the players protest a call by wildly overacting because they know the game is being televised. We'll have to cover that tomorrow.
Well, congratulations, everyone. You made it through day one. We simulated a game, and you came through with flying colors. Now it's time to head back to the officials' dressing room, crack a cold beer, and reflect on a job well done. The game couldn't go on without you, and anyone who loves the sport owes you a debt of gratitude.
Hey, speaking of the fans, let's just see what they're saying about you on Twitter. There's some really well-thought-out feedback being shared here right now. This guy has a suggestion for you. Hmm. I didn't even know that was anatomically possible! You guys should really have a look at â¦
Guys?
Man, it's weird how that always keeps happening.