The Best of Down Goes Brown (4 page)

 

 

Concussions have been in the spotlight for several seasons now, as the NHL and its teams slowly but surely begin to take head injuries seriously. The league has even tried to standardize treatment by insisting that injured players undergo concussion-related medical testing prior to returning.

But fans may be surprised to learn that those “tests” aren't especially complex. They're actually just a simple one-page multiple-choice quiz, which has become the league's standard process for diagnosing concussions.

What does that quiz look like? Glad you asked, since I happen to have obtained a copy.

Dear NHL player:

You have recently suffered an injury, which resulted from a direct blow to the head. Congratulations! But before you can play again, league rules require you to pass the following in-depth test to ensure that you have not suffered a concussion.

Instructions:
Answer each question and then add up your score. If you reach 100 points or more, you have a concussion and should not be playing; print out the results and show them to your coach.

 

1.
What's the last thing you remember thinking before you were injured?

“I think I'll just cut across the blue line with my head down.” (+5 points)

“What a nice pass I just made, I think I'll admire it.” (+10 points)

“I'm pretty sure I can squeeze by Kronwall here . . .” (+20 points)

“Hey wait, why are the linesmen backing off and leaving me all alone with Milan Lucic?” (+30 points)

“I'll just adjust my rearview mirror and . . . how did Chris Pronger get into my backseat?” (+100 points)

 

2.
Which of the following common concussion symptoms have you been experiencing?

Slight headache (+5 points)

Short-term memory loss (+10 points)

Nausea or vomiting (+20 points)

Starting to think that the Ilya Bryzgalov signing may have been a good idea (+50 points)

Really enjoying those NHL Guardian superhero things (+100 points)

 

3.
As a result of your injury, are you having any difficulty reading this test?

I am experiencing significant difficulty. (+20 points)

I am experiencing minor difficulty. (+10 points)

I can understand everything I'm reading. (0 points)

I can understand everything I'm reading, which is odd since I'm a European player who didn't speak a word of English prior to getting hit. (+100 points)