The Best of Down Goes Brown (19 page)

BOOK: The Best of Down Goes Brown
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Chapter 47
Seventh Heaven: When One Game Decides the Stanley Cup

 

 

Game seven. Those two words are all but guaranteed to get a hockey fan's blood boiling. There's something almost poetic about a hard-fought series ending with one winner-takes-all game. And when that game seven comes in the Stanley Cup final, the drama can be almost unbearable. With the Cup in the building and up for grabs, every play is crucial and every player knows he has a chance to create his legacy.

For a long time, a game seven in the final was one of the rarest sights in hockey. The best-of-seven format was adopted in 1939, but only eight series went the distance over the next forty-eight years. More recently, though, fans have been spoiled. If you only started watching hockey in 1987, you've been lucky enough to see a seventh and deciding game in the Stanley Cup final eight different times.

Let's take a look back at the past twenty-five years' worth of game-seven drama.

1987: Edmonton Oilers 3, Philadelphia Flyers 1
The memorable moment:
Glenn Anderson scores the insurance goal on a long slap shot, proving the old hockey adage that you can't win the Cup without contributions from your sixth or seventh best future hall-of-famer.
The hero:
Losing goaltender Ron Hextall was the obvious choice in voting for the Conn Smythe Trophy as playoff MVP, according to a dazed NHL official crumpled on the floor with a broken goal stick near his head.
The legacy:
After losing the Stanley Cup final despite an excellent goaltending performance, the Flyers' front office vows never to make that mistake again.
1994: New York Rangers 3, Vancouver Canucks 2
The memorable moment:
A generation of Canuck fans learn that LaFayette is a French name deriving from
la
meaning “the,” and
fayette
meaning “puck just hit the post oh my lord what did we ever do to make the hockey gods hate us so much?”
The hero:
Mark Messier scored the winning goal, creating the last known instance in his career of him having an impact in a game involving the Vancouver Canucks.
The legacy:
The game would go down in history as one of the most watched in NHL history with over five million viewers, and that's just from the one hundred people at a time who tune in whenever it gets replayed on the
NHL Network.
2001: Colorado Avalanche 3, New Jersey Devils 1
The memorable moment:
Fans around the world tuned into the game to see legendary defenseman Ray Bourque win his first Stanley Cup, since they figured that even if the Devils were winning he'd just request a trade to them instead.
The hero:
Alex Tanguay records three points and later credits injured teammate Peter Forsberg for inspiring him, although he'll admit that next time he could probably do with a simple motivational speech instead of that whole “leave your ruptured spleen on the top shelf of my locker” thing.
The legacy:
This would be the final Stanley Cup win of Patrick Roy's career. Since Roy had previously claimed to have the first few championship rings in his ears, Jeremy Roenick was happy to suggest an alternate location where he could stick this one.
2003: New Jersey Devils 3, Anaheim Mighty Ducks 0
The memorable moment:
Paul Kariya's shocking return to the ice after a devastating hit from Scott Stevens was so dramatic and memorable that hockey fans around the world agreed to forget it actually happened in game six instead of in this excruciatingly boring game.
The hero:
Despite the Ducks losing the series, the Conn Smythe was unanimously awarded to the larger-than-life star of the playoffs that loomed over everything, Jean-Sebastien Giguere's shoulder pads.
The legacy:
While he admired their skill and didn't doubt that they could be back in the final someday, Scott Niedermayer couldn't help but wonder why all the Anaheim players in the handshake line kept pressing dollar bills into his palm and winking at him.
2004: Tampa Bay Lightning 2, Calgary Flames 1
The memorable moment:
As jubilant Tampa Bay players vow to be right back in the final next year, Gary Bettman is heard mumbling, “You mean in 2005? Yeah, don't get your hopes up.”
The hero:
Ruslan Fedotenko's second goal gives the Lightning their fourth game-winning goal of the Stanley Cup final, tying a record set most recently by the Flames in game six.
The legacy:
Disappointed Flames fans console themselves that at least they got to game seven of the final, which is further than those losers in Edmonton will ever get.
2006: Carolina Hurricanes 3, Edmonton Oilers 1
The hero:
Cam Ward is the first rookie in twenty years to win the Conn Smythe and instantly becomes the most recognizable hockey player in Carolina history, according to one guy who kind of squints at him the next day before shrugging and walking away.
The memorable moment:
Gary Bettman's press conference extolling the virtues of the new salary cap and its benefits for small-market teams is cut short when he's chased out of the building by torch- and pitchfork-wielding TV executives.
The legacy:
Despite many so-called experts trying to write off their playoff run as a fluke, Chris Pronger assures Oilers fans that he has every intention of being right back in the final next year.
2009: Pittsburgh Penguins 2, Detroit Red Wings 1
The memorable moment:
The Penguins finally clinch their first championship of the Sidney Crosby era, when Nicklas Lidstrom's last-second scoring chance is thwarted on a spectacular diving goalmouth save by Gary Bettman.
The hero:
Unheralded grinder Maxime Talbot comes out of nowhere to score both Pittsburgh goals, leading fans around the world to remark that they'd never noticed how much he looks like Penguins owner Mario Lemieux wearing a fake moustache and glasses.
The legacy:
Everyone agrees that the Penguins are going to win a ton of Stanley Cups as long as this Sidney Crosby kid stays healthy.
2011: Boston Bruins 4, Vancouver Canucks 0
The memorable moment:
With the Vancouver net vacant in favor of an extra attacker, Brad Marchand clinches the win with an empty-net goal, which Canucks fans unanimously agree Roberto Luongo should have had.
The hero:
Bruins coaches inspire Tim Thomas to a spectacular shutout performance by filling the net behind him with baby bald eagles swaddled in the original copy of the Constitution of the United States.
The legacy:
Hockey fans everywhere are reminded once again of three age-old truths: Goaltending wins championships, team toughness is crucial in the playoffs, and it's a really bad idea to tag yourself in riot photos on Facebook.
Chapter 48
How to Dominate your Fantasy Hockey League

 

The hockey pool is an annual tradition for many fans. Training camp is winding down, the season is just around the corner, and all around North America friends and colleagues gather in boardrooms and bars to draft the fantasy teams that will lead them on a path to glory.

Well, maybe not so much glory. For most fans, it's more like a path to frustration, second-guessing, and regret. After all, only one team can take home the league title in any given year. Everyone else will be left to look back on the draft day mistakes that cost them the championship.

It doesn't have to be that way. With a little bit of focus and a clear strategy, you too can dominate your hockey pool. All you need to do is follow these simple tips:

 

  • Be aware of your league's roster rules and the potential consequences of not following them. For example, failing to have two NHL goaltenders on your roster can result in invalid lineups, forfeited matchups, and a front office job offer from the Flyers.
  • Despite still indicating his interest in a comeback, Vesa Toskala has yet to sign with an NHL team. Until he does, don't forget to reduce your scoring projections for every player in the league by about 25 percent.
  • Every year there are a few players who greatly exceed even the most optimistic projections, and who can almost single-handedly determine the winner of a pool. You should probably try to figure out who those guys are going to be this year and then draft a whole bunch of them.
  • When it's time to collect everyone's twenty bucks for the prize pool, ask Sabres owner Terry Pegula if he'd be willing to kick in an extra $10 million up front for no reason. He usually agrees to that.
  • For extra NHL authenticity, remind everyone in the first round of your draft to waste everybody's time with long-winded congratulations to last year's champion and their thanks to whoever is hosting this year's event.
  • Just for fun, take Paul Bissonnette in the last round then send him a message about it on Twitter. He'll probably find that every bit as hilarious as he did the first 500 times it happened.
  • As much fun as a fantasy league can be, never lose sight of the fact that the players you're drafting are more than just names in a row on a spreadsheet. They're also characters from your favorite hockey video game.
  • A “sleeper” is a player capable of putting up big numbers, but who remains unknown to most fans. To find one, try building a time machine and traveling back to before we had the Internet.
  • Jarome Iginla should be at the center of any decent draft strategy. Actually, that's not true—I just wanted to be the first hockey writer to ever use “Jarome Iginla” and “decent” and “center” in the same sentence.
  • Many experts will tell you to avoid Russian players, since as Europeans they're lazy and selfish and refuse to work as hard as North Americans do. This is utter nonsense; Russia is technically part of Asia.
  • Playoff pools: When faced with a choice between two players with similar talent levels and statistical output, it's generally a good idea to lean towards the one whose team qualified for the post-season.
  • Sure, it's always more fun to play in a pool with an “easy money” guy who puts together a terrible team that finishes dead last every year. But Scott Howson already told you that he's busy this week, so stop calling him.
  • Don't be that guy who goes to a hockey game and yells at the players to let them know they're on your fantasy team. To really get their attention, whisper it from under their beds just as they're falling asleep.
Chapter 49
A Period-by-Period Recap of the 2012 Stanley Cup Final

 

The 2012 Stanley Cup final matchup was, on the surface, a tough one to get excited about. The Kings and Devils had no real history together, there was essentially zero rivalry in place before the series started, and there were few if any ready-made storylines to focus on. Many expected that the series could wind up being a forgettable dud, and they looked like they'd be right when the Kings shot out to a 3–0 lead.

And then, almost without warning, the series took a turn. The Devils mounted an admirable comeback, extending the series twice before finally falling in an entertaining sixth game. So while the series isn't likely to be remembered as an all-time classic, it did end up providing its share of memorable moments.

Let's take a period-by-period look back at the 2012 Stanley Cup final:

Game One: Kings 2, Devils 1 (OT)
First period:
The opening face-off is delayed briefly when NHL officials have to spend time reminding the Kings that “hockey” is a fun sport that they all used to enjoy playing right until their third-round series ended six weeks ago.
Second period:
Anton Volchenkov scores for the Devils, delighting all those fans who drafted him as a sleeper in the 4,000th round of their playoff pool.
Third period:
It's possible that all the neutral zone trapping, clutch-and-grab defensive play, and constant shot-blocking might be making these games a little less entertaining than they could be, Martin Brodeur and Jonathan Quick agree during an extended conversation at center ice as the period goes on.
Overtime:
The Kings win the game by catching New Jersey off guard by executing a rarely seen play they refer to as “pass the puck directly to our best player who is skating down the middle of the ice with nobody covering him for some reason.”
Game Two: Kings 2, Devils 1 (OT)
First period:
To mark the first game of the season to be played in June, the NHL apparently decides to air a summer re-run.
Second period:
Fun trivia: According to the detailed research of league historians, this period did in fact exist despite nobody on the planet having a single memory of it.
Third period:
While it's understandable that nobody wants a repeat of Marty McSorley's infamous illegal curve penalty from late in game two of the 1993 final, it still seems kind of excessive when the Kings play the entire third period using ringette sticks.
Overtime:
Jeff Carter looked pretty good during the replay of his winning goal right up until that sledgehammer smashed through the screen, report people watching the game at Jack Johnson's house.
Game Three: Kings 4, Devils 0
First period:
The Kings decide that it's time for Simon Gagne to make his return to the lineup, after they hear a rumor that there's still one Philadelphia Flyer fan left on the planet who doesn't hate them.
Second period:
Somewhere, deep in the bowels of the arena, 2012 Dean Lombardi steps into the time machine to travel back and convince 2010 Dean Lombardi to back off on the bidding and just let Ilya Kovalchuk sign with the Devils.
Third period:
The Devils' coaching staff begins to toy with the idea of making a radical change to their power play, such as maybe putting an extra guy out there sometimes.
Game Four: Devils 3, Kings 1
First period:
Roughly 90 percent of the celebrities who will later claim to be diehard Kings fans become aware of the fact that this series is being played.
Second period:
After the Stanley Cup's handlers explain that the case they're carrying holds something that's world famous, 120 years old, and takes twenty people to lift it, excited LA arena workers exclaim that they've always wanted to meet Jack Nicholson.
Third period:
In one of those hilarious practical jokes that veterans are always playing on gullible rookies, the Devils wait until there are a few minutes left in the third period of a tie game and then convince Adam Henrique that overtime has already started.
Game Five: Devils 2, Kings 1
First period:
Zach Parise realizes you have a chance to score on Jonathan Quick if you can execute a quick one-timer off a cross-ice pass, assuming the pass comes from thirty feet away and is made by Jonathan Quick.
Second period:
An apparent goal by Jarret Stoll is waved off due to a high-stick, which is unfortunate because it took him a long time to climb all the way to the top of the arena rafters first.
Third period:
Alexei Ponikarovsky and Dustin Penner are given roughing penalties after a late-game scrum that starts over an argument about whether it's a more amazing feeling to be traded away from the Maple Leafs or the Oilers.
Game Six: Kings 6, Devils 1
First period:
With one ill-advised boarding major, Steve Bernier instantly becomes the single worst thing to happen to people living in New Jersey since living in New Jersey.
Second period:
The Devils' attempt at a comeback is frustrated when every shot they try to take is immediately blocked by a member of the media who doesn't want to fly back to Newark.
Third period:
As the seconds tick down and the Kings pile onto the ice to celebrate the franchise's first Stanley Cup win, somewhere, Bill Buckner knowingly clinks glasses with Marty McSorley.

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