The Black & The White (26 page)

I remembered Kim telling me the same
thing while I was in Vegas. I wondered if it was a lesson that she
had learned from Jeffrey. How much more of what she had taught me
was wisdom gained from him?

I thought about just how much I had
changed. In my mind, I was the exact same girl, just dressed in
different outfits. Then thoughts of Stephen entered my mind. I had
changed, I concluded, but I wasn’t sure if it was good or
bad.

I started to reflect. I did enjoy my
newfound confidence, my career, the attention from men, female
friendships, my updated sense of style, and the overall general
acceptance. Having Kim and Carin, who understood me, around being
supportive and loving, I finally felt I belonged to a
community.

The water and our boat suddenly felt
still.

Jeffrey went down into the galley and
soon emerged with a fleece blanket.

“
Keep yourself warm,” he
said as he wrapped the blanket several times around my
body.

I looked at him, feeling very tender.
He reminded me of the way I had once felt with Dani. I missed being
held.

“
It often surprises me to
see how money works on people—how it transforms them. On Wall
Street especially.” I listened to him, as I always did, with a
student’s attention. “It is like a cancer that slowly eats at your
soul and leaves only the carcass behind.”

I immediately thought of
Andrew.

A
few days later, Andrew had arranged for a large dinner of
twelve at a small Italian restaurant mixing both broker and client.
He allowed me to bring friends. I chose Kim. I wanted her to tell
me her thoughts of Andrew.

When I arrived, I saw Stephen standing
against the bar with his back to me talking to Andrew.

Buddies!” Stephen exclaimed as he
lifted me up and gave me a hug. I still was feeling strange with
him. I couldn’t shake the feeling I’d had while in Vegas. I hardly
hugged him back. “You look so nice today,” Stephen said.

Kim was the last to arrive, as always,
laughing loudly with the waiter who escorted her to our
table.

I glanced over at Stephen, curious to
see how he was reacting to Kim’s presence. I paid close attention,
following his every eye movement. Stephen noticed her, but unlike
the rest of the men at the table, he seemed indifferent. I was a
bit relieved. I wanted so much for him to want me and no one else,
even though I was still upset.

Kim wore a more modest outfit than
usual to dinner. Her skirt was past her knees. “I’ve got to look
conservative. I’m meeting the man who gives out your bonus,” Kim
whispered in my ear. She was seated to my left between Andrew and
another client. I sat directly across the table from Stephen,
strategically placed there by Andrew.

I looked over at Kim. I pinched my
nostrils indicating she had white residue under her nose. Kim bit
her lip and mouthed “Oops.” I shook my head and mouthed “Not a
worry.” I didn’t care either way. It was only cocaine and everyone
around me seemed to be doing it, without reserve, freely,
anyway.

“
Kiss her on the lips,”
Andrew said out of nowhere.

“
That’s my lovely boss,” I
said to Kim.

“
I’ve heard great things
about you. My name is Kim, Isabelle’s sexier half,” Kim
said.

“
Did she tell you I am hung
like a horse?”

“
Right,” Kim said
sarcastically. She looked at me, and I knew she was thinking Where
did this guy come from?

“
Come on! Just one kiss on
the lips,” Andrew said. Kim looked at him and blew him a kiss to
defuse the situation. I looked at her apologetically.

She then whispered in my ear, “He’s a
puppy dog. I can make him eat from my hands.”

Part of me wanted Kim to lure Andrew
into her web, devour him, and then spit him out in a million
pieces.

“
Ha-ha! She’s awesome,”
Stephen responded. He’d never said that about me, and I wondered
what specifically he was referring to. Was it that Kim was more
attractive? More fun? More alluring? Smarter? I didn’t know what it
was, but I wanted to be that. I wanted him to like me, to notice
only me.

It was the first time I had seen
Stephen since the incident in Vegas. He had made many attempts to
see me after work, but I had been avoiding him. I wanted to wait
until I felt I was able to control my own emotions. I wasn’t quite
sure where I stood with him. I wondered if that kiss had meant
anything to him at all. Though I was excited to see him at dinner,
I avoided eye contact with him as much as possible.

Large plates of sweet prosciutto, head
cheese, salami, and other specialty meats arrived accompanied by an
arrangement of pickles and an array of olives. Then came the main
dishes. It was over the top, as usual. Too much. Like
Vegas.

I got up with the intention to go to
the ladies room to do a line.

“
Hey, you’re not leaving are
you?” Stephen asked.

“
No, just going to the
ladies room,” I quickly replied. I needed some coke. It was now the
one thing that made me feel comfortable and easy.

I sat atop the toilet fully clothed
and began talking to myself. “Get yourself together Isabelle. He’s
married. You’re smart. You’re confident. You’re capable. Get out
there and prove it.”

I took a breath and made several
larger-than-normal lines on top of the toilet tank and then snorted
two into each nostril.

As I descended the staircase to get
back to the table, I found Stephen waiting for me at the bottom.
“Why have you been ignoring me?” he asked.

My heart skipped a beat. I had played
many scenarios in my head, but I hadn’t prepared myself to talk to
him so soon.

“
No, I haven’t been avoiding
you. I’ve just been busy.” I had been busy. I was teaching myself
about synthetic swap spreads until late at night. I had even
proposed a trade idea to Andrew, which he had eventually executed
as a way to get me to be emotionally involved in
trading.

“
Andrew has me going out
with clients all the time.” I lied and hoped my answer was
sufficient. “He even gave me a corporate card!”

“
Good. It’s about time.
Dinner on you next time we go out.”

“
In your dreams,.” I found
it hard not to flirt with him. I wished, more than ever, that I
didn’t know about his wife, or those girls in the room, or anything
other than that we had kissed, sweetly, in a hotel in Vegas, and it
had felt wonderful.

“
Well, I wanted to talk to
you. Can you go back upstairs and grab a drink with me? No one will
notice. Just one drink?” He pouted. “This is me begging. Isabelle.
Please?” He seemed affected by me. I looked into his saddened eyes
and couldn’t help but say yes.

He trailed behind me. I knew he was
looking at my ass as I walked up the stairs.

We sat at the bar and ordered
drinks.

“
Did I do something wrong?”
he asked.

I didn’t know how to respond. How
could I tell a married man that I was disturbed to have seen him
bring a stripper to his hotel after we had kissed?

“
Nothing is wrong. You
didn’t do anything wrong. Seriously. I have just been busy and am
helping my friend Kim go through some stuff,” I said.

He looked at me
suspiciously. I knew he didn’t believe me. He held my
gaze
. Oh, God
, I
thought,
please don’t try to kiss me
again.

“
Alright, can I get a hug at
the very least? I’m sorry for whatever you’re upset
over.”

He reached for my arm and drew me
closer to him. We stared into each other’s eyes. I felt as though
whatever words I wanted to say were said through this eye
contact.

I buried my head in his neck and
inhaled deeply to relish his smell. I missed him. I missed him
terribly. I felt him hug me tighter, shaking his head from left to
right. I wondered what he was thinking. Was he having the same
thoughts? Did he miss me? I closed my eyes and felt him squeeze me
tighter.

“
Oh, Isabelle,” he whispered
into my ear. “I just wish things were…” He stopped himself from
saying anything more. Rubbing my back, he leaned over to speak
directly into my ear. “You just don’t know, do you?”

We let go of each other. I wanted to
say something back but was lost for words. What didn’t I know, I
wondered.

I was hurt and angry but I missed him.
I didn’t want the hug to end.

We decided to walk back down to the
party. Midway down, he grabbed my hand, turned me around, and
kissed me on my lips. I didn’t resist and wasn’t scared of getting
caught.

“
That’s all I wanted to
say,” he said.

When we got back to the table, Andrew
winked at Stephen. “Well, that took a long time. What were you guys
doing up there, huh?”

“
Dude, I just bought her a
drink. I was nice to her. Maybe you should try that once in a
while,” Stephen said, slapping Andrew on the back. I gloated
inside.

As dinner went on, I looked to my left
and saw small lines of cocaine being snorted at the corner end of
the table. Indiscreetly, several people took to the table, bending
low enough to snort the powder, one after another. Kim was one of
them. Someone looked to me and gestured for me to join. I declined
the offer despite my urge.

Kim, having seen the gesture, said,
“No way! Isabelle doesn’t do drugs. Don’t you dare offer her.” She
blew me a kiss.

“
Love you too, Kimmie,” I
said.

“
Give her a kiss now,”
Andrew said.

There was nothing that Andrew said
that didn’t annoy me. This last comment, however, was more than I
could bear. I pictured him tied against a pole while each pubic
hair was plucked from his body, his head shaven and body follicles
waxed. My imagination raced with thoughts of giving him large
breast implants and chopping off his penis for fun.

Kim reached down to put her baggie of
coke in her purse but missed. She was clearly intoxicated. I bent
down to the floor and picked up the small bag and put it between my
fingers, then headed to the bathroom again.

When I got back, plates of miniature
baklava, creamy tiramisu, and chocolate marbled cheesecake were
being served on a silver three-tiered plate. Next to it sat a whole
cake of lemon meringue pie with peaks of torched sugar. Andrew took
his finger and dipped it in the lemon meringue. I watched as Kim
leaned over and seductively licked the frosting from Andrew’s
finger.

“
Ha-ha! That’s amazing!”
Stephen said before he scooped with his index finger enough
frosting to place on Kim’s neck.

I watched as he licked it from her
neck, making his way farther and farther down and stopping only
inches from her breast. I felt paralyzed and betrayed by a woman
who called me her sister and the man who had just nearly professed
his love. The pain was so raw, it was almost numbing. I watched as
though indifferent, yet my heart rate indicated otherwise. The
lower Stephen went down on Kim’s body, the quicker my emotions
changed from hurt to betrayal to jealousy to rage. Had he gone any
lower than where he stopped, I would have thrown the contents of my
glass at both of them. I couldn’t take it. Everything Stephen had
said to me only moments earlier had been negated by his actions.
And Kim, my friend? How could she have done this to me?

“
Can I touch your breast?”
Andrew said, loud enough for me to hear across the room. Kim wagged
her finger at him. “You can touch mine,” Andrew said,
laughing.

Kim reached for his chest and pinched
his nipples. Everyone laughed. I didn’t find any of it funny,
although I forced a smile.

Seconds later, I excused myself to the
bathroom.

“
Where you going?” Stephen
asked. I wanted to ignore him but didn’t want him to believe his
actions affected me. How could I like this man? How could he have
disrespected me like that?

“
Just the bathroom. I’ll be
right back,” I said, although I considered leaving the table for
the night and going to Jeffrey’s. As I was leaving, I heard someone
say, “For as skinny as she is and the trips she takes to the
bathroom, you’d think she was doing blow.”

I ignored Kim for the rest of the
night even though there was a part of me that wanted to relax and
have fun like she was. I held back. I worked with these people and
knew that I could not act in the same manner as she did. I knew
enough. There were lines that could not be crossed. I tried to hold
on to my composure while everyone else partied.

The tally on the bill came to slightly
more than $3,600. Andrew’s broker paid for the evening’s
festivities. “I better get some fat trades tomorrow,” the broker
said, raising his eyebrows at Andrew and smiling.

We all decided to stagger to a club.
As we walked there Kim ran to me. “Hi, baby. I’m having so much
fun.” Her words melded into one long slur, and her breath stank
from the alcohol. She wrapped her arms around me as I braced her to
help her cross the street, guiding her feet one in front of the
other. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to the drunken
Kim.