The Black & The White (28 page)

“
You’re smart, Isabelle.
Don’t be nervous or intimidated,” Stephen said. “I am sure Andrew
knows what he is doing. I’ll help you in any way that I can to get
that promotion. Just let me know what I can do to help.”

I remembered the contingency of
Andrew’s offer.

“
Well, you can help me by
executing through us with market orders.”

“
You’re a star who deserves
a lot but asks for nothing! Of course I will do more trades with
you guys,” Stephen said. “By the way, I bought you a
gift.”

“
A gift?”

He reached into his bag and pulled out
a magazine.

“
Scientific
American
?”

“
Yup. I got you a
subscription. Well, kind of. A broker gave me a subscription. I’m
done reading it. It’s yours now,” he laughed at himself. I looked
at him quizzically.

“
Thanks.”

“
Oh, come on. It’s great!”
Stephen leafed through the book. “You see, you’ll learn about
Quantum computers and how humans are eating the bluefin tuna into
extinction.”

He was right. I did find those things
interesting.

We drank vodka cranberries at the bar,
toasting to life in general.

I wobbled home. Balancing on stilettos
through the streets was a feat for magicians, not drunken trading
assistants.

In the middle of the street, amid the
many other pedestrians, I took out the small bag that I had hidden
in the coin pocket of my jeans and pinched the little white powder
into smaller pieces. I closed my left fist and quickly placed the
powder on the flat surface of my hand. One snort. Two. Three. One
more for the road, I thought. I stood proudly, sniffing the powder
into my nose.

I called Kim.

“
Hey, girlfriend! What’s
going on?” I was laughing. Perhaps, it was the alcohol, the drug,
Stephen, perhaps the combination of all three.

“
I miss you!” I screamed on
the phone to Kim.

“
I miss you too. Are you
drunk?” Kim asked. She was still at work and had planned to be at
work for the remainder of the night, working on a presentation.
There was seriousness in her voice, a tone she called her “work
voice.”

“
I think so. I don’t know.
Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t know,” I said, continuing to walk toward my
apartment.

Kim laughed. She knew I was. I told
her the news of my potential promotion.

“
I just have to get my
clients to trade with me at the market. Andrew is going to help me
execute.”

“
That’s it?” Kim wondered
why the concept of promotion had not been discussed previously. She
was suspicious. She was a damp cloth on my spirit.

“
Yes. That’s it. All I have
to do is get market orders. It’s easy.”

“
A promotion can’t be
contingent on you doing something or not. Promotions don’t spring
out of nowhere. It just doesn’t make sense,” Kim said.

I started to suspect Kim of being
jealous of my promotion. It seemed to be the only explanation for
her lack of exuberance.

“
I know you’re excited at
this new opportunity, but you’ll get job offers no matter what if
you’re good. All you have to do on Wall Street to have staying
power is to not mess up. So, don’t mess up, Isabelle.” Kim paused.
“These people do what they can to get to the top, feasting on
little minnows like you on their way up.” Her last comment struck a
chord.

Not only was Kim intelligent, she was
also street smart and politically savvy. Kim knew how to work the
system and used her sexuality to get what she wanted. It was no
wonder she was successful at her job.

“
You’re junior. You’re
disposable,” Kim said conclusively.

I wanted to ask her about the
abortion. It had been on my mind for a while. I eased my way into
the conversation by talking about something less serious:
Jeffrey.

I came out with it. “I found out about
you and Jeffrey. Why didn’t you tell me?”

There was a pause on the other end of
the phone. I could hear her breathing.

“
He told you, huh? It’s no
big deal,” she said. “We dated a while ago, in college. We’re just
friends now. It was so the past, love.”

What if she decided she wanted him
back and took him from me? I wondered. What if Jeffrey was looking
at me as another version of Kim—a lesser version—and one day
decided he could do better?

“
Don’t be mad. I just
thought if I told you, you wouldn’t give him the
chance.”

That was true. I wouldn’t have given
Jeffrey a chance, but I also wasn’t inclined to take her sloppy
seconds. What if he made comparisons between us?

“
I just feel like you
haven’t been totally honest with me about some stuff.” I wanted to
segue into the abortion topic but she interrupted.

“
Listen, I was young then. I
wanted to spread my wings. I wanted to live life to its fullest. We
were at different points in our lives. He was always so serious,
and I wanted to go out all of the time. We realized we just had
different interests. That is all, love. It was so long ago. Don’t
be mad.”

I wasn’t so much mad as disappointed.
Hadn’t she felt comfortable enough with me to tell me about her
abortion? Was I not that close of a friend? How could she have
hidden something so big like that? I felt hurt.

“
Um. Did you get an
abortion?” I finally asked.

I heard her take in a deep breath.
“Yeah, um. Whoa.” She let out a sigh. “I was wondering when you
were going to ask me about that. I was hoping you wouldn’t
understand what that was.”

I remained silent as I waited for her
to continue. .

“
Yes I did. That’s why M.D.
and I went to Europe. We had to talk about whether or not I would
keep it.” I could hear her voice break. I hadn’t meant to make her
cry.

“
He didn’t want me to have
our baby. I didn’t want to have a child whose father didn’t want
him.”

“
I’m sorry,” I said. “So, so
sorry.”

Still walking, I reached for my pocket
to grab my bag of coke. I needed something to make things better.
My heart was heavy with emotion. I couldn’t very well tell Kim I
would call her back in a minute. I considered what to do. I was
desperate. I wet my pinky in my mouth and dipped it into the bag. I
rubbed my inner gum with the drug until it became numb. I realized
I liked the way it tasted. I even placed a small dab of the
chemical on the tip of my tongue. For a minute, I forgot Kim’s
problems. I forgot I was sad.

“
He said if I kept it, he
would deny it was his. That I would be on my own. But I am on my
own anyway.”

“
Oh, love. I am so sorry. I
don’t know what to say. I felt selfish, worried about a job when
she was handling much more than that, the loss of a man she loved,
as well as his baby.

I need a
drink
, I thought.

“
You know what?” Kim said. I
heard her blow her nose. “I guess it’s for the best. I just got to
do something. Get a company to sponsor my visa. Go back home. Go to
business school. I don’t know. I just need to change the situation.
My mind space is in a funk. I am sorry I didn’t tell you. I just
didn’t want you to worry about me. And thank you for taking care of
me the other day. I’m sorry you had to do that.”

“
Yeah. You don’t have to be
alone, Kimmie. You’re my sister, and I want to be there for you. I
feel like I’ve failed you somehow.”

“
Love, sometimes I just need
to sort things out in my head. Abortions are such a personal thing.
It was the hardest decision for me. I lost two people in my
life.”

“
But I am here. Hey, maybe
you need a cat?! You want to borrow Meowser? He made me smile when
Dani and I broke up.”

Kim chuckled. “You’re adorable, baby.
Maybe you’re right. I’ll get my own cat.”

I wanted to tell her that I kissed
Stephen in Vegas. I wanted to tell her that I had done drugs and
continued to do them. Although my hypocrisy bothered me, I didn’t
say anything. The conversation had already gotten too
heavy.

I
waited with great anticipation as the phones rang and my
Bloomberg screen lit up with bid and offer requests. Andrew seemed
even more stressed than usual.

“
All okay, Isabelle?” he
asked.

Kim’s warning had made me nervous. I
forced a smile, but it was probably evident that I was
nervous.

Everything on the trading floor that
morning seemed twice as loud. I looked around the open space and
watched for suspicious eyes. I listened to conversations, wondering
if they were talking about me. I walked past the five-year trader
who was whispering into the phone. He looked up at me as I walked
past him. “Fucking Bank of China was buying…” I couldn’t hear
Andrew’s voice after a few steps past him.

I wasn’t exactly sure why I was
nervous. But I was. I needed to calm down. I reached for my purse,
grabbed my cup of coffee, and went straight to the
bathroom.

I sat on the toilet seat and drank my
cold coffee, pondering the infinite possibilities that could go
wrong with Andrew’s request. What if I started buying and the
market collapsed? What if I executed at really bad prices? Andrew
was already losing money, according to our P&L. My promotion
was contingent on pulling this day of trading off, I reminded
myself. The pressure of the looming promotion hindered my
confidence.

What if Kim was right? What if I was
only a pawn in this game? What was Andrew really up to? Or was I
just being paranoid. Anson’s comment entered my mind
again.

I needed a line. I needed to focus,
and a little bit of powder in the morning was just like having two
cups of espresso, I figured. I emptied the small bag on the metal
tray above the toilet. Two lines for each nostril.

I looked in my compact mirror and
wiped the speckled powder from under my nostril, then walked out of
the stall. A girl from the back office had appeared. I hadn’t
realized I was not alone. She looked at me with leering eyes. I
knew she had heard my snorts.

I rolled my eyes and
thought,
I don’t fucking care what you
think of me, bitch. It’s none of your business what I do.
I washed my hands to amuse her, looked at her in
the mirror, and smiled. What the fuck are you looking
at?

I headed back to my desk.

“
Fuck! I just got lifted on
those Tens.” Andrew slapped his hands aggressively on the desk. It
was the first time I had ever seen him do that. I jumped out of my
seat. “Isabelle, are you fucking paying attention?!” He screamed. I
nodded yes. “Pick up the phone and get those market orders. Jesus
Christ! We’re bleeding and all you can do is piss?

I picked up the phone and asked
Stephen to sell me some securities to cover the mistake I had made
by going to the toilet.

“
Okay. Done on $500 million.
Executed at the market. What’s your price?”

I relayed the order to
Andrew.

“
You fucking did what? You
tell me first what you are going to do. Jesus Christ, Isabelle. You
fucking tell me what you are going to do
before
you do it!” Andrew was irate.
The whole trading floor heard him yell.

“
But you said to get market
orders. So I did…” I stopped myself from saying more.

“
Do you even fucking know
what we’re doing?”

“
Yes. Synthetic swap spread,
right? Buying cash 10-year Treasuries at 95-26+ and selling CBOT
10-year Swap futures at 103-4+.” I then remembered the formula and
reiterated it back to him. “Treasury yield plus Swap spread plus
Forward start equals Underlying Swap Yield.” I hoped he would
forgive my ineptitude. I was uncertain what I had really done wrong
apart from not telling him before I executed. I got a market trade
as he had asked. I concluded that he was just panicked and became
lost in momentary confusion.

The morning proceeded with
Andrew looming over my shoulders. My mind kept repeating the
term
market orders. Market orders.
It was like I was a schizophrenic.
Tell Andrew before you execute. Market Orders.
Tell Andrew.

I heard Andrew on the other line
continually leveraging our positions in multiples. He was back and
forth from computer to fax machine sending out agreements. The size
of the position we had in our books was intimidating—$4 billion in
trades, which was only the beginning.

As usual, Carin called for lunch, but
I couldn’t leave my desk on such a busy day.

“
So, the ex called me,” she
said. “He wanted me to give back the television he bought me. Can
you believe that? What an asshole. He and that bitch are now living
together.”

“
How do you feel about
that?” I asked although I needed to get off the phone. Andrew was
glancing over at me and looking annoyed. I knew I shouldn’t have
been making small talk on the phone just then.