The Black & The White (37 page)

We were led upstairs to the second
floor of the apartment where beautiful people were sipping from
champagne flutes. I recognized some of the faces in the crowd as
actors and models. Everyone seemed to know each other.

David made his way around the room,
holding my hand. He introduced me as “my friend
Isabelle.”

Kim and Carin aren’t going to believe
me when I tell them this.

“
Come with me for a sec.”
David took my hand and led me into the bathroom. “Here, take this.
It’ll feel good.” He handed me a small pill. I knew what it was,
but I feigned innocence. It was an Ecstasy pill. The only person I
had done that with was Stephen. That pill reminded me of
him.

“
You trying to get me to
touch you all night?” I teased David.

“
Whatever tactic I can use
to take away your inhibitions, I will use.”

I washed the X down with the Dom
Perignon. I immediately felt the tingling sensation through my head
and throughout my body. My senses became astute and sensitive. Each
touch of his was arousing, intensified. This Ecstasy was a lot
stronger than the pills Stephen and I had taken. The feeling was
euphoric and like nothing I had felt before.

I left the bathroom holding David’s
hand. No one paid much attention to us leaving the bathroom, except
one model, standing in the kitchen. She winked at me.

The novelty of being in a room full of
celebrities and models quickly wore off. I was caught up in my own
mind, no longer feeling the excitement of putting my arm around a
famous person.

I went back into the kitchen where all
of the models had collected around the black-marble island
countertop. I recognized one of them from the glossy pages of the
fashion magazines I regularly flipped through. Her name was
Natalia. She asked me if I was having a good time.

At that moment, Stephen called again
and I excused myself to the bathroom.

“
I miss you baby,” he said.
“I need you to tell me you have a crush on me.”

He was drunker than before and
considerably less coherent.

“
Please tell me.” I heard
his loud breathing on the phone. “You haven’t called me at all.
Have you forgotten me? I miss you so much, I can’t handle it. I
don’t want to be with another woman. I only want your body. Just
mine and yours, touching. Please don’t have any other man touch
yours.” His speech was barely recognizable.

“
Stephen, I can’t understand
you. I’ll call you later. This conversation is annoying.” I hung up
the phone.

I walked to the counter to fill up my
glass. Even wearing high heels, I was the shortest girl of the
entire group in the kitchen. On the counter, I saw what the group
was huddled around: a silver tray of cocaine.

“
Want some?” Natalia,
offered a bump of coke on the end of the butter knife she had been
making lines with. I took a bump without a pause for
thought.

Natalia walked languidly, like a
seductive courtesan, around the kitchen island to me, offering me
caviar from a large tin. I couldn’t resist the offer.

“
Oh, my God. I love, love
this stuff. Osetra, right?”

“
In Russia, my grandma used
to bring a lot of caviar in a glass jar from the market. We fucking
ate it for breakfast lunch and dinner. We were poor, so that was
all that we could afford. We had to eat it fast before it went bad.
By the end, I couldn’t eat the fucking shit anymore.” Natalia
placed her finger into the tin and scooped the caviar into her
mouth. “Now I love it.”

I couldn’t help but notice just how
long, smooth, and skinny her fingers were, like candlesticks. I
looked at her narrow arms and compared them to mine. I was getting
as skinny as those models.

“
I don’t know if I could get
sick of it,” I said, as I also scooped caviar with my fingers out
of the blue can. We giggled. I looked at my own fingers. I wished
they weren’t so manly.

“
How can you? This is the
best. From Iran,” she said, smiling. “This stuff makes me horny.”
She dipped her finger in the can and fed me.

Her finger rolled around with my
tongue until she pulled it out. She smiled seductively. I looked
around to see if anyone had noticed.

Nervously, I began to pick at the
bread on the table. “Hmm. This is super tasty,” I commented. I
didn’t know what to say to fill in the silence.

“
Poilane,” she said. “The
best French bakery.” She reached into the can and put her finger
into my mouth again, this time lingering longer. It was an odd
feeling having my tongue fondled by a finger, but the novelty of
being touched by a model was amazing.

“
Come here, I will show you
something good.” It was the second time that night that someone had
taken me into the bathroom. Everyone in the kitchen had noticed,
but it did not seem to phase them. She latched the lock of the
door.

Natalia wasted no time kissing me. I
opened my mouth and felt her soft, warm, moist tongue sliding
against my own. Suddenly, she stopped.

“
There. Swallow it.” Natalia
had slipped me another Ecstasy pill.

She gave me a small peck on the lips
and opened the door. “You’re so fucking sexy.”

She walked back into the kitchen as I
made my way into the living room to find David.

The party had now doubled in size.
Everyone from David’s production team had arrived. I hadn’t talked
to David much at the party. He was busy talking to his actor
friends, while I entertained myself with other people. There were
many interesting characters there, from an author of mystery novels
to a former Buddhist monk. It was a world much different than the
world full of finance assholes I grew accustomed to.

As the crowd began to die down,
Natalia found me in the library and gave me a kiss goodbye. “I have
a motherfucking shoot. I have two hours to sleep before I fly to
Rome. Get my number from David, sweetie.”

She pecked me on the lips before
leaving, and I didn’t back away. I wanted to kiss her again. I felt
like the ugly girl in school who had finally been accepted into the
cool crowd.

I also wanted to leave. I was getting
tired. I nudged David, and he agreed to go.

We walked hand in hand into the hotel
room, past curious staff members who were star-struck.

We disrobed as though we had been old
lovers, brushed our teeth, washed our faces, and used the toilet in
each other’s presence. Now that the X had worn off, the spark
between us was gone. There was no sexual chemistry at all. Although
we were comfortable together, I knew there was nothing more to the
relationship for me beyond the intrigue of his stardom. However, I
had enjoyed lying in bed with him in New York talking, especially
laughing at our awkwardness in school. I realized David was more of
a friend than a hot, passionate lover like Stephen.

We slept in a spooned position. It was
comfortable to fall asleep in the arms of a man. In the morning, I
woke up and saw his face.

He kissed my lips and whispered, “Good
morning, baby.” I kissed him back. But that was that. There was an
unspoken awareness between us that the spark had died. I just
wasn’t attracted to David.

I missed Stephen.

While David was in rehearsals, I
walked around alone, on the streets of Knightsbridge, browsing
through the expensive stores, lost in thought. I made my way
through Sloane Street passing all the Fifth and Madison Avenue-type
stores and onto Brompton Road, finally ending up in the equally
elegant Beauchamp Place.

I didn’t feel right being in London.
As comfortable as it was, I couldn’t imagine spending one more
night with David. I sat at a Pizza Express and contemplated. I knew
that my mood had been affected by the Ecstasy from the previous
night, but even beyond that, I still felt strange.

I thought about leaving that evening
as I forced myself to take one more bite from my plate. I no longer
wanted to be in London. I wanted to be with Jeffrey. The thought of
him made tears well up in my eyes.

By the end of the lunch, I concluded
that I had to leave. I had to mend things with Jeffrey.

I wrote a note to David.

“
Thank you for everything.
Something came up. I have to go back to New York. Kindest,
Isabelle.”

I took the next British Airways flight
back to New York.

I
tried to get ahold of Jeffrey as soon as I touched down, but
he didn’t answer his phone. I called Kim and asked her if she had
heard from him. She hadn’t. I continued to call him. I continued to
call several times a day for a week straight but was always
immediately sent to voicemail.

That Sunday, Kim, Carin, and I met up
at a restaurant in the Meatpacking District called Pastis. It was
famous for their Sunday brunches. It had been a while since the
three of us had gotten together. I told them all about my London
trip. They were disappointed that David had fallen out of my lineup
of boyfriends.

“
Well, he probably has a
small dick anyway.” Kim said. We lifted our glasses and
toasted.

We drank champagne and gossiped until
Kim suggested we play a game called Have You Ever? that she had
learned in college. Someone would ask a question starting with the
words “Have you ever?” Anyone who had performed the action in
question was supposed to take a drink from her wine
glass.

“
So, ladies,” Kim said. “Let
the gaming begin. Have you ever shoplifted?”

She drank from her champagne glass.
Carin did as well. They both looked at me.

“
Oh, come on, Isabelle!
Never even stole a candy bar?” Carin asked.

I shook my head.

“
Have you ever cupped your
own fart and smelled it?” Carin asked.

“
Gross!” Kim and I
squealed.

Carin drank from her glass. “I take
that as a no!” She laughed.

It was my turn. “Have you ever…” I
paused. I didn’t know what to ask. “Have you ever…” I contemplated.
“Okay, have you ever kissed a girl?”

“
Oooh, baby. We’re going
there now, are we?” Kim said as she drank from her
glass.

I waited for Carin to finish drinking
before I lifted my glass to my lips.

“
No fucking way. I don’t
believe you, Isabelle,” Carin yelped, laughing in
disbelief.

“
That’s hysterical. You did
not! When? Who? How?” Kim asked.

I told them about Natalia.

“
What the hell? I kiss some
ugly chick in college and you snag a model? I need another drink,”
Carin said, laughing.

“
Um, I have one. Have you
ever…” Kim paused. “Have you ever started dating M.D. again,” she
said.

“
What?” I said. Carin and I
both looked at her.

Kim admitted she had begun seeing M.D
again.

“
Yeah, I know. Jeffrey told
me,” I said. “Why would you lie about that to your best
friends?”

She explained that she hadn’t wanted
to tell us because she knew how we would respond. She admitted to
seeing him often, but not as often as in the past.

“
It’s like a really bad drug
habit you can’t kick. I can’t stop myself,” Kim
explained.

Carin and I nodded in agreement. The
mood had grown somber. Although Kim was speaking of M.D., I
realized that I too had a bad drug habit I couldn’t kick. I took a
drink from my wine glass, trying to stop myself from crying. I felt
duplicitous. I was the one now lying to my best friends.

I had wanted to approach Kim about
M.D. since Jeffrey had revealed their affair, but I was afraid. It
was a nice feeling that she was now being forthright and honest
with me. I wanted to tell her about Stephen but couldn’t find the
courage to do so. There was no need for anyone to know about the
affair, I rationalized. Stephen had asked me to keep it
quiet.

“
I really am sorry, you
guys. I am just scared to get into this relationship again knowing
it isn’t healthy,” Kim said.

“
You will leave him when you
are ready, babe,” Carin said.

“
Yeah, don’t sweat it. It
just hurt to hear it from someone else,” I said.

“
Sorry. Group hug?” Kim
asked with tears in her eyes. We all stood up and reached our arms
to each other over the wine bottle we nearly spilled. “I love you
guys,” Kim said.

“
We love you too, Kim,”
Carin and I said simultaneously.

We all sat back down, and I spoke
about not being able to get in touch with Jeffrey. It was unusual
behavior for Jeffrey to go radio silent on me.

Kim offered to intervene, but I
refused.

Carin suggested that I suddenly appear
at his doorstep. “Go Boiling Rabbits on him,” referencing to a
movie called Fatal Attraction.

“
Don’t worry about Jeffrey.
He’ll resurface. He has a tendency to go cold turkey when he’s not
happy,” Kim said. I was reassured by her history of knowing him.
“And trust me, he’s not going anywhere,” Kim said with a
wink.