Authors: Michael Garriga
The Book of Duels
THE BOOK OF DUELS
This is a work of fiction. Characters, places, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination, and any real names or locales used in the book are used fictitiously.
© 2014, Text by Michael Garriga
© 2014, Cover and interior art by Tynan Kerr
Ledger art for “A Scalping” © Megan Garriga
All rights reserved. Except for brief quotations in critical articles or reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from the publisher: Milkweed Editions, 1011 Washington Avenue South, Suite 300, Minneapolis, Minnesota 55415.
(800) 520-6455
Published 2014 by Milkweed Editions
Cover design by Rebecca Lown
Cover illustration by Tynan Kerr
Interior illustrations by Tynan Kerr and Megan Garriga
14 15 16 17 18
5 4 3 2 1
First Edition
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Garriga, Michael Christopher, 1971–
[Prose works. Selections]
The book of duels / Michael Garriga ; illustrations by Tynan Kerr.—First Edition.
pages
cm
ISBN 978-1-57131-886-2 (ebook)
I. Kerr, Tynan, ill. II. Title.
PS3607.A77335A6 2014
813'.6—dc23
2013043097
Milkweed Editions is committed to ecological stewardship. We strive to align our book production practices with this principle, and to reduce the impact of our operations in the environment. We are a member of the Green Press Initiative, a nonprofit coalition of publishers, manufacturers, and authors working to protect the world’s endangered forests and conserve natural resources.
The Book of Duels
was printed on acid-free 100% postconsumer-waste paper by Friesens Corporation.
For Robert Olen Butler
Table of Contents
Slouching toward the Land of Nod: Abel v. Cain
Children of the Sun: Miyamoto Musashi v. Sasaki Kojiro
First-Called Quits: Josiah Pelham v. Luke Vanderhosen
Founding Fathers: Alexander Hamilton v. Aaron Burr
A Scalping: Wiley Thompson v. Asi-yahola
Steel Hole by Hole: John Henry v. Conor MacKenna
Into the Greasy Grass: George Custer v. Ptebloka Ska
Fiesta de Semana Santa:
Sueño de Fuego v. Ignacio Lopez y Avaloz
Night of the Chicken Run: Charles Summers v. George Scarborough
Dueling Banjos in the Key of A: Billy Redden v. Ronny Cox
Peleas de Gallo
: Caesar Julius v. I Am
A Saint and His Dragon: George v. Dragon
Judicium Dei
or Trial by Combat: Jacques Le Gris v. Jean de Carrouges
Tilting at Windmills: Argus Nicholas v. Don Quixote
On Moses’s Failed Insurrection: Unbada v. John Cantrell
A Black Night in the South: Ezekiel Ackers v. Alexander McCarthy Sr.
Slap Leather: James Butler “Wild Bill” Hickok v. Davis Tutt Jr.
The Black Knight of the South (A Gothic Romance): Cadet Moran v. Alexander “Lex” McCarthy Jr.
Catfight in a Cathouse: Cora Carol v. Vivian LaRouche
Shanks in the Courtyard: Miguel Ramirez v. Muhtady Nu’man
Code of Conduct: “Big” Mike Frato v. “Unkillable” Danny Greene
It’s a Family Affair: Danyelle Sellers v. William Sellers
Delivered into His Hands: David v. Goliath
Dueling Visions of
David:
Donatello v. Michelangelo v. da Vinci
A Prediction Come to Pass: Gabriel, Comte de Montgomery v. King Henry II
Old Hickory: Charles Dickinson v. Andrew Jackson
Man above Challenge: Emile Dauphin v. Dale Culver
Pistols at Twenty Paces: Philip Lacroix v. Etiene Thigpen
Check, Mate: Arthur John (Jack) Johnson v. Gregori Rasputin
Me and the Devil Blues: Robert Johnson v. Charlie Trussle
Custody Battle for Chelsea Tammy: Tyler Malgrove v. Sam Bowling
The Magic Hour: Megan Garriga v. Jaume Garriga
Occupational Hazard or
Ars Poetica
: Shoulder Angel v. Shoulder Demon
When challenged to a duel, do much or nothing at all.
Casanova,
The Duel
(paraphrase)“Duels were demonstrations of manner, not marksmanship; they were intricate games of dare and counterdare, ritualized displays of bravery, military prowess, and—above all—willingness to sacrifice one’s life for one’s honor. A man’s response to the
threat
of gunplay bore far more meaning than the exchange of fire itself.”
Affairs of HonorIn one of the most famous duels of early New Orleans, Bernard Marigny challenged James Humble, a Georgian who stood almost seven feet tall, to a duel. Humble told a trusted friend, “I will not fight him. I know nothing of this dueling business.”
“You must,” his friend protested. “No gentleman can refuse a challenge.”
“I’m not a gentleman,” Humble retorted. “I’m only a blacksmith.”
Humble was assured that he would be ruined socially if he declined to meet the challenge of the Creole, who was a crack shot and noted swordsman. However, his friend pointed out that as the challenged man, the blacksmith had the choice of weapons and could so choose to put himself on equal terms with his adversary. Humble considered the matter for a day or two and then sent this reply to Marigny: “I accept your challenge, and in the exercise of my privilege, I stipulate that the duel shall take place in Lake Pontchartrain in six feet of water, sledgehammers to be used as weapons.”
Since Marigny was less than five feet and eight inches tall, and so slight that he could scarcely lift a sledgehammer, this was giving Humble an equal chance with a vengeance. Marigny’s friends urged him to stand on a box and run the risk of having his skull cracked by the huge blacksmith’s
hammer, but Marigny declared it impossible for himself to fight a man with such a fine sense of humor. Instead he apologized to Humble, and the two became firm friends.
The French Quarter
(paraphrase)Inspired by movie gunfights, Nobel Prize–winning physicist Niels Bohr first suggested the intentional act of drawing and shooting is slower to execute than the reactive response. He once did an impromptu research project to find out why good guys in movies always win quick-draw duels. After many mock gunfights in university hallways with graduate students, Bohr concluded the villain always tries to draw his gun first (and so must consciously move his hands), while the hero always reacts and draws by reflex as soon as he sees the villain moving. There is good evidence from imaging scans that our brain system uses different messaging routes depending on intentional and reactive movements, but this is the first time the two speeds of thought have been calculated.
“I, being a citizen of this State, have not fought a duel with deadly weapons within this State nor out of it, nor have I sent or accepted a challenge to fight a duel with deadly weapons, nor have I acted as second in carrying a challenge, nor aided or assisted any person thus offending, so help me God.”
To avert an all-out war, the vice president of Iraq, Taha Yassin Ramadan, suggested the following on October 2, 2002: “The American president should specify a group and we will specify a group and choose neutral ground, with Kofi Annan as referee and use one weapon with a president [Saddam Hussein] against a president [George W. Bush],
a vice president against a vice president, and a minister against a minister in a duel.”
“In the freshly minted United States of America, the punishable-by-dissection category was extended to include duelists, the death sentence clearly not posing much of a deterrent to the type of fellow who agrees to settle his differences by the dueling pistol.”
Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers“Some people stop living long before they die.”
“I thoroughly disapprove of duels. I consider them unwise and I know they are dangerous. Also, sinful. If a man should challenge me now, I would go to that man and take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet retired spot, and
kill
him.”
The Autobiography of Mark Twain“On February 5, 1897, Marcel Proust challenged the literary critic Jean Lorrain to a duel after the latter, a homosexual himself, alluded to Proust’s sexual affair with a man of means, suggesting this was how his novel
Pleasures and Days
came to be published. Both men fired shots and missed and, in this manner, Proust’s honor was restored. It has been apocryphally noted that, years later, Proust would say that when he fired his pistol, the smell of the gun smoke was so strong, it sent a series of flashes roiling through his brain to an ultimate moment when, as a child, he’d first sat in front of an open fire eating, but what else, a madeleine.”
“Those are people who died, died / They were all my friends, and they died.”
“Another study found only one duelist in fourteen died. Most duelists escaped unscathed, or with minor wounds, at worst. It had become fashionable among some writers to portray these affairs as more farcical than fatal.”
The Duel: Alexander Hamilton, Aaron Burr, and the Future of America