The Book of Even More Awesome (15 page)

Dial them up today.

AWESOME!

It's a beautiful moment.

Your friend suddenly starts shaking her head while laughing so hard little streams of
salty tears
start running down her cheeks. She covers her mouth with her hands as her face turns red—and you can see
shiny reflections sparkle
in her glittery wet eyes. Big booms bounce off walls until she eventually slows down, gasps for air while
wet sniffling,
smiling widely, and regaining her composure.

And then she looks you right in the eyes and smiles. And you look her right in the eyes and smile. And your sides hurt and
you shake your head
and you feel like you might pee your pants . . .

And it starts all over again ...

AWESOME!

You know the ones.

Maybe they fit perfectly,
don't ride up
, and leave nothing bulging over the edges. Yes, they flatter in all the right places and all the right spaces, baby.

Or maybe you're a
straightlaced Sally
and they're your wildly inappropriate pair that turn you into a G-String Rebel. Caution:
RED HOT!

Or ... maybe they're just the perfect shade of the
perfect color
and you've had them in your dresser drawer for ages. Maybe they remind you of a special moment or a memory that's fun to keep to yourself all day. Maybe they just give you a little more confidence for that speech or first date.

But whatever yours are and whatever they look like, there's something great about giving yourself a smile. Because hey, wearing your favorite underwear when nobody knows is a cheap way to
think positive thoughts
without doing anything too earth-shattering.

It's just a simple thing for a simple smile.

AWESOME!

My friend Mike once broke a tooth on a chicken wing.

Yup, snapped a big chunk off one night when he chomped down on a fatty, bony, sauce-drenched wing. But you know what? Mike just kept right on eating. With his new fang he looked like a bear that just woke up from hibernation, stumbled to the river,
scooped a salmon out
, and then started gnawing viciously on its raw belly, pink guts spraying everywhere.

No, there wasn't anything more important to Mike at that moment than finishing that delicious chicken wing, not even if it meant infecting exposed roots, cracking more teeth, or spraying sauce all over the table. He was in the
Any Food Requiring Wet-Naps And Napkins Zone
. His eyes staring straight ahead, his sticky, coated fingers balancing and turning the wing an inch from his face, Mike didn't stop until he had turned the wing into a needle-thin bone and tossed it on the scrap plate. Then he leaned back on his chair gasping for air, bright red sauce and guts smeared all over his mouth and fingers.

When I tell people this story they usually nod their head and say something like “Were the wings any good?” or “I love chicken wings.” But this makes sense, because who really cares about Mike's tooth? He'll get it fixed. The point here is that wings are delicious. In fact,
any food that requires Wet-Naps and a stack of napkins is delicious
. Ribs, rotisserie chicken, chili cheese fries? Delicious, delicious, even more delicious. All requiring Wet-Naps and a stack of napkins.

We know these foods are great because of what happens whenever you're out late at a bar and somebody orders a pitcher, and then somebody else raises their eyebrows, looks around the table, and goes
“Wings?”
If this happens, no matter what you have to say: “Ohhhhhh ... no, I really shouldn't.” Then you let a long pause just hang in the air as you slowly purse your lips and allow a very thin smile to reveal itself on your face. Then very quickly give an exasperated “I give in” laugh, a head shake, and an “Alright, I'm in!” and you're done! (To show decisiveness and finality, it's also recommended you toss your menu into the center of the table and tell a really long story about some hot wings you once ordered that turned out to be
much hotter than you expected
.)

So there you go. Messy, sticky, saucy food is great. You order it, you polish it off, and then there are three ways to use the Wet-Nap and napkin combo at the end:

Whatever your style, one thing's for sure: When that handful of Wet-Naps and stack of napkins arrives at the table, you better get yourself ready for a great night.

AWESOME!

Cruising home from a friend's place,
driving the kids to school
, rolling home on the highway, you smile softly and focus on the road as your head bops to the stereo.

Suddenly clouds cover the sky,
the air gets heavy
, and big drops start pitter-pattering your windshield. Snare drum staccatos fill your car's cabin and you quickly flip on your windshield wipers.

But if you're lucky this is when the
groove starts grooving
and your
car starts moving
as you notice your wipers are timed perfectly to the stereo beats. Yes, without even trying, your rusty bucket's become a pitch-perfect concert hall on the highway. Chattery crowds start filing down the aisles, the balcony fills up, and the lights slowly dim as whispers fill the air.

Hands clapping, fingers tapping, you click your turn signal on so a little high hat and
dashboard disco light
join your dance party on wheels. With your body bumping and your brain thumping, your
one-man jam band
rocks out in the fast lane.

It feels like everything's coming together for a great
big booming moment
. You sing along as cosmic energy swirls and the universe gives a little wink to let you know everything's unfolding according to plan.

AWESOME!

Once again your room is at the top of its game.

No more tripping on crumpled
jeans flowers
on your way to the light switch. No more grabbing random sweaters off your desk only to notice
streaky mustard stains
later in the day. Nope, no more dust bunnies, no more dried-out pudding cups, and no more bedside tables jammed with junk.

As you sit on your bed and look around you enjoy a brief moment of living in a
furniture magazine
. Crisp and clean, free and fresh, you can practically hear the phone ringing and a fast-talking group of Scandinavian engineers begging to come over and study your work.

Let them come over and stare down their glasses at your
tightly crisped bedsheets
. Let them make clipboard notes on your clean-carpet vacuum streaks. And let them swipe their lab coat sleeves on your dust-free couch seats.

Yes, you killed a few hours cleaning up the joint and now your place is looking sparkling and special. Stop for a moment to let it all soak in.

AWESOME!

It sure is a sign of
gluttonous satisfaction
when you find yourself home alone, slouching on the couch in front of the TV with your eyes half open, a steady trail of cookie crumbs making its way from your mouth onto your shirt and pants,
chocolate smears
on your lips and fingers, and the telltale cookie package lying beside you, the plastic tray peeled all the way out of the bag, entire rows lying vacant except for a bit of brown dust and maybe a
rogue chocolate chip
or two.

Yes, it's satisfying alright, because many delicious cookies were eaten, without witnesses, in a very quick and steady stream by shoving them into your mouth, chewing a few times, and then swallowing quickly to make room for the next one. You're a monster and you love it.

Eating cookies like Cookie Monster is great because, more than anything, it represents freedom. Yes, free thought takes you to the pantry, free will makes you grab that cookie package, and free reruns keep you company while you sit down and enjoy. You're the
Executive Chef
in your personal Dessert Kitchen here. Just tell me that's not liberating.

I mean, sure, we all know it's not the greatest idea to eat a pile of cookies just before bed, but that's not the point. The point is: You can do it. Yes, you've come a long way from the portion-controlled snacks you got when you were a kid, maybe two cookies on a small plate with a tall glass of milk that just whet your appetite for more. Now it's all you all the time, baby. Nobody is going to stop you except you. You can eat a whole row.
You can eat two whole rows.
You can plow them in there. You can savor them slowly. The point is it's such a great feeling to scarf cookies with abandon like Cookie Monster.

Truly, he is the role model for us all.

AWESOME!

The nine-to-five brought you together.

Cracking jokes by the copier,
swapping stories on the line,
laughing in the lunchroom, you found a friend between policies,
procedures
, and paperwork. When you got together, you started noticing you were just you,
just hanging out
, just laughing about your day.

Then one day your friendship zoomed to a new level. Maybe you grabbed a beer one night,
got a surprise birthday invite
, or became new texting pals.

Yes, you turned a work friend into an outside-of-work friend, baby. It wasn't easy but you took the chance,
you made the leap
, and now you're rocking with someone new.

AWESOME!

After playing, playing, playing, you finally hear the car pull into the driveway,
the boots clomp up the steps
, and the key slide into the front door.

Time to drop what you're doing and race down the hallway for a big welcome back celebration.

Also known as The Hallway Rock Star Moment.

AWESOME!

Feel that fuzz.

Yes, when you toss on a brand new sweatshirt just smile and enjoy the smooth silky softness rubbing against your skin. There are no lint balls,
fraying sleeves
, or crinkled tags scratching at your neck. It's just the cottony soft freshness of a brand new friend.

Of course, we both know the washer and dryer will
slowly murder
our sweatshirts over time. That's why if you're like me you try and stretch out that cozy
first-wear feeling
as long as possible. You keep wearing it and wearing it
and wearing it
and wearing it, all the while hoping nobody calls you out on the fact that you don't wash your clothes.

But come on, it's worth it. It's worth the looks. It's worth the stares. It's worth the undershirts smeared with red lint. So go ahead! Toss on a pair of sweatpants, plop down on your cushy couch, and lie back in your sunny and relaxing world of

AWESOME!

Déjà vu is that strange feeling of having already experienced a new situation sometime in the past. You chalk it up to a
dream or vision
of the future and briefly think you might be a long-lost descendant of Nostradamus who sees over the horizon of time. You conjure up visions of curing terrible diseases,
cashing in on the stock market
, or always getting the right answer on Final Jeopardy!

Now you just need to harness your powers.

AWESOME!

If your bad back,
busted ankle
, or bum knee is keeping you off the courts, then get ready to lean back and remember the game you loved ...

Just grab the apple core, swivel your chair sideways, and shoot a majestic three-pointer into the metal garbage bin. And don't worry—if you're inside the line, just go with a hook shot off the
glass fire extinguisher case
hanging on the wall.

Two points!

Now, before you start firing, it's important to make sure you've got a size and weight that works. Waxy, balled-up
hamburger wraps
are great. Flimsy granola bar wrappers are not. If you try tossing those granola bar wraps you'll find yourself missing the hoop and then casually glancing around to see who noticed before
sheepishly sharp-elbowing
your way to the rim to scoop your own dirty rebound.

No, the key to pulling it off is simple: Grab a ball that flies,
aim your hands to the skies
, and fire that garbage into the trash can nearby.

AWESOME!

Déjà vu is that strange feeling of having already experienced a new situation sometime in the past. You chalk it up to a
dream or vision
of the future and briefly think you might be a long-lost descendant of Nostradamus who sees over the horizon of time. You conjure up visions of curing terrible diseases,
cashing in on the stock market
, and always getting the right answer on Final Jeopardy!