The Book of Even More Awesome (11 page)
Read The Book of Even More Awesome Online
Authors: Neil Pasricha
After the picture slides out and the
color fades in
he staples it to a foam board in his front hallway. Over time he's created a giant collage presumably titled
“Anybody Who's Ever Visited Me”
and turned a blank white wall into an artsy conversation piece.
color fades in
he staples it to a foam board in his front hallway. Over time he's created a giant collage presumably titled
“Anybody Who's Ever Visited Me”
and turned a blank white wall into an artsy conversation piece.
When some friends and I crashed with Rob a year ago, he promptly
flash-bulbed us in the face
a couple times. He handed me the extra pic while sticking the first on the wall and I stuffed it in my bags and forgot about it ... forgot about it, that is, until months later I noticed a tiny white corner sticking out of my suitcase and rediscovered the blurry photo inside a
brand new secret pocket!
flash-bulbed us in the face
a couple times. He handed me the extra pic while sticking the first on the wall and I stuffed it in my bags and forgot about it ... forgot about it, that is, until months later I noticed a tiny white corner sticking out of my suitcase and rediscovered the blurry photo inside a
brand new secret pocket!
Finding hidden compartments in things you already own is like striking oil in your own backyard.
After all, you've known your old pal
Backpack
forever. You know her zipper's gummed up and you've watched with teary eyes as her stitching slowly ripped off her left strap. So when you notice a secret built-in pencil case pouch deep down in her inner shadows, it's a mind-blowing moment. Suddenly she's got a whole new strut in her step and trot in her walk, like she popped back out of backpack rehab.
Backpack
forever. You know her zipper's gummed up and you've watched with teary eyes as her stitching slowly ripped off her left strap. So when you notice a secret built-in pencil case pouch deep down in her inner shadows, it's a mind-blowing moment. Suddenly she's got a whole new strut in her step and trot in her walk, like she popped back out of backpack rehab.
Same thing with
Bathing Suit
. Sure, his zip-string is loose and dangly, he's covered in lint balls, and his bright red logo has faded to a dull pink, but when you first notice that tiny mesh pocket for holding keys hanging inside his elastic waistband, your brain blasts to outer space. He's like a hunched-over old man suddenly tossing away his cane and tap-dancing across the sidewalk.
Bathing Suit
. Sure, his zip-string is loose and dangly, he's covered in lint balls, and his bright red logo has faded to a dull pink, but when you first notice that tiny mesh pocket for holding keys hanging inside his elastic waistband, your brain blasts to outer space. He's like a hunched-over old man suddenly tossing away his cane and tap-dancing across the sidewalk.
So today let's give thanks and give cheers to the surprise sunglasses holder in the roof of your car, that second pocket in your navy blue blazer, and the
hidden change holder
riding like a treasure chest deep down in your car's armrest.
hidden change holder
riding like a treasure chest deep down in your car's armrest.
AWESOME!
Getting your guests to help you move something really heavy
Hey, thanks for coming over. Wait, wait, wait, hold on, uh, don't take off
your shoes
for a second. Listen, I've got this desk, and I sorta really need to get it out to the garage. Could you, I mean, it'll only take a second.
your shoes
for a second. Listen, I've got this desk, and I sorta really need to get it out to the garage. Could you, I mean, it'll only take a second.
(Bambi eyes)
AWESOME!
When the plane suddenly speeds up on the runway
Because here we go ...
AWESOME!
The sound of barely frozen puddles cracking when you step on them
Crisp breezes chip at your cheeks as you
shiver and slide
to school. Blades of grass are stiff with
frosted dew
on their tips, your breath puffs in cold clouds in front of you, and little puddles on the sidewalk get
that thin film of ice
across the tops, just waiting for you to do what you gotta do.
shiver and slide
to school. Blades of grass are stiff with
frosted dew
on their tips, your breath puffs in cold clouds in front of you, and little puddles on the sidewalk get
that thin film of ice
across the tops, just waiting for you to do what you gotta do.
When you're slip-shuffling half asleep, buried under your backpack, there's just something sweet about stomping those frozen puddles and filling the still and silent walk with a nice crisp
CRACK
.
CRACK
.
After you do the deed, you trudge on against the biting wind with an extra spring in your step and
twinkle in your eye
, because you came across the frozen puddle first and you
busted it good
.
twinkle in your eye
, because you came across the frozen puddle first and you
busted it good
.
Let's face it: That crack is so permanent,
so satisfying
, and so completely
so satisfying
, and so completely
AWESOME!
When someone compliments your new haircut
Haircuts are stressful.
Come on, there are at least
Three Major Worries
when you get your lid trimmed:
Three Major Worries
when you get your lid trimmed:
1.
Disappearing Choppers
. Have you ever gone to your regular place and found your go-to guy suddenly missing? Talk about a bombshell. On top of the loss, the gang left over is usually tight-lipped on details too. No forwarding address, no new business cards, nothing. They just vanished and left only a few combs floating in the Barbicide for clues. Now it's time to step into the chair with The New Guy and grit your teeth, grab the handlebars, and brace yourself for a rickety journey down a dark mine shaft tunnel of horror. As the lights dim and you close your eyes, you can hear the electric razor firing up in the distance ...
Disappearing Choppers
. Have you ever gone to your regular place and found your go-to guy suddenly missing? Talk about a bombshell. On top of the loss, the gang left over is usually tight-lipped on details too. No forwarding address, no new business cards, nothing. They just vanished and left only a few combs floating in the Barbicide for clues. Now it's time to step into the chair with The New Guy and grit your teeth, grab the handlebars, and brace yourself for a rickety journey down a dark mine shaft tunnel of horror. As the lights dim and you close your eyes, you can hear the electric razor firing up in the distance ...
2.
Doing a New Do
. Asking the stylist to try something new is pretty high up there on the Greatest Fears of All Time List. It's
jussssst
above three-hour root canal and
jussssst
below getting a snake thrown on you when you're sleeping.
Doing a New Do
. Asking the stylist to try something new is pretty high up there on the Greatest Fears of All Time List. It's
jussssst
above three-hour root canal and
jussssst
below getting a snake thrown on you when you're sleeping.
3.
Getting One-Upped
. This is where you're getting your haircut and one of your stylist's more loyal customers walks in the door. You can tell they're a somebody because they start dominating conversation while you become a third wheel and your stylist goes superspeed and starts cutting corners. Sure, this doesn't happen too often, but if you've ever been one-upped you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Getting One-Upped
. This is where you're getting your haircut and one of your stylist's more loyal customers walks in the door. You can tell they're a somebody because they start dominating conversation while you become a third wheel and your stylist goes superspeed and starts cutting corners. Sure, this doesn't happen too often, but if you've ever been one-upped you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Folks, if you're nodding, you know the stress of getting a haircut. As the stylist peels the nylon apron off your neck and brushes
hair shards
off your back you cautiously check the mirror and scope the new you. Sometimes you strut confidently out of the salon like you're in a shampoo commercial and other times you squint at yourself and frown slightly while
cartoony question marks
pop above your head like bubbles.
hair shards
off your back you cautiously check the mirror and scope the new you. Sometimes you strut confidently out of the salon like you're in a shampoo commercial and other times you squint at yourself and frown slightly while
cartoony question marks
pop above your head like bubbles.
On days when you have doubts, that little
“Hey, nice haircut”
compliment can do wonders for your self-esteem. Because, come on, we're all self-conscious about those little patches of scraggly knots up there.
“Hey, nice haircut”
compliment can do wonders for your self-esteem. Because, come on, we're all self-conscious about those little patches of scraggly knots up there.
Thanks for saying something.
AWESOME!
Using any item within reach to help grab the remote control so you don't have to move
Dusty sunbeams streak through the window while you lie on the couch in a blissful half-asleep cocoon. Sometimes during this
hazy daze
a little voice in your brain politely asks that the TV be turned down or shut right off.
hazy daze
a little voice in your brain politely asks that the TV be turned down or shut right off.
In moments like this there's something satisfying about keeping as much of your body completely relaxed and
perfectly still as possible
while awkwardly grabbing the remote with a rolled-up newspaper, cardboard paper towel tube, or another remote that happens to be closer.
perfectly still as possible
while awkwardly grabbing the remote with a rolled-up newspaper, cardboard paper towel tube, or another remote that happens to be closer.
After you stab at it and coax it across the carpet, you do the deed and let a little smile curl on your face as you fade deeper and deeper into your comfy afternoon nap.
AWESOME!
The first couple hours of the road trip
Full boxes of granola bars,
fresh mix tapes
, and the heady thrill of anticipation get your body ready for a nice long ride. Gas tank's full, washer fluid's topped up, and your tiny thimble bladder doesn't have a drop in it.
fresh mix tapes
, and the heady thrill of anticipation get your body ready for a nice long ride. Gas tank's full, washer fluid's topped up, and your tiny thimble bladder doesn't have a drop in it.
We're flying now.
AWESOME!
When the phone rings and it's somebody you were just thinking about
Faces float and fly through our brains.
Kicking pebbles, wearing backpacks, laughing about the school day,
your friends
flicker past you with red cheeks and windswept hair on cool and crisp walks home.
your friends
flicker past you with red cheeks and windswept hair on cool and crisp walks home.
Silverware clinking, gravy boats dripping,
your family
sits in thick holiday sweaters under a sparkly chandelier amongst half-filled wineglasses and steaming bowls of broccoli.
your family
sits in thick holiday sweaters under a sparkly chandelier amongst half-filled wineglasses and steaming bowls of broccoli.
Furnace quietly clicking, clock slowly ticking,
your boyfriend
lies beside you on the patchy corduroy couch in the dark unfinished basement, smiling between kisses and laughs, sharing a moment in a memory.
your boyfriend
lies beside you on the patchy corduroy couch in the dark unfinished basement, smiling between kisses and laughs, sharing a moment in a memory.
Somebody's thinking about you right now too.
Give them a call.
AWESOME!
Moving indoor furniture outdoors
Forget picnic tables,
plastic chairs
, and patio sets.
plastic chairs
, and patio sets.
No, we're talking about the real deal. We're talking about moving furniture from inside your pad to outside it, and
busting the shackles
of climate control in favor of fresh air and good times.
busting the shackles
of climate control in favor of fresh air and good times.
Feel these beats:
1.
Porch Couch.
Sure, your worn-out duct-tape-andcorduroy sofa is out in the elements, but now you get a comfy chill-out spot to watch the world go by. Porch couches are perfect for chilling after class at college, handing out Halloween candy, or taking your late night neighborhood watch shift.
Porch Couch.
Sure, your worn-out duct-tape-andcorduroy sofa is out in the elements, but now you get a comfy chill-out spot to watch the world go by. Porch couches are perfect for chilling after class at college, handing out Halloween candy, or taking your late night neighborhood watch shift.
2.
Tailgate Party.
Man, have you seen some of these setups? I'm just an amateur, but sometimes we're talking about the entire living room transplanted onto the gravel parking lot outside the stadium. Pops balances the big screen in the pickup truck while Junior lays a rug down by the barbecue. It's time for grilling.
Tailgate Party.
Man, have you seen some of these setups? I'm just an amateur, but sometimes we're talking about the entire living room transplanted onto the gravel parking lot outside the stadium. Pops balances the big screen in the pickup truck while Junior lays a rug down by the barbecue. It's time for grilling.
3.
Backyard Birthday.
Wobbly folding chair legs sink into the grass while basement card tables are wiped off and covered in plastic tablecloths for their annual cameo as Punch Bowl Station or Place We're Cutting The Cake Later.
Backyard Birthday.
Wobbly folding chair legs sink into the grass while basement card tables are wiped off and covered in plastic tablecloths for their annual cameo as Punch Bowl Station or Place We're Cutting The Cake Later.
When you move indoor furniture outdoors you're spreading the party all over the place. Chill out, relax, and put your feet up on the cooler, because it's sunny out and it's time to enjoy the moment.
AWESOME!
When your fries order has a few onion rings stashed in the mix
Dive in.
Scoring some sweet and salty rings hidden in your fries is the fast-food equivalent of
finding a treasure chest
at the bottom of the sea. Suddenly you're an explorer stumbling upon a lost shipwreck way, way down in the darkness. While your friends linger above, you plunge deeper and deeper . . . eventually spotting a coral-covered chest wedged between some slippery rocks.
finding a treasure chest
at the bottom of the sea. Suddenly you're an explorer stumbling upon a lost shipwreck way, way down in the darkness. While your friends linger above, you plunge deeper and deeper . . . eventually spotting a coral-covered chest wedged between some slippery rocks.
As your heart thump-thumps you kick the rusty lock and peel open the lid to behold a
glittery sight
. Your face turns on like a flashlight and your eyes pop open behind the scuba mask as you realize you've uncovered a hidden stash of
crunchy, oily gold
.
glittery sight
. Your face turns on like a flashlight and your eyes pop open behind the scuba mask as you realize you've uncovered a hidden stash of
crunchy, oily gold
.
There be treasure in these fries.
AWESOME!
The Big Night Nap
The Big Night Nap or Disco Nap is any nap you take before going out for a big night.
When you nail this warm-up nap perfectly, you end up with a long memorable evening without dog yawns,
wristwatch glances
, and early cave-ins.
wristwatch glances
, and early cave-ins.
Now, that doesn't mean Big Night Naps are easy to pull off. No, no, the truth is you gotta be careful in that lateafternoon
Napping Danger Zone
:
Napping Danger Zone
:
1.
The Power Nap.
Top of the charts. This is the perfectly executed twenty-minute power up that fills your energy bar and gets you ready to take on the world.
The Power Nap.
Top of the charts. This is the perfectly executed twenty-minute power up that fills your energy bar and gets you ready to take on the world.
2.
The Call-Waiting Nap.
Your plans aren't firmed up so you leave your cell phone beside you. This forces you to pop up to answer text messages and take groggy phone calls.
The Call-Waiting Nap.
Your plans aren't firmed up so you leave your cell phone beside you. This forces you to pop up to answer text messages and take groggy phone calls.
3.
The Choreographed Nap.
This is where you convince all your friends to take a Big Night Nap too. You know them well and realize they'll zonk out early if they're not in the game. Do like Parker Lewis and synchronize watches.
The Choreographed Nap.
This is where you convince all your friends to take a Big Night Nap too. You know them well and realize they'll zonk out early if they're not in the game. Do like Parker Lewis and synchronize watches.
4.
The Neverending Nap.
Whoops! You were gonna do a quick snooze but your body had other plans. You groggily kick off your socks as your phone buzzes on your dresser. You're going straight to morning now. Expect a 4 a.m. wake-up call.
The Neverending Nap.
Whoops! You were gonna do a quick snooze but your body had other plans. You groggily kick off your socks as your phone buzzes on your dresser. You're going straight to morning now. Expect a 4 a.m. wake-up call.
5.
The Extend-O-Night Nap.
You head out to someone's house without napping but start losing steam as everyone else is revving up. So you head upstairs and take a quick power snooze on the bed full of jackets. You don't have to be eight years old to pull this move off. You'll be back in the game in no time.
The Extend-O-Night Nap.
You head out to someone's house without napping but start losing steam as everyone else is revving up. So you head upstairs and take a quick power snooze on the bed full of jackets. You don't have to be eight years old to pull this move off. You'll be back in the game in no time.
So ... save 'em for New Year's,
save 'em for slumber parties,
save 'em for nights you need extra juice. Yes, when you go down early to
get down late
it's a beautiful moment of party planning that we like to call
save 'em for slumber parties,
save 'em for nights you need extra juice. Yes, when you go down early to
get down late
it's a beautiful moment of party planning that we like to call
AWESOME!
Hilarious last-minute Halloween costumes
Back at college, I remember walking up to my friend Mike's house on Halloween and seeing him frantically painting
bright red briefs
onto a pair of nice blue jeans. He was really going at it, tooâslapping the wet brush all over the crotch and pockets, wagging his tongue out like a dog on the front lawn.
bright red briefs
onto a pair of nice blue jeans. He was really going at it, tooâslapping the wet brush all over the crotch and pockets, wagging his tongue out like a dog on the front lawn.
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