The Bucket List (28 page)

She didn't know how far true that was. She knew if the shoe had been on the other foot, if she was losing one of them, she would never recover at all.

After making some breakfast, she left Irving to go and wake the boys. Before she could go up the stairs, the doorbell rang.

Who the hell would be visiting at six in the bloody morning? She would just have to tell them to come back another day. She and the boys had a lot of talking to do.

"Alyssa!" she exclaimed when she opened the door. "Um... hi. Come in."

The other woman looked like she'd battled with herself to bring herself to their door. Could this mean she stood a chance in earning this girl's forgiveness?

"Um... how's Corey?"

Obviously not.
She'd only come to check on her friend.

"He's still sleeping. I was about to go and wake them up for breakfast. Come and sit down," she said as she led her into the den.

"I've got a pot of coffee on... ."

"I'm fine
... I'm not stopping long, I just... I wanted to see Corey before I catch the plane."

Rae bit her lip and sat on the chair opposite.

"Mandy... I'm really sorry," she started. "You and I... we clicked and I messed that up. I never meant to; you've got to believe me. I've been trying to deal with this by myself for weeks, then that night John made me feel so safe. He wouldn't have slept with me if I hadn't scared him so much. He's a good guy, Mandy. You know that. And with this out in the open now, he's going to need you so much. He hasn't even cried yet because he feels like he has to be strong for me. And knowing him, he'll probably feel too guilty to try and work things out with you, to try and find a little bit of happiness while I'm suffering. You need to let him know it's okay. It's okay to cry, okay to laugh and smile."

"He hurt me, Rae. Both of you did,"
Alyssa whispered. "I'm hurting for you, I really am, but I don't know if I could forgive him."

"He's in love with you,
Mandy. What happened was entirely my fault. If you want to hate anyone, hate me. John needs you," she pleaded. "I need you. I know you think I'm being selfish and haven't thought about your feelings at all but I have. You love him, too. This wouldn't have hurt you so much if you didn't. Once you guys talk about this you'll find a way round it. That man upstairs... he's the sweetest, kindest man I know and he's my good friend. I can't... I can't deal with this knowing I've cost him his happiness."

Irving
chose that moment to walk in.

"Hey,
Alyssa," he smiled sadly when he saw her. "You're just in time for breakfast."

Rae looked at the other girl, pleading with her to stay. She didn't even realise she'd been holding her breath until the brunette gave her a little nod.

"Thanks," she whispered.

"Come through to the kitchen, then,"
Irving said as he helped her up. "Rae was just going to wake the boys."

She watched as the two left the room and hoped that John wouldn't be a dick and not talk to the girl. With a weary sigh, she got up so she could get the boys up and get on with the day. Which, at that moment, seemed like it would stretch forever.

She shook John gently but he woke up with a start anyway, indicating he hadn't had a restful sleep.

"Hey," she smiled at him. "Breakfast is ready."

"You didn't have to do that," he said as he sat up and stretched. "I was going to do it while you put your feet up."

"Yeah? Are you going to do that every single day?" she chuckled.

"If I have to," he answered seriously.

"Does that mean you won't even consider talking to
Mandy?" she asked, the smile leaving her face.

"I can't think about that now," he replied.

She let out a sigh and took his friend's hand.

"John, you're trying to be strong for me, I get that," she said, "but you need her. She'll help you get through this."

John pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head as he got off the bed. He was dressed in just his shorts, and as he walked to look out the French doors to the back yard, she could see by his tense shoulders that he didn't even want to talk about it. Slowly she walked to stand behind him.

"Don't feel guilty about falling in love right now, John," she whispered as she put her arms around his naked torso and kissed his back. "If you have a chance at any sort of happiness, take it. Live your life, John. Live it for me."

She felt him shake and knew he was crying.

"Don't...
" he said hoarsely. "I can't think about that right now. I can't think about Mandy, not when I might be losing you."

She held him tighter. No, now probably wasn't the best time for him to think about it. He was still in shock.

"You don't have to speak to her about it today, but she's downstairs. She's come to see how you guys are doing. Don't shut her out," she told him softly as she gave him a final squeeze and walked back to the bed.

Corey
's eyes were open, trained on both her and John. She smiled down at him as she dropped herself down next to him.

"Morning, gorgeous," she smiled down at him. "Ready for breakfast?"

He shook his head and pulled her into his arms.

"You need to eat something," she urged.

"Lets go and see Dr. Harvey," he said instead. "I need to know everything. I need to know what we should do. I don't know much about this type of cancer but I know we need to move fast."

Shit! Obviously, his shock was wearing off and he was starting to think straight again.

"I'll... I'll make an appointment," she lied. "But come down and have a cup of coffee or something. Mandy and Irving are here."

He looked down into her eyes when she mentioned that.

"Have you spoken to her? You know... about the other night?" he asked, nodding in John's direction. "She'll understand, now that... you know... "

"I spoke to her. I still have a long way to go before I earn her forgiveness, though," she sighed. "The question is do you forgive me? I really didn't mean to hurt anyone."

He kissed the top of her head and squeezed her.

"I understand your motivations. You're scared, you did what you had to do to try and keep this to yourself a bit longer," he murmured sadly.

"That doesn't answer her question, though," John said as he turned from the doors to look into his friend's eyes.

Rae didn't miss the slight coldness in
Corey's eyes as he held John's gaze.

"Rae knows I'd forgive her anything," he bit out.

Rae closed her eyes for a second at his words. She was the cause of this rift between the good friends and she hated that. Corey would forgive her anything, but John... he had a long way to go. She couldn't say she understood why. If John understood what happened had only been a one off, why couldn't Corey let it go?

When she thought about it, a lot of the things he had done the past weekend hadn't made sense. What was going on in his head?

"Mandy and Irving are waiting," she said as she got off the bed. "I'm giving you five minutes before I throw your food in the bin."

They'd have to sort this some other time.

She felt like they were suffocating her. Every move she made someone was watching. Anything she tried to do she was told to sit down and put her feet up. Every time she turned a corner, someone was waiting to put their arms around her. They meant no harm, they were hurting, she knew that. But it was like she was already dead. With their long faces and hardly a word spoken between them, she saw death everywhere.

And even though there was so much tension between them, so much bad blood over the events of the weekend, none of them said a word out of place. They were all pussy footing around her and each other. John hadn't spoken to
Mandy yet except for a few polite words here and there. And even if he'd wanted to, Mandy had hardly left Corey's side. Since Corey hadn't left her side, that meant the two of them had been in her shadow all day. Irving had used his nervous energy more productively, making them food every now and then and tidying up after them, but there was only so much food one could eat, and only so much dust one could polish off.

The last straw came when they were sitting in the game room listening to some music. She'd chosen to sit on the floor right by the stereo just so none of them would sit by her. She wasn't being nasty, she'd just wanted a bit of space. Only it had worked out that she'd then had to sit facing them.

And her music choice didn't help. She'd found a collection that John had bought called Midnight Soul of various old school artists and thought it would be cool to listen to some classic make-out music. But it hadn't worked out like that.

Like when Kelly Price sang,

She was a friend of mine, she left with my man

She lied, cheated, took all I had.

She was a friend of mine; she used what she knew,

She lied, cheated, and left me confused.

Her eyes had immediately flown to Mandy's and she'd realised the lyrics hadn't gone unnoticed by the brunette. She'd seen the flash of pain as the girl looked down and realised she had done more damage than she'd originally thought. Would Mandy ever get over this? Even with her gone, would she use this to keep herself from the man she loved and who loved her? Because John did love her, she knew that for a fact. The way he acted around Mandy was different from the way he'd acted around all those other girls he'd claimed to love in the past.

She'd changed the song over quickly only to hear Az
Yet's panty wetting harmony.

She'd caught John's eyes then, and for a moment remembered
Corey's revelation. Did John really have a thing for her? Was that why that night had been so beautiful? Well, beautiful till it had been interrupted. She had not thought about it at all because the terrible repercussions, but the moments she'd spent in John's arms had surprisingly been almost like being with Nate. There had been a deep connection. It could have been because they were such good friends. Surely, Corey was wrong. Wasn't he? She'd frowned a little bit as she continued to hold John's gaze, trying to work it out. Then he'd looked away and she'd almost gasped as the truth hit her. It was true...

She'd looked over at
Corey and realised he hadn't missed the look that passed between them. When she'd noticed his jaw clenching, she'd quickly changed the music again.

Her eyes were still on
Corey's when this song started playing, and as the lyrics washed over her she thought how once she had felt that way for him. At sixteen, she had thought she had found the real thing...

Brandy. That wouldn't do at all. Now wasn't the time to start thinking about those what
if's. It was too late.

Breaking the gaze, she quickly skipped the rest of the song.

Something inexplicable happened. Her mind's eye actually saw them ten years back, back at that crazy time when she had thought she was in love with him. She hadn't really thought about that in years. She'd thought it was perfect, that they were meant to be. To be with the one person she'd loved and respected her whole life, the one person who knew her so well... It had been like a dream come true. She had felt so deeply for him, perhaps too deep for a sixteen year old. Her mother, bless her soul, had told her it would pass, and it had. Because he had broken her heart. Only two weeks, two brief weeks, and he'd already been screwing around.

Her breath caught as tears slid unnoticed down her cheeks. That song... it had been their song. How the hell could she have forgotten that? At sixteen she'd had a thing for All-4-One. The night
Corey had told her how he'd felt, when he'd made love to her for the first time, that song had been playing in the background...

She tried to look away, but her eyes were trapped in his. Did he remember, too? Had that night been as special to him as it had been to her?

"I can't do this," she choked out as she quickly got to her feet.

"Rae?"
Corey called out as he followed at her heels. "Where are you going?"

"I just need some air," she answered without looking back as she picked her car keys off the table.

That was how she ended up knocking on Nate's door, freaking out. The whole drive down unwanted images had flashed in her head. Corey smiling down at her and telling her he loved her... Corey looking into her eyes like she was the most beautiful girl in the world... Corey naked... Corey telling her they would always be together... She'd tried to squash those images because she knew he was like that with every girl he screwed. She should know, she'd seen him in action enough times. He hadn't really meant those words, not really. That had been The Lady Killer in action. And besides, that had been so long ago. He had moved on very easily and she'd had to force herself to do the same, but she had. The only reason she had thought about it now was because she was dying. It was only to be expected, wasn't it? Wasn't it?

When
Nate's plane took off that evening, she didn't know how long it would be until she saw him again and she really needed the security that his calming presence brought. She didn't know how he would react; she'd cheated on him, after all. He'd said they could be friends but she knew it would be hard for both of them. He'd told her he loved her only to be knocked down. And she'd had to let go of the best sex she'd ever had. If she was honest to herself, it hadn't just been about sex. Nate had made her feel safe. And even though he'd known from day one about her cancer, not once had he acted like she was dying. She needed that right now. And she needed to forget about Corey, to screw her head on straight before she saw him again.