The Bucket List (34 page)

"I asked you a question," she snapped again. "Why would you go behind my back like this? You couldn't ask me first?"

The car came to a stop in front of the large building that housed Dr. Harvey's offices just as
Corey's head snapped to her. She had never seen so much pain in anyone's eyes before.

"Could I not ask you first? Are you fucking shitting me?" he asked incredulously. "I've done nothing but ask. And you've done nothing but pile on the shit."

"I had a reason for that. It was hard enough telling you I was dying without explaining all the ugly details. You don't need to know___"

"Yes, I do," he cut in angrily. "I need to know exactly what we're dealing with so that, God forbid, if I lose you, I never have to live with the thought that I could have done more."

"I've already told you there's nothing we can do. Don't do this to yourself, Corey. Don't do this to us. I've been so happy the past few days... don't take it away from me."

She watched him swallow and clench his jaw again as he looked into her eyes and for a minute, she thought she was about to have her way.
But only for a minute. Without another word to her, he opened his door, got out and pulled her out with him without letting go of her arm. She tried to struggle but it was futile. Not only did he have a death grip on her arm but now his entire 6'4, 245 pound frame was behind her, pushing her forward. He didn't seem to care that he was making a scene so she doubted that screaming would have done her any good.

So she gave up.

She let him push her all the way through the building to Dr. Harvey's receptionist where they were told to take a seat. Then, with his large hand still gripping her arm, she closed her eyes, leaned her head back against the chair and let her silent tears fall.

Poor
Corey. He was going to walk into that office and hear all the options she could take. He was going to have his heart filled with hope. False hope. There was nothing that could be done for her. No amount of surgery, chemo or radiation or drugs would change the fact that she was going to die. The neurosurgeon had already explained that to her.

There was nothing they could do. There was nothing
Corey could do. But he wouldn't see that. He would just hear what he wanted to hear, that with treatment she would have a chance. He would completely ignore the fact that it was a very slim chance. He would completely ignore the fact that after surgery, she would most probably be a vegetable. Then he would start making all these plans and make her feel so guilty for knowing she wouldn't carry them out.

"I need to know."

The pained whisper forced her to open her eyes and look into his blue ones. He was trying to hold back his own tears, but when one escaped and rolled down his cheek, her heart broke.

"Just be prepared, baby," she whispered back, using her free hand to brush the tear away.

"Don't say that," he whispered hoarsely as he looked away from her. "There's got to be a way. I won't live without you, Rae."

A little frowned formed on her face as she mulled over his words.

"You will," she said sadly. "I'll always be in your heart, I know that, but you'll learn to live again. You'll see."

He looked back at her and shook his head.

"I won't," he stated firmly.

She held his gaze for a second and saw that he meant it. What the hell was going through his head?

"Corey?"

"If anything happens to you... I won't go on, Rae."

Her hand went to her mouth at his words as the shock of them numbed her body. Was he saying what she thought he was saying?

"Don't say that... please," she whispered.

"It's true."

She looked into his eyes and saw that he meant those words.

"I... I need the bathroom," she whispered. "I can't... you can't say that."

She stood up as she said this but he stood with her.

"What? Are you going to watch me use the toilet?" she asked incredulously.

"If I have to."

She closed her eyes briefly as she let out a tired sigh. This was it. The end of her perfect weekend. And of everything else.

"You don't have to," she told him. "I'll let Dr. Harvey tell you everything you need to know."

He seemed to believe her because he nodded his head and sat back down again. Turning away from him, she slowly took the steps that would take her from her love forever. The tears were still falling down her face, blinding her as she walked into the bathroom. She washed her face and dried it, catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror before the pain in her eyes forced her to look away.

This was the path she had chosen. This was what she needed to do. There was no other way.

"Maybe you should write her a letter."

John looked up at
Alyssa at her words. They had hours left to kill before the show that night and were just chilling in their hotel room, watching a few movies. His head wasn't in it, though and Alyssa had noticed.

"What?" he asked with a little frown.

"You're not talking to me about it and you haven't said as much as two words to Rae about it since she told us," Mandy explained softly, taking his hand in hers. "Maybe you'll feel more comfortable writing everything you're feeling down then giving it to her to read. At least it'll all come out."

"I don't know," he mumbled, looking away from her. "I don't really want her to worry about me. She should be concentrating on getting better."

"I know that and I'm sure she does, too. It's just that she told me that she can't do this without you," Mandy said. "The sooner you accept what she's going through, the sooner you can hold her hand while she goes through it."

He looked into her eyes again and gave her a little smile.

"When did you get so clever?" he teased gently as he pulled her closer to him on the couch.

"I've been spending a lot of time with you. It must be rubbing off,"
Mandy smiled.

"I don't deserve you," he said softly, placing a kiss on top of her head.

"No, you don't," Mandy teased before reaching for the writing pad and pen that were on the coffee table and handing it to him. "Tell her, John."

He took the pad and stared at it blankly for a minute.

"I'm going downstairs for a drink with some of the girls," Mandy said as she got up and picked her bag up from the table. "Call me if you need me, okay?"

He nodded, knowing she was only going so she could give him the privacy he needed to put everything he was feeling on the piece of paper.

After she was gone, he stared at the blank paper for what seemed like forever, wondering where the hell he was supposed to begin. Losing Rae would be like losing a part of himself. She'd touched everything in his life, influenced a lot of his big decisions and sometimes he'd even thought he was in love with her. But he wasn't, not really. Not like Corey was. He loved her, though; there was no doubt about that. He regretted sleeping with her because it had somehow changed their friendship, and of course his friendship with Corey. He'd never trust him again after that, he was sure.

But now the cancer had ensured they cut through all that bullshit and concentrate on what mattered. It didn't mean shit that he'd slept with her. What mattered was that they fought this damn cancer with everything until they came out on the other side. What mattered was being there for her, holding her hand while she went through what was possibly the worst time of all their lives put together. And the only way to do that was to let her know how he was feeling.

So he'd start from the beginning. Putting pen to paper, he started to write.

Remember how we met? When
Corey brought you down to my house after I broke up with... what was her name? For the life of me, I can't remember. You told me I'd forget all about her, didn't you? But at the time I felt like my life had become meaningless without her there with me. I never told anyone what I almost did, not even Corey. I never told anyone how you saved me. I almost told Mandy once, but then she would have judged me. You never did. You lied to Corey that night that you had a headache so you wouldn't go out but you spent the night talking to me instead. You didn't make me feel like what I was going through wasn't important or that it was stupid, you listened to me all night. When I was telling you how great this girl was you told me if she was so great, she wouldn't have left me in the first place. You didn't even really know me then. Then you took me to your mom's because you didn't want me to be alone. You made me see how stupid I was being for wanting to end it all over a person who didn't even give a shit about me. You gave me my life back and I'll always love you for that.

I've screwed up a lot since then but you've always been there to save me. Always. And you never complained about it, either. You probably know more about me than anybody else. That could be because you're the nosiest person I know, but I know it's because you care about me. I'll be honest with you; once or twice I've thought I was in love with you but I've come to realise it's just a deep sense of gratitude, respect and awe rolled into one. Yeah, awe. You've been through so much shit in your short life but you always come out of it with a big grin on your face, ready to take on the world. You've always been really strong for me; I guess that's why I've always tried to be strong for you.

But this time... it's killing me, Rae. All I think about is how I might lose you and how I'd never survive that. I'm trying to be positive, I really am, but every time I look at you I can help thinking about it. I've been lying awake at night crying into my pillow because I feel so useless. I just want it all to go away, I want to wake up and realise it was all a bad dream. But it doesn't go away. It's not a dream. I've felt this pain inside me since you told me and there's no way for me to make it go away. So I've tried not to talk about it at all and that hasn't helped either of us. I just don't know what to do. Writing this letter was Mandy's good idea. You were right about her; she's been such an angel to me, even after what happened. I would have given up on her if it weren't for you. That's another thing I owe you for.

She told me to write everything I couldn't say in person. She probably knows I'd have started crying my eyes out before I even got anything out. You're one of my best friends, Rae and it's killing me that you're going through this when you've been through it twice before. It's killing me that I can't take your pain away, that I can't save you. So when I see you, I'm probably going to break down and cry because even after writing all of this down, all the pain I felt before is still there.

I'm going to cry and you're probably going to make me feel better just like you've always done. Then we can start concentrating on kicking this thing in the butt. Because we will, I know now that we will. We just need to believe we will. You have so much to live for, least of all Corey, Irving and me. The Big Guy up there wouldn't dare take you from the Crusher’s. And Corey and I will put up a good fight as well. Just don't give up on us, baby. Keep fighting because this is one fight we can't afford to lose. We won't lose.

Just ignore my uncontrollable tears and take all the hugs I'm going to give you. We're all hurting, but we'll do this together. You aren't going anywhere, baby. We can do this.

He finally put the pen down and wiped his tears. That wasn't even half of what he could have written but it would have to do. All he had to do now was give it to her when he got to their house after the show.

He wondered how the appointment at the Doc's was going.
Corey hadn't rung him yet but he was sure she hadn't given in easily.

His phone rang and he picked it up. Speak of the devil...
Corey's name was flashing across the screen.

"Hey," he answered.

Nate waited by his rental in the hot afternoon sun, his hands stuffed in his pocket, brushing the pieces of paper in it. It broke his heart all over again. It wasn't just a list of things she wanted to do before she died... it was a list of things she had to do before she died.

His mind went over the last few things on her list. He had read them over enough times for them to have burned right through his soul
...

93) Find a good man to be with. Just one man to show you what all the fuss about love is. Make myself matter, that when I'm gone I know someone will always think of me the way mum thought of Greg. I need to be loved by someone like that. My life needs to have meant something. Otherwise the memory of me will just fade away and then finally just die. It will be like I never existed.

94) Get to know Irving. He's had my back all these years even though I've been a bitch to him. I can't let it end like this. I need to give him some warmer memories of me, something he can remember for always and maybe tell his kids about. I need to let him know how much I appreciate him.

95) Buy the coffin, arrange for flowers and ceremony, etc. Am sure it'll be the last
thing on Corey's mind, so I'll do it now, save him the heartache.

96) Say goodbye. It will be the hardest thing I'll ever do. In some ways, it was easier saying goodbye to mum because I knew she was going to be with Greg. But saying goodbye to
Corey will kill me, and it will kill him. He's a part of me, my best friend. When I die, I am certain he will want to die with me. I don't know how I will do this, how I will let him go. Life is so fucking unfair. I've done all this... made so many changes... but still it's not fucking enough. I guess when you gotta go, you gotta go. And I gotta go.