The Bucket List (35 page)

Everything on her list had been marked as done except the very last one. That meant she had already arranged her funeral. She wasn't going to fight this thing at all. He should have seen it coming, really. All the things she had said to him without thinking while they were together, like she had made peace with the fact that she was indeed dying
... He should have picked up on it then and called her on it. He should have made her see why she shouldn't give up.

The man he was waiting for finally emerged from his house to join him outside.

"You're a long way from home, Nate," Irving said as he came to lean on the car right next to him.

"I know. But I didn't know what else to do," he whispered. "I didn't mean to disturb you and your family."

"It's about Rae, isn't it?" the older man asked gently.

He nodded his head, still looking at his feet.

"Look, I know you fell in love with my daughter," Irving said softly, "but her heart has always belonged to Corey. You need to let her go, Nate. Don't make her life any more difficult than it already is."

"I know. That's why I came to you."

"What do you mean?"

He looked up at the
Crusher’s for the first time.

"She's not going to go through with the treatment,
Irving."

He watched as the older man ran his hand through his hair but noticed the news didn't surprise him.

"You already knew that," he stated, straightening as he turned fully to Irving. "And you're letting her do it?"

"No, I'm not letting her do it,"
Irving snapped. "Sara and the boys are flying there tonight and I'm hoping by the time I get there tomorrow night, I won't have to drag her by her hair to the hospital."

"You think spending time with your family will make her change her mind?" he asked hopefully.

"They're her family, too. Maybe she'll realise she's got more to live for and want to live," Irving answered sadly.

"But what if that doesn't work? If she doesn't want to live for
Corey, what makes you so sure she'll do it for you and your... her family," he questioned.

Irving
had no answer to that. He slumped against the car and took out a cigarette, a habit Nate knew he had kicked when his first child had been born.

"I'm not going to let her give up,
Nate. If she doesn't get the treatment willingly, I'm really going to have to force her."

"But she's an adult. You can't force her to sign any consent papers."

"Nate, why are you here?" Irving snapped suddenly. "You think I don't know that I'm clutching at straws? I don't know, okay? I don't know what I'll do if my baby doesn't change her mind..."

Nate
leaned back against the rental at the Crusher’s pained words and lit his own cigarette with a useless sigh. No, there was not much they could do if she didn't change her mind. But if Irving called her on it, made her see...

"She's already planned her funeral."

Irving snapped his head round to look at him.

"What? Did she tell you this?"

"No. I found... I found some papers... She's bought her coffin and even paid for the ceremony. That's why I came to you. I didn't know what else to do."

Irving
's phone rang at that moment and he picked it up as if he had been waiting for it to ring all day.

"
Corey? What's happened? Are you at the doctor's?" Irving asked quickly.

His eyes pricked up as he listened to this one sided conversation. Rae had agreed to go to the doctor? Maybe she had decided on treatment after all.

"What do you mean? I told you not to let her out of your sight," Irving barked angrily as he started pacing in front of the car.

At that news, his heart dropped to his stomach. No, she hadn't changed her mind.

"Is that Dr. Harvey? Will he talk to you anyway?"

Irving
's pacing slowed down as he listened to the answer.

"What do you mean?"

He listened again for a while before the phone dropped to ground and he fell on his knees right next to it.

"
Irving?" he asked as he knelt next to him. "What's happening?"

Irving
looked into his eyes as his hand came up to his mouth. Tears came down his cheeks, scaring him even further.

What was it? What had brought the devil to his knees and tears to his eyes? Where they too late?

"Irving, talk to me?"

"I need to go there... now... I need to be with my little girl..."

"Irving, please," he begged. "Is she all right? What's happened?"

She knew as soon as she opened her eyes where she was. The horrible white walls, the constant humming and beeping of machines, that faint smell of ammonia and death... She wasn't dead. Shit!

She lifted her hand to pull out something hooked to her chest and noticed her wrist was bandaged up, as was the other one.

"You're the only person I know stupid enough to try to commit suicide in a place swarming with doctors!"

She turned her head to this angry statement and saw John leaning by the wall next to the windows. His hands were in his pockets and his hat low over his eyes, but she could still see the pain in them. And he looked like he'd been crying.

Shit! It wasn't supposed to be like this. She wasn't supposed to be here to see this.

Swallowing hard, she turned away from him, only to see
Corey's baby blues looking right at her. She'd never seen his eyes look so dead. She knew he'd never understand what she'd tried to do, but she'd hurt him so much more now than if she'd just let nature take its course. Her heart broke. She'd just killed all the good memories she'd tried her hardest to create for him these past few weeks, and now, when he looked back, all he'd see is she tried to kill herself.

"
Corey... "

He swallowed, his eyes not once leaving her face. She could see the question so clearly in his eyes.

How could you? You tried to leave me. Why? She'd never wanted to see him like this; that was why. His pain was killing her.

After what seemed like forever, he just got up from his chair and stormed out of the room.

"Don't go..." she said weakly, too late.

"How could you do this to us? How could you do this to
Corey?" John asked, his voice barely a whisper.

She shook her head and closed her eyes, trying to block the whole day out of her head. If only she hadn't panicked. She could have just found a way out of this hospital and just waited for her plane on Friday.

"Do you know how devastated he is? We almost lost you," John continued, walking to stand by the side of her bed. "I never thought you could be so selfish."

That forced her eyes open.

"Selfish?" she questioned.

"Yeah, selfish," John snapped. "How did you think we
will deal with this, dealt with the fact you actually choose to die instead of grabbing that little hope there is that you'll make it? Do you think Corey will ever get over that? You know what you mean to him, what you mean to all of us. But you tried to do it anyway."

"Selfish?" she repeated. "John, do you have any idea the amount of pain I'm in? You couldn't even handle just thinking about it and this is only the beginning. Imagine what you'd all be like with me howling my pain 27/7, begging for one of you to just kill me? Imagine feeling hopeless because you know there's nothing you can do for me. Imagine watching me die right in front of your eyes. It will kill you. And
Corey will never get over that. What else was I supposed to do? This was the only option."

"The other option is to fight. How the hell can you just lie there and throw me all that bullshit when you haven't even tried to live?
There chemo, radiation and drugs. There's stuff to manage your pain. Yet here you are, trying to do yourself in at the first hurdle. I didn't know your pain was this bad, but if you'd just told someone, babes... the doctors could have given you the proper drugs to help with that. Then we'd have tried everything possible to beat this"

"I've already been told nothing will work! My
tumors are too many and inoperable. Nothing's going to work, Johnny. Nothing," she shouted as the tears started streaming down her face.

Her voice lowered and
broke as she repeated, "Nothing. I'm going to die."

John's shoulders drooped as if the strength just sapped out of his body.

"Just try, baby. Please. If you're... if you're going to go, don't do it like this," he whispered, bringing his large hand to her face.

At that same time, two large men appeared at the door. And they looked just as hurt as John was.

"I'm going to find Corey," John said sadly, looking down at her a moment longer before dropping a kiss on her forehead.

As he turned to go, he pulled a crumpled envelope out of his pocket.

"Read this when you can," he said quietly as he handed it to her.

At the door, he nodded to the two men as he walked past them.

Her eyes met both theirs briefly before she looked away. She couldn't face their pain either.

Nate
and Irving walked into the room without a word, coming to stand either side of her. When she couldn't take the silence much longer, she looked up at their faces. Obviously, they were going to go off on one like John had. And she was going to let them if it made them feel a bit better.

But they didn't.

Nate let out a shaky breath as his hand found one of hers and tightly gripped it. He'd been crying as well, she realised. Crying for her. How could she have hurt this gentle soul like this?

He brought her hand to his lips and she felt him shaking.

"Don't you ever do that to me again," he whispered, his breath warm against her cold hand. "I let you go so you could find yourself in Corey, not to lose yourself completely."

"I'm sorry... I just can't do it anymore..."

"Yes, you can," he said angrily through grit teeth. "You were sent to me for a reason. You helped me get past Beth so I could help you get past this."

How could he believe in Fate or God after all this? She shook her head and started to say something but he gripped her face between his large hands and forced her to look up into his green eyes.

"Listen to me," he bit out, forcing her to meet his eyes again. "My mother was a strong woman who'd have done anything for us, she did everything for us. She didn't just give up when she found out she was ill. She fought it. She fought it for us and I'll always love and respect her for that. Don't you dare insult me by telling me you won't even bother. Don't you dare tell me you can't do it. Take a look around you. You've had people in and out of here all day just breaking their hearts over you. How could not want to fight for them?"

She looked around the room and saw for the first time all the flowers and cards. And there on the table next to her was her old pink teddy, battered and bruised from years of cuddles. Greg had given it to her on her fifth birthday. He'd told her whenever she felt lonely or hurt or discouraged, all she had to do was hug
Mr. Cuddles and he'd take it all away. After Greg had passed, she had turned once more to her old buddy for comfort.

No one
knew what he meant to her except Corey. He was the only one who could have brought Mr. Cuddles in. To take her pain away, just as he'd done for so many years.

Another hand found hers and she looked up into
Irving's eyes. She had broken him. She wouldn't have believed it if she hadn't seen it with her own eyes, but she had. He looked tired and defeated, and he looked so much older than his age. He hadn't said one word to her when she'd expected him to have the most to say.

"I'm sorry, Daddy," she said in barely a whisper, pulling his hand to her lips like
Nate had done with hers.

Nate
gently squeezed the other man's arm , making her realise he'd probably been Irving's crutch throughout.

"I'm going to get you a drink,"
Nate said to Irving before he looked down at her again. "Promise me you won't do that again."

She nodded her head. No, she wouldn't do that again. But now, faced with a painful death, she was scared. She hadn't been before, when she'd made all her plans and had felt like she had some sort of control over the whole shitty situation. Now that had been blown to shit. She was stuck here now with all these people disappointed with her. And the person she needed the most couldn't even look at her.

The shitty part was, she might have failed today, but she was still going to die. Sooner rather than later.

Nate
kissed her gently on her forehead, giving her a little broken smile before he left the room.

Still,
Irving didn't say a word.

Shifting on the bed, she made room for him and tugged him down. Once she was in her father's arms for the first time in her life, she felt a certain security she'd never known before. This man had always been a strong wall, and it had taken this tumor for her to see it. How many of these cuddles could she have had, had she not cut him down on every turn? Would she have become a better person under his influence? Would she have been happier, embroiled in his life with his... her family?

If she'd had him in her life all along, would she have taken a different route when she'd got her results back? Would she have started treatment straight away, even against all the odds?

"I thought I'd lost you,"
Irving whispered.

She lifted her head to look into his eyes.

"I'm sorry," she repeated. "I was stupid. I thought I would be sparing you... "

"You'd planned this all along, hadn't you?" he asked.

Looking away, she nodded her head. Well, she hadn't planned it quite like this, but yes. Switzerland seemed so far away now.

Silence fell between them again. She held onto him a bit tighter because she knew
Irving was still struggling to deal with what she'd done.

John's envelope caught her eye and she picked it up. Her name was scribbled across the front in his bold handwriting. But she knew John. Whatever was in there would be another guilt trip, and she'd had enough of those to last her the rest of her life. She chuckled a bit to herself at that... the rest of her life, which could be months, weeks or even days.

"Open it," Irving urged.

She did as she was told, only because she was trying to be pliable. The first few sentences confirmed that she was indeed about to go on a major guilt trip.

Remember how we met? When Corey brought you down to my house after I broke up with... what was her name? For the life of me, I can't remember. You told me I'd forget all about her, didn't you? But at the time I felt like my life had become meaningless without her there with me. I never told anyone what I almost did, not even Corey. I never told anyone how you saved me.

Corey
had smoked almost the whole box of his cigarettes while seated on a bench just outside the hospital and hadn't said a word to anyone, not even John who'd come to sit with him. He stared, unseeing, at the ground, where so many cigarette butts had landed.

He was numb. The pain that was shooting from his heart to every inch of his body had made him numb. Every breath he took was extremely painful, and his lungs fell like they weren't taking any air in. He still tried his best to pull on as many cigarettes as he could. Maybe if he
was lucky, his heart would just give out. Then he could die here, in this place where his already shattered life had been officially fucked.

How could she do this to him? How had she even thought to go that far? Knowing how he felt about her, knowing he was worth shit without her, she'd still tried to leave him.

Had she thought he was lying when he'd told her he wouldn't go on without her? It was physically impossible. Did she not realise that? Yet still, she'd tried to leave him.

An image of that afternoon flashed across his eyes and he closed his eyes against it. But that only made it worse.

Rae lying on the bathroom floor, soaking in her own blood, unconscious.

Was that really the last image she'd wanted him to have of her? Had she really expected him to just move on after watching those doctors wheel his life away on the gurney? That's what it had felt like, like with every step they'd taken away from him as they rushed to save her, his life had slowly seeped out of him.

"Come on, let's go back in now," John said beside him.

He shook his head.

He couldn't face her. It hurt too much.

"She said she loved me..." he said in a broken whisper. "She told me that when she was with me she felt like she could do anything, that nothing could touch her."

He laughed wryly when he said that. Obviously, she'd been feeding him a load of crap.

Another thought occurred to him, one he tried his hardest to push all the way to the back of his mind. But it pushed through anyway.

What if she'd fed him bullshit from the get go?

What if she hadn't meant the things she'd said, the things she'd done? What if she hadn't really wanted to get with him the night of Flair's party? What if she'd just been feeling sorry for him, because she'd known she was going to kill herself anyway?

What if she didn't love him?

"She doesn't love me," he stated, adding more pain to the unbearable one already in his chest.

"What? No," John said. "You know she does. What she did in there... she was just trying to spare you everything that might happen."

"In what way is this bullshit sparing me watching her die?" he snapped angrily. "In what crazy ass place would anyone think watching her die now would be better than watching her die later? She doesn't love me, John. Simple. She just didn't want to hurt me by throwing my heart back in my face. She'd planned this all along, and like the stupid prick I am, I didn't see it."