The Changeling (Book One of The Síofra Chronicles) (19 page)

Chapter Twenty-Two

It had been a week since Caroline had been killed, and Aleksander wasn't budging.  He met me at the beach overnight and asked me the same question as if somehow the night would bring a new answer.

"Are you ready to make your choice?"
he asked, his green eyes closed off and distant. 

I felt a combination of anger and despair
spark in my chest until I was ready to choke on it—or possibly choke him. It was hard to tell. Instead, I glared at him and shook my head. 

"No.  Are you ready to stop trying to push me into something I'm not ready for?" I snapped at him.

"Are you ready to stop pretending you're not in danger?" His eyes flashed dangerously.

"Are you ready to stop acting like you don't give a crap about me?" I tossed back angrily.

His face paled and something that looked like regret flashed in his eyes, but it was gone in an instant.  Wiping all emotion from his face, he stared at me impassively until I wanted to punch him just to see if he would change his expression. 

"Whatever," I
flared, spinning on my heel and heading toward the village. 

He followed me, never saying anything
, and I could feel his gaze burning into my back.  I wanted to turn around and scream at him, rage at him until he said something. Until I could see some glimpse of the guy who had made me feel like I could do anything when he smiled at me, but that guy was gone.

I spent all of my time there at Erik's side.  Jackson and Queen Titania told
me that there was nothing I could do to help him, nothing to ease his passing, but I couldn't leave him to do it alone.  He was the only person who missed Caroline as much as I did, and I knew Caroline wouldn't want him to die alone. I owed it to her to be there for him.

He was fading. I didn't mean that as a figure of speech
—he was literally fading.  Every day he seemed a little more transparent, a little hazier around the edges.  I was worried what would happen the night I showed up at his home and he was completely gone. It would be like losing Caroline all over again.  I knew he was in pain, but he never complained.  He allowed me to hold his hand and listen while he talked to me about Caroline and how much she had been looking forward to their future together. A future he no longer wanted if she couldn’t share it with him.

"She loved you too
, you know," he said to me one night as I gripped his hand tightly in mine.  "She said she knew you were going to choose to stay here and she was glad she would have a friend here besides me."

"She said that
, huh?" I swallowed the lump building in my throat but couldn't stop the tears from sliding down my cheeks. "She was pretty sure of herself, wasn't she?"

He smiled sadly at me and patted my hand reassuringly.  His touch felt so soft, almost insubstantial.  He was running out of time
, but I wasn’t ready to let him go yet.

"She was sure of you," he corrected me thoughtfully. "And she was sure of Aleksander.  He loves you."

I shook my head violently, denying his claims.  "No he doesn't.  He told me he didn't and wouldn't let himself."

Erik smiled patiently at me like I was an argumentative child who was saying
that the sky was green and the grass was blue. 

"He's scared
, Cassie.  For you and for what it could mean for him.  He's looking at all the pain right now, but he's missing out on all the joy.  If I had to do it all over again, knowing I would lose her, I wouldn't do anything differently.  Those happy moments together are worth the pain.  Those few happy days with her were more important than the eons I lived before her.  She made my life worth living."

I wept loudly
, my shoulders shaking with grief.  I ducked my head, fixing my eyes on his massive hand wrapped around mine while I tried to get a hold of myself.   

"Don't cry for me," he soothed, squeezing my hand.  He was fading away and he was trying to comfort
me.
  "I don't want to be here without her anyway."

"You can't talk like that," I argued
, narrowing my eyes at him, my sorrow turning to anger at his words.  "She wouldn't want that for you. She would have wanted to know you were living somewhere, happy."

"Whether she would want me to or not, it doesn't change anything
," he said.  "I have been a Fae for a millennium, but I don't think I truly existed until she came into my life. I'm too tired to live another millennium without her.  She took my happiness with her."

I gulped the air and felt
a heaviness settle in my stomach.  I wanted to tell him that he was being selfish by giving up, but I couldn't. Seeing him without her happy face beaming up at him was wrong.  It was like looking at a painting that had been torn in two.  The part that was left looked incomplete and damaged.  He would never be whole without her. 

"I understand," I admitted, wiping the tears from my face with the back of my hand while Jackson squeezed my shoulder. 

I excused myself to go make him a cup of tea when Erik closed his eyes and drifted off into another bout of fitful sleep. I was desperate to step away from the emotional wrecking ball that was breaking me down. It was all getting to be too much for me—Aleksander's anger, Caroline's loss, my rising fear of the creature that had killed her.  I felt like a rubber band being stretched too far.  I was strung tight, close to snapping, and I knew it.

"You okay?" Jackson asked, following behind me, closing the door. 

I shook my head and busied myself filling the tea kettle and setting it to boil.  "No, not really," I said, too tired to plaster on my happy face.

"Would I be wrong to assume Aleksander is still being stubborn?"

"If by stubborn you mean refusing to do anything but scowl at me and force me to declare myself as a mortal, then I’d say you’re assumptions were pretty intuitive. There are mules more reasonable than he is."

He sighed and sat in the chair nearest the fire, his eyes focused on the dancing flames. 
"He's afraid of losing you," he said quietly.

"I doubt that," I scoffed.  "If that were true
, he wouldn't be shoving me away as hard as he can. You can't be afraid of losing what you don't want."  

I moved to the window and stared outside, wondering if he was still watching the house.  I tried to convince myself
that it didn’t bother me that he wasn’t lurking around the house and keeping an eye on me anymore.  I had asked him for space and he was giving it to me, and I was unreasonably angry.  I felt like he had deserted me.

"How much has he told you about his mortal life?"

"Just bits and pieces," I said, turning away from the window and sitting across from him.  "A little about his parents and a lot of self-loathing."

"Has he told you about
Margaret?" He watched me, his eyes dark and unreadable.

I frowned. I had heard that name before
, and I struggled to remember but pulled blanks.

"Who is
Margaret?" I asked, my heart picking up its pace.  I didn’t want to know but I hadn’t been able to stop myself from asking. 

He inhaled and swung his gaze back at the fire
, rubbing the back of his neck. 

"Who
is Margaret?" I repeated, narrowing my eyes.

"
She was Aleksander’s girlfriend when he was still a mortal. They were childhood sweethearts,” he admitted reluctantly. 

I hadn't thought it possible but my heart cracked even further. Blood roared in my ears
, and I let my face go blank. 

"I see," I said stiffly.

"No you don't," he frowned, his eyes flashing.  "When Aleksander turned nineteen, he had just lost her in a car accident.  He was broken and blamed himself, and I think he chose to stay here so he wouldn't have to face life there without her."

I felt like my stomach had dropped out from underneath me. I pressed my palms against my midsection as the thoughts swirled.  It had never been about me.  It had been about her. I
listened while Jackson described the wreck Aleksander had been when he had become a Síofra.  He had been desperate for an escape because he felt responsible for their accident, felt guilty he had survived and she hadn't. 

"He's afraid to lose anyone else
, Cassandra," Jackson explained, watching me carefully.  "It's not that he doesn't care for you. I think he could love you if he would allow himself to.  He wants you to be safe, and he'll sacrifice what he wants to make sure that happens, even if it means hurting your feelings.  His heart is in the right place even though it may not feel like it right now.  He’s trying to be a good Caomhnóir to you."

I gave him a reassuring smile I knew didn't reach my eyes and pulled the kettle from the fire, pouring water into both of our cups.

"Then he’s being overdramatic for no reason," I said quietly. “There’s nothing between Aleksander and me for him to give up.”  It wasn’t exactly a lie.  I had thought there was something between us but clearly I had been wrong

It was such a contrast to hear Erik talk about how love was worth everything he was going through and then to realize
that Aleksander wouldn't even allow himself to care about me enough so it would hurt if I were killed. 

"I'll try to be easier on him," I promised, struggling to keep my voice even. I needed to get out of there before I completely lost it in front of Jackson.  There wasn’t enough room for me and all my emotions in the tiny room at the same time.   "I think I'm going to go take a walk."

***

I followed the little stone path until I came to the village gardens. Without meaning to
, my feet led me to the tree in the center, where a large willow tree grew, and I collapsed beneath it, pulling my knees into my chest and letting the tears slide down my face. 

All
I felt like I did anymore was cry and get angry and cry some more. I had never experienced loss or real fear before.  I had grown up in a secure family in a comfortable neighborhood, and the worst thing I had ever had to consider was going to a different college than Becca. I had been sheltered, and it’d left me completely unprepared to handle the enormity of the situation before me. 

"You have got a truly terrible crying face. It's almost shockingly ugly. Has anyone ever told you that?"

I jerked my hands from my face and stared in shock when I recognized Finnian, his strange eyes dancing with amusement.  I felt prickles of fear climbing my spine and making the hair on my neck stand on edge as I glanced about nervously for Niall. 

"No, but then most people don't make a habit of kicking people when they're down," I said warily.  "Where's your nasty little friend?"

"Niall is not my friend," he stated, sitting down next to me on the grass uninvited. 

I shot him a dirty look and scooted away from him. 
"You sure seemed awfully chummy at Court," I shot back, my face hostile and my stomach churning.

"We're not
." He shrugged indifferently.  "After his stunt with the piskies, my mother knew Titania would never listen to what he had to say about the Erlking so she sent me to smooth things over.  Titania doesn't much care for me either, but everyone else adores me."

"Not everyone," I snarled.  "So far I can't say I'm overly fond of you."

"That's because you don't know me yet." He smirked at me, unaffected by my anger.  "Give it time and you'll be clamoring to join my fan club."

"Yeah
, I wouldn't get your hopes up.  ‘I heart Finnian’ buttons aren't exactly my style." I rolled my eyes in annoyance.

"I heart Finn," he corrected with a grin.

"What?"

"It would be
‘I heart Finn’ buttons. Only parents and stuffy Court drones get to call me Finnian. I like my friends to call my Finn. Give it some time and you'll realize I'm the man of your dreams and you'll be begging for a button."

"You mispronounced nightmare
,
Finnian
," I snorted as I placed emphasis on his given name. "Why would your mom care if Niall was here?"

"Well
,
Cassandra
," he grinned at me. "That would be because my mother is Queen Mab. I know what you're thinking. She doesn't seem like the maternal sort. It's because she's not."

I felt the prickles of fear climbing my spine again
, and the urge to bolt almost overtook me. 

"Stop looking at me like I'm about to pull the tails off of puppies," he said, a corner of his mouth turning up
making his cheek dimple.  "I'm not like my mother. My father is Seelie, and I'd like to think I got some of his better qualities."

I stared at him in shock.  "Your
dad is Seelie? How does that even happen?" 

"Well
, frankly, I would have thought someone would have had this talk with you already, but ignorance is a deplorable trait.  You see, when a man and a woman are attracted to one another—"

"Ugh
." I curled my lip, holding my hands up as if I could block his words. "No. Just, no. Not what I meant.  I meant that I don't understand the dynamics of a relationship with an Unseelie.  You guys seem pretty damn dark to me. Then again, after having met you, I doubt your dad is the brightest crayon in the box."