The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism (19 page)

It’s worth doing your research. If you’re going to a party, call the host; if you’re going on a job interview, go by the office a few days before to see what people coming in and out of it are wearing.

On my first visit to Oracle, I made the mistake of showing up in a New York–style black business suit. Oracle was not only a West Coast firm (read: casual) but a high-tech one to boot; they quickly advised me to lose the suit. These days, when I’m leading consulting projects at the Google headquarters, I blend in with jeans, while the brilliant engineers I coach slouch around in shorts, T-shirts, and flip-flops.

The Power of a Good Handshake

A Fortune 500 CEO once said that when he had to choose between two candidates with similar qualifications, he gave the position to the candidate with the better handshake. Extreme? Perhaps, but management experts at the University of Iowa analyzing interactions
in job interviews declared handshakes “more important than agreeableness, conscientiousness, or emotional stability.”
⁷
Other studies determined that a handshake improves the quality of the interaction, producing a higher degree of intimacy and trust within a matter of seconds.

I often tell my clients that no matter how expensive their suit, watch, or briefcase, if their handshake is bad, their first impression will take a hit. The right handshake costs far less and will do far more for you than a designer suit can. Having a great handshake is critical to authority charisma—can you imagine a powerful figure with a limp, weak handshake?

Though it may seem inconsequential, a handshake is indeed a serious step in intimacy. The physical contact involved requires that the personal space barrier be suspended, if only for a moment. It therefore requires trust. If the trust is validated (the handshake goes well), the first step in a relationship is made.

The first commonly known depiction of a handshake was found in Egyptian frescoes dating back to around 2800
B.C.
To this day, across cultures and hemispheres, the handshake remains surprisingly common—and always features the right hand. Since that was the one traditionally used for wielding weapons, shaking the right hand was symbolic of a suspension of danger, showing that the greeter’s weapon hand was unarmed.

In Roman times, the handshake was in fact an arm clasp. Each man would clasp just below the elbow of the other. This gesture afforded a better opportunity to feel for daggers hidden in sleeves. Medieval knights took precautions a step further by adding a shake to the clasp to dislodge any hidden weapons, and thus the handshake was born.

Of the many handshake blunders people can make, let’s discuss the worst offenders.

The Dead Fish:
This is perhaps the worst. Here, a limp, lifeless hand is extended and just barely shaken. This handshake can ruin a meeting before it even begins. And, unfortunately, I have met scores of women with this particular affliction.

The Knuckle Cruncher:
This grip may be a demonstration of
machismo, but it could also be the result of a person genuinely unaware of his (or her) strength. Alternatively, it might be the result of misguided teachings—some women have been taught that the stronger their grip, the more seriously they will be taken. Hence, they conclude that they should clamp down as if their life depended on it.

The Dominant:
In this case, the hand is extended palm down, perhaps conveying the intention of having the upper hand in the interaction. A variation of this shake would be
The Twisting Dominant,
where the hand is extended innocently straight outward, but twists once the shake is initiated to gain the upper hand.

The Two-Handed:
We’ll close this woeful list with the classic two-handed handshake. In this case, you’ll feel your partner’s left hand at work, closing in on your right hand, wrist, arm, shoulder, or neck. It’s also known as
The Politician’s Handshake,
which gives you an idea of how little regard people have for those who proffer it. The only exception is when the person you’re meeting is already a good friend, and even then I’d reserve it for those times when you want to convey special warmth (to be used sparingly).

Many of my clients were shocked to learn that they’d been guilty of one of the above without realizing it, and in doing so lost charisma points before they had even said a word. So what, then, are the ingredients for a perfect handshake? Check out the box below for the ten components of a gold-star handshake.

Several of my clients have come back to me amazed by what a difference a good handshake makes. Practice with friends or family—people who will give you truly candid feedback. Have them read this section. (And remember, everything here is North American specific.)

So you’ve made a fantastic first impression. You’ve given a great handshake. You walk up to them and what happens next? You speak. Charismatic conversationalists know how to start conversations easily, make people feel special, and end conversations gracefully. Let’s see how you can create positive associations from start to finish, from the way you open a conversation to the way you exit it.

Break the Ice

An easy way to start interactions in a way that both communicates warmth and sends the conversation down the right path is to offer a compliment about something the person is wearing. This would be a great opener when you’re aiming to broadcast either kindness charisma or focus charisma. It can also be a good way to balance out the power in your authority charisma if you think a more subdued version of your power is needed.

Continue with an open-ended question, such as “What’s the story behind it?” The word
story
has a very strong emotional effect on most people—it sends them straight into storytelling mode, which instantly changes the rapport between the two of you. In addition, because they chose to wear this item, they most likely have a positive feeling about it.

Another good question to break the ice with is “Where are you from?” No matter what the answer, it will encourage further dialogue. Whether they answer “New York” or “New Delhi,” if you’re not from that area, you can follow up with “What was it like growing up there?” The smaller the town of origin, the more delighted they will be that you have expressed interest.

To keep people talking, simply ask open-ended questions, such as “What brought you here tonight?” or “How are you connected to this event?” Closed questions, by contrast, can be answered by yes or no, and once answered, they land you right back where you started, trying to think of something else to keep the conversation going.

Aim to keep your questions focused on positive subjects because people will associate you with whatever feelings your conversation
generates. Instinctively, you would probably know to avoid asking “So how’s the divorce going?” Instead, focus on questions that will likely elicit positive emotions. With your questions, you have the power to lead the conversation in the direction you want.

If they start asking about you and you want to refocus the conversation on them, use the
bounce back
technique. Answer the question with a fact, add a personal note, and redirect the question to them, as follows:

Other Person: “So where are you moving to?”

You: “To Chelsea [fact]. We fell in love with the parks and the bakeries [personal note]. What do you think of the neighborhood [redirect]?”

Remember, it’s all about keeping the spotlight on them for as long as possible. “Talk to a man about himself, and he will listen for hours,” said Benjamin Disraeli. In fact, even when you’re speaking, the one word that should pop up most often in your conversation is not
I
but
you
. Instead of saying “I read a great article on that subject in the
New York Times,
” try “You might enjoy the recent
New York Times
article on the subject.” Or simply insert “You know…” before any sentence to make them instantly perk up and pay attention.

To make yourself even more relatable, adjust your choice of words, your breadth and depth of vocabulary, and your expressions to suit your audience: focus on their fields of interest and choose metaphors from those domains. If they’re into golf and you want to talk about success, speak of hitting a hole in one. If they sail, a catastrophe becomes a shipwreck.

One of my clients, a Deutsche Bank analyst, told me she couldn’t seem to establish a good relationship with her boss. She described him as rather brusque, almost militaristic in his demeanor, “and, in fact, he often uses battle language in our daily interactions.” That, to me, was just the clue we needed. I suggested adopting military analogies in which she would liken herself to a “loyal soldier” or a “good lieutenant,” and gradually increasing the use of military vocabulary in their conversations. Within a week, she told me that their interactions had significantly improved—he now seemed to regard her as “one of his people,” and someone he could count on.
This was a high return on investment for just adding a few words to her vocabulary!

Graceful Exits

Just as a first impression can color the rest of the interaction, so can the last few moments. Becoming a charismatic conversationalist means that people will really enjoy being around you, and may be increasingly reluctant to let you go. In fact, the more charismatic you become, the harder it will be to escape your newfound fans. Many charismatic people mention this as one of their biggest challenges. So how can you gracefully exit a conversation?

First, don’t wait too long to end it. Otherwise, you and your partner will feel the strain and become uncomfortable. The easiest way to exit is, of course, to have an official reason for doing so. That’s one of the many reasons to be a volunteer or acquire some official duty at parties. When you’re “on duty,” people will actually expect you to spend no more than a few minutes with them.

Another way to exit a conversation with grace is to offer something of value:

• Information: an article, book, or Web site you think might be of use to them
  
• A connection: someone they ought to meet whom you know and can introduce them to
  
• Visibility: an organization you belong to, where you could invite them to speak
  
• Recognition: an award you think they should be nominated for
  

Offering value will often create in others a feeling of warmth and goodwill toward you, and your departure from the conversation will be haloed by the impression of generosity you’ve created.

Wait until your conversation partner has finished a sentence, and say something to the effect of, “You know, based on what you’ve just said, you really should check out this Web site. If you have a card, I’ll
send you the link.” As soon as your counterpart gives you a business card, you have the perfect opportunity to say, “Great! I’ll e-mail you soon. It was a pleasure meeting you.”

Alternatively, if the person has agreed to meet someone in the room, simply say, “Let me introduce you,” and bring them together. Because you’ve just generously given them something, your conversation partner can’t help but have positive feelings for you. You can also draw others into the conversation as they pass by—a group of three or four is always easier to take leave of.

What if you’re the one breaking up a group? Perhaps you’re rescuing someone from a conversation they’ve indicated they wanted to leave, or you need to introduce them to someone else, or one of the group is needed for another duty.