The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism (24 page)

Once you’re in a mirrored position, spend your entire listening time in that mode: as long as you’re listening, match your body language to hers. Only when it’s your turn to speak should you start
infusing the interaction with warmth, caring, and compassion through your voice, face, and eyes. As you speak, gradually shift into a more relaxed, calm, and, eventually, confident posture. There’s a good chance that she’ll follow.

Mirror-then-lead is a smart strategy when the person you’re interacting with needs reassurance—when they’re feeling nervous or timid, anxious or awkward, stiff or withdrawn. With any of these emotional states, mirror them to establish comfort and rapport, and then gradually draw them out. In these situations, it’s not a good idea to try to influence their body language too forcefully.

On the other hand, there are instances where you do not want to mirror a person’s body language. If their demeanor is angry or defensive, mirroring would only escalate the tension. Say you’re meeting with a manager who has denied a request you made, and who is sitting in a defensive position—leaning back with his arms and legs crossed and his hands balled into fists. Rather than mirroring, try breaking him out of his posture by handing him something: a piece of paper or a pen—whatever works. And then, as soon as he’s in a new position, distract him by giving him new information or changing the subject while you mirror his posture to reestablish rapport.

Remember, our physiology affects our psychology. This link between physiology and psychology is also the reason it’s so important to get someone who is in an angry, stubborn, or defensive posture to change their body language before you attempt to change their mind. As long as their
body
is in a certain emotional mode, it will be nearly impossible to get their mind to feel something different.

Personal Space

Behavioral scientists can predict which stall people will choose in a communal bathroom with startling accuracy. People consistently follow a specific pattern, depending on which stalls are already occupied. Our adherence to personal space rules is so strong, it’s even been found that people who play virtual-reality games obey real-life personal space rules within the game.

The concept of personal space evolved from mid-twentieth-century studies of zoo animals’ behavior.
⁷
In the same manner that animals define and defend their territories, we humans feel “ownership” of the space around us. This territory, even if it’s just a few inches, is felt as an extension of our bodies, and we act to preserve this space and react strongly if it is invaded.

Being charismatic means making others feel comfortable, at ease, and good about themselves when they are around us. In nonverbal communication, one crucial element for making people feel at ease and establishing rapport is respecting the amount of personal space people need to be comfortable. Conversely, not respecting people’s personal-space preferences can create high levels of discomfort, and those emotions could become associated with you. It’s worth paying attention.

Let’s say you’re in a conversation, and you notice your conversation partner leaning away with her upper body, pulling her head backward, or even physically stepping away from you. This may be a sign that she needs more personal space. The worst thing to do would be to move in closer. That would heighten her discomfort, and there’s a good chance that those feelings would get associated with you. Instead, give her space: lean away or move back a few inches.

The size of personal space varies by culture, by population density, and by situation. A single individual’s comfort zone is in fact highly variable. We will accept personal space restrictions in certain situations, such as when we’re in a crowded elevator, bus, or subway.

I realized just how ingrained our sense of personal space is by trying to overrule my own instincts while standing in a crowded subway car. When the doors opened and people poured out, creating pockets of empty space, I resisted the urge to move away from my nearest neighbor. Instead, I made myself stay in the same spot and the same position, as close as we’d been when the crowd pushed us together. I had been wondering whether my knowledge of our instinctive tendencies would free me from their hold. Clearly, this was not the case: I realized, to my amusement, that I was feeling physically uncomfortable, almost unbearably so! And despite my best efforts to stay in place, I discovered too late that my body had gotten away from me:
though I hadn’t moved my feet, the rest of my body was leaning away as much as balance and gravity allowed.

Personal space affects our interactions with others and how we perceive situations. For example, that’s why negotiators choose their seats around a table so carefully; they know their seating choice can influence the outcome of the entire negotiation. When people are sitting across from each other with a table dividing them, they tend to speak in shorter sentences, are more likely to argue, and can recall less of what was said.
⁸

If you want someone to feel comfortable, avoid seating them with their back to an open space, particularly if others are moving behind them. This kind of seating position causes the breathing rate, heart rate, and blood pressure to increase rapidly, especially if the person’s
back is toward an open door or a window at ground level.
⁹
And by association, their discomfort would likely affect their perception of you.

Your Eyes, the Windows to Your Soul

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone who kept looking over your shoulder to see if someone more important and interesting than you might be arriving? Those roaming eyes are definitely not charismatic.

Good eye contact is incredibly important. Profound eye contact can have a powerful impact on people; it can communicate empathy and give an impression of thoughtfulness, wisdom, and intelligence. You simply cannot be charismatic without it. In fact, eye contact is one of the main ways charismatic masters make you feel that you are the most important person in the room.

Anthropologist Helen Fisher explains that when you stare with intensity at someone, it can speed up their heart rate and send a hormone called
phenylethylamine,
or PEA, coursing through their bloodstream. PEA is the same hormone that produces the phenomenon we call love at first sight.

In one study, complete strangers were asked to count the number of times the person across from them blinked. This was just a ploy to get people to look deeply into each other’s eyes without feeling the awkwardness that usually arises. Within just a few minutes, people reported increased affection, and some even passionate feelings, for each other.
¹⁰
So obviously, you don’t want to overdo it, but it can be very effective.

Our eyes are a key part of our nonverbal communication, perhaps the single most important one. Why are eyes called the “windows to the soul”? Because they are the most mobile part of the entire face—and so, the most expressive.

Imagine that you’re in a conversation with someone who’s wearing sunglasses. Wouldn’t you find it harder to read them? This is why poker players wear sunglasses, as did shipping magnate Aristotle
Onassis during tough negotiations so that his adversaries wouldn’t know what he was thinking.

Eye contact is so meaningful to us that our brains are hardwired to experience
separation distress
whenever someone with whom we have significant eye contact turns away. One good way to avoid creating this anxiety is to keep eye contact for three full seconds at the end of your interaction with someone. This may sound short, but it’ll actually feel endless! If you can get into the habit of doing this, you’ll find it well worth the effort. With just a few seconds’ investment, people will feel you have truly paid attention to them.

Two of the most common eye-contact issues people have are lack of eye contact due to shyness and lack of eye contact due to distraction. Either, unfortunately, can ruin your charisma potential. One technique works equally well for both of these: delving into sensations. As you look into someone’s eyes, pay attention to the physical sensations you are feeling in that very moment. If shyness is the issue, this helps to dedramatize the discomfort. If distraction is the issue, this technique will help you keep your mind focused in the present moment. You can also look at the different colors you see in their eyes, the different shades playing around their pupils.

Let’s say you’re at a party. Your boss’s spouse grabs your arm and proceeds to talk your ear off about an impossibly boring subject. You might be tempted to let your mind wander or your eyes roam. But you know that doing either of these would be visible and would diminish your charisma. This is where the presence techniques can help keep you focused.

These insights and tools will help you get the right amount of eye contact. But that’s not enough—to be charismatic, you also need to know how to use the right
kind
of eye contact. The degree and the precise kind of tension that shows around our eyes dramatically impact how we are perceived.

Les Fehmi, a neuroscientist specializing in this field, found that it all comes down to the way we pay attention. If we’re in narrow, focused, evaluative attention—imagine viewing the world through the eyes of a police officer—our stress system will be on constant, low-grade alert. This brings our eyes into sharp focus, increases our stress
responses, and results in both our face and our eyes tensing.
¹¹
It greatly inhibits the amount of warmth we can project.

Charismatic eye contact means switching to a softer focus. This immediately relaxes our eyes and face, and quiets down our stress system. Here are three simple steps to help you switch to a soft, open focus: First, close your eyes. Focus on the space around you, the empty space in the room. Now focus on the space filling the entire universe. That’s it—you’ve moved into “soft focus.”

One of my clients mentioned that as he tried this exercise, he saw “how little effort it takes to make drastic changes in our eyes… literally, one-millimeter changes have a huge impact!”

You knew that eye contact mattered, and you were right. Few things impair charisma more than bad eye contact and few things gain you charisma points more than improving your eye contact. The next time you’re in a conversation, try to regularly check whether your eyes are feeling tense. If you feel the slightest bit of tension around your eyes, aim to relax them. You can use any favorite quick visualization (just one heartwarming image can do the trick) or aim to move into soft focus.

Getting your eyes right is critical to emanating warmth. Now let’s look at one element critical for power: posture.

The Right Posture for Nonverbal Power

Because we can’t peer into people’s hearts and minds, we assume attributes from the clues we observe. When someone displays high confidence through their body language, we tend to assume they have something to be confident about: people simply accept what you project. Any increase in the amount of confidence your body language projects will bring you major charisma rewards.

Projecting power and confidence is what allows you to emanate warmth, enthusiasm, and excitement without coming across as overeager or subservient. Because body language is wired so deeply within us, signs of confidence (or lack thereof) in someone’s body language have veto power over all other signs of power. No matter how many signs of power and high status we may project through our appearance, title, or even through others’ deference, a body language of insecurity will kill charisma on the spot. On the other hand, a body language of confidence can endow its bearer with charisma even when no other power signs are present.

In the following sections, you’ll learn how to broadcast power in your posture and poise in a way that’s properly balanced with warmth.

Be the Big Gorilla

It’s a sweet spring day in California, and students are milling about the sunny campus of Stanford University. With its pastel Spanish-style buildings, palm trees, and profusion of wildflowers, the university feels like a cross between a posh country club and a Spanish hacienda.