The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism (26 page)

When verbal and nonverbal messages contradict, we tend to trust what we see in the other person’s body language more than what we hear them say.

Through emotional contagion, your emotions can spread to other people. As a leader, the emotions conveyed by your body language, even during brief, casual encounters, can have a ripple effect on your team or even your entire company.

To communicate warmth, aim to make people feel comfortable: respect their personal space, mirror their body language, and keep your eyes relaxed.

When people come to you in need of reassurance, first mirror their body language, then lead them to more calm, open, and confident positions.

When people are defensive, break their body language lock by handing them something to look at or something they will have to lean forward to take.

To project power, take up space (be the big gorilla) and be still (adopt a regal posture).

Cut out verbal and nonverbal reassurances like head bobbing and excessive uh-huh-ing.

FOR THE MOST
part, my clients report major success incorporating the charisma-boosting techniques you’ve just learned into their everyday social and business interactions. But, as you may well imagine, certain challenging circumstances may require a more nuanced approach. In this chapter you’ll learn how to handle situations such as dealing with difficult people, delivering bad news or criticism, and giving apologies in the most charismatic way you can. It is actually possible to come out of each of these experiences with relationships intact, and possibly even strengthened.

Dealing with Difficult People

Some people are just difficult. Some have egos that need to be stroked, some are always critical, others are deliberately confrontational. In many cases, these people make a point of being resistant to
being won over. This section gives you techniques for disarming difficult people and getting them on your side.

Peter was the worldwide chairman of a global professional services firm. When he came to see me, he already had a level of charisma most executives would envy. But Peter had a different challenge: he wanted to take the entire global firm in a new direction.

“It’s like herding cats,” he grumbled as we sat down that morning. For his initiative to succeed, all eight members of the firm’s international board would have to agree to it, and each of them, he told me, was “one big ego with a couple of arms and legs sticking out.” He had only one chance to succeed: an imminent international board meeting. Failure was not an option, so Peter cleared his schedule and flew to New York to meet with me.

What magical charisma tricks might I have, he asked, to win over that entire board?

Divide and Conquer

My first recommendation to Peter was simple: don’t try to win them all over all at once.

Every time someone sees you, their perception of you is filtered through the context in which you both operate: their internal state and their personal and cultural filters. It’s far more difficult to have charisma when you’re dealing with a group because you must handle all the individual contexts on top of the group dynamic. The one exception is when you’re on stage: the effect of being in the spotlight makes up for the multiple-context handicap. But in general, when you have a group of difficult people to convince, you’ll have much greater chances of success if you work on each of them individually.

This is why Peter and I crafted an individual persuasion strategy for the CEO of each country, and he had a separate meeting with each of them. This allowed him to choose the right charisma style for each person and situation. As we saw in
Chapter 6
, the “right” charisma style depends on your personality, the situation, your goals, and the person you’re dealing with.

One situation might call for focus charisma. Perhaps you’re
dealing with a person who needs to feel heard and listened to. In Peter’s case, the head of the firm’s Spanish branch was feeling ill-treated. He thought that his opinions hadn’t been given due consideration by the rest of the board. He also disapproved of Peter’s recent “Message from the Chairman” firm-wide e-mail and wanted to make this known. “He really just wanted to get this all off his chest,” Peter told me. “Focus charisma was perfect. It made him feel completely heard, listened to, and understood. After that, he was far more willing to consider anything I suggested.”

Other situations might call for either authority or visionary charisma; for instance, when people are dealing with uncertainty and looking for a clear, compelling vision. In Peter’s case, the head of Argentina was dealing with massive uncertainty. His country was facing a severe economic and social crisis. Peter told me that “they had run out of answers.” Here, he drew mainly on visionary charisma, presenting a strategic plan that would give the senior executive team a solid framework to rely on as well as clear guidelines to follow.

Once you know whom it is you need to persuade and which styles might work best for each person, consider the following recommendations to help win them over.

Make Them Rationalize in Your Favor

Benjamin Franklin’s favorite way to win over his political opponents was not to do them favors but rather to
ask
them for favors. Franklin once wrote a note to one of his adversaries expressing his hope of reading a certain rare book he’d heard that this gentleman possessed, and asking the favor of borrowing it for just a few days. The gentleman complied. Franklin returned it as promised, with a second note warmly expressing his appreciation and gratitude for the favor.

In his autobiography, Franklin describes what happened as a result: “When we next met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had never done before), and with great civility; and he ever after manifested a readiness to serve me on all occasions, so that we became great friends, and our friendship continued to his death.”
¹

This technique has become known as the
Ben Franklin Effect
.
Having lent Franklin the book, the opponent had to either consider himself as inconsistent (having done a favor for someone he disliked) or rationalize his action by deciding that he actually rather liked Franklin. “I did something nice for this person, so I must like him. I wouldn’t have agreed to do a favor for someone I dislike. That wouldn’t make sense.” Using this technique encouraged the opponent to rationalize his actions in Franklin’s favor.

How can you use this technique to your advantage? You could indeed ask your opponents for their help or ask them for a favor. Better still, ask them for something they can give without incurring any cost: their
opinion
. Asking for someone’s opinion is a better strategy than asking for their advice, because giving advice feels like more effort, as they have to tailor a recommendation to your situation, whereas with an opinion, they can just spout whatever is on their mind.

Best of all is to call upon the benefits of rationalization through something they’ve already done for you. Find ways to remind them of any help they’ve given you in the past. Express your appreciation and gratitude, highlight the choice they made, the effort they put in; and if they put their reputation on the line for you in any way, play it up. Remember, it’ll make them rationalize their actions in your favor. “Wow, I really did go all-out for this person. I must really like them.”