The Color of Joy (3 page)

You are wracked with guilt and regret over all the little details—like waiting to see your baby until your wife regained consciousness—the things you could have done differently that would have prevented this terrible disaster from happening in the first place. As a parent, you believe you have failed your child. Thinking of her out there somewhere, without your love and protection, is beyond excruciating.

That is where words fail me.

*

It’s safe to say that the hours in the hospital after I spoke to the police were the darkest of my life—and I’d experienced some pretty bleak situations in my younger days. My addictions nearly killed me. I did things I can’t even bear to think about. Prison was no picnic, but it was nothing compared to this.

My baby daughter was gone and she didn’t even have a name.

I’d also watched my wife come close to bleeding to death on an operating table and I’d faced the clear likelihood of her death. By some miracle she survived, but she had yet to return to consciousness.

When she woke—
and I
prayed to God that she would
—I’d have to tell her that the doctor had removed her uterus and ovaries. She’d learn that she couldn’t have any more children, and the baby she’d just delivered was gone. Our child had been stolen out of the hospital and I had no idea where she was, or with whom.

I sat next to Lois with my forehead resting on the bedrail, my eyes squeezed tightly shut as I caressed her limp hand in mine.

Please, God…
Is this some sort of punishment for my past sins? Haven’t I done enough to atone for all that? Or is this some kind of test? Do I still need to prove how sorry I am? What more do You want from me? I thought You’d forgiven me. Why, God? Why this?

In that moment, Lois’s finger twitched. My heart beat thunderously in my chest as I lifted my head, opened my stinging, bloodshot eyes and searched her face for signs of awareness.

Her eyes fluttered open. I rose heavily out of my chair to lean over her. “Lois…baby, I’m here.”

She blinked up at the ceiling for a few seconds, then turned her head on the pillow and nodded weakly.

Tears filled my eyes as I bent forward to kiss her.
My darling, beautiful wife… Thank you, God. Thank you for this, at least.

“The baby…” Lois whispered. “Is she all right?”

Carol approached the other side of the bed. “Lois, sweetheart… You’re awake. We’re so glad.”

She met her mother’s tearful gaze. “Hi, Mom.”

Carol bent forward to kiss and hug her daughter, and I knew there was so much more beneath this woman’s calm surface. Like me, she was overwhelmingly grateful for Lois’s recovery, yet cognizant of the terrible news we would have to deliver to her—after Lois had already endured so much.

“What happened?” Lois groggily asked. “Did they do a C-section?”

“Yes,” I replied, “and they got the baby out. She was okay, but you were losing a lot of blood. You were in bad shape.”

“Were you there?” she asked.

I nodded and squeezed her hand. “Of course. It was serious and I was pretty worried, but you pulled through. You were a real fighter, babe, just like always, and Dr. Orlean was amazing. She saved your life.”

“Sounds pretty dramatic,” Lois said with a tiny smile.

I’d never loved her more.

But the love I felt sent a severe burning dread straight to my gut.

“I’m sorry, but I have to tell you something else,” I said, steeling myself to deliver the first wave of the difficult news. “There were some complications with the surgery.”

“Is the baby okay?” she asked again.

“The baby did fine,” I replied, “but Dr. Orlean had to…” I stopped and looked down. “You were hemorrhaging, Lois. She had to do a hysterectomy. I’m so sorry.”

Lois lay still for a long time with her eyes closed, and I worried she hadn’t understood what I’d just told her. Would I need to describe all the details? Explain the reasons why? Maybe that would be better left to the doctor.

Then at last my wife opened her eyes, looked at me and spoke. “So I can’t have any more babies?”

I shook my head.

Lois breathed deeply and nodded with a quiet acceptance. “I suppose I should consider myself lucky. I’m alive today and I have three beautiful children—children I love. Can I see her?” She was of course referring to our newborn daughter.

Carol’s eyes met mine from the opposite side of the bed. We shared a look of painful indecision.
How would we tell her?

“Not yet, sweetheart,” Carol finally said, taking hold of her hand. “There’s a bit of a…” She paused and swallowed uneasily. “A situation.”

Lois frowned. “What kind of situation? I thought you said she was okay.”

“She is,” I replied. “She
was,
but…”

“
Was
?” With a flash of concern, Lois tried to sit up, but winced in pain.

“Lois, sweetheart,” Carol said as she gently encouraged her daughter to lie back down on the pillows. “You’ve just had major surgery. You need to stay calm.”

Oh, crap
…

“Stay
calm
?” Lois exploded with visible agitation. “What’s going on? What aren’t you telling me?”

I leaned over her. “I don’t even know how to explain… It’s bad, Lois. The baby was fine after the section. I heard her cry and it was the best sound in the world, but then they had to take her to the nursery while they finished working on you.”

She stared at me in horror. “And
then
what happened?”

It wasn’t easy to look her in the eye. “Somehow… I don’t know how… She went missing from the nursery.”

Lois shook her head in bewilderment. “What are you talking about?”

“She was there and doing well,” I tried to explain. “They fed her around six this morning, then put her down to sleep. When they checked on her later, she was gone.”

“Gone. How can…? What time is it now?”

“Almost nine.”

Her panicked eyes darted from my face to her mother’s. “They haven’t found her? This isn’t making any sense.”

“I know,” I replied. “We’re doing everything we can to try and figure it out. The police are here. I told them everything and they’re going to want to ask you questions, too. The hospital has been searching everywhere, but it’s like she just…disappeared into thin air.”

“Disappeared.” Lois’s face twisted into a mixture of confusion and anxiety. “My baby… Please tell me this is some kind of a cruel joke.”

A nurse ran into the room.

My gaze shot like a bullet to the poor innocent health care worker. I knew she had nothing to do with my daughter’s disappearance, yet I blamed her just the same. I blamed
everyone
in this place.

“She’s awake,” I told the nurse. “We just told her what happened.”

The nurse approached the side of the bed. “How are you feeling Mrs. James? Are you in any pain?”

“Are you kidding me?” she replied, trying again to sit up. “My husband just told me my baby’s missing. I don’t care about the pain!”

All the color drained from the nurse’s face. “I’ll get the doctor.”

She bolted from the room.

“I don’t understand how this could happen,” Lois said to me for the hundredth time after the doctor checked her over and gave her a sedative. “It was the first day of her life, her first moments in the world, and neither of us were there to hold her and tell her we loved her. Why didn’t you go as soon as you woke up?”

She laid a hand over her eyes, as if she couldn’t bear to imagine it.

“I was so afraid of losing you,” I explained. “You almost died last night and I wanted us to see our baby
together
so we could name her. I didn’t want to do it without you.”

She lowered her hand and gazed up at me pleadingly. “If only you had gone to the nursery and checked on her.”

I pressed the heels of my fists into my forehead.
God, help us
. “I know, I know! If I could go back and do it differently, I would. I didn’t realize she wouldn’t be safe. It’s a
hospital
.”

Carol, who had remained silent until that moment, rose from her chair. “Lois, you can’t blame Riley. He was awake for almost thirty hours. He had to sleep at some point. We’re all on the same side here. We all just want to get your baby back.”

Lois listened to her mother’s gentle admonishment, closed her eyes and swallowed hard. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” She opened her eyes and squeezed my hand. “It’s not your fault. But how could someone just
take
her? And how will they ever find her?”

“We can’t lose hope.” Even as I spoke the words, they felt trite and clichéd.

“I can’t bear this,” Lois said to me. “All I want to do is get out of this bed and do something to find her, but I can’t even move!”

I laid my hand on hers but it was a flimsy, inadequate attempt at comfort because I knew nothing could ease her pain except the return of our baby.

“The police are doing everything they can,” I tried to assure her. “They understand how important it is to find her as quickly as possible.”

She listened for a moment, as if she were trying to cling to a dangling fragment of hope, but could find none.

Carol gave me a sympathetic look, but nothing could alter the fact that I blamed myself for this. Though my wife agreed it wasn’t my fault, the helpless, fearful look in her eyes was like a knife in my heart because despite my checkered past, she’d always called me her hero. She’d seen me as a good man. A strong man. She’d helped me believe it was true and that I was worthy of her love and capable of great things.

Today I was furious with myself. Why hadn’t I gone to see my newborn daughter? How could I have left her in the care of others for those crucial first few hours of her life? What was I thinking?

Lois looked into my eyes. “We have to find her, Riley. If we don’t, I don’t know how I’ll survive.”

I stood motionless in the sterile ICU room regarding the wife I loved—deep in the marrow of my bones—and felt a chill roll through my body. My daughter had been gone for as many as three hours. I wasn’t a cop or a psychic. What was I supposed to do? Go outside and sniff the wind?

Lois continued to stare at me fixedly until I nodded. “We’ll find her,” I said.

Then a detective walked into the room—the same guy I’d spoken with earlier. He wore a dress shirt and black leather jacket. I thought he was in his mid-thirties when I first met him, but this time he looked older than that. I noticed a touch of gray in his dark hair.

“Mrs. James,” he said, “I’m Lieutenant Miller. Can I ask you a few questions?”

“Of course,” she replied, awkwardly moving to sit up. “And I have a few questions for you, too. I want to know what happened and exactly what’s being done.”

I decided to listen in. Maybe I’d learn something.

Detective Miller asked Lois the same questions he’d asked me, one of which was why we hadn’t given the baby a name yet. Lois explained our reasoning rather testily, as if Miller were insulting us as parents, insinuating that we didn’t care or hadn’t really wanted this third child. Needless to say, Lois put him firmly in his place.

I wasn’t surprised when the subject of my criminal record came up again. Did I have any old enemies? he asked her. Did she know if I kept in touch with anyone from my past? Was I using again?

Of course the answers were no, no, and still no. Forever no. The last time I walked out of prison was the end of that life. I’d given up those destructive vices and was determined not to repeat the same mistakes over and over. I had gone to church, joined support groups and returned to school to learn a respectable trade: carpentry. I’d been working in construction ever since and had been promoted to a supervisor’s position. I loved my job, my wife, my children, and I hadn’t taken a drink or a pill in seven years.

My wife told Detective Miller all of that, but I suspected he’d be poking around my personal business just the same. Though why he thought I’d have anything to do with my own daughter’s disappearance was a mystery to me.

Oddly, as soon as he walked out and my mother-in-law moved to take Lois’s hand, I felt a sudden sense of purpose. I don’t know where it came from, but I presumed it had something to do with the detective’s questions about my past.

The notion that my baby daughter might have been kidnapped while in the care of others hit me like a hammer—because my two other children were also currently in the care of others.
Were they safe?

I grabbed my jacket and ran out.

By the time I pulled into my driveway, I’d already picked Danny up from school and had checked in with my neighbor, Joan, who assured me Trudy was fine. I explained everything to Joan and told her not to take her eyes off Trudy until I arrived.

I walked through the front door, dropped my keys onto the front table and scooped my daughter into my arms.

“Hi Daddy,” she cheerfully said in that sweet, singsong voice that always charmed me. Today it knocked the wind out of me. I could barely keep it together. After everything Lois and I had been through, I was running on fumes. I’d hardly slept and my heart was pulsing with an unsettling mixture of grief and rage—at both the world and myself.