The Colour of Milk (10 page)

i imagine your mother misses you, she said.

i don’t reckon.

i’m sure she does.

her hand went still for a bit then started again.

you know, she said, it seems when you have a baby your whole life is that child and you never imagine that they will grow up and not need you and want to leave.

you can’t stop them growing up, i said.

i know. but you can’t imagine what it’s like. you give up everything to look after them and keep them safe and then they leave. it’s as though they have consumed you to gain their own life.

she put her hand on my shoulder and i put mine on top of it. you’ll put me off having any, i said.

don’t let me do that. she grabbed my wrist. don’t let me.

i’m teasing you. if i want a child i’ll have one. and if i don’t i won’t.

you shouldn’t tease.

i know, i said, but i can’t help my self.

and we sat there and the fire got stronger and we could feel the warm in the room and the clock ticked and an owl outside called for another owl.

o mary, she said, i don’t want tomorrow and i don’t want time to ever move forward.

the next morning i was carrying hot water to the vicar’s study where he shaved before eating his breakfast. ralph stopped me in the stone corridor and put his arm across so i couldn’t go forward.

so i’m leaving, he said.

i know.

while i’m gone, i hope you don’t have any ideas of telling my father anything.

i don’t know what you mean. what would i tell him?

you do. now listen. i insist you won’t tell him anything and in return i won’t tell him anything about you.

you ain’t got nothing to tell him about me.

o yes i do, little farm girl. he grabbed my face and bent forward and kissed me and his lips touched my lips. i pushed him away and he started laughing. how dare you kiss me, he said.

i never.

how dare you.

i never. i never.

see. you don’t want me telling him that you keep trying to kiss me and that you creep around the house at night waiting outside my door, making a chase for me.

i wouldn’t do that. i wouldn’t never.

wouldn’t you? really? he stroked my face then walked away.

i never done none of that.

you know i never.

that same morning ralph carried his bags down and took them to the front door. he went back down the corridor and knocked on the vicar’s study and i was watching this from the kitchen doorway. and the vicar came out and shook ralph’s hand.

good luck, son, he said. work hard.

ralph patted his father on his arm. i will.

now go and say goodbye to your mother. be gentle.

we waited while he was in the white room then he came back out.

how was she? mr graham asked.

ralph shrugged. as you’d expect. he saw me further up the corridor and called out. where’s edna?

upstairs, i said. she’s got a day off. you want me to tell her to come down?

no. no need. you can say goodbye to her.

and then he walked past me. and his carriage was there and harry was loading all the bags and then the horses left.

edna was sat on her bed and i told her ralph was gone and that he said to say goodbye and she just nodded.

you going out? i asked. you got the day off. you could see your family.

they don’t want me to come home, she said.

o.

i stood there and then she shook her head.

you sad he’s gone?

ain’t that, she said. i known him since he was born. looked after him all those years and he never said nothing.

i didn’t know what to say so i left her and went down the stairs and in the white room to see mrs.

she was lying down and her head was turned away from me and i pulled up the chair and i sat by her and i never said nothing but waited for her to speak to me. only i sat there for a long time and she never moved. then i stood up and went and got her some tea and i got her to sit up and drink and then i lit the fire for her skin did feel cold to me.

and i did try to make her speak. i did try. but she wouldn’t.

and so i sat there all day between doing my jobs and i sat there until the light did begin to go and then i went to help her up to go to bed only she said she couldn’t.

leave me here, she said.

you have to go upstairs.

i won’t go anywhere.

and so i went down the corridor and knocked on the door of the study and asked mr graham to come and talk to her and he followed me and he stood by her.

come on, he said. you have to go to bed.

but she said nothing. she turned her face away from us.

go and get her night things, he said, and so i went up to her room and found them and brought them back down.

mr graham stood by the fire.

make her comfortable for the night, he said, and then he left the room.

and so i undressed her much as i could and i put her a soft pillow and stretched her out and covered her with blankets and i stoked the fire and then i sat by her and blew out the candles. and the room was lit by the fire.

and i sat there for a long time and i knew she was asleep and then mr graham came back in the room.

you have to go to bed, he said, for i can look after her. and you do not need to.

and so i did. i went up the stairs with my candle and i went in to the room and got in to my bed under the eaves.

edna was already there and her bed creaked as she turned over. i waited and listened for to see if the breathing was slow but it wasn’t. then i heard her get out of bed and she cupped the candle with her hand and the light was all over the walls and her shadow was big on to the ceiling.

i lay still as a cat in the sun and waited. and she opened the box from under her bed again and looked at the three shrouds then she folded them up and put them away and put the box back under the bed. then she blew out the flame and the room returned to black and i heard her bed creak again as she got in it.

next morning i got up and went down the stairs. i went in to the kitchen and got the fire burning and then i lit the fire in the study. and then i walked along the stone corridor and stood outside the white room. i listened but could hear nothing and i quietly opened the door.

she lay on the bed. her white arm with its blue veins dangled down and her hand brushed the floor. mrs, i said. mrs. i ran towards her. pulled her arm up and i kept saying it. mrs. mrs.

she opened her eyes only slowly and the blue was pale and i cupped her face right round in my hands.

can you hear me?

and i knew she could for her eyeballs went smaller.

i whispered at her. mrs. come on.

i lay her back down and told her to stay still and i ran for mr graham who was coming down the stairs and i told him to come with me. and he did.

the doctor came and left and i heard his horse on the lane. and i went back fast as i could for to go and stoke the fire and make the room warm. and then i made her some tea and went and sat by her.

you want me to tell you about my sisters? i asked. or the farm? you want me to talk to you?

but she never said nothing. i stroked her hair but didn’t dare use the brush for if it hurt her. and i took the lanolin cream and i rubbed her hands. and i watched as she closed her eyes for a sleep and then i stayed and watched for her to wake up and she did only she didn’t say nothing and mr graham come in the room and then i went.

and this is what happened for day after day. and then i took my bedding down the stairs and in to her room for that i could sleep by her and make sure she had what she needed. and edna did the cooking and that is how i became the nurse.

and on one morning mr graham came in the room and he said i should go and get some air and if i wanted to that i could go back to the farm for to see them all only i didn’t like to leave mrs like that and i said no. i said i would stay instead. and so i did.

and so he sat by me on a chair and i sat on an other. and i said do you think you should tell ralph to come back and see her. but he said no. it wasn’t necessary. ralph, he said, was now at university and was studying and was not to be disturbed.

but, i said, mrs would like him to come and see her.

i know, he said, but i have stated my opinion.

and we sat there until a bird landed on the window sill and mr graham pointed it out to me. what’s that one? he asked.

that is the black one what eats grain, i said.

that is a crow. and do you know the difference between a crow and a raven and a jackdaw?

yes, i said. they got different names.

then he explained the difference between them all and how they eat and how they feed their young and how they live.

and then he said i should make some fresh tea and bring in some cake. and i did. and then he looked at the tray and he looked at me and then he told me to get another cup for me to drink with him.

so that is how it is that we sat side by side and drank tea together.

i don’t know how many days i was washing her face and hands and changing her bedclothes and turning her to stop her getting sores. she didn’t want to drink though i put tea to her lips.

but she never ate again.

and then one day i woke in the chair for i had told my self not to sleep but i did sleep. and when i woke she opened her eyes and looked at me and she smiled and then she closed her eyes.

i jumped to my feet and went to her. i listened but could hear nothing. i took her small mirror and put it by her mouth only there was no breath to steam it up. the mirror stayed silver.

my hand hurts again and my wrist hurts and i wish not to tell this.

i wish not to write it.

i wish not to read it.

and so the house fell silent.

and it was me who took off her clothes and lay her out flat and washed her. it was me put pennies on her eye lids. it was me made her white skin clean.

it was me what brushed her hair.

it was me what put on her clothes and pushed her heavy arms and legs in to a dress. i did put a ribbon in her hair.

and then the men come in the room and put her in the coffin and there was blue in it and they placed it on a table and there was chairs to sit with her.

and every day i went in to the white room and i did look at her.

and i did close the door and i did sit with her.

stop.

look up. out of the window. breathe.

after some days the sexton did dig a hole in the graveyard and mr graham did go in to his study and he did write with his pen and ink.

and with edna we was in the kitchen and we was making cakes and then we cleaned the house and then we went in to the church and we waxed the pews and scrubbed the floor.

and then the men lifted the coffin and ralph walked after and mr graham did talk about her and led the prayers.

and we were in the kitchen and the window was open and we could hear the singing.

and the women waited in the house. and the men went to church.

and the bells begun ringing.

and then the front door of the house opened and the men come in.

and the house was no longer silent. for it was full of people.

and they all ate the cakes and drunk the tea and then they all left. ralph and mr graham were in the study. me and edna cleaned the house and washed the plates and glasses and put them back in the cupboards.

the house fell silent again.

i went in to the white room. i closed the door behind me so i could be quiet. the windows were open where we were airing the room and the bed where she slept had gone. but the blue cushions were still there and i picked one up and held it. i looked round. there was the pile of writing paper and envelopes. a folder of letters she got. one book on the table. i picked it up and went to the bookshelf and put it away where i could see a space for it.

and then i went and stood by the open window and looked out at the garden. and the light was going.

i heard the door in to the room open behind me and i thought it would be edna come to close the windows.

mary.

i turned round to see ralph in his black suit.

i looked for you outside, he said. i thought you’d gone to the churchyard.

well i ain’t, i said.

clearly i can see that. what are you doing in here?

come to tidy up, i said.

and what will you do now? he asked.

i don’t know.

are you going back down the farm now your job is over?

i don’t know, i said again. your father ain’t told me yet what he wants me to do.

he’ll probably tell you now. he’s been busy with preparing all the funeral.

what are you gonna do?

i go back to university tomorrow.

what are you studying?

he smiled. i’d forgotten what you’re like, he said. no other maid would ask me that. i’m studying philosophy. and economics.

o.

mary, he said, and he took a step towards me.

i took one back. what?

you always do this. as though i’m going to do something dreadful to you.

i seen what you do.

i am not planning to do anything to you. look, why don’t you stay here, and make sure my father is all right. other wise he’ll lock himself up in his study and draw birds and never eat.

i’ll see what he wants me to do, i said. but i only come up here to help with your mother.

thank you. we appreciate what you did for her. what i said earlier. about my mother, you remember? when i said about her ill health. i regret it. of course she was more ill than i realized.

i shrugged.

i am trying to say sorry, he said.

there ain’t no need to say sorry to me, i said. the person you wanna say sorry to is gone now so it’s too late. see you got to think about things before you do them and say them.

he smiled. you don’t change, do you?

no, i said. but maybe you ought to.

he shook his head and laughed. anyway, he said, thank you for what you did for her.