The Colour of Milk (14 page)

the fire shifted in the grate and a log fell down. i went to rise up to check for any sparks of embers but he pressed me back down in to my seat.

it’ll settle, he said. now continue.

and so i did.

and he stood up and he put another log on and he sat back down and his arm creeped about me again.

and then when i finished writing out the letters, he said, look, see how you did. see how good you are at this. and then he put his hand under my chin and turned me to him and he put his lips to mine and the smell was of tobacco and tea and his moustache was unkind and he opened his mouth and i felt his tongue creep in to my mouth.

i must stop for a moment. breathe.

and he closed my black leather book and he took my hand in both of his.

i know this is wrong, he said, but i have been so lonely.

he did not look at me. i did not look at him. i did not know what to do so i went to close the ledger and tried to stand up.

no, he said. you must blot it first for the ink will stain the other page.

he showed me how to put the blotter to the page to soak up the ink which gathered in pools at the end of the letters.

and then he took the ledger from my hand. i tried to take it back but he would not let me.

it is mine, i said. you gave it to me.

but it must stay in here, he said, for this is where you will have your lessons.

and if i do not come in for my lessons?

then, he said, you will not learn to read and write.

we sat for a moment in silence. there was only the sound of the flames and the sound of the lamp. the wooden walls and our breathing.

you understand?

i nodded. yes, i said.

he smiled. good, he said. it is good to have a shared understanding.

that night i lay in my bed with my whole body stiff and though i swore to stay awake until the sun was with us again i was so tired for the lack of sleep the night before that i fell backwards in to stillness.

and the first i knew of anything was the feel of something in the bed.

in my sleep i thought it was edna getting in to her bed and it was the feather mattress sighing but then i felt skin touch mine. and i knew it was someone in my bed. and then i thought it was beatrice and she was in the bed with me but it was not.

and then i heard his voice as he was praying and asking for forgiveness and i felt his arm about me.

and he lay next to me and that is all. the two of us in the bed.

i tell the truth.

if i was not telling you the truth why would i have told you any of it?

i did sleep for a while but it was sleep where you do not lose yourself and then i woke and felt him in the bed with me and i could hear his deep slow breathing and though it was cold i did not put my clothes in the bed to warm them. i got out of bed and dressed and without looking at him i quickly left the room.

downstairs i laid the fires and lit them. and then i boiled the water.

and when he came down he was dressed and ready for the day and he looked right at me only i did not look back.

i will take my tea and breakfast in the kitchen today, he said.

and so that is what he did.

he had breakfast and then he went to his study and he locked himself in for he was writing the sermon for the next day in the church and i knew not to disturb him for he always said he needed time to think. and so i did my jobs and did the cooking and got in the vegetables and washed them and peeled them and cut them. and then later i heard the door go where he went out and i stood by the open door and heard him tell harry not to disturb him when he come up for the horse and the garden for he had a lot of writing to do. then he went off visiting and i heard the door again when he came in after dark. and later he came in the kitchen and we ate together. and after we carried the lamp in to the study where i had lit the fire and we sat on the two chairs.

and he leaned forward and he did that to me again where his tongue tastes of tobacco and feels in my mouth like a calf’s liver.

and then he opened my book and he said, now where were we?

and i showed him and then he opened the ledger and he helped me read what i had written the day before and then he taught me a new letter i had not seen before. and i read some letters and then i wrote them.

and yes his hand was on my leg. and yes his arm was around my shoulder.

and yes he did slip his hand with its cold skin underneath my bodice.

when i was done and i knew all the letters that were in the book i left him in there and i went up to my room. i got in to bed with all my clothes on and i blew out my candle. i stayed still.

i heard one creak on the stairs then it stopped. my heart felt like it would stop too. and then i heard another step. and another. i heard the door handle being turned. the door opened and closed. i heard the floorboard creak in the room. and then i felt the weight on the bed and through my eye lids i could see the light. i opened my eyes. there was a candle in the room and he was undressing and his skin was white and i closed my eyes.

he lifted up the cover and moved me towards the wall and he got in beside me.

he put his arm around me and put his tongue inside my mouth and he stroked me and then he reached down to my legs.

stop.

there is a reason for me to tell you all this.

you will understand.

he reached up and put his hand under my skirt and i pushed him away but he did it again and then he pulled one of my legs away from the other and he pushed his hand in between the legs.

and his fingers slid inside.

i tried to speak only he said shhh and then he reached over and he blew out the candle.

and then he climbed upon me and his knee forced open my legs and he was on me and he forced himself in to me.

and it did hurt.

but i did not cry out.

and he was sweating and his breathing was heavy. but then he rolled off me and was soon asleep.

i did not sleep.

and when the morning came i pushed the bedding back to get out of bed and i saw the blood and i saw my skirt was covered in blood and i took it in to the kitchen and i burned it upon the fire.

and from that day on that is how we lived. every morning i got out of bed first and i went down the stairs. i lit the fires and when it was warm he come down and had his breakfast in the kitchen. on sundays he went to church and he asked me that i stayed at home and made his dinner. other days people would come to see him or he would go and see them. and saturdays he would write in his study with the door closed and some days he went walking or he watched birds from his window and then he did drawings and wrote some notes saying what the birds were doing.

and harry would come one time each week and tidy the garden and dig the soil and check the glass house. and he would come each day to the stable only he knew not to come to the house.

and if i had a quiet moment i would sit at the kitchen table and i would look at my black book and see what it is i learned.

and then each evening we sat together and ate in the kitchen.

and then each evening we went in to his study and i dipped the pen in the ink and wrote words.

and then each night he followed me up the stairs and in to my bed. and his knee went between my legs until i started to open my legs for then there would not be bruises in the morning.

and all those weeks i learned more letters until i knew all twenty six. and i could write them and i was starting to know more words and they were starting to match with the words which were in my head.

the weeks went by and it was a hard winter and the frost was on the inside of the windows so for this i could not see out until the fires was lit.

and in the bedroom i was only there in the dark and though there was frost i could not see out anyway. and so i pinned a thick blanket over the glass and i put an extra blanket on the bed.

and one morning i started to get out of the bed and he pulled me back in and in the warmth of the bed i fell to sleep once more. and when i woke it was light and i was cold and i saw he had pulled the covers off me and was looking at me.

i got out of the bed as quick as i could and pulled on my clothes and ran down the stairs.

and as i was lighting the fire in the kitchen there was a knock on the back door and when i got there it was hope and she was smiling and she told me violet’s baby was born.

she told me how they spent a night waiting and when he was born he cried.

and she told me they buried the cord under the ash tree for him to have a good life.

and she told me he was a boy.

and his hair was the colour of mine.

and his hair was the colour of milk.

and when hope left and i went back in to the house i thought of them at the farm and how the baby would cry in the night and if i was there i would wake to him and hold him and i should be in that house and not in this house with people who were not my family. i wanted to go down to see him but i could not for i had too many jobs to do and so i got my head down and got my work done.

and it was not many days till i stood outside in the lane and watched them come to the church. mother carried the baby in her arms. beatrice and hope and violet followed. and they let me hold him in his shawl and his fingers held around mine and he opened his eyes and he looked at me.

we went in to the church and mr graham blessed him and put water on his head. and after we all passed him from arms to arms. and then mother took him. come on, she said, come to your mother.

i looked at violet. she didn’t look at me.

and then they said they had to go back for the milking and i had to stand outside the church and watch them walk all the way back down the lane till i couldn’t see them no more.

i walked slowly back in to the house. mr graham was sat in the kitchen in the chair by the fire and he was reading a book.

he looked up when i came in. have they gone?

yes.

it’s wonderful that you have a brother at last, he said. your father must be thrilled.

i said nothing but got my head down again and got the flour and yeast out to make the bread. and then he told me he got a letter and ralph had written to say he was coming home for a night for it was christmas coming the day after.

and so i cleaned his bedroom and aired it and waxed the wood on his bed and made it ready for him. i made the bread and a cake and it was all ready.

and mr graham was busy for being in the church and having to see more people.

and that night we had the lesson and i read out to him. then he come after me. up each of the stairs. he undressed by the light of the candle and got in to the bed with me. he held me in his arms and then i opened my legs but that is not what he wanted.

for he started to cry. and for the first time since he had come to my room at night we spoke.

why are you crying? i asked.

i feel such guilt.

then don’t come up here. if you feel guilt it is because it is wrong so do not do it.

but it has made me happy.

so it makes you happy
and
guilty?

yes.

and you can not have one without the other?

no.

then do not come up. for then you will not feel guilt.

but i want to be happy. o mary, he said. let us not talk in circles all night.

the truth, i said, is you do not want to be honest about what it is you do.

i did not wake until late the next day and so i had to rush around lighting fires and heating up water. i made the breakfast and started boiling the ham. and then i heard the carriage stop outside and i heard a voice then a knock and a shout as the back door opened and ralph came in to the kitchen.

mary, he said, his voice alive. did you miss me?

no, i said, my voice dead.

i know you did. and father wrote to tell me that you are in sole charge of the two of us tonight.

i am.

then let us see how your cooking is.

is that why you came back? to check on my cooking?

he laughed. of course not.

he watched me for a while, then asked how my family was.

if i had a day off from here, i said, then i would be able to go and see them but i do not for your father prefers only me to look after it all.

i know. he wrote and told me.

but there is some news, i said. and as i said it i watched his face very carefully. violet has had a baby son. though they are saying it was my mother who had the baby.

o.

and i think he looks very like you, i said.

all babies look the same, he said.

they do not.

they have round heads and two eyes and a mouth.

but the eyes and mouth are very telling, i said.

you have seen him, then?

yes. because he is a boy my father is letting him stay.

so he will be brought up on the farm?

you sound disappointed, i said. don’t you want him to be?

no.

so if he is nothing to do with you why do you care?

mary. you do not change. no sooner than i walk in here you have me in a trap. you like to set your snares.

and that is when his father walked in the room.

ralph, he said, and the two men shook hands. how was your journey?

it passed soon enough. i am here now.

and you have to leave the day after tomorrow? mr graham asked.

ralph turned to look at me. i’m no sooner arrived than he is asking when i leave. you wish to get rid of me, father?

don’t be silly. i wish you to stay. that is why i ask how long you can be here.

then let us go in to your study and catch up, ralph said. mary, bring us some tea.

and so i did. i carried it in to the room where they sat together and the chairs were one on either side of the desk. i put more wood on the fire and then left them.

i lit a fire in the dining room and opened the curtains and removed the covers from the table and chairs and they ate their ham in there. and then that afternoon they walked together and at night they ate in the dining room again and then had tea in the study which meant that i had to keep all the fires burning.