The Colour of Milk (15 page)

and then they went to church for midnight and the bells rang loud. and i did go as well but i had to hurry back in the cold for to stoke the fires in their bedrooms. and then i returned to the kitchen and damped the fire and took my candle and went up the stairs to bed.

and i was alone and i slept well.

and the next morning i got up early for there were too many jobs for one person to do and i lit all the fires and heated the water and started to prepare the big dinner and then ralph came in the kitchen and sat by the fire. he watched me prepare the tea tray and cook the kidneys.

my father tells me you are a very good student, he said.

does he?

he says he has taught you the whole alphabet and that you are starting to be able to read some words.

yes, i said.

it’s quite an achievement for a farm girl.

is it?

of course it is. mary?

what?

are you all right? you’re much quieter than you used to be.

i’m fine, i said.

something’s changed.

no. nothing has, i said, and then i left the kitchen and went in to the scullery so that he could not watch me or ask me any more questions.

and he helped me by keeping the fires burning in the dining room and study and i served the dinner in the dining room and i went in to the kitchen and i sat and ate on my own by the fire.

and i did think of mrs. and i remembered how her hand rested up on my head and she stroked my hair.

and then they was back to the church while i was clearing it all away and i washed the plates and glasses and pans and i swept the floor and i did find the last of the turkey feathers in the scullery where i plucked it.

and the next day ralph came to see me and to say goodbye, and said he would see me next time he came home. while i’m not here, he said, look after the old man for me. see he has everything he needs for he lives more and more like a pauper with not enough help.

and then he left.

and it was back to the two of us.

and then it was the time when the year turned in to the next year and eighteen hundred and thirty became eighteen hundred and thirty one by the years of our lord.

and that is the year it is now while i am writing this.

and soon it was the sixth day of the new year and time for the blessing of the ploughs. and so we both went to the church in the morning and i watched as father came up the lane with the horse and plough and they unhitched it and pushed it in to the church along with the other ploughs in the village. and i followed in and sat in one of the pews and i could see father and mother and violet and beatrice and hope. and mother held the baby.

and when they went we stayed in the church and mr graham told me to open the big bible at any page.

so i did.

he told me to read what page it had opened upon.

i ran my finger along the words and i did sound them out one letter at a time and then when they started to come they got faster and i was speaking the words aloud and i was reading. i raised my voice louder and then i found i was reading faster and i did not have to always put my finger there.

and then i imagined writing the same words and i knew my hand could do it and make the shapes of the letters.

mary.

what?

the words you read just then, he said. the bible is telling you that you must open your heart and give.

but i have no more to give, i said to him. for i have given of everything i had.

i turned and left the church and walked back to the house.

i went through the back door and down the stone corridor and i opened the door in to the white room and went in and i closed it behind me. and i looked around at the covers on the chairs and table. and i pulled back the blue curtains and looked out at the bare trees and the frost on the grass where it was still white. for though the sun was out it did not touch the grass under the trees.

it was cold in the room and the cold went through my skin.

and then i turned towards the wall and looked at the books. and i thought about when i first went in the room and how i hadn’t never seen a room like it.

i walked over to the books and i took one out. i held it in my hand and looked at the cover and then i carefully opened it and there were pages with tissue in to protect the drawings but i looked at the words and then i found i could work them out and i turned page after page to make sure but i could read it even though i was slow. where had been a mess of black lines there was now letters. and words. and sentences.

and then i closed the book.

and that is when i knew i was done.

i could read and i could write.

i was done.

that afternoon he followed me in to the kitchen and stood and watched while i worked. only there was a knock at the back door. when i went to answer he left the kitchen and went along to his study for he did not want to be caught talking to his maid. and it was mother standing there. she held a cheese which she handed to me.

it’s for him, she said. tell him he still owes for the last one.

i took it off her and put it in the scullery.

you all right? i asked. the baby looks well.

got a good appetite.

how’s grandfather?

still alive.

tell him i’m trying to come and see him. there’s just too much to do.

i better get back, she said. he’s waiting out there.

and she went.

and the door closed.

and i went in to the scullery and cut the new cheese with the wire and thought about when mother said the person to taste the new cheese would have a baby. and i was careful not to taste it but i cut down through the cheese and cut it again in to smaller pieces, then i curled up the wire and put it in my pocket. i put some cheese on a plate and cut up the new bread and got a new jar of chutney down from the shelf.

i put it all ready to eat and placed a net upon it and i stoked the fire and then i sat by the fire for a moment. only i couldn’t stand to be in the house so i went out. i walked out of the garden and i went to the churchyard and i sat on one of the graves and i thought of them down at the farm and me up here. i thought of the baby there. and grandfather and mother and my sisters. and how if i didn’t get back i would forget it all. and then i thought of how i had read aloud and did not even have to run my finger beneath the words.

and i did not mean for to be out so long but i could not make my self go back. and then he come out the house and i could hear him calling my name.

and then he found me.

i thought you were never going to come back, he said.

i said nothing.

it’s freezing out here, he said. going to be quite a frost tonight. come on in.

and he tried to take my arm but i pulled away from him and then i walked to the house and he followed.

i went in to the kitchen and went to put wood on the fire.

i’ve already done it, he said. i thought you would need the fire lit in order to cook for us tonight.

i said nothing again but i walked past him and went to the scullery and took the net off the bread and cheese and chutney and took it to him.

o, he said. is there not a hot meal?

i said nothing. i left it there and went out the room and up the stairs. i took off my dress and my apron and i put back on the dress i wore the day i came from the farm. it hadn’t been washed and i held it to my nose for that i could smell the farm on it. i put my apron back on top.

i sat on my bed for a while until the light had gone from the room and i had to feel my way down the stairs. he was still at the kitchen table and the candles were lit.

mary, he said. come on, this isn’t like you.

i put on a kettle of water to clean the dishes.

will you not talk to me? he asked. i demand that you talk to me.

and then i turned to him. you demand? i asked.

i demand, yes.

you may pay for me, i said, and you make me stay here but you can not demand me to do everything you like.

i know i sound like i was being calm but i was not. my heart was beating so fast it felt like it would leave me. my hands shook and i tipped over a glass but caught it before it smashed on the flagstones.

mary, he said. you’re usually so cheerful. such a positive presence.

i know, i said. that’s what your wife liked, ain’t it? that’s why she wanted me here.

why are you being like this? we have been happy, he said.

no, i said. you have been happy.

he pushed away his plate. will you talk to me?

no, i said, i’m done with talking and i’m tired.

you still work for me, he said.

i stared him in the eye. i did notice, i said.

i took the plates through to the scullery and washed them up. when i went back in the kitchen he was still there at the table.

will you make tea?

yes, i said.

bring it to my study. and put an extra cup on the tray.

he left the room and i heard his footsteps go down the corridor and i heard the study door open and close.

and i did make him his tea. i poured the water on the leaves and they unfurled in the pot.

but i did not put an extra cup on the tray.

i took the tea to his room and placed it on the desk.

and as i turned to go he said, mary. stop. i have prepared a lesson.

no, sir, i said, for i must go and finish my work.

but the work is for me and i am your employer and i have asked you to stop.

i shook my head. i don’t think you understand, i said. i can read and write as much as i need now, sir.

you still have so much to learn.

but i know enough for what i want to do.

which is what?

i don’t know yet, i said, but i will one day.

you know you can not leave here, he said. if that is what you are thinking.

you do not know what i am thinking, i said. now excuse me, for i have work to finish.

and i left.

i went and finished my jobs then took the candle and went up the stairs, up again and in to my room. the cold was in the walls and the mattress. as though each feather in the bed was frozen hard. each floorboard coated in ice.

i got in to my bed in my clothes and lay there, curled tight until some of the heat from my body had gone in to the bed.

and after a while i began to thaw and i blew out the candle and lay there.

it was not long before i heard the feet on the stairs. i heard a few steps climbed then it went silent, then a few more steps.

i knew who it was.

i knew what it meant.

the handle turned slowly and i got out of bed and i tried to close the door in his face, but he forced it open and pushed me back against the wall. and he came in the room and closed the door and put his candle on the box. and he pushed me on to the bed. and he climbed upon me so that i could not move.

what’s happened? he asked. have i been cruel to you? i have treated you well, haven’t i? i have looked after you.

i don’t want you to be in here any more, i said.

you never complained before.

he pushed a hand under my skirt and tried to put it between my legs but i kept them closed. he tried to stick his tongue in my mouth and i kept it closed.

don’t make me do this, mary, he said. and he pushed my legs apart and put his knee upon my bad leg so i could not move. i felt the cold air on me.

please don’t, i said. please.

but he grabbed my wrists and held them and he forced my legs open further with his knee and he pulled down his clothes and he pushed it inside me.

and it did hurt.

and when he was done and he was sweating and his breathing was slowing he held me in his arms. i’m sorry, he said. i didn’t want to hurt you. you mustn’t fight then it won’t hurt. you understand?

i said nothing. i lay there. i remained still. i remained rigid.

let us go back to how it was, he said. we’ll do a lesson tomorrow night and then we can come up to bed and i promise not to hurt you.

he didn’t wait for me to speak but he fell on to his back and in to sleep.

i lay there for a while. then i pulled down my skirt and covered my self for i was sore. and i pulled down my apron.

and it was then.

not before. then.

i felt in my apron pocket something. i put in my hand and pulled out the cheese wire.

i did not think. what happened next i did not think or plan. and that is the truth as my god is my witness.

i gripped the two wooden ends of the cheese wire and i held it up to his neck and i did not think about what i was doing but i pressed down as hard as i could and he started to make a noise and it was dark and i did not know what i was doing and i pressed down like i did on the cheeses and i held it there and his arms and legs started to try and fight me off but i pressed harder with all my weight and then there was a terrible sound and i felt the heat of the fresh blood rush upon my hands.

it was hot. and it smelled.

and there was a lot of noise.

he stopped moving and the hot blood slowed and i let go of the wire. i jumped back off the bed.

i ran to the door and felt for the handle. i opened it and went out. i felt my way down the stairs, placing my hands on the walls and banisters, and then i was on the landing and i went down the next stairs to the bottom. i went along the stone corridor and i went in to the kitchen. the embers in the fire were still warm and i put some kindling on and waited for it to take. and when the flames burst out i put on some small logs.

now you will think i am not being truthful but i am when i tell you this. my hands were not shaking and my heart was beating so slow i thought it might stop. i was like i was moving in my sleep.

the logs caught light and the flames rose and i pulled the chair to the fire and i sat there.

it is hard to say what it is that happened in my mind that night as i sat in the kitchen. i watched the flames move and i put fresh wood on when it had burned down. and i watched the window to see when the sky was going to get light.