The Colour of Milk (5 page)

cos he’ll be in there now writing his sermon or summat.

she walked to the end of the corridor. this room, she said, is the drawing room. and she opened the door.

it was a bright, white room. there was windows all down one side which went from floor right up to ceiling. and there was the garden outside. and there was a wood piano. and there was a big rug with flowers and a table with two chairs and there was a blue bed thing what you sit on and on top of that there was lying a woman.

this is mrs graham, edna said. this is mary, madam. she’s come up from the farm to help.

mrs lifted a hand then let it drop back by her side. hello, mary, she said. thank you so much for coming.

i didn’t have no choice, mrs, i said. father told me i had to.

edna pushed me in the small of my back. i turned to her. what?

you can’t say that.

why? i asked. it’s the truth.

i’ll train her up, mrs graham, edna said. don’t worry.

i’m not worried, edna, she said. i’m sure she’ll be fine.

edna pulled me towards the door. we got to go, she said. mrs graham is tired.

i’m fine, mrs said. why doesn’t mary stay here and tidy me up.

i should show her what to do first, edna said. she needs to learn the proper way to do things.

she will with time, mrs said. leave her with me.

and so edna left. and i was stood there. i tried not to look round the room only i couldn’t help my self for i hadn’t never seen a room like it.

mrs lay on the bed thing what had a cover on it made of blue and there was the same blue hanging down both sides of the window and the rug on the floor what was thick under my feet had blue flowers on it same as the other blue.

mary?

yes.

are you all right?

i’m fine, mrs.

you look lost.

i ain’t lost. i know where i am. it’s just i ain’t used to this.

you’ll have to get used to it then. you are staying?

father said i got to. said your husband is paying for me to stay. says he needs an extra hand what with you being ill.

mrs smiled. that’s what i was led to understand. will you put an extra pillow behind my head?

what’s that?

what do you mean, what’s that? you don’t know what a pillow is?

no.

it’s a cushion, only you have it under your head when you sleep.

we calls that a cushion, i said.

well it’s a pillow. look, it’s just there.

she pointed at a pile of them and i picked one up. she sat forward and i slipped the pillow behind her and she rested back against it.

her skin was white as my new apron. on her forehead she had a blue vein which was twitching like a chicken’s leg after its neck is wrung.

they say you been ill, i said.

that’s right.

what’s wrong with you?

haven’t you been told?

i ain’t been told nothing only that i had to come up here and leave my home and i’m to stay till you don’t want me no more and i’m to do what you say.

mrs smiled. my heart is weak, she said.

o.

very weak.

sounds like your voice is weak and all, i said.

she smiled again. i suppose it does, she said. my heart’s never been strong, but it seems to be getting worse. the doctor comes but there isn’t anything he can do.

it make you feel ill?

i’m afraid so. a heart seems to be a pretty crucial organ in the body. it seems that with a bad heart, nothing else works. though i hope my mind still works.

sounds like it does, i said. sounds like there ain’t nothing wrong with that.

she laughed a bit then closed her eyes and i was gonna walk away but she spoke. don’t go, she said.

i stopped still.

you’re from the farm. my husband told me.

that’s right.

i’ve seen you and your sisters all before, when you’ve come to church. you really look like your mother now. although you smile a lot.

ain’t hard to smile more than she does, i said.

doesn’t she smile much?

no.

why?

she ain’t got a lot to smile about.

o.

i looked around the room. where’s the drawing? i asked.

what drawing?

edna said it was a drawing room.

mrs laughed.

you laughing at me? i asked.

no. it’s sweet. a drawing room is where you sit. drawing room, morning room, sitting room, you can call it whatever you want. what do you call it at the farm?

i don’t know. the other room, i spose. we got the kitchen and the other room and the apple room.

o. i see.

so, i said, what d’you want me to do now?

you can put the room straight. those books can be put away. she pointed at a pile on the floor and i picked them up.

where’d they go?

mrs pointed at the wall what was covered in them and they was all sizes and all colours. there, she said. where the gaps are. put them there.

i took them over and pushed them in and straightened them like the others. then i turned round. what shall i do now? i asked.

o dear, are you going to keep this up the whole time you’re here?

i’m used to being busy.

then we shall have to find you things to do. what time is it?

i don’t know.

the clock is there.

i don’t read clocks, mrs.

you never learned?

ain’t much use for them down there.

then how on earth do you know what time it is?

we get up when it’s light, go to bed when it’s dark. animals don’t have clocks and they seem to manage.

i see. and when do you eat?

when your guts rumbles so loud you ain’t got no choice. either that or when mother calls you in and says grub’s up.

mrs laughed.

you laughing at me? i asked.

no. i like the way you speak.

well that’s a relief cos i ain’t about to change.

i must say you don’t seem the kind of girl who’s going to change.

i spose it’s good you understood summat about me, i said, and i picked up the tray with a tea pot on and a cup.

looks like this ought to be back in the kitchen, i said.

thank you. i do hope you’ll be all right here, mary.

i’ll survive.

how old are you?

fourteen. near fifteen.

and when’s your birthday?

later in the summer. mother was out in the fields and they say she was sweating. and it was when the barley was done.

and that’s how you tell?

only way i know. so i’ll take the tray on then.

yes. off you go.

i left the room and i went down the stone corridor to find my way back to the kitchen. only i went through the wrong door and i was in another room with wood on the walls and a big table with leather on it. mr graham was sat at the table. he held a pen in his hand and he was smoking a pipe.

hello, mary, he said. are you lost?

reckon.

that way to the kitchen. the door’s beyond the stairs. on the right.

right, i said, and went to go then i turned back to him. mr graham?

yes.

are you gonna give me food or have i got to get it somewhere else?

he laughed. of course we’ll give you food. you get full board here.

i stared at him.

full board, he said, meaning all meals and a bed.

you ain’t gonna make me sit at that table in there?

no, he said. you’ll eat with edna in the kitchen. and remember, the kitchen’s beyond the stairs. the last door.

on the right.

yes. on the right.

that same day i was going along the stone corridor and there was someone else there walking towards me.

hello, who have we got here, then? he said.

me.

he laughed. i know it’s you.

and i know who you are, i said.

and i did.

i knew one of you girls was coming, ralph said, only i didn’t know which one.

well you do now, i said.

i pushed to go past him and he put his arm out.

not so quick.

i got to do summat.

you haven’t.

i pointed up the stairs. look, i said. what’s that up there?

he looked up and i ducked under his arm and i ran down the corridor in to the kitchen. i slowed right down when i got to the door.

edna, i said, can i help?

next thing was he came to the kitchen door but all he could see was me helping edna put the tops on the pies.

the evening was warm and i went outside the back door in to the garden and i sat down. i can not say i was happy for all i did think about was the farm and the evening before and us all helping in the yard. but i am not the kind of person to sit and mope and so for that i stood up and i did walk to the end of the garden and i did look at the cage full of fruit and i did take one straw berry and ate it and then i did look at the vegetables what were all in lines and there were beans and peas and there was a fork left standing in the soil. and there was a shed with pots in and trays of soil. and here was a house made of glass what had things growing in it.

and i sat on the grass. and it was not cold.

and the birds were settling in the trees.

and i was tired for i had not slept the night before when i was at home.

and it was getting slowly dark.

i stood up and went in to the house and in to the kitchen for to get a candle and then i went along the stone corridor and up the stairs and up again until i was in the room under the eaves.

the window was covered in white cotton and i put my candle by the bed on the box and i took off my skirt and i got in to the bed but it was empty.

i never did think i would say it but i wanted for beatrice to be there.

even if she was lying with the bible in her hand.

i had never been in a bed on my own.

and the bed was small and hard and it felt like i would roll out on to the floor.

i lay still.

edna come in the room not long after me and she put her candle down on the box.

and there were two candles and the shadows made two of things and she said nothing but she took off her skirts and all her clothes. and she stood there in her own skin with her back to me and she was wide and like an apple and then she put on a white dress and she did get in to bed.

and we lay there and then she leaned out of bed and she did blow out her candle and then she did blow out my candle. and the room was dark. and though it was summer the bed was cold.

and edna’s breathing started and it slowed and fell deeper and then i knew she was asleep.

and i did try to sleep and i was tired but my mind would not settle and i lay there and i could not sleep.

i got out of the bed and lifted the white sheet from the window and looked out.

the moon was thin.

i lay back down and crossed my hands over my chest. and then i started to think about the churchyard nearby and the graves and all the people what was down in the ground and their arms would be over their chests like mine.

and if you are in the grave the earth will fill your nose and mouth.

i sat up.

i was quiet and she didn’t wake up.

i went out the room and down the stairs and down the stairs again. the flagstones were cold under my feet which was bare and i went past the kitchen and opened the door to outside. i went out in to the garden and walked around then i went out the gate and in to the churchyard.

what are you doing?

the voice come out of the dark and my heart jumped.

it’s me, he said.

i know who it is, i said. you shouldn’t do that. you could kill a girl of shock.

it wasn’t me coming out at night in the dark, ralph said. i was just sitting here causing no harm to anyone.

what you doing in a graveyard? i asked.

looking for some company.

very funny, i said.

and what are you doing up at this hour? he asked. are you homesick?

no.

have you been away from home before?

ain’t been nowhere.

so are you running away from us? are you off back to the farm in the dead of night?

wouldn’t dare, i said. father’d be turning my guts in to garters no soon as look at me creeping in.

that’s very true. how will they manage without you down there?

how they did before i was born.

ralph laughed. you have a sharp tongue.

i got a normal tongue, i said. i stuck it out and he laughed again. you keep laughing at me, i said.

you’re amusing. so what are you doing out here?

couldn’t sleep, i said.

ralph yawned and stared at me. you’d be quite pretty, he said, if not for your leg.

don’t you be looking at me, i said. i know what you’re like.

i’m handsome, he said. and witty.

you’re after the girls, i said.

girls? me? i don’t think so.

i saw you, i said. in our yard at night. with violet.

he laughed. i don’t think you did.

i saw you. in the barn with her.

he shook his head. why on earth do you think i would do that? who would have thought that a little farm girl had an imagination like that.

ain’t imagined.

no of course not, he said. he jumped down off the tomb. so you really believe
i
would go down to your farm and start courting a simple farm girl and hope to marry and live on a farm for ever, delivering calves and ploughing fields? what an extraordinary idea.

i know what i saw, i said.

and i know where i’ve been. now you’d better go back and get some sleep. i’m sure they have enough work lined up for you tomorrow.

and he walked off.

it was dark in the single bed.

and my feet were cold where i was out with no boots. i tried to sleep but it would not come to me. the night was not going to leave me.

i thought of beatrice and wondered was she cold in our bed.

my new bed did seem as big as the three acre field with only me in it.

next morning i was first up soon as the birds started and the sun was moving up and it was getting lighter. i pulled on my skirt and got down the stairs. i went in the kitchen and first i got the fire going then i swept up and started on the bread and mixed and kneaded it then put it to rise. and then i got the potatoes what was in the scullery and i started to peel them and put them in a pan of water and then i put the kettle on the fire for to boil and i put the bread in to the bread tins and covered them for that they would rise again before being baked.