The Colour of Milk (3 page)

the sun began to go down and the dark arrived and it was hard to see the stones from the soil.

we tipped the last of them in to the cart then i went and got the horse and harnessed him and took the stones to the copse at the end of the field where they’d not get in the way of any plough.

and it was black dark when we all went in to the kitchen. the lamp was lit and mother was by the fire. and grandfather was sat at the table.

hello, grandfather, i said, you had a good day?

good day? mother asked. he’s just been sat in that old chair like the lazy sod he is.

he ain’t lazy, i said. he ain’t got no choice but to sit there. ain’t like his legs’d take him anywhere.

might as well be dead for the use he is, she said.

wish i were dead, grandfather said, having to listen to you going on like that.

well i’m glad you ain’t dead, grandfather, i said. cos you keep us happy.

happiness never did no one any good, mother said.

where’s father? violet asked. and where’s hope? she wasn’t out in the field.

yeh. we had to do her work, beatrice said.

and that’s when they come in. father first, hauling hope behind him, and her squalling and going. he had her by the arm and he shoved her down on the bench. blood fell out her nose and down her face and on the table.

no need for that, grandfather said.

every need, father said. she ain’t chasing young’ns round the parish. there’s work for her here.

didn’t you go off chasing their mother when you was courting? grandfather asked. you was sposed to be bringing in the hay and you was off all hours.

you may be my father, father said to him, but don’t mean you can speak to me like that.

father got grandfather by the arms and pulled him out of his chair and out the kitchen and in to the other room.

stop him, i said to mother. stop him.

no, mother said. whose farm is it? who’s the man?

next day was ploughing the three acre and first thing we did was plough in the last stook of the old harvest to bless the ground to make the seed grow stronger.

each morning i took the horse out to the field and harnessed her to the plough. come dinner time i sat by the plough and ate bread and cheese and drank milk. then i took hold of the reins and clicked and we set off again. we went along the edge of the furrows. from sun up to sun down. right through each of the days.

late one evening and i went in to the apple room. grandfather was laid out in his bed what was between the boxes and i took one box and turned it up the other way and sat down.

what you doing? he asked.

i got to have a reason to come and see you?

course you ain’t, he said. how is the world?

still the same shape, i said.

you still ploughing?

i showed him my hands. blistered to buggery, i said.

don’t say that.

they hurt.

you’ll be done soon, he said. you’ll all be lying round watching the seeds grow.

can you see him letting us lie down? i asked.

he lets you sleep.

only cos we’ll work better next day and cos it’s dark and we can’t see nothing.

grandfather laughed. he put out his hand and took one of the apples out of a wooden box and he bit in to it and then he threw it across the room and spat bits out.

bitter as buggery.

so you can say it but i can’t, i said.

i’m old.

you ain’t that old.

bloody feel it.

you want me to find you a sweet apple? i asked.

no. had enough of these apples.

i looked round. you ain’t got nothing to do in here, i said. don’t you ever get bored?

what d’you reckon?

must be a bit boring when we’re out working.

your mother’s always in and out. telling me i’m lazy.

you ever get unhappy? i asked.

not for long.

i don’t neither, i said. sometimes i have to remind my self if i’m sad about summat. other wise i start being happy again.

we sat there quiet for a bit then grandfather asked if i knew what it was the next day.

i never know what day it is, i said.

easter sunday, he said.

then it’s church.

better get up early before church, he said. get up the hill and see the day break from up there.

why’d i wanna do that? i asked.

cos then everything you want in the next year will come true.

everything?

everything.

i was scared to sleep cos if i woke late and the new day would’ve broke and i would’ve missed it.

and so i had to reckon when it was time to go and so i creeped out of bed and pulled on my dress and shawl. i started towards the door but then beatrice woke up and she said, what are you doing? you never lie still.

i said, i am going up the hill for to see the sun rise for it’ll bring me luck and don’t tell me to stay in bed for i have too much energy and my legs jump if i lie still and then i have to do summat.

it’s the middle of the night, she said.

but, i said, it is easter sunday so i got to.

then you’ll have to be waiting for me, she said.

and so i did wait while she pulled on her skirt and got her shawl and we opened the door quietly. i reached out and felt for the banister to guide me down the stairs and she followed. when we were at the bottom of the stairs i heard a door open and we both stopped still and didn’t breathe. i waited for father’s voice to be calling out but i heard some feet coming out and i knew it was not father for he would be shouting at us by now and blood would be drawn. and so we waited and it was hope who came down and we whispered and told her where we were going and she went back for violet who creeped out also and we all four of us went down and pulled on our boots and got out of the door and walked through the yard and then we got up the lane far enough to know we were safe. and when we did we all started to laugh and jump for we knew we were doing bad but there was so many of us. and what could he do?

so we walked up the lane and turned up the path to the hill what was muddy and overgrown so the thorns catched on our skirts. and it was still dark though i could see some light pushing the clouds apart.

violet walked first as she always does cos her legs are so long and then beatrice followed her and then hope. i walked behind them all as i could not keep up but i did not mind as i could look about me and be with my own self and i could hear some night bird calling out which i thought was a night jar but then it did another sound and i knew it was an owl.

and then i heard something in one of the hedges and i thought it might be a rabbit or it might be a badger for they like the side of the hill and they make a right mess of it where they dig their setts.

i called out to my sisters to ask for them to slow down or even stand still and wait for me to catch up but they didn’t answer and they had gone up so i carried on up the path and then climbed the gate to go through to the hill.

the sky was beginning to get lighter and i carried on though i was getting a bit tired where i was going fast as i could.

the three of them were already up the top and i went and stood by them. we looked over all the land around. which ever way you look you can see the view for there are no trees and there is nothing in the way and you can see the whole world.

and as i stood at the top and my sisters stood at the top and all of us were there the sky started to lift above us and the clouds got small and went and the sky got lighter and the stars went dull.

then the sun came up above the land and the new day had arrived.

i turned round and round and looked at the view. in front. behind. everywhere. and some birds flew by then circled up above us. they took it in turns to lead then drop back in behind.

violet was the first to sit down facing the east and the new sun. the others sat by her and i did too.

so if you could dream summat today and it’d come true, violet said, what would it be?

i lay right back and put my head down on the grass and the cold was on my neck and through my hair.

beatrice? violet said. you got to answer first.

beatrice drew in a breath and sighed.

come on, violet said.

anything?

anything.

it’s got to be to meet the lord.

hope sat up. well that’s a waste of a dream, she said, you’ll meet him anyway when you get through the gates.

you said i could say anything i wanted, beatrice said, and that is what i want.

all right, violet said. hope? what about you?

i’d like a different life, hope said, where i’m the only one in a house and i got a bed to my self and it’s warm all year round and i ain’t never got to go out in the dark and stick my head in the side of a cow and i have hot water all day long and there’s people what bring me food i wanna eat.

violet laughed. that all?

there’s more, hope said. i want never to be hungry and never to be thirsty and never to be so tired i’m falling asleep as i’m walking along.

you better get yourself a rich husband, violet said, only what’d he do to curb your temper?

i ain’t got a temper, hope said. it’s just i get tired.

we all laughed at that then we watched two rabbits come out and look at us then run off. the sky opened some more and the sun inched up.

you know what i’d dream? violet said. i’d dream that i had a school where all the children came every day.

who’d be the teacher? beatrice asked.

me, violet said.

hope laughed. you couldn’t teach, she said. you can’t read nor write nor nothing.

shut up, violet said.

that’s a stupid dream, hope said.

yours was stupid, violet said.

stop fighting, beatrice said. we better get back down. father’ll be awake and looking for us all.

the three of them stood and brushed their skirts down. wrapped their shawls around them.

violet nudged me with her boot. come on, mary, she said.

i took in a deep breath and the fresh air went down in to my lungs. it felt new and different from the air down there.

violet called my name again but i just looked up at the sky above and watched the birds and the moving clouds.

come on, beatrice said. we got cows to milk.

she’ll come down, hope said.

they started to run down the hill and i listened to the three of them. laughing. shouting. calling to each other.

i sat up and watched till i couldn’t see them no more.

and then i lay back down on the new grass even though the cold had worked its way through my skirt. i watched as the sky changed its colours and the sun climbed upwards.

when i stood up i could see the farm and the shape of the house and the lane and the fields.

what was it i would dream if i could dream something and it would come true?

what was it i would say if anyone ever asked me?

i didn’t know. i knew i had dreams but i didn’t know what they were.

he was in the yard waiting for me. he didn’t say nothing. i didn’t say nothing. i walked towards the house and he watched me for a bit then he stepped forward and grabbed my arm. and he dragged me in to the house. and hope and violet was watching me. and he pulled me through the kitchen and mother stood by and i was shouting and she stood and watched me.

he dragged me up the stairs and he was pulling my arm and my hair to keep a grip. he kicked open the door to my room and kicked it shut when we was in.

i don’t like to tell you all this.

i don’t. but i remember that day and i know it was the day when things changed.

and i told my self i would tell you everything.

you know that.

i said that.

i don’t know what he hit me with. i don’t know how many times he hit me. i closed my eyes and let him do what he did.

he made noises. he kicked the bed. he kicked the door.

then it stopped. he threw me on to the bed and he left the room. i lay there. i held my hands to my face and waited.

the door opened and beatrice came in. she tried to pull my face round to look at her but i never wanted to. she took my hands away one by one and she got a damp cloth and she washed me. i couldn’t open my eyes like normal but i could see her looking at me.

mary, she said. you all right?

i couldn’t nod but i could speak. it was worth it, i said.

i am sitting by the window and i am writing this with my own hand and i have to write in the hours of sun for there is light and the moon does not give enough light for it is dark at night and when it is dark i can not write.

i remember that day and i know it was the day when everything changed.

this is my book and i am writing it by my own hand.

in this year of lord eighteen hundred and thirty one i am still sitting by my window. the wind comes through the cracks in the frame.

i am tired from doing this and my wrist aches from doing this.

but i promised my self i would write the truth and the things that happened. i will do that.

and my hair is the colour of milk.

the crops was growing fast and the blossom come and went. and the early green leaves come. and the birds was out. and the air was warm and the weeds was growing so fast that when we cut them down it seemed like the next morning we was out there with the hoe again and it did rain but not too much. and when the rain stopped the sun was out and that is why the crops grew so high.

and there was a lot of grass.

and the horse and the cows and the pig had a lot to eat. and the horse got sore hooves for the grass was so rich.

and they said that it was the best year for growing some could remember.

i drew water from the well and took it in to where mother was in the scullery. and she told me to carry the cheese in to the kitchen where i put it on the table. and it was heavy. and she got the wire from the drawer. the wire has two wood handles on it and she gave it to me.