The Consequences of Forever (1) (36 page)

Chapter Thirty-Nine

              “I assume you’re giving the baby Adam’s last name,” Lila remarked as we made our way through the mall, headed towards the baby store.

It was Wednesday, three nights after the dinner with Julia and Ned, and Lila had insisted on taking me shopping for baby supplies. I didn’t have much of anything yet, so in a way it was a relief, but I felt a little guilty at the same time. I’d imagined doing this with Julia, and maybe even Hannah, if she had the time.

              “Well, we never really talked about it, but yeah.”

             
“If you haven’t talked about it, why assume it should be?” Lila asked. I glanced at her curiously, and she shrugged. “I’m just saying, honey. I know you’re engaged and everything, but a lot can happen after the baby is born. It might not be a bad idea to give her your last name, and change it over when you change yours.”

             
“I don’t think Adam would like that,” I replied, even though I wasn’t that sure how he would feel. It was just one of those things that had been assumed when we decided we were going to keep the baby. We would be a family, and families typically shared one name, right?

             
“It doesn’t matter what Adam wants, when it comes to this. It won’t make her any less his daughter. If anything, it’s protecting you, in case things don’t turn out quite the way you planned.”

             
I didn’t want to think about things not turning out the way I’d planned. That had happened enough in the past year as it was. We arrived at the baby store, and I followed Lila’s lead.

             
The same saleswoman that was there on Black Friday, Victoria, appeared, and apparently recognized me. She smiled brightly. “I was wondering when I would see you in here again!” She exclaimed. “Lacey, isn’t it?”

             
“Lainey,” I corrected her. “And this is Lila.”

             
“Her mother,” Lila put in, extending her hand. “We’re here to get some baby furniture. The nursery is all set up, and it looks very sad without a crib and a changing table, and of course a rocker for those nights when little Harper isn’t feeling sleepy.”

             
“Harper?” Victoria repeated. “Is it going to be a boy or a girl?”

             
“A girl,” Lila responded before I could answer. “The nursery is painted a light shade of purple, so we’re going to want to go with furniture that will complement that.”

             
She was straight to the point, knowing exactly what we were doing here and what we needed, more than I did. I couldn’t help but be impressed.

             
Victoria nodded. “Well, I’d be more than happy to show you some things that you might like. What is the budget?”

             
“No, no budget. Nothing’s too expensive for my little girl and her little girl.” Lila laughed as if she’d made a genuinely funny joke, and then her eyes focused on something off in the distance. She took off towards it, leaving me to waddle after her.

             
“Oh, my,” she breathed, stopping at the same white crib I had admired all those months ago. “This looks so much like the crib you had when you were a baby.”

             
“Isn’t this the one you were looking at before?” Victoria asked.

             
I nodded. “I remember seeing pictures of me in a white crib, but I wans’t sure how similar the two were.”

             
“Almost identical,” Lila confirmed. “Oh, Lainey, you have to get this.” She glanced at the price tag, but seemed unaffected.

             
“I don’t think so,” I replied. “It’s not in our price range.”

             
“Oh, forget your price range, I’m here now. Do you have any in stock, or could we arrange to have one delivered today?”

             
“We don’t do delivery, actually,” Victoria said apologetically. “Our store is too small to accommodate that, and we don’t typically keep things in stock, either. But if you’d like to order this today, we can try to have it in for you as soon as possible. How close are you to your due date?”

             
“A little less than a month,” I replied.

             
“Oh, we’d certainly have it in by then.”

             
“Alright, perfect. Are there any things that match this we should look at?” Lila was all ready to continue on. I followed her and Victoria, looking at various things as we walked.

             
It was overwhelming, all the different things the baby was going to need. Toys, comfort items, a crib, a bassinet, a playpen once she was old enough, and a million other things I knew I was forgetting.

             
“Do you like this, Lainey?” Lila asked, showing me a dresser that was the same color and design as the crib. “It’s both a dresser and a changing table, so you won’t have to replace it once the baby is out of diapers. Unless, of course, you want to.”

             
I shook my head. “No, it’s great.” I glanced at the price tag and my eyes widened. “It’s so expensive, though.”

             
Lila waved her hand dismissively. “I told you, let me worry about that.” She took her wallet out of her purse and pulled out a credit card, a mischievous look in her eyes. “I’ve got it covered.”

             
Twenty minutes later, we were out of the store and my mind was spinning. Lila was nearly overloaded with bags, stocking up on a few things that she swore the baby would need right away. This included more outfits than a baby probably needed in their first few months of life, a wide assortment of toys, and more I couldn’t remember.

             
“Do you really think we need all this stuff?” I asked doubtfully.

             
“Of course we do. This is a brand-new human being entering the world, she needs everything.”

             
The jittery, anxious feeling I’d been fighting for months made its return then. “I guess,” I agreed weakly. We’d ordered the furniture to be picked up the first week of June. That was about two weeks from now, and yet it seemed incredibly too close. Less than a month, and there would be a baby using it.

             
I placed my hand over my stomach, trying to imagine it gone, the old me back, but with a baby suddenly sharing my living space. It seemed inconceivable.

             
“Do you want to get something to eat?” Lila asked.

             
“What time is it?”

             
“Just after five.”

             
“I think I should get back home,” I said, imagining Adam sitting in the living room, waiting for me. It seemed like we hadn’t spent much time together since Lila had arrived, and it made me feel guilty.

             
“Are you sure?” Lila asked, looking disappointed. I reconsidered.

             
“Okay, I’ll send Adam a text,” I smiled. “He’ll be fine for a night.”

             
Adam would understand
, I told myself. He always did. He knew how important it was for me to spend time with Lila, to get to know her. We had fourteen years to catch up on.

             
Over dinner, I asked Lila about my name. How she had picked it, and why. She seemed surprised.

             
“Well, every name your father came up with was downright goofy,” she said. “And I’ve always been really close to my mother, so I wanted to name you after her, and your father fought me tooth and nail over it. I picked Alaina as a compromise, because it was similar enough to Elaine without being the same.”

             
“What does it mean?” I asked.

             
“Mean? I have no idea. I never paid any attention to that kind of stuff.”

             
It wasn’t the answer I had been expecting, but I accepted it anyway. Suddenly the meaning of “harp player” didn’t seem like reason enough to back down on the name Harper. I wanted to ask her why her mother had never tried to contact me, even though I was sort of named after her, but decided I didn’t want to open that can of worms. At least, not yet.

             
I ended up getting home after eight, closer to nine, and as expected, Adam was sitting on the couch, flipping through channels on the TV, waiting for me. Lila walked past him and into the nursery to drop the bags off, and I approached him slowly.

             
“Hey.”

             
“Hey,” he responded, not glancing up at me. He hadn’t responded to any of my texts, but I hadn’t been concerned about that earlier, assuming he was probably busy doing something else.

             
“I’m sorry I’m so late,” I apologized. He nodded, but said nothing.

             
Lila returned, her arms finally empty, her smile big. “Well, that’s that. I’ll come over later this week and we can sort through the bags, okay? Try to get everything a little more organized.” She patted Adam on the head as she walked by, and then kissed me quickly on the cheek. “I’ll call you tomorrow. Sleep well and have a nice day at school, okay?”

             
Adam spoke as soon as she left. “Is she going to be around every day from now on?”

             
“Is that a bad thing?” I asked, feeling defensive.

             
“I feel like I haven’t seen you all week.”

             
The comment annoyed me, but I tried to ignore the feeling. Adam and I lived together, but that didn’t mean I had to spend every waking moment with him, nor did I expect him to spend every waking moment with me.

             
“She’s only been here since Friday night,” I pointed out. “And you’re the one who talked me into giving her a chance.”

I walked over to the couch and sat next to him. He made no attempt to move closer to me, which felt unusual, but I didn’t think too much into it. The stress of welcoming this baby wasn’t mine alone; I could see it on Adam’s face sometimes, more often than not these past few days.

              “There’s a difference between giving someone a chance, and giving them all your time,” he pointed out.

             
“I guess.” School was always hectic around this time of year, and I’d been making more of an effort than usual, wanting to ensure my grade point average wouldn’t drop if my focus wasn’t completely on school the next year, with the baby and all.

             
Silence fell over us.

             
“You didn’t even tell me you liked the name Harper,” he said finally. “Not until you were telling her.”

             
“Do you not like it?” I asked, feeling a bit panicky. I’d gotten used to thinking of the baby as Harper already, I wasn’t sure I was ready to try and change it.

             
“No, I do. I just wish you would have talked to me about it first.” There was an accusatory tone in his voice, and I didn’t like it. But I didn’t want to start a fight, either.

             
“I know, I’m sorry. We should probably talk about last names soon, too.”

             
He looked over at me, surprised. “Last names?” He repeated.

             
“Yeah, if she’s going to get mine or yours.”

             
“Why is that an issue? We’re engaged. We’re going to get married probably a few months after she’s born, and you’ll take my last name, so why not give her mine right away?”

             
“I don’t know,” I replied, because I didn’t. It had never occurred to me until Lila brought it up, and since then, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. “But we’re not married now, and you never know if we’ll change our minds or push it back. Or if I’ll even take your last name when it happens.” The last part came out of nowhere; I’d never even considered the possibility of keeping my last name after we got married, but suddenly it was there, another decision I would have to make.

             
“Well, I know I’m not going to change my mind,” he said, his jaw set. His got off of the couch, walking away from me.

             
He stopped for a minute, not turning around. “But if it makes you feel better, we’ll give her your last name. When was the last time you talked to your dad, anyway?”

             
He went into our bedroom, slamming the door behind him, not waiting for an answer. His final words and the sound of the slamming door stung deeply, more than he probably knew.

Chapter Forty

              “I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages,” I remarked, leaning back on the lounge chair. The sun felt good beating against my skin. The weather had been heating up lately, perfect for the beach. This time last year, that’s where I would have been by now, equipped with a blanket and a good book.

             
It was Friday afternoon and Adam hadn’t come home with me for the second day in a row, but Hannah had. Nolan drove us home, and then headed to his house to get ready for his date with Hannah, apparently. It kind of surprised me, his seeming commitment to her, but it was a pleasant surprise. I’d never been a fan of Nolan before, but he seemed to make Hannah happy, even if her happiness meant she wasn’t around nearly as much as I wanted her to be.

             
“I know,” she said with a sigh, tilting her head up towards the sun. “I’ve been so busy lately; I can’t believe I missed the return of Lila.”

             
“She’s great,” I said without thinking. “You’d like her a lot.” I pictured Lila the way she had been on Wednesday; her arms overloaded with bags, and knew Hannah would adore her.

             
“Is she coming over today?”

             
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I haven’t talked to her yet. I think Adam is upset with me, so I might try and stay home with him.”

             
“Where is he, anyway?”

             
“He didn’t say,” I replied. “He just told me he couldn’t drive me home from school.” We’d barely spoken since the night I asked about the last name, so I hadn’t been surprised.

             
“Oh. Well he’ll probably be home soon; it isn’t like he has anything else to do. Nolan is preoccupied for the night.” Her last words sounded suggestive, and I turned to her, my eyebrows raised.

             
“What is that supposed to mean?”

             
She grinned. “Nothing major, so don’t panic. I’m just saying, we’ve been spending a lot of time together lately and…” she let her voice trail off.

             
“You’re not going to have sex with him, are you?” I demanded.

             
“Well yeah, Lainey, that’s the plan, sooner or later.”

             
“But you barely know him!”

             
“We’ve been dating since February. I’ve waited a lot longer than you did.” I couldn’t argue with that, because it was true. Six weeks. For once, Hannah had something to hold against me for her own benefit. I didn’t think I liked that.

             
“Are you sure you can trust him?” I asked.

             
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure. He hasn’t done anything wrong yet.”

             
“Yet?” I wasn’t sure that leading her on, ignoring her, getting a new girlfriend that Hannah couldn’t stand, then cheating on said new girlfriend with Hannah for a month before making their relationship official could be considered right, but I didn’t want to bring that up. Hannah had been pretty good about not bringing up Adam’s past with Natalie, and I didn’t want to turn around and do that to her.

             
Hannah shrugged. “I guess after the rocky start we got off to, I’ve kind of been expecting him to screw up, but he hasn’t. He really seems to like me, Lainey. You should be happy for me.”             

“I am happy for you,” I insisted. “I just don’t want you to end up like this.” I rubbed my hand across my enlarged stomach, frowning slightly.

“No offense, but I won’t. I’m on birth control, remember?”

“Yeah, I remember.” I recalled the discussion Nora held all those months ago, insisting we get on birth control ‘just in case.’ I’d declined because things with Scott were so far from going there, and Hannah had agreed because she thought it would be cool to actually be on it. It was almost humorous, the way things had ended up.

My cell phone rang on the table beside me, and I struggled to reach it. Hannah watched me in amusement before picking it up and handing it to me.

“Hello?” I answered, irritated.

Lila’s laughter trickled into my ear. “Well, don’t you sound pleasant.”

“Sorry,” I apologized. “It isn’t easy reaching for a phone these days.”

“Well, wait till your second pregnancy. I heard the average woman gets much, much bigger.”

“I’m not really planning on there being a second. What’s up?”

“Do you have plans tonight?”

I thought of Adam, doing whatever he was doing wherever he was, and knew I should call him first. But it wasn’t like he’d bothered telling me what he was doing or where he was going, so maybe he didn’t deserve to have me sitting around, waiting for him.

Deep down, I knew that was unfair. How many nights had he spent waiting up for me this week? Then again, he wasn’t carrying around what felt like a thirty pound baby most of the time. No matter how you looked at it, he was still the one getting off easy.

“No, not that I know of. Why?”

“I’m going to come get you in an hour, I want to have dinner. We need to talk.” There was a hint of urgency in her voice, and I immediately felt dread. Was this the moment I had known was coming since the week before? The day she told me she was leaving, and wasn’t going to be in my life anymore?

I cleared my throat and forced myself to talk. “Okay, I’ll be ready.”

“Good. I’ll see you soon, sweetie.” She hung up before me; I put the phone down, feeling numb.

“What’s wrong?” Hannah asked, catching on to the change in me immediately.

“Nothing, I don’t think. Lila wants to have dinner.”

“So? Doesn’t she eat dinner every night?” There was a joke in Hannah’s words, but I didn’t feel much like laughing. I had a bad feeling about that night, something in Lila’s voice. She’d told me last week that there was no time limit on this visit, and for whatever reason, I’d believed her. Maybe that had been a mistake.

“It’s the way she sounded. Like she had something major to talk to me about.”

I could see understanding dawn in Hannah’s eyes. “You think she’s going to tell you she’s leaving.” It came across as a statement, not a question.

“Yeah. That’s what I’m worried about, anyway.”

“Maybe she wants to tell you that she’s decided to stay longer,” Hannah suggested. “Move to Haven. You know, that would be Michael’s dream come true.”

I blinked in surprise, at the mention of my father’s name. I hadn’t even thought about him much this past week, since Lila returned. It was like having her around suddenly made his absence seem less noticeable. “What do you mean?”

Hannah rolled her eyes. “You should have seen the blowout that happened at Bella Vista when Mom found out Lila was in town. I meant to tell you earlier, but it completely slipped my mind until now. She swears Michael has a thing for her, still.”

I said nothing, because I’d always kind of suspected the same. The look in my father’s eyes when he spoke about Lila was so different than when he spoke of any of his past relationships, or even Nora. She was the one that got away. He’d said that once, a long time ago. My mother was the one that got away, the one he always yearned for, and she was back.

For a split second, I felt panicky. Could that be what this was about? Was I not the only reason Lila had come back? I tried to picture my parents getting back together; reuniting after all these years, but the image wouldn’t come.

“Are they still fighting?” I asked, not sure I really wanted the answer to the question.

“No, they’re just not talking.”

“That’s not any better,” I remarked.

“Yeah well, I couldn’t care less. I’m so mad they’re forcing me on this vacation with them. Nolan is going to college in California in a few months, and I’m not even going to be back before he’s gone.” She pouted, and for once, I couldn’t blame her. I didn’t know what would have been worse, being separated from Adam before we had to be, or being stuck with my dad and Nora, alone, for there months straight. A few months ago, I might have hoped to be stuck with them, to force them to accept me and my position, the more time I spent away from them, the more I realized I was better off.

“He’s going to California?” I asked, realizing that this was the first time I’d heard anything about that.

“Yeah, he confirmed it a few weeks ago. I guess I forgot to tell you that, too.”

“Wow. That really sucks, Hannah.” And I meant it. I remembered when the reality of Adam leaving for college loomed over our relationship, before I found out I was pregnant and everything changed. It was a feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone, knowing that your relationship came with an expiration date.

“Tell me about it.”

I bit my lower lip, considering whether or not I should say what was on my mind. I decided not to hold back, knowing that if the situation were reserved, if I’d talked to Hannah before taking that next step with Adam, I would have wanted to hear her honest opinion. Maybe it would have changed things. “Maybe you should hold off on, you know, sleeping with him.”

“Why?” She looked at me as if the thought never even crossed her mind, waiting any longer than she already had.

“Because he’s going to be gone, and I know it sounds corny, but you really get emotionally attached to someone after that, and it might really hurt you if he moves away and you lose contact.”

“We aren’t going to lose contact,” Hannah argued. “We’ve talked about it, and we’re going to stay together. I’m the first girl he’s ever been serious about, Lainey. That’s major. And besides, it’s just sex.”

“It’s never just sex,” I protested. I sounded like an after-school special, but I didn’t care. It was true, and everyone who said that was just lying to themselves, as far as I was concerned.

“Sometimes it is,” she insisted. “God. Not everyone ends up like you, Lainey, okay?”

I must have flinched, because Hannah immediately looked remorseful. “Wow, I’m sorry. That came out way wrong.”

“It’s okay,” I whispered, looking away from her. She continued to ramble on an extensive apology, but I wasn’t listening.

I suddenly felt very alone. Hannah was lost in her own world where she and Nolan were the next big power couple, despite his moving thousands of miles away in a few short months, Adam had barely spoken to me in two days, and Lila sounded weird on the phone. My dad and stepmother were arguing yet again, and I was too estranged from both of them to try and do anything about it. What was possibly going to happen next?

             
Maybe Nolan would decide after getting here that life was better without a younger sister, and I’d lose him, too. That made me really sad, actually. At least with Nolan, there was a promise of something to come, a relationship that could form into something really great. I’d never wished for siblings growing up, but now that I was becoming an adult faster than I’d planned, the idea of an older brother was really appealing.

I placed my hand lightly over my stomach, making a promise that this baby, this little girl who was going to be called Harper, would never feel alone. I’d spend the rest of my life making sure of that. If there were one promise I was going to make sure to never break, it would be that one.